The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

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I think the reason she bonded so well with him was that they are both aspies. Good for her that they didn't know for sure. It seems she didn't go back though, as there are 3 messages to her that are unread.

It could just be that he could share emotional stuff with her that for some or other reason, he couldn't share with his wife. I've heard of that happening before.

Some people are bothered by their husbands being friends with a woman or their wives being friends with a guy. My dad had a couple woman friends and they were both married and none of their husbands had a problem with them being friends with my dad. They all watched sports together and go to bars and watch a game and did the Hood to Coast thing. That was how they all met.

But my ex boyfriend tried to get me to cut off contact with my online friends who were guys unless they were aspies and didn't want me talking to anyone online unless they were female, to me that was way too controlling. I never understood this behavior until I asked about it and it's because they are afraid their partner will fall out of love with them. This sounds like paranoia to me and insecurity. They are too worried so they try and cut their friends off with them or not let them be friends with anyone who isn't the same gender as them. IMO, if someone is this paranoid, they need help and I wouldn't want to be with someone like this.

Maybe his kid blocked her because he or she thought he was cheating on their mom. The OP called his behavior inflexible when really he maybe has respect for his family and he doesn't want to hurt them so he is doing their wishes by not having any further communication with the OP. People online have also tried to make it look like I was crazy for respecting my husband and his wishes and what he considers cheating. I don't know how many times I have seen posts online by women about their partners "cheating" on them or having "inappropriate" contact with someone and their partner refuses to abide to their rules.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like that either. It's paranoid, controlling and a sure way to make someone fall out of love with them. What would such a person do if their partner was bi?
Just curious, why was your ex okay with male friends if they were aspies?

"Yet another example where NTs need a mirror.

going by that definition, I would say it's an NT characteristic to call people out on things in public, being difficult on details (like demanding a cake has to come from one particular bakery), demand to have everyone do things exactly their way or else keep pestering people about it, being condescending, criticize someone for weight, looks and clothes, throw a bigger rock at someone, hit someone with a hammer, wanting to hit someone for accidentally beating them at something they're good at, being offended when someone not like them is smarter than them, deliberately insulting people offline and online), sexually abusing children, cheating on their partner, being a violent alcoholic, and the list goes on and on and on. After all, if one NT did it, that's enough right?"
...
You make very apt points here Skilpadde. Elkclan, do you ever consider there might be a mote in your eye? That the normocentric population you identify with has the corner on far more serious liabilities? Or do your think your implicit denigration of ASD people is justified because you blame your husband for your unhappiness?

Because I have it so he found it okay for me to chat with male aspies. I never understood that logic.

What would a person do if their partner was bi, probably not let them see anyone or have any friends.

I don't know. I wasn't specifically talking talking about your partner trying to control what friends you have or even having friends of the opposite gender. You are allowed to share feelings with friends who are not your partner. However, if you having the kind of emotional intimacy but of the type that really belongs inside a relationship but you're doing it secretly with someone other than your partner, then apparently, that's called an "emotional affair" and it's considered a type of infidelity:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair

My main point with that post though, is that if you or your partner is having an emotional affair more because you're not able get any emotional intimacy inside the relationship, then there's something wrong with that relationship to begin with and the person having the emotional affair isn't happy in it.

I think that the point she was trying to make was more about generalisation. We can observe NT's doing all sorts of bad things and, in fact, even identify some bad things in NT society (e.g. rape culture), however that doesn't mean that all NT's are bad. Same can be said here, just because one aspie does something bad, it doesn't mean that all aspies are bad.

Yes exactly. That's the biggest thing that makes me uncomfortable about interacting with NTs.

Plus in people with mood disorders, that tendency seems to be even more intense.

It's true that they do this...I've experienced it many times myself, being on the receiving end of a lot of projections. It's very uncomfortable to be in that position.

They not only project personality characteristics, they also project intentions, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, preferences, religious or political affiliations, sexual interest, etc. that are not there.

What I present is not at all a "blank slate" just a different way of communicating. Basically I'm more reserved than most people. But I've come to realize that many NTs do perceive it as being blank.

I noticed a lot of posts in that forum where people said they felt somehow betrayed or deceived because they found out their partner wasn't who they thought. That's probably because they were projecting so much they couldn't see who their partner really was in the beginning, only later after the bubble bursts (somewhere between the honeymoon phase and the seven year itch).



I agree completely...both in general, and specifically the way it is evidenced on that forum. They go on and on about what they think it means to be in our shoes and obviously have no idea how clueless they sound.



That's how I read it too.

+1




+1 again.

I don't get his logic there either, which is why I asked.


I was afraid of that!


Yes, I was talking more about generalization, like Jono said. My point is that just like there is no correlation between Asperger?s and abuse or violence, being NT doesn?t make someone do those things either. It?s down to the individual, not the neurology, and it?s equally bad regardless of who does it. Calling it a trait based on one person she has bad experience with is incorrect. Most, or all of us here, could do the same with them. That gets us nowhere and polarizes everyone.
They should take the individual as who they are, not what they are. Some are good, some are bad and most are mixed, in all groups. Profiling where there is no correlation just leads to more problems for already struggling groups.


Yeah, and not at any time do they consider asking us. No, it's much better to jump to the wrong conclusion.

All the time! Too often, probably in fact.

Identifying with the normocentric population? Maybe I do. That's not how I would characterise myself. I'm not even sure that normocentric is a real word. Perhaps your use of it means you're identifying with autism activists who are focused on redefining deficits as strengths in all situations? If I'd properly identified with the 'normocentric population', I perhaps woudn't be in the pickle I'm in now. Perhaps I've been rather too tolerant of difference and social awkwardness.

Implicit denigration? I'm asking questions. Learning. Observing. Sharing my experiences with others, learning from others' experiences. But you might be right.

I do blame much of my unhappiness on my husband. I am being verbally and emotionally abused, that tends to make one unhappy. I don't have to lay it all to you here now, but it is the truth. Many others could see it before I could see it and accept it myself.

Are people on the spectrum the only ones who can be bad partners? Certainly not. Am I a good partner? Who knows? I think I have some really good qualities, I know I have some bad qualities, too. I bring some baggage from my upbringing. I have some quirks that can make me hard to live with for some people.

But I don't have a condition that involves social deficits. Those deficits mean that a relationship will be at greater risk. Lack of displayed empathy (at the very least), communication difficulties, etc all make relationships significantly harder.

The autism community can continue to deny that very features and markers of the condition make relationships harder and that it's others who are to blame for relationship problems with partners, co-workers and children. But that doesn't make it the truth.

I find it completely incomprehensible that so many blame a whole neurotype for a set of poor actions. The word blame is entirely appropriate, as posts from both parties strictly concern a personal perspective, with the relevant negativity involved. Citing studies or speaking formally tactfully misdirects the nature of the irrational, heated arguments. There is barely anything truly understood where neurology is concerned.

Rants are generally a healthy way to rid oneself of emotional pain, though they should still be controlled if expressed publicly. The general population seem to abide by this principle in real life, but the underlying behaviours of the opposite are what vilify the internet. It is a disregard for self-control, and backwards. It's painful to read, as it is essentially the exact same thing that humanity has been trying to rid itself of (racism/sexism etc.) for the past few decades.

What shocks me most are arguments that form from a foundation of behavioural misjudgement. A common example, that those with AS have no empathy. It's horrible to have inaccurate information spread.

I cringe when a whole group is blamed, rather than an individual. That is exactly what happens on the other site, but also occurs here (very much a lesser degree).

I ponder what Olympiadis has posted regarding the imaginary. Labels are imaginary. The neurological differences may be real in this case, but the idea of what is actually 'neurotypical' or 'autistic' are so very defined by the person's own interpretations. The labels are concepts, and personal interpretation of each label is entirely what is considered, not the reality of it all. The fact is we will likely not know the exact defining features for a long time.

A forum is not a scientific journal. When somebody posts on a forum you assume personal input..

..so I suppose what I write deals heavily with semantics, but from the way a person uses them you can somewhat accurately infer how they think. It is especially obvious when the differences are 'blamed' rather than discussed rationally. I usually assume that the person blaming is rejecting those qualities in themselves, or has been truly traumatized by an experience (which leads to the type of delusion I describe). I have been privately told that I am very cold, for thinking this way. It is also ironic, that this assumes the formula of a rant, but I can't be bothered explaining my reason for posting it, other than that I am heavily reminded of homosexism/homophobia, which does not take a genius to accept as something not ideal.

I'll fluff this post up for the lols:

Yeah but some things are just rude. You don't tell your partner they look fat in front of guests. If you want to talk to your partner about something like that you do it at a more appropriate time.

Truth is what it is, buy we have control over when and how we speak it. And truth can easily be used to hurt others.

Elkclan I understand your position and admire your commitment to your family, but progress needs to occur. The statements on the sub forum smear falsehoods about a group of largely vulnerable individuals, people with a clinical disability, on a global platform. This also perpetuates negative stereotypes against many silent and less articulate individuals, I hope you can move past the personal agendas that motivate activism and consider the bigger picture.

Yes you and the other AS partner posters have witnessed and experienced real observable events, but the implicit understanding of these observed behaviours is missing from the discussion. Imo, the validity of the experiences are in question because of generally inaccurate labeling.
If the sub forum had an accurate name like ?Partners venting therapy?/etc, then this thread might not exist... if only.