NT needs advice about Aspie shutdown - please help me

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[quote]The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them. This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.[quote]

I had to smile, at this point. When I was a child, if I were given a time out and sent to my room, I would have been overjoyed! It would have meant time out from a very noisy family, I would have the whole room to myself, and could read, daydream, stare out the window, etc.

that is so awesome I read some psych reports about this and its so cool, well my twisted dark side is smiling with glee, I have dependent people just because they annoy me so much with their trivial demands now I know what to do if they annoy me especially

It's now four weeks since I last heard from him. I'm trying really hard not to freak out. I sent him an email the day Michael Jackson died, asking him to let me know that he was okay because I was overwhelmed. (not a good thing to do, I know) then on the 30th I sent an email saying that I was going to focus on myself for awhile but when he was ready to come back, I'd be here. Was that okay?

Do I still retain hope that he's coming back? It seems like he has dropped out of all internet related activities. If he was dumping me, I just want some closure.

My goal now is to not email for at least 7 days working on 14 days. I'm trying to give him some space. Am I doing the right thing?

Long as you stick to it, it should be okay. That will give him some breathing space. IMOO, if you keep sending emotional e-mails, the likelihood of getting a positive response drops more, each time. I, myself, have never known what to do with emotional e-mails. So I would ignore them.

Like someone else said, he's probably overwhelmed by his new job, all that socializing is exhausting.

Ability to understand and handle when I need to spend awhile hiding in a hole or whatever is really what lets me know someone really is my friend... that it won't be scary and awkward to (figuratively) crawl back out.. that I won't have to explain too much and get exhausted all over again.. but just pick back up with someone who understands. That's the test of time in a friendship.

I don't mind the "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile, am a bit worried" type e-mails.. it lets me know that the person is still there and that I can come back when I'm ready. I'm usually able to respond with like a "yea, I'm feeling overwhelmed, doing ________, planning on being around more when the idea of talking doesn't seem quite so exhausting."

Maybe not quite a shutdown, maybe it's like a shut-low? If a shutdown were a blackout, this would be a brownout.

if you're NT. When you feel overwhelmed or agitated, you probably appreciate hugs and long talks about your problems.

When an Aspie feels overwhelmed they want a safe place to recuperate. More interaction, however well-intended, only ADDS to the over-stimulation. We usually come back.

I would shoot him one email and tell him you understand he needs space and really hope to hear from him when he feels better. That's about it.

I wish he would send me one of these, it would help understand.

The problem with these "shut downs" is that it takes about 2 weeks to figure out that is what is happening then I have to deal with my emotions and get them in the right place. I've sent him more than one email, probably like 8 but not all were emotional or long. In a couple I did say that I understood and I'd be waiting when he got back.

If I make it through this one I think I'll be able to handle the next one better. I'll feel more confident that he'll be back. I guess that's the scary part. My brain is thinking he just left me without a word. That's how it feels. Like being abandoned in the dark woods with no clue how to get out.

I'm going to try really hard to take your advice and sit it out for awhile.

congratulate yourself for every day of NC...you know i'm right with you on NC July.
BF, write to me you know where....

It's hard when you care about someone but are powerless to do anything about their problems.

But an aspie wanting time to himself, that's not really a problem!

I tend to lose track of time easily. It feels like only a few days since I called my mum but it would have to be at least a week, probably two. Sometimes it will go for a month. So to me it feels like I'm staying in touch regularly, but to her it would feel like I never call. To put it into NT perspective, can you imagine if you had a friend who called you every hour to check up on you?

I've been on the other side of it too. If I want a cuddle and my partner doesn't want to, I get sad. And the only thing that will cheer me up is a cuddle, but he turns me down again so I get sadder... It's a negative feedback loop that can only end in tears. Now I just try to keep busy and give him time to himself when he's like that. It's not easy.

You just have to accept that he needs alone-time. You didn't cause it. You can't change it. You haven't done anything wrong. Just like we need sleep when we're tired, food when we're hungry, we need alone-time when we're over-socialised.

As a bit of a compromise, stay in touch only once a week, but keep the emotion out of your emails. Tell him about stuff you're doing and things that are happening, but don't fuss over him. It will take the pressure off him because he doesn't need to respond.

Powerless is a good word. Every day I write several emails and never send them. I'm very torn about what to do.

It's been 32 days now, I know I shouldn't keep count but it's the longest it's ever been. This is just so unfair to me and it's looping in my head. I feel like I'm not being true to myself by not expressing what I'm feeling.

I'm trying to not contact him for a few more days, it'll be one week tomorrow and that's huge for me. I'm having to consider if this friendship is worth the pain I'm going through. At one point I would say yes but now I'm not sure.

Do you think it would be acceptable to email his sister, whom he lives with just to ask if he is okay? Would he find that intrusive?

This is the worst month of my life. Ugh

edit: by the way, thank you for the post, I needed to hear that again tonight, I was having a bad time. I'm going to not email him and wait longer.

I think it would be ok to email his sister, just to find out that he's ok. Don't use her as a go-between, just find out his status and leave it at that.

Then once you know he's ok, STOP WORRYING!

I really think you're reading too much into it. He doesn't think like you. *Click here* This sums up the difference in male and female brains nicely

Someone once said that extroverts get their energy from having other people around. Introverts get energy by being alone. I resent it when people try to suck the energy out of me while I'm recharging. It makes me grumbly. Have you got anyone else you can hang out with to get your quota of people-time while he's getting his alone-time?

he will come around eventually. my friend did...

I doubt it, every day that goes by I'm less hopeful that he is coming back. Soon it will be six weeks, twice as long as the last time. I'm trying to be patient and understanding but I don't understand how things can come to such a sudden halt.

I'm glad to hear your friend came back. He must really like you after all.

Last edited by Butterflair on 12 Jul 2009, 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've been off MSN (my primary social contact medium) for 4-6 month some times. I just didn't feel like talking to people. When I came back people asked why I had blocked them. ^^

not sure that he "likes me" but he does need someone to talk to about next semester at college, etc...

Tomorrow will be six weeks since I last heard from my friend. I have been emailing less and emoting less. Do I need to worry yet? or is it possible he is still adjusting to his changes?