Aspie son just left fist-sized hole in our hallway wall

Post Reply New Topic

I put holes in walls when I was a teenager. I already knew it was unacceptable but I did it anyways. I often reached the point where I was so angry that I don't care about the consequences of my actions. I was also so depressed at that time of my life that no amount of punishment short of inflicting physical pain or torture could make me feel any worse than I already felt.

I myself have never gotten mad enough to do such as make holes but I do have burst of energy when angered or inspired.

Thanks for all the feedback. You guys are all so nice. I feel I can talk about anything on this forum. Now I don't feel so lonely. (I have a spouse but can't talk to him about much at all).

I was an idiot, as my son HATES school and that was his last night of summer vacation. (He even refused to go to school today). I agree that I should not have mentioned the thing about the computer. But I don't like his temper and hate to have to worry about it.

He is a 13 year old who is deep in puberty and is bullied rellentlessly at school. He is described as "quiet" at school so he probably bottles up the rage and lets it out when he gets home. Most of his friends are on the computer game Runescape. He dreads going back to school.

Would an anger management class work for him? I worry that he might hit his sister someday. She is 1/3 of his size.

Anger management classes...Im not sure how effective they would be...since the source of his anger is ongoing.

Do you have a firepit or a fireplace.....if so, you can buy a trailerload of unchopped wood, hand him an axe, and put him to work for a few hours.My NT brother gets angry easiliy, and it is best countered by giving him work such as chopping wood or cleaning the gutters on the roof, shovelling the driveway, or raking leaves, mowing the lawn, and other such tasks.

And to deal with the bullies, when I was bullied, if they got really bad, I kicked the living S---- out of them.Parents didnt get mad at me for it since they felt I had every right to defend myself.Some of these bulllies who pick on your son, need to have your sons foot up their rear ends before they learn anything.

The work you assign your son, not only will it give him a way to channal his anger, but it will also make him stronger when it comes to dealing with bullies in the age old effective manner.

I think he should learn how to control his anger. Wrecking your home is unacceptable, AS or not. I would never allow it out of my own kids and it wouldn't matter if they were aspie. I wonder if wrecking my own child's thing would teach him if he wishes to break things or punch holes in my home? My mom used to give me a taste of my own medicine all the time. Whatever I did to other kids, she did it back to me. One time I was pinching my brothers, she grabbed me and pinched me back and left three scabs on my face. When i spray kids in my yard with a garden hose, she take it and spray me back with it.

When I gets really pissed of, I do something opposit, usually go and hug my dog for a few minutes. Works like a charm. And I have noticed that my temper has improved since too.
Yes you should have, as you did. Don't let his outburst scare you. It does not matter how many hormones are running amok in his body or what the other kids are doing to him at school, it's not a right to be angry and break things. Ever.

Agreed. The behavior was unacceptable. Quite frankly I'm shocked to see so many people responding in a "Oh, that's normal/I did that and most teenage boys are like that" attitude. It's not normal and most teenage boys don't act that way.

Look at it this way. If an NT student got so mad at an AS student (because of some minor thing) that he glared at the AS student and then punched a hole in the wall would you still think it was no big deal? Obviously there is a form of intimidation going on here.

Unacceptable.

I am Autistic and I have NEVER punched a hole in the wall or exploded in such a violent manner.
My NT brother, on the other hand, was always violent and explosive, destroying not only objects, but also directing his physical violence towards people and even pets!


Since your son loves the computer so much, make him research on the internet exactly how to repair a hole in the wall. Make him buy the necessary materials. Make him fix the wall.

I don't think they're excusing the behavior by saying it's normal. Yes it is normal but it's normal misbehavior and it's unacceptable. Just like it's normal for a baby to smear feces on themselves or put it in their mouths but that doesn't make it okay so you stop them. It's also normal for a two and three year old to throw a tantrum to get their way but that is still unacceptable and the parents just don't give in on them and they ignore it. Just like it's normal for babies to put anything in their mouths but that doesn't mean you should accept them putting things in their mouths they could choke on or swallow.

I'm not seeing that at all. I'm not going to read back over the replies, but I think only one person actually said it was normal teenage boy behavior.

even though a lot of us empathize with the situation, we aren't trying to excuse it, so don't assume acceptance that isn't there.

kid punched a hole in the wall. running around yelling "unacceptable! unacceptable!" doesn't do anything except make you look holy. it doesn't actually help mom at all. I'm sure she's not stupid and wants to help her son handle anger better. that was always my goal when my son would go off the deep end. I also had fears of what he would do in the future and my son needed a lot of help to channel his anger.

I think people have in general been empathetic and made some constructive suggestions for how to deal with it. I'd much rather come to a forum with that attitude than one that focuses on how messed up my son is and equates him to a criminal. I get enough of that out there.

Thank you, that's exactly it. Saying "that's unacceptable!" and not bothering to address the source of the anger makes me feel like you're being self-righteous. My reaction is "no sh*t it's unacceptable, don't treat me like I'm dumb and dismiss the causes". If you've never experienced such anger you really don't know what it's like. I think society is biased in that it lets people get away with a lot worse than punching holes in walls if only they perform their cruelty in a non-violent but coldly calculated manner. If bullies are causing him that kind of anger then something needs to be done about the bullying. Otherwise one day he might go off on someone who messes with him one too many times and end up in jail for life. The anguish and rage caused by bullying goes that deep. It can't just be ignored or treated in a smug manner.

I would be really careful about doing something like that. It can come back on you in a big way and you end up looking really bad. The school can hold you just as responsible as it does the bullies. Why tarnish your record because of them? That's how I always saw it. I wasn't going to be like them and I knew whatever I did would get me ten times the grief from the administration than what the bullies got for harassing me.
Maybe it's a good idea to call the school and tell them what problems your son is having there and demand to have them stopped?
Another option is homeschooling but that's not possible for everyone.
You should take constructive action against the bullying in school by confronting the administration about it. If it's causing problems at home I'd tell the school about it. Let them know the disruption and stress it's causing and see what they say.

I've done that before (punching a hole in the wall). Not sure how old I was. I don't get mad easily, but when I do it's not fun to experience.

One good thing to remember when dealing with a child with AS is to be calm and talk to them like adults. Threats and yelling aren't punishments, they are rage-inducing. I still can't forgive my grandfather (on dad's side) even after his death. He might have thought he was disciplining me, when all he was doing was making me hate him more and more.

in my experience school administrators and most teachers are useless. the only way my son got help in the system was by getting an IEP. now if an incident happens because of bullying, it is no longer laid at my son's feet, it gets assessed for cause. before the IEP, my son was labeled a troublemaker so when he freaked out over being picked on at school the school ALWAYS sided with the bullies and my son always got suspended.

I tried homeschooling for a while, just because it was better than expulsions, but it didn't really help my son or me since I couldn't support us financially as an unpaid teacher and I have social issues myself.

I punched a few holes in walls when I was a teenager, and did some other damage to household objects. It's a rare occurrence for me, but under enough stress or sensory overload, I melt down, and if frustrated, I lash out. Of course it's inappropriate, and I made amends. I was also almost hospitalized by my family after one particularly bad outburst when I was 15.

Obviously, not all people with AS do this. I'm not sure to what extent my AS is even a part of this. I could be a separate disorder (it's listed in the DSM, for what that's worth).

Also obviously, NTs do it too. An NT family member became very angry in school a few years back and punched a locker hard enough to break his wrist. The cast and loss of use of his dominant hand for over a month were deemed punishment enough.

First off, I don’t appreciate that exclamation points were added to my “unacceptable”. It makes it sound hysterical and panicky, which was not the way I meant it.

Secondly, I did offer advise to the mother;

“What's done is done though & I would not counter the anger with more anger. Today I would sit him down & explain to him why it was wrong, why that kind of behavior is unacceptable in a civilized world and what he can expect to have happen if it ever happens again. Work with him on, so you both agree how it should be handled in the future if it's really important that he does what you say. A five minute buffer, whatever. Something you can both live with. Then stick to it. Aspies understand rules, correct? : )”

Whether one poster or not seemed to think it was “normal” teenage boy behavior is debatable. Enough people chimed in to make it seem it was acceptable & the norm;

“Some Aspies have a rather powerful rage.”

“I punched holes in the wall all the time as a teenager. I still do at times.”

“While I'm overall a peaceful person, I'm not a very relaxed person, and have also put holes into walls; there's currently a hole in my sliding closet door, which I put tape on to avoid insects from getting inside.”

“I did that once too when my siblings decided to play a joke and lock me downstairs.My older sister ignored my hollerin, so I got mad and punched a hole in the wall.”

“I punched a hole in a door, I got to change it myself.”

“I kicked a hole in the bathroom wall when enraged while wearing only sandals. I also dented the drywall with my knuckles on at least one occasion, and also once threw a book through my bedroom window. Granted, it took a lot to enrage me to that extent, but yes, it's something I know well.”

“I've had my share of holes in the wall. My old house had at least 20, most of them from me.”

“i got so mad i went to my room and started to punch my door until there was a hole big enough to fit my head through.”

“What he did wasn't THAT violent. And HEY, he didn't touch YOU.”

“Do you realize how many teenagers punch holes in things? This is not uncommon behaviour. Sounds like an anger management issue.”

“I have slammed my bedroom door so many times during meltdowns, that it broke the wood frame.”

“I did that last month. I never did stop this, although it happens a lot less. I have a fresh supply of wall mesh and putty on stand by, as well as paint the colours of all my walls. It's an understatement to say "I can get angry at times".

“It may not be ideal, but it is far from unacceptable.”

“I've done it. I usually feel really stupid afterward though since the walls in my house are like hard as cement.(not like our new Chinese drywall.) Lucky to not break my hand.”

“I'd say it is an AS related thing. We have one HELL of a powerful rage on us when triggered. Not all of us are prone to those meltdowns, but a good proportion are.”

“I have:

- pounded a dent in a car door with my fist. Amazingly, I did not fracture my hand.

- smashed in my computer screen with my fist...I loved that computer otherwise. ”

“I put holes in walls when I was a teenager. I already knew it was unacceptable but I did it anyways. I often reached the point where I was so angry that I don't care about the consequences of my actions.”

Am I the only one that can see the pattern here?