What to do when someone doesn't like you?

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The rare times when I have the energy, I make jokes and self-effacing comments and try to find common ground somewhere, somehow. Most of all, I just make it very obvious that I want to be liked. That last one alone can often disarm people. It makes them feel important, I guess, because you care enough about what they think of you to try to get them to like you.

Frankly, it's exhausting, though. Just projecting 'please don't hate me, please don't hate me, I want you to like me' sucks the energy right out of me these days. I probably come off like the chipper grinner in the Progressive commercials, too. I've pretty well given up on trying to get anyone who doesn't like me to change his or her mind. To hell with them. I'd rather keep my dignity, such as it is.

1 and 2 are very good. Hope you don't mind adding 4 more to the list:


1. Be nice to people.
2. Try to be "friendly."
3. Project clear boundaries.
4. Avoid talking about anything important, at length, or in depth.
5. Try to have a sense of humor, and not take things too seriously.
6. Excuse yourself early on (preferably before they do).



As others have already pointed out, aspies/auties are very vulnerable. That's why it is proactive (and imperative) to project a clear image or boundary of what we will and will not tolerate from others. The establishment of a clear boundary may (partially or fully) antidote the social ineptitude, neurological differences, self esteem issues, organizational issues, and perceptual hyper-sensitivity at the root of our vulnerability. Draw a line in the sand. In my experience, this approach or strategy--- tends to defuse hostilities, before they have a chance to ignite and escalate. Aspies/auties need be extremely clear and firm in refusing to be doormatted, ever, no matter what the circumstances are.

I believe aspies/auties should be proactive in developing and implementing strategies that erect a wall of protection around us, mentally and emotionally. Remaining open to attack should not be seen as a viable option--- as it repeatedly exposes us to hostility/harm/sadism we would be better off avoiding or redirecting. Unfortunately, our natural inclination is to be unaware of the dynamic of ALLOWING our vulnerabilities to incapacitate us socially. Often, we will silently indicate through our body language and nonverbal cues---that we TACITLY AGREE to being bullied, abused, treated with arrogance and condescension, discriminated against, and seen as second class citizens. This is usually seeded on an unconscious level.

WE NEED TO BE TRAINED TO RECOGNIZE HOW WE PLAY INTO DANGEROUS RESPONSES FROM OTHERS, AND TO EMPLOY TACTICS THAT EFFECTIVELY BLOCK/DEFUSE SUCH BEHAVIOR.

If a person seems intent on doormatting us, and they are a co-worker, neighbor, store clerk, or professional and there is no choice but to engage them in conversation....one might keep communication clipped, business-like, to the point; and establish eye contact only long enough to indicate our boundaries remain firmly in place, we're not giving an inch. Of course if they are a sociopath, one may have to implement more drastic measures such as obtaining a Restraining Order, or permanently leaving the territory where they prey on vulnerable people.

If it's a case of ordinary dislike and/or ostracism, we may try to roll with the punches, have a duck back and humor them. Just because they dislike us---it isn't forcing us to reciprocate the harsh energies coming our way. With the exception of sociopaths and narcissists (as well as others who prey on innocents), who deserve to be shunned, it seems preferable to send all people positive or neutral energy, regardless of the way we are treated.

I can usually tell if they start ignoring me. I don't attempt to reconnect with them because i get this feeling that they think i'm spooky or something. When you think you're spooky, the only thing you can do is stay away altogether.

This is exactly what happens to me

Usually people with big egos don't like me (and the feeling is mutual). They're looking for people to tell them how awesome they are, and it's just not my way to pander to anyone like that. And generally they end up gathering a little cohort of friends - who then all start treating me badly, because I'm not one of them. It's really pretty sad.

Craziest part is I never say anything impolite, to anyone. I simply fail to gush shamelessly at the "cool" people. So anyway, if someone doesn't like me, and is playing this sort of pathetic social status game... Meh, I don't care.

Ditto this

Good for you. This kind of thick skin is what i definitely need...

What do I do?

Don't care that's what. Their loss.

Yeah. If somebody doesn't like me, I stay away from them and they stay away from me--that way neither of us can bug the other too much. It might not even be their fault; I might be rubbing them the wrong way for little or no reason. Why annoy them if I don't have to?

Unless we're talking active malevolence, seeking me out, trying to cause me distress. In that case, the claws come out. If I can't avoid a fight, I prefer to end it as quickly and decisively as possible--and I don't obey unwritten rules of schoolyard scuffles or polite social warfare when I do.

I usually try to be nice to everyone however there are those few that just dont like me and sometimes i get a bad habit on dwelling on the fact that those people dont like me but my solution to that is avoid them at all costs.

So true. Also I can't tell who the heck the cool people are to begin with...

Had this one chick who seemingly took an instant dislike to me. She was abrupt and rather rude after I said Hello. When she turned and walked away, I said Hello to the other people at the gathering and then went inside to the restroom. In the mirror I discovered a frightening sight -- me! lol My hair was matted down from my helmet, my eyes looked tired and puffy, and my face looked like it could have used some sleep too. But since I'd stayed up late to finish a project and then had awoken early to ride my motorcycle two hours to the gathering place, I really didn't see why she was so put out.

Later online she accused me of not knowing the person for whom we had gathered. In reply I had to point out that not only did I know that person, but she (the accuser) was using as an avatar the photo I had taken of that person during a group ride. lol

Man, did that chick do her utmost to cut me down online.

I think I can usually tell when someone doesn't like me. I try to avoid them so they can avoid me more easily and I don't bother them that much. I'm nice to them if I have to talk with them because that can make our interactions more pleasant and it might soften their opinion of me. I'd never trust someone who I didn't think liked me, though.