My gripes at ASpartners
23 Oct 2011, 10:34 pm
ictus75 wrote:
OK, so I finally spent some time at the Aspartners forums...........those are some sick people! I had to stop reading because I couldn't believe all the anger and misdirected emotions. Yeah, some sick people those NTs…
Such strong emotions for stupid little stuff. Seriously i wonder if some of those people have a personality disorder. Unlike some here i wasn't angry, i just thought it was funny and pathetic.
23 Oct 2011, 11:28 pm
btbnnyr wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
btbnnyr wrote:
Another thing I learned from that forum was that NTs tend to blow the comments of autistics way out of proportion. So a few slightly negative factual comments like "The towels at the hotel are kind of gross" or "The toast from breakfast was kind of stale" will get translated, purely in the NT's mind, into "I hate this vacation I'm taking with you and you too and everything else too". It's like you can't even make some factual comments without them being twisted into some extremely negative emotions and then considered a killjoy or whatever. NTs exaggerate the trivial little statements that come out of autistics' mouths into apocalyptic krapola in their own heads, then blame their autistic spouses for being too negative around them. From my perspective, NTs get upset over the most trivial things, and from their perspective, the same for me. It's a matter of what is considered trivial and what is not by each person.
Actually, the first one you said about the towels is your opinion. It is not a fact. http://mrsdell.org/gr2/factopinion.html
Lot of people can't tell the difference between facts and opinions. I used to have that same difficulty too but then learned in high school. We have had a few assignments where we had to read a statement and put F or O for fact or opinion. So despite what school teaches, people seem to still can't learn the difference while I learned it quick.
This is a mystery to me about how people can't tell the difference.
What both the towels case and the toast case actually are = sensory perceptions of an individual.
The toast case is obviously that, but the towels case is also a sensory perception, if the towels are described as "gross" by an autistic person who tends to take everything physically. Not like "I think this is gross and it makes me sick", but more like "this is gross, because I can see several stains on it". Different from "this movie is boring to me". But not every autistic person takes things quite this physically.
That's how I see things but I still call them opinions. That's what society would call it so they're opinions.
23 Oct 2011, 11:33 pm
jackbus01 wrote:
ictus75 wrote:
OK, so I finally spent some time at the Aspartners forums...........those are some sick people! I had to stop reading because I couldn't believe all the anger and misdirected emotions. Yeah, some sick people those NTs…
Such strong emotions for stupid little stuff. Seriously i wonder if some of those people have a personality disorder. Unlike some here i wasn't angry, i just thought it was funny and pathetic.
I also found the place funny too. Back when I first heard of it in 2006, I went there to read it because I was curious. I heard it was awful so I went there and read some stuff there and I found it hilarious but at the same time I hated the place. it just felt like I was reading about my because these women were talking about their husbands laying around and doing nothing and not help take care of the kids and the house. They just spend all day on their computers. I had just broken up with my ex then so coming to this place made me despise the forum and found it funny instead than getting all offended. I didn't even want to believe they had AS. But at the same time the place scared me because I wondered if I was like their partners. So I took it as "How not to act towards your partner."
24 Oct 2011, 12:47 am
btbnnyr wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
cubedemon6073 wrote:
btbnnyr wrote:
Another thing I learned from that forum was that NTs tend to blow the comments of autistics way out of proportion. So a few slightly negative factual comments like "The towels at the hotel are kind of gross" or "The toast from breakfast was kind of stale" will get translated, purely in the NT's mind, into "I hate this vacation I'm taking with you and you too and everything else too". It's like you can't even make some factual comments without them being twisted into some extremely negative emotions and then considered a killjoy or whatever. NTs exaggerate the trivial little statements that come out of autistics' mouths into apocalyptic krapola in their own heads, then blame their autistic spouses for being too negative around them. From my perspective, NTs get upset over the most trivial things, and from their perspective, the same for me. It's a matter of what is considered trivial and what is not by each person.
Actually, the first one you said about the towels is your opinion. It is not a fact. http://mrsdell.org/gr2/factopinion.html
Lot of people can't tell the difference between facts and opinions. I used to have that same difficulty too but then learned in high school. We have had a few assignments where we had to read a statement and put F or O for fact or opinion. So despite what school teaches, people seem to still can't learn the difference while I learned it quick.
This is a mystery to me about how people can't tell the difference.
What both the towels case and the toast case actually are = sensory perceptions of an individual.
The toast case is obviously that, but the towels case is also a sensory perception, if the towels are described as "gross" by an autistic person who tends to take everything physically. Not like "I think this is gross and it makes me sick", but more like "this is gross, because I can see several stains on it". Different from "this movie is boring to me". But not every autistic person takes things quite this physically.
Gross is your feelings about the stains. You have negative feelings towards the stains. Again, this is not fact. It is an opinion. There are stains on the towel. This is true and something that is provable and verifiable. We can't prove and verify gross. Another person may derive pleasure from the stains and believe they're orgasmic. The facts about the towels are there are stains on them.
24 Oct 2011, 12:53 pm
jackbus01 wrote:
I was reading through the ASPartners forum just has me thinking: what in the hell is wrong with some of those people. I really feel sorry for some of those aspies caught with their crazy partners. I would never tolerate some of this dysfunctional NT crap.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... ?msg=11459
This thread about aspieland was downright amusing. These people are complaining about mundane normal things and blow it out of proportion. The one woman who complained about potted plants instead of flowers and then should doublely complained when she got two potted plants instead of one.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... ?msg=11448
In this thread this poor wife has to put up with her aspie husband and feels "traumatised". Reading through the wall of text--nothing abusive or anything happened just constant whining. My god, how much whining there is and then
"Whenever I've tried to express my feelings, he just says "I'm sorry you feel that way". No apology for him being the cause of it."
Gee even when the aspie husband apologizes it still is never enough.
I have no empathy for these dysfunctional people, but it's funny as hell to read some of this stuff.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... ?msg=11459
This thread about aspieland was downright amusing. These people are complaining about mundane normal things and blow it out of proportion. The one woman who complained about potted plants instead of flowers and then should doublely complained when she got two potted plants instead of one.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... ?msg=11448
In this thread this poor wife has to put up with her aspie husband and feels "traumatised". Reading through the wall of text--nothing abusive or anything happened just constant whining. My god, how much whining there is and then
"Whenever I've tried to express my feelings, he just says "I'm sorry you feel that way". No apology for him being the cause of it."
Gee even when the aspie husband apologizes it still is never enough.
I have no empathy for these dysfunctional people, but it's funny as hell to read some of this stuff.
Those are just the typical kinds of threads that you normally find on ASPartners. I normally don't like the way they describe marriage to AS people as "fake".
26 Oct 2011, 9:49 am
http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/mb/mes ... sg=11464.1
This is post 9 of 12
Quote:
Saying "Sorry" is something I have been working on with my AS wife for years. It's only recently that she can get herself to say the words. And not being able to say "Sorry" or admit you may have been wrong is deeply damaging IMO.
Shaffer, I have been wrong plenty of times. Personally, I do try to entertain the possibility that I could be wrong on things. A lot of times I do not understand where I'm wrong and why I'm wrong. I have developed a technique within myself. I assume I am always wrong on everything. When I present a statement or an argument to an NT I will state a,b, and c. Either before or after that I usually ask, if you do not mind will you please show me where I'm wrong. A lot of times NTs do when I approach in this way or they will state I am correct.
Quote:
I think we all accept that, as humans, sometimes we say or do the wrong things. It happens, that's life. And I also think most reasonable people will accept a sincere appologee. I think sometimes even when you still think you are "right" it is appropriate to appolgize, because the possibility exists that maybe the other person has a different perspective or it may be one of those "gray areas" where two decent people just see things differently.
Yes, you're right it is life. We all will do or say wrong things from time to time. Yes, if we are wrong and know we're in the wrong we need to apologize. I agree with that 100%. Shaffer, this is where I do not understand. If I feel I did nothing wrong I feel it would be wrong to apologize. I feel like I would be phoney and fake. I have had people give me those types of apologizes. I feel they're being fake and phoney. When someone forces me to give a fake apology or they give me a phoney apology I get very angry. To me, it is not real and genuine. Personally, when someone gives me a fake apology like you suggest I have to literally restrain myself immensely. It makes me want to punch them in the face when they give me a fake apology.
Quote:
I think that's where the problems come up. The "gray" areas. People w/AS often see things as all right or all wrong. All black or all white. All good or all bad. They can't see that the possibilty exists that there may be a mddle ground or different persective. It's the lack of theory of mind I suspect.
I personally try to see the middle ground. In my opinon, some things are black and white. For instance, pedophilia and pedophiles. I think they are sick and disgusting f***s who need to have their balls chopped off and need to be kept in prison for the rest of their lives in solitary confinement. On that, there is no black and white. Molesting a child is completely 100% wrong. There is no gray there.
26 Oct 2011, 12:14 pm
I try to apologize when I can but I have pretty much given up. Why apologize if people won't get over it? Some things are not worth apologizing over because it won't make things better. Sometimes I don't want an apology because it's not going to make things better between us. Apologizing means I have to start talking to that person again and having to do with them and act like nothing had ever happened between us. I don't want that. I even get annoyed when my husband apologizes for things that can't b fixed and I get annoyed and mad about it. It means I now have to shut up and be happy again because he apologized.
Sometimes I don't even know that I should apologize. I have no problem giving out fake apologizes when someone wants them. I figure they wanted one so their wish is my command.
With people I care about, I apologize when I have hurt their feelings or have offended them or if they think I said something rude even if I don't think I did anything wrong or understand why it was wrong. I do it to make them feel better.
26 Oct 2011, 3:44 pm
Quote:
I try to apologize when I can but I have pretty much given up. Why apologize if people won't get over it? Some things are not worth apologizing over because it won't make things better.
I do understand what you mean on this. I have asked myself why am I bothering if they're still going to harp on it.
Quote:
Sometimes I don't want an apology because it's not going to make things better between us. Apologizing means I have to start talking to that person again and having to do with them and act like nothing had ever happened between us. I don't want that. I even get annoyed when my husband apologizes for things that can't b fixed and I get annoyed and mad about it. It means I now have to shut up and be happy again because he apologized.
I guess you and I differ on this. I would love to have an apology and I would love it to be geniune. For example, there have been a few times I used up all of the milk. My wife becomes upset. I offer to go out and buy some she says the milk is not the point. She says I didn't consider her feelings. I offered to fix the problem. In fact, I presented a solution. I told you about it. My solution is to split the food and the drinks. She gets half and I get half. She became more upset. What I do now is I just impose the solution on myself and everything kind of works out.
Here is the thing. I do not understand her feelings. I've been told I can't systemize feelings. How do I consider her feelings? Her feelings are not like programming a computer or working on a math problem. They are erratic and unpredictable. They are unlike numbers and quantities. I can't put logic or an equation like my psychologist said. It is very difficult for me. There are times I don't understand my own feelings to be honest. I am getting better.
Quote:
Sometimes I don't even know that I should apologize. I have no problem giving out fake apologizes when someone wants them. I figure they wanted one so their wish is my command.
I do have problems but I do it anyway to keep the peace.
Quote:
With people I care about, I apologize when I have hurt their feelings or have offended them or if they think I said something rude even if I don't think I did anything wrong or understand why it was wrong. I do it to make them feel better.
So do I.
26 Oct 2011, 4:28 pm
Quote:
I guess you and I differ on this. I would love to have an apology and I would love it to be geniune. For example, there have been a few times I used up all of the milk. My wife becomes upset. I offer to go out and buy some she says the milk is not the point. She says I didn't consider her feelings. I offered to fix the problem. In fact, I presented a solution. I told you about it. My solution is to split the food and the drinks. She gets half and I get half. She became more upset. What I do now is I just impose the solution on myself and everything kind of works out.
Here is the thing. I do not understand her feelings. I've been told I can't systemize feelings. How do I consider her feelings? Her feelings are not like programming a computer or working on a math problem. They are erratic and unpredictable. They are unlike numbers and quantities. I can't put logic or an equation like my psychologist said. It is very difficult for me. There are times I don't understand my own feelings to be honest. I am getting better.
Here is the thing. I do not understand her feelings. I've been told I can't systemize feelings. How do I consider her feelings? Her feelings are not like programming a computer or working on a math problem. They are erratic and unpredictable. They are unlike numbers and quantities. I can't put logic or an equation like my psychologist said. It is very difficult for me. There are times I don't understand my own feelings to be honest. I am getting better.
I have no idea. I have had the same accusations myself and I didn't get it ether. My mother has told me also that I don't care about others and I only think of myself and I need to be considerate of others and their feelings but then she contradicts herself by telling me I care about other people and I am such a good person and so helpful. So which is it? Maybe it's both? Even my own husband has given me the same accusation and now he tells me I do care about him. I can't remember the last time he has said I don't care about him.
I just quit caring so whenever I get these accusations, I don't let it bother me and I shrug it off.
I can tell my husband to do something for me and he refuses because he isn't feeling good and I can accuse him of not caring about me and not thinking of my feelings just because I didn't get my way, maybe this is the case with people. When they don't get what they want, they accuse us of being uncaring and not thinking of their feelings. I don't really do this to my husband, it was just an example.
Maybe you wife didn't want you drinking up all the milk and that was her point. If not, I don't know then. How about buy two things of milk and one is hers and one is yours so once yours is gone, you can go out and buy yourself another gallon and let hers go sour in the fridge. Then you can dump it and buy her a new one if she never dumps it.
