Aspergers Bringing Out The Worst In People

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You're mixing eviction for a transgression/conflict (cat), with the landlord giving you only a few days notice because of selling the house as you said. No landlord sells the house a few days after signing a rent contract with a new tenant, everyone knows that. The compensation would be many, many thousands he'd have to pay you, as I said in my previous post.

Much of what you say doesn't make sense, too much to even start taking it seriously. Then you add more info and it's even more confusing and makes even less sense. The chaos you show to us doesn't seem like it's mostly caused by that. Eg: how could a trip of $3k end up costing you $10K? At some point one chooses to lose part of the $3K and give up on at least part of the plans so as not to incur another $7 in expenses!

I'm sure you do want and need and deserve help, and people here do want to help. But something's wrong in how you tell your problems.

Last edited by Greentea on 13 Aug 2009, 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I want to help because I was in your situation once (as I explained before) and no one helped me. But you do have to give up the woe stories (as I had to back then), calm down and start little by little sharing (with us or someone you choose) what is really going on.

Yay! I'm not the only one constantly in crazy situations. I wish the people with me during some of these times would compare notes cause I always get this "well yeah it happened that one time, but no way it could happen again". I think its a combo of our tendency towards clumsiness, an unusual talent for coming off as rude (especially when we try to be extra polite) and such.

What I have learned so far is:
Roommates are a BAD idea, even ones known for being very good roommates.
Never borrow money no matter how dire the situation, because luck will not allow me to pay it back until triple the promised time has passed even when I have multiple ways to pay back on time.
My house will always be a disaster and I will always be thought of as a slob because regardless of when I cleaned it it is messy by the time someone stops by even if it was clean less than five minutes before the visit.
Grama will always come by when that shirt she got you is in the wash, and even though you actually love it (which is why it is always in the wash because you wear it first) she thinks you hate it because she never sees it on you.
The cat and the kid are conspiring against me. One will distract me while the other demolishes something.
Plan EVERYTHING to take double the time you originally estimate and you will still be cutting it close.
Don't focus on the bad luck that piles down on you. Focus on the really odd good luck you also seem to have. (I dunno if this counts for everyone, but I have both the worst luck ever and the best luck ever. It's like I'm just not allowed that middle ground.)

She was agreing with what I said about the law varying between states, so she mentioned the completely separate case about the cat as an example of how tenant law varies state to state.


I don't know her landlord's particular circumstances, but selling a house is not exactly the same as deciding to sell a house. It usually takes some time to sell a house (unless there was suddenly a huge offer, always a possibility, I guess,) but deciding to sell a house can also mean needing to get tenants out. Real estate in the US is kinda in flux now, strange things are happening in the market.


I'm not sure about what was said on the catatonic thread, but she explained the thing about the trip.
Is something going on between you two that I missed?

This was indeed how I first started managing my life after that chaotic time. The first piece of advice I got from that therapist was to "accept reality". So I started planning things with more reality, and the first was the time that something would take me. This indeed changed my life very much for the better. Nowadays I calculate about 1.5 or double the time I need to get somewhere in the car, and I sometimes arrive too early but it's saved me lots and lots of chaos.

Everything important I have to do ever since that crazy time, I calculate extra time for (reasonable) unexpected developments. I remember that keys were a nightmare during those times. The most incredible things would happen to me with keys. Once I got locked out of the apt in my dressing gown, as I put the garbage bin outside for a second while washing the floors. The landlord had to drive for half an hour to open the door. Another time I got locked out just when I was supposed to change clothes and go to the airport to get people coming from a very far away country who had been in flights for 2 days. Another time I got locked out of my car when I needed the car to pick up someone from the airport. Once I went to the store to buy the last things because I had a guest for the weekend. When I came back, a friend had gone to sleep and left their key in the lock so I couldn't get in for hours - very sound sleeper! The icecream was a mess, it was summer, the guest arrived and found me in a terrible mess, we had to wait outside, and this wasn't someone I felt very free with.

First of all, I still don't know what four questions I answered cause I don't remember answering them. THey had to be in another thread cause I don't have one PM from you in my inbox, and I haven't gotten enough of those to have to start deleting them just yet.

Either way, the cat situation was an apartment in Wyoming like years ago. The situation now is selling the house. I don't have cats anymore, so that has nothing to do with it now. I was just stating an example of how different situation cause for different notices legally in the states.

I do add details as people ask for them or as I think they are relevant. If I wrote out my whole story with details from the get go, nobody would read my posts becuase it would be 3 WP pages long. Anyway, the story with the landlord here...

Sometime in the beginning of May/end of April, we pay rent and security deposit for this house. We still had our old apartment that we had to pay rent for because I had to give them a 30 day notice, and nobody wants to wait 30 days for you to move in and start paying rent. So that happens a lot where you pay rent for two places in the same month, as I did in May. This house did not have a lease for rental. I liked the option of being able to move out when I felt like it and not worry about the lease because it was 200 more a month in rent than our last place, but we felt it was worth it for space for the kids and a yard etc. Landlord also told me he wanted someone who was planning to be there for a while.

Mid may, i get the key to the place from the girlfriend meeting her in a parking lot at a restaurant since she was en-route with kids and school and extracurricular activities. When I grabbed the keys, I asked about the smoking issue. She said she smoked, so it was no big deal. I told her that I don't like to smoke in front of my kids, so most of my smoking is outside, but sometimes it's more convenient for me to smoke inside, and when I do, I usually hang out an open window. She said that was more than fine.

So we move in June 1st. The house was very unclean upon moving in. There was still food in the fridge and cabinet. The toilet wasn't even cleaned. The floor was mopped in main areas, but like in the closet, it needed swept and mopped badly like it hadn't been done in years. The bathtub was caked in hard water. The house was already partially furnished (which we weren't aware was going to happen), so we didn't have much room for our furniture. IN addition to the furniture, there were dishes and decorations everywhere that don't belong to us. Even tupperware. Yuck. Also, the landlord told us in May we could use his grill on the back deck. When we moved in, the grill was gone as he took it for his use. Also, there's a bunch of nasty trash and toys in the backyard, and pool supplies yet no pool. We cleaned up the mess (except for the crap in the yard) and moved on. No big deal.

2 weeks later, the basement is flooded in sewer water. The landlord and girlfriend was at the beach. So the mom came over and handled most of it. We had to stay in a hotel (out of our pocket) til they could have someone unclog it because we couldn't use the water at all until then (including toilet). They had roto rooter come and unclog the main. He said nothing unusual was there to clog it. The basement had a bunch of our stuff in it as well as the landlord's stuff in it. All had to be taken out so that it could be cleaned. Pregnant and not knowing it, I clean off what I can and then claim the rest on my insurance. Unfortunately, my renter's insurance covers replacement costs up to 2500 dollars. Beyond that, it will give cash value (a depreciated value) for the items and then give you the difference once you turn in receipts to show you replaced the items. Because I wasn't planning on replacing every item, and because I'm sure the depreciated value would be incredibly low, I only claimed up to 2500 because I don't have the cash to front replacements. So as a result, I lost $1,000 out of the deal. My theory on what happened was the landlord mentioned that the guy who lived here before me had lived here a month without water, and that's why the toilet in the basement smelled like urine. I figure he did more than number 1 and without water, it would clog the main.

When the mom showed up, I had a lit cigarette where I was smoking right next to an open window. She didn't say anything about it. I just did that because if I went outside, my 2 year old would want to be out there too, and then it would be hell for me to get her back into the house so that I can show this woman what was going on in the basement.

Somewhere along this time frame with calls about Roto Rooter and things, the boyfriend told me I wasn't allowed to smoke in the house at all and he's sorry for the misunderstanding. I told him his girlfriend told me I could, and he changed the subject.

Then the landlord was worried about other things in the house and safety concerns because the basement got him thinking. He wanted to do a "walk through" on father's day of all days. So father's day rolls around, and my father is dead, so I had planned on going to his grave that day. well, my hubby is a dad too, so he planned himself a day off from the house. So I sat and waited all day for this guy to never show up. So then I missed out on my plans as a result. I mention it now since you want details, adn I think that's really rude on the landlord's part.

Then August rolls around and the landlord calls me telling me he's thinking about selling the house and would like to offer it to us to buy. He wants way too much for the house, and the house is sounding more like a liability than an asset to me the more I live in it. Anyway, we aren't ready to buy. So I told him we weren't interested. He said we were more than welcome to stay while he tries to sell it, but we'd have to maintain it show ready. I have a one year old, a two year old with Aspergers/PDD NOS who is overactive, and I'm pregnant again. In addition, all my stuff that was in the basement for storage is in my living room and bedrooms because the garage is full of furniture that I can't fit in the house as well as a bunch of the landlord's junk. So I decided in August that we need to move out quickly thinking we'd have at least til December to move. Mainly, if he sold it, he'd only give me 30 days notice to leave (if that), and it wouldn't be so bad except winter's coming, and December will be a month of finals and Christmas, and February will be a month of giving birth and breastfeeding. So, I can't do 30 days notice on some months, others okay. So I decided it was in our better interest to move out now.

We start looking for another house to rent, and we find nothing but dumps. At one house, I got attacked by a swarm of wasps and got stung about 9-13 times (not sure cause some bumps were bigger than others like they got stung more than once in one spot). Anyway, as we are going to wait another week for a new magazine to come out where most rentals are advertised in this area, the basement is flooded again but this time with clean water. The landlord wanted to show this house on Monday, and we discovered the flooded area on Sunday before that monday, so the Monday show never happened and he has not brought up showing the place again since then.

So, the landlord comes over and is angry. He yells at me saying it's the AC and it's because I keep windows open sometimes and he thinks the AC is on when I do that and I've been over running the AC causing it to freeze up yet still function and then thaw out while it's on and create that flood. (Which is impossible) So then he complains about the mess he saw through the door when he knocked. I had cleaned minutes before he got there, as that day was the day I even dusted and handled glassware. I had vacuumed probably a half hour before he got there, but I also let my one year old munch on food, and she tends to chew food and spit it out. So there were some chewed up food on the floor (I forget what it was, but snack food). She was still running around munching while he was here. He said that I needed to unpack the house faster for show and pick up more after my kids (literally following them around the house cleaning up after them). This was probably where I think I was introduced to his temper tantrums.

Anyway, he turns off the AC and says I have to wait until the AC guy comes. This was on a Sunday, so we get a hotel room. I'm pregnant and get awful hot flashes and night sweats, and the one year old doesn't like the heat to the point where she just cries non stop. The house was at 90 degrees when we left it to hit up the hotel room at 7pm EST. So then I call the landlord the next day to get status on AC guy, and I had already called up my AC guy to see when he could come if need be, and the landlord says they are still waiting to hear back from him.

Monday, we decide to look at this place we weren't too interested in because it wasn't a house and was more rent a month than where we are now. We went and looked at it, was happy with it, and decided by Tuesday morning to rent it and claimed it. We signed the lease on Tuesday morning and gave our security deposit.

Tuesday noon comes around, and still no word from the AC guy. I told the landlord that I couldn't afford anymore hotel rooms and can't stay in that hot house in my condition. He kept saying he was doing all he could do, and I kept saying that I understood that but maybe he might consider trying to call a different AC guy. I even offered my AC guy, and he said no. He also said that we needed to be out of that house in 30 to 45 days, and I heard a lot of blah blah blahs until I finally interrupted with, "We'll be out by the end of the month." He said he didn't expect me to say that, but okay. I also told the landlord what I thought was going wrong with the AC at this conversation I think. can't remember, but it was a good theory and was in the end right on.

Tuesday night, i get a hold of my mom in Alaska and she tells me I can crash at her place and where she hid a spare key (since she recently changed locks and I no longer have a copy). So, it gets late, and the heat made me really sick. The one year old is screaming and crying non stop. I'm throwing up non stop. The two year old is raising hell and at one point was spraying me and the one year old with bleach. I was throwing up too hard and peeing myself at the same time to do much about it except give the one year old some cover and clean her off. Finally my husband gets home to get kids ready and in the car so we can go to my mom's house. I was fine after we left.

Wednesday, the AC guy comes by. The mom is with him. I guess they work together as EMTs for a hospital. Anyway, she's telling him what is wrong not knowing anything about anything because she wasn't here when the boyfriend and her daughter was to assess it. Anyway, I was helping out best I could mentioning that I could only go from what I observed the boyfriend and girlfriend talking about and what they've said to me. The mom was rude. Like at one point, I said he thought it had something to do with the windows being open, and they aren't open all the time with the AC on. The AC guy said that it would never cause the problems we had. The mom then rudely claims that the windows are open 24 7 all summer long because the neighbors said so. I ignored it and focused on the task at hand. Another point, the mother said her daughter said that there was a steady stream of water coming out of the AC. She called her daughter to locate by voice where it was. I said I never saw that stream and nobody pointed it out to me. The AC guy said there was no evidence of water sitting and streaming where they were claiming. The mom was rude with me about it saying that I was incompetent for not noticing the stream of water or a flooded basement when it was flooding before it got big (which I just don't go down there much because it's creepy and I still smell on a psychosematic level the crap from before, and it has a bunch of jumping spiders in it and I don't hate spiders, but I don't like them either). Anyway, she said her daughter saw it and did say something, adn I told her that her daughter doesn't say much when her boyfriend is around. Then I told her the one thing her daughter did say about the copper tubing not being frozen as it would if the AC froze up. The AC guy finally said that he didn't think there was anything wrong with the AC and the water was coming from somewhere else, probably the rain we got. I mentioned the previous clog and showed where the main was unclogged but that the AC tubing connects to that main and nobody unclogged that and asked if it were possible the clog reached the AC tubing before it was unclogged. He said it was a very good possibility, and he wished someone told him about it so he could have an air compressor with him to see. So he scheduled to come back on Friday to attempt to unclog it. As he left, I did my pleasant, "Thank you very much for coming and have a great day" deal, and I intentionally wasn't going to say anything to the mom because she was being so rude. As she was leaving, she walked passed me staring at the ground and mumbled, "you're messing with the wrong girl." I asked her loudly by the time she reached the van with the AC guy why she would say that. She started screaming to not mess with her. I told her i wasn't trying to mess with anyone and I just want the Ac fixed and move out. At some point I asked if she were psychotic, and she smiled and said yes she was really really psychotic and to not forget it. I can't remember anything else that was said word for word, but there was a lot of yelling and in some way she communicated some sort of physical threat. So they left as my husband came out to see what was going on, and then I called the police. I don't think he can file an actual report, but at least he was able to somehow note the incident.

So then I call the boyfriend and explained to him that I called the police and that this woman didn't need to be over here anymore until after we left. He said he'd think about it basically (not in those exact words). He also asked me to keep an eye on the AC flooding since it was back on to kind of test it. Well, we get off the phone, I go check the AC, and it was flooding with a steady stream of water coming out of a pipe next to the hole the crazy mom was trying to claim where the water was coming out of. So I turned off the AC and came up with the solution to get a window unit. My mom had one that was my old one from when I lived with her that we forgot she had, so we grabbed that. We had to seriously troubleshoot to get it in the window because it was too big, but we removed the entire window to get it to fit and it fits.

Friday, the AC guy came and removed the clog and the AC has worked fine since then. BTW, he did the job for free. And all week he was unavailable because his mother was dying and did die during the week. I'm sure he told the landlord this who couldn't tell me anything about it or think to go through another guy whose mother wasn't dying, probably because he wanted the job done for free. What an A$$.

Sunday, the boyfriend comes by to mow the lawn (we aren't doing them any favors anymore). He then comes up here raising hell that he could smell smoke in the basement. He asked me if I were smoking, and I said no. I did say that once in a while when it's raining, I'll hang out the door with a cigarette, and then all angry like, he says, "So you've been deliberately smoking inside the house when I specifically told you not to." Then I was like, "I'm hanging out the door like this, and it hasn't rained in a while so there's no reason for you to be smelling it." Then he leaves all angry like. In all honesty, I'm pregnant. I don't want to smoke, but the stress is worse on the baby than the cigarettes and with all the stress I got going on right now, quitting would be brutal on my body and the baby. I'm of course trying to cut back as much as possible, and I'm trying to keep my smoking down to when I'm driving only.

I call my social friend and she recommends me telling an old friend of my father's as well as her friend who also knows this guy's family really well. He happens to also be one of my facebook friends, so I make a comment on my facebook "Getting ready to move to xxxtown. Please pray that this new landlord is fair and friendly and that I don't have any problems with him. I swear if one more landlord physically threatens me I just might take them up on that offer." Of course, he asks what's going on. I tell him a little in private message, and asked for his advice. He told me what I was doing was just fine. I hope he tells his circle of friends what's going on because they are all parents and uncles of my landlord, and it's a big family business. You can find their products nationally, and possibly internationally. All the execs of it are family.

So then as I'm typing it, the boyfriend shows up and checks the basement through the garage for any flooding. He didn't say much. I did Febreeze the house playing it off that I just got out of the bathroom in case he wants to make any weird accusations about the smell of smoke.

Then I haven't heard from him or seen him since, but on Tuesday, I realized that on Sunday (I think) he threw away some of my stuff I had sitting out near the garage. He broke a lot of it in the process. In addition, he threw all the grass in a garbage can without lining it. So I didn't set it out for trash day and plan on leaving it here for him to deal with. I also took some of the craft crap of his (actually I think they belong to the girlfriend's mom) and put it in a box and set it next to the trash can holding my stuff. It should be okay as long as it doesn't rain, and it has rained....

I'm trying to plan the move on Saturday of this week, and I'm no where near ready for it. I am so overwhelmed with the time factor that I just don't have the time or money to move right now, so I'm pulling a miracle out of my tail right now. I do try to plan ahead for things cause I do know the kind of luck I get, but at the same time, this is interfering with my ability to plan for other things I think are about to go wrong in my life next month, and I am good at preventing many catastrophes now, but somehow I don't know what I could have done to avoid this one. Maybe I should have seen the red flags early on, and I think I did but ignored it for whatever reason. Either way, that's my whole story on this rental situation. If I went into that kind of detail on my other examples where everything in life when wrong for me, you can see how it would be a lot to read. It could be a novel.

As for my AS diagnosis. I never said I had a problem getting one. I just question if I really need one. I don't think I do, so I haven't tried. Now my daughter was a serious dilemma on should I try to seek one out or leave it alone, and then I decided to seek it out, and now she's diagnosed. I'm comfortable knowing that my mom a counselor and the psychologist who diagnosed my daughter both agree I'm Aspergers. I don't need it on paper. This website is about the only therapy I'm going to find as an adult for it, outside of one on one with a shrink, but most of what they have to go on is no where near as what people know about it on this site. I don't need a diagnosis on paper to utilize this site. I might decide to get one if I want to take part in research.

I don't know what your questions are specifically to answer. So whatever I didn't answer already in this long story, you are more than welcome to ask it here and I will answer it or tell you I won't and what reason I have behind it. I don't know what the Catatonic thread is, and I don't have any PM messages from you. Is it possible you are confusing me for someone else?

The vacation, like I said was unforseen situations. Like I got screwed out of quite a bit on the rental car insurance alone. A lot of the expenses on that trip was also to get home. It would end up being a long story like this if I went into the details, and now I can't quite remember them all too well cause that was a couple years ago when I was sleep deprived and I've since then had another kid and is pregnant again which takes a toll on memory and brain function, but also I had other variables such as the culture. You don't tell a Puerto Rican family that you are there to visit them with their first grandbaby that they have yet to meet, got as far as San Juan, but now decided to go home because things were getting too expensive.

I think that misunderstandings, stress, confusion, fear and misinformation bring out the worst in people.

If it could even be called the "worst".
People probably believe that they're behaving with the best intentions or "right" reactions at the time.

Perhaps some people genuinely want to help, but somehow, in doing so either make the situation "worse" by drawing attention to it or misinterpreting it.

Perhaps the "worst" is the "best" way a person knows how to behave at the time, given the resources and information they have.

This has been my experience anyway.

Sometimes, "in the heat of the moment", "one's nose is pressed up too close to the glass" of the situation to truly appreciate fully what's going on.

A lot of my minor problems is that I never plan enough time. I'm addicted to squeezing in as many things as possible before I leave the house to go somewhere. I hate stopping what I'm doing before Im finished to move on to something else, and sometimes it takes twice as long if not longer with kids. You know if you got them. You sit down to check your email, and then before you know it, 8 hours later, you are still checking your email cause you keep having to get up and handle something. My husband says I spend too much time on the WP, and I"m like out of the hours I spend on here, I get actually 20 minutes all together with a minute or two here and there to work on something. In fact, the last post I was only able to type because the speech therapist was here for a good portion of it, and then my daughter had a blast playing in the potty without me knowing (I should have known that silence for longer than 3 minutes means something bad is going on). I love my children, but I just don't see how people can manage their time wisely and consistently with young kids unless they lock them up in a room somewhere. Right now things are crazy cause the kids see the boxes and the packing and they don't know what to expect. Kids hate that. I keep aiming for some sort of stability because I think it will make things easier with the kids where we can have routines and be in one place for a while, but I can't seem to get that.

I also notice if I consciously decide I want to do something, like get to an appointment on time, then everything works against me. If I don't try at all or even think about it, then things work out well. We were more stable when we weren't trying to get that than now that we want it. My house is generally cleaner now, but I stopped trying so much.

As far as roommates, my hubby is the only one I've had that I liked
I never borrow money, and I never give out loans.
My house is generally clean right now, but it's always a mess when family and friends come over that complain about it being messy, even when I do clean it right before they get here. Anyway, they find something else to complain about that I'm doing wrong if I don't give them a messy house to hit first.
I don't have a grandma anymore, but I can see how that happens. I do that with my kids clothes my mom buys them.

My Aspie daughter (she's 2) will distract me and then do something else. Like if she wants to dump the toys to use the toy tub as a step stool so she can try to climb to the top of the fridge to grab the PAM becuase she loves spraying things with it, she'll attempt it and then I stop her. So then she'll go to another room and clear off the top of something, or tip a book shelf to knock all the stuff off, or throw things in the toilet, or dump a box of cereal all over her sister's room, and then when I'm cleaning that, when I'm done, I come out to the main room to see all the toys dumped on the floor, the tub in front of the countertop next to the fridge, my 2 year old standing and stuck on teh countertop with the PAM in her hands spraying the kitchen floor from the countertop so that I can slip as I try to go get her to take her down. It's really fun when this sort of thing happens while I'm on the phone with an annoying jerk like my landlord.

Also, I do plan double time for important things like job interviews. I try to plan it more on regular daily chores and things, but then I don't have enough time to do everything and nobody wants to hear my excuses as to why I coudn't get it done type thing.

I try to not focus on bad luck as much as finding a solution to my problem. I do also have that incredible good luck, and I wouldn't change it to get rid of that bad luck. Like I'll never win the lottery, but my daughter might take a big fall and be unharmed as if she had an angel coddling her in the process. I also have some close calls while driving and it has to be luck (I'd like to say skill, but I know it's luck or God). It reminds me of a story I read from one of those mass emails. I don't remember the details... Like two angels go into town, and they needed a place to stay. The rich people treated them very badly and they didn't stay there anymore. This poor family took them in and offered them what little they had. That night, their cow died. That cow was an important source of income and food for them somehow. Either way, I forget what happened with the rich, but good things happened to them and this angel had a good reason why. Then when asked by the second angel why the angel let the bad thing happen to the cow when the poor people deserved better, that angel said that death came by wanting to take one of their kids, and I was able to basically pull a miracle to have death take the cow instead.

As much as I hate what's going on now, who knows if I don't read after i move out that this house explodes in the middle of the night or something. It's also possible our new landlord does a lot of construction work and maybe he'll offer my husband a job or something. It's also possible nothing happens where we can see how it served our better interest to move. I do try to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that God has my better interest in mind when these bad things happen. But I'm sure some of it is self sabotage, and I'm not sure how I'm doing that. But I want to make it stop on my end.

But I forget all that sometimes amidst all the drama, and it was nice to see your post remind me that things do happen for a reason and I need to focus on the positive. It's not like we are moving to the ghetto (which I thought about this run down apartments that are cheap with lots of crime but I know the people and they do have a pool). This new place is very nice. We really are living a luxurious life for being unemployed students with 2 kids and one on the way. But like you said, crazy bad luck mixed with crazy good luck.

That makes total sense. I was just stepping back from my current situation to start to appreciate what's going on. A lot of things too are like change can be scary and stressful. A dream dictionary I have says that Tornado's in dreams represent change, and probably for a good reason cause change often feels like a tornado.

When it comes to the social aspects, I still think I'm doing something unintentionally that brings about negative behaviors from other people, even if they think they are doing the right thing.

Your advice is great to help me figure out why the worst comes out of me.

*** APOLOGY ***

Sorry, Tantybi. I confused you with someone else re the PMs and threads and questions and diagnosis - not relevant.

[shame]

Big apology!!

I'll delete that from my posts here.

Tantybi,

Now that I've recovered a bit from my public embarrassment on this thread, I've read thoroughly and would like to attempt an interpretation. I really want to help, because I know all about being in your situation and nobody helped me in any way that made a difference. I mean, nobody taught me anything.

That said, please take into account that I'm not sure if my comments will help, and also that I'm very blunt and my words may hurt, but I mean well.

What stands out to me reading your sharing is that you fail to see your own rights too much and see those of others too much. You empower people over you, and the reason they turn nasty is that most people, when given power and shown no boundaries, will abuse that power.

I believe what may be causing you to act that way is twofold:
1. An insufficient model of self-respect from home (either a parent not asserting their own needs, or you having been an abused child, or your needs having been discounted by parents when growing up, coupled with a strict teaching to respect your elders)
2. Lack of theory of mind - miscalculating how others usually will act in certain situations/interactions.

Many, many things you allowed stand out to me as shockingly wrong. And at some point, everything was already too wrong to even try to make anything right anymore. The root problems I see, though, are:

1. Never-ever, for no reason in the world, agree to move anywhere without a contract. No reason or advantage in the world matters, especially with small kids. The contract must stipulate, among other things, that NO ONE except the owner (or their legal, pre-established representative and written in the contract) is allowed to enter the house or even as much as talk to you. The contract must also stipulate the amount of money you'll receive if you're vacated before time. And many other things. This would've avoided all the problems you had with people, who obviously, climbed on your head, as we say here, meaning, they made a joke out of you.

2. Again, sorry for the bluntness, but you sound to me like a single mother with 3 kids (maybe 4?). This is in itself a chaotic situation. Nothing you can do about that. And many people will abuse/exploit that.

The way we teach people to walk all over us is in the small details, NOT the big ones. Eg: you arrange a time for your landlord to come. You tell him you won't be home either before or after that. Even if your water supply depends on it, yes. Then you sue him for each day that he failed to bring a repairman.

I think that once you're out of this mess, you should sue the landlord. Ok, maybe you don't have enough written proof to win, but it'll do wonders to your self-esteem even if you lose. And you might get some of the money you lost back.

But whatever you do from now on, please do stop blaming yourself for everything that others do wrong. Eg: in your situation, alone with 3-4 kids and an evil landlord, the house is SUPPOSED to be a mess. And if anyone comments on it? Send them to hell, or tell them to grab a mop and start helping. Do love yourself ! !! !

PS: if a landlord had put the house for sale a few days after renting it to me and commented on my smoking, I would've answered: "So sue me. We'll discount the money I owe you for it from the fortune you owe me on financial and emotional damages." And I would've lit up another cig.

Mind you, everything I wrote here is from my own experience, and the things I've learned the hard way and done. Nothing I say here is just talking from the armchair.

And again, sorry for confusing you with someone else.

Reading all of the above I am so happy that there's a place for people with ASDs to come and share and learn so much..


barbedlotus wrote:

Me too! when the 'worst luck' is on.... i live/ work in cruise mode until i can look at issue/whatever, and deal with it direct.

Most important for me when I'm in cruise - i trust myself to get through it , and I do. To the constant surprise/disbelief of those around me.

This is when my AS has brought out the worst in others because of the objections they have/had to my attaining something... e.g. believing i attained it without good effort for it.

Ah well, like others here have said in their way-
"we are who we are" and for myself - as long as I'm not hurting myself, someone else or something, I'm glad to be me and glad to be HOW i am.

You raise a very interesting point.


I now believe that this is what I'm doing too.

This would explain why I cannot approach 98% of people and say "Hello" without being socially rejected. However, if I let them approach me first and say "Hello", the success rate is much higher.

After that point, all I have to do is simply respond to what they say.
People tend to be much more understanding if they wanted to talk to you in the first place.

So this is what I've been doing for much of my life: letting people make friends with me (not so much the other way round).


This is bizarre, because I can talk in front of an audience and do a presentation with no problems.

I think that giving a presentation is a "different kind of talk" to chatting with people and making friends casually.

Perhaps doing a presentation could be viewed as a kind of overt "display" activity: a sort of "Here I am, this is my territory." type thing. Hence probably requires different body language. I've noticed that people tend to stare more and use more expansive gestures when presenting.

Whereas chatting and making friends is more about connecting socially, it isn't so much about blatantly showing off how much you know or establishing a territory. So hence requires different body language to presenting (staring and expansive gestures could get you into big trouble!)

What if someone could give a presentation, but have have trouble sustaining an ordinary conversation?

What if that someone was a woman?


This is a key issue.

Social interaction is a two way process.

What if I'm doing something inadvertently to put people off that can't be helped?

Or worse, what if I'm making a facial expression, inadvertently, that frightens people away?
What if it's part of my biology?
What if facial affect is inherited?
What if I can't help "staring"?

What if this can't be trained out of people because it's how their brains are set up: how they are.

What if people are constantly socially rejected because of how they are biologically?

What if this would make social skills training of limited use, or in some cases even a futile exercise because some of people's behaviours are deeply ingrained biologically or simply can't be helped?

What if the course instructors are unnerved by the participant's behaviours and the instructors try to "correct" these behaviours to make themselves feel better?

What if people are programmed to react to inadvertent staring as a "threat" because it's a gut reaction?


I'm just thinking about all of the so called "Communication" courses I've been on.

None of these courses seem to allow for the fact that some people might not be able to easily join in a group discussion, get into groups or put forward points without being socially rejected.

All of these courses blithely assume that everyone is born with the innate ability to walk up to someone and say "Hello" with the appropriate social cues, just because the majority of people can.

These courses also assume that everyone, with a bit of training, can be magically transformed from a socially awkward individual to a "social butterfly". These courses also expect everyone to be automatically people orientated, able to collaborate and social from the get-go.

These courses don't allow for the fact that some people aren't built or born to be "social butterflies" or may have their own ways of communicating.

These courses also don't account for different styles of non-verbal dialects either.

I guess when you're dumb as s**t you can't recognize the dumb as s**t look when somebody gives it to you.

Greentea you are an amazing woman and I admire your (what you have termed) "bluntness" and your desire to offer your very keen observations and excellent advice.

It took me a long time to read all of this thread but I'm glad I did. Tantybi, I hope things are looking up for you and the kids. I can understand how these seemingly impossible things fell together and actually happened, although at first or at certain points I found myself saying WTF? I kn ow other people who seem to attract all of the crazyness that you have described. You too are an amazing woman, especially in your honesty and complete lack of a facade. I think you and Greentea are both alike in this respect, no facades. This can be a blessing and a curse of course.

Don't worry about the minor confusion. It probably didn't help that I just changed my avatar. It used to be of catwoman, and then I just finally grew some balls and uploaded a picture of me and my kids. It's really hard sometimes to keep people straight on here because we don't get to see their faces. I'm a very visual person, so I almost require something visual to help me remember who is who. Unless you stood out to me very much so in other threads about something you said, there's only a handful of people on here that I can kind of keep track between threads because I see them around so often. You are usually one of them because you've been here for so long, but I really can't remember what all you've said to me in the past on the internet. Truthfully, I wasn't sure about all that at first, and I was almost expecting you to quote me somewhere that I didn't remember. But I usually answer people's questions on here, and if it's like a TMI situation, I still answer the question that I won't answer it.

I do tend to see other people's rights over my own. Like I was saying earlier, I think people do kind of test you like children. They test to see what they can get away with, and as I let them get away with anything, they do overpower me no different than children would if I let them get away with everything. Obviously though, we can't talk to grown ups the way we do children. You just don't send a 35 year old man who is also your landlord to time out. So how do people socially draw a line?

I don't think I have an insufficient model of self-respect as much as I just don't have any self respect. I think I'm this way because I did act like an Aspergers Child growing up around a family who was clueless to Aspergers. My little sister is the opposite. I call her the drama queen. She always overreacted to things, emotionally especially, and she was manipulative, spoiled, and irrational. My parents enabled her behavior all my life. It wasn't until a couple years ago when I was gone in the military did my mom finally see my sister for who she is, and I still get apologies about my childhood as a result. My sister has even apologized for the way she acted as a child clueless that she still kind of acts like this as a grown up.

Either way, all my life, I was raised to put my sister's feelings and needs over my own. I'm the big sister, and I'm supposed to act like I'm the big sister. That means when she is being mean, I just turn the other cheek. When she is in trouble, I save her. When she is verbally abusing me, I ignore it. She used to drive me crazy with that too. Like if she was mad about something at school, she'd come home and provoke me until there was a fight, and then I'd be the only one who got in trouble because Aspie anger is not a pretty sight. Then she'd laugh about it. Also, I was told many times to pitter patter around her emotions so as not to upset her. Anyway, you obviously hit the nail on the head because I can see now clearly that is exactly why I have no self respect.

I will probably start a thread about self respect now, because I wonder where all Aspies see themselves with "Self Respect." In my case, my sister fits with my lack of self respect; however, I can kinda see how other situations of me just being Aspie and grown ups being NT can do that to me too. Like a chain reaction of many experiences of being an Aspie on the wrong planet so to speak.

I'm not sure if I'm totally lacking the TOM or if I'm doubting myself too much. I saw red flags with this landlord, and I ignored them. I also didn't assert myself. Maybe it's both. Maybe I'm lacking TOM to where I can't understand what the red flags meant, but I still saw them and knew better.

The problem with the contract is that nobody has to rent to me. Most landlords have a pre-established contract that they use and it's take it or leave it. Sometimes, you can throw in some fine print of your own, but it depends on who you are dealing with. Houses are different than complexes though. This is my first time renting an actual house where the owner isn't really a landlord but a homeowner. Because we don't have anything in writing, I can smoke in this house all I want to and get away with it because it's not in writing. He can cry about it all he wants, but if it were that important, he'd put it in writing. He didn't have to require a one year lease to have a lease. He just doesn't realize that people do draw up 30 day leases and month to month leases where it renews every month you live there until you put in a 30 day notice or whatever. I should have had everything put to writing cause technically, he could keep my security deposit trying to state it was nonrefundable if he wanted to because I handed it over to him without anything in writing about how to get it back. I think he's kind of dumb to it though becuase I think he's trying to create the "smoking" situation in order to keep my deposit. In which case, I'm sure he'll end up settling out of court before a lawsuit to avoid any negative media. It's one of those situations where he has a lot of power and authority in this town, and I can use that to my advantage cause he has more to lose than my deposit. It's not just him, but his whole family where he's the younger generation.

I do also need to learn to get people to do things more on my terms than their's. I guess it all goes back to that self respect. I don't respect myself to give myself my schedule. I've been working on it more with my friends because all my friendships are on their terms more so than mine. I go out of my way to see my friends, and they rarely go out of their way to come see me. My husband can't stand that, and he gets on me about it. My family is the same way. I go to my mom's house or my sister's house, and they rarely come to mine. My mom will to help me, but not to just visit because she doesn't like the mess that isn't always there. That's partially why I get on myself too about a messy house. My mother in law put it to me the best way to describe it. I may not own my house. I do own my car. Both are disasters more often than not. Even when my house is clean, it has a lot of clutter. Either way, I should take pride in my home and my car, and no matter how poor you are, or how old your car is, or how ghetto your house is, a clean house and a clean car is much more inviting than a messy one. You can make the ugliest of houses look nice just by taking care of it. I don't want my kids turning 16 and my house still messy cause I can't get a grip, and they are embarrassed to invite their friends over because their mom sucks.

Either way, I knew you were going to give me some insight that was going to seriously help me. I really need to put some more thought into this "Self Respect." I probably need to wait until after I move. I should be packing my house up now instead of playing on the WP. But this is therapy darn it.