I always want to be alone

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im not into the superficial sort of socializing. i wish i could have my few close close friends, and i wish they would be as loyal to me as i am with them. unfortunately they like socializing like normal people. :/. also, i would like more friends that close to me, but unfortunately yo have to do the boring stuff to find the right people.

I like socializing when its one or two close friends, if its a group thing then it gets exponentially harder. Sometimes I can manage it, other times I can't and have to bow out early, make some excuse. I'm trying to work on that. Also, sometimes I feel like being social and other times, I want to be a hermit.

Lately I'm leaning more towards wanting that only because I've been trying to push myself to be more social, and it does get stressful. But I need my "me" time. Problem is, when you do try to be more social, people begin to expect more of you, and that's where the trouble starts.

You hate socializing but you and despite hating when 'others give attention' to you:

Joined WP
Started a thread

AND

asked if anyone else here is 'the same' (what do you care?)


Would you claim that you don't eat if you bought all of your groceries on the internet and had them delivered to your home, whilst hiding in the cupboard to ensure no human contact?

i love socializing though its hard. i love it cause i see other people socializing and they are really happy about it.

I've also always felt that I do better on my own. On projects, I prefer working alone, which got me in trouble when I went to college and took subjects I was crap at (math). Not wanting to ask anyone for help, I flunk the subjects instead, and left for university hoping I could be more independent there instead, and that the subjects would be more suited for me.

Also, I am hopeless at keeping in touch with people. Like many others here, I am poor at small talk, and have often not seen the point in it at all. I have one friend who has been angry with me for not keeping in touch, and I have realized that for me, it is impossible to keep in touch with others on a day-to-day basis or even a weekly basis. The best time I have, is often the time I spend alone, immersed in something interesting and meaningful. I have always hated simply "hanging out", considering it a waste of time. I do know, though, that with no socialization whatsoever, I would suffer.

I've went through phases like that where i'd just be by myself with just my dog for the longest times. I didn't mind at all. My shrink would say i was "isolating"..whatever.
Now it's just me and my wife, who is the only other human i let inside my head or near me all the time.
I'm not a "group" person, i'd rather do tasks alone. Groups get too messy anyway.
Long wolf operation here.

I struggle with this all the time. I've never lived on my own, except in college. But lived in off-campus dorm, so that really doesn't count.

As happy and free as I was, I had this internal drive that I needed someone in my life.

I met my wife in college and she helped turn my life around. I went from Cs and Ds to straight As in a semester. I would not be where I am today if it were not for her and her family. But every milestone or decission in our life (homes, children, travels, restaurant pick) has been because she suggested or initiated it.

But our entire relationship has been a struggle. I have thought about leaving (or had hopes she would kick me out) several times in our life. There's been my inability to talk to my abusive family, flirting with a co-worker, Internet addiction stuff and more. But each time we come to that crossroad, I convince both of us that we have not explored every avenue to make things work. The fact is, I'm scared to be on my own (how does one make decissions, make weekend plans)? scared that I'll end up all alone (and be wanting companionship) and now I'm scared that I would not be allowed a part of my daughters' lives.

But all I long for is to be alone. To not have anyone to answer to. To be able to "be me" and not this adult I've had to become. But I'm scared this is the wrong decission nor do I want to be the bad guy to her, the kids or her friends and family. Nobody but she knows we're having such ongoing relationship problems.

I say that I want to learn how to be connected to her (and our kids (and to some extent that's true)). But all I can think of is a dark, quiet place (with or without a quiet roomate) with sci-fi, video games, Internet any time of day or night.

I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my money and I want to do the right thing by her and our kids, but I feel so disconnected, so frustrated, so overwhelmed and want solace and to focus solely on me and my interests. I feel like such a flawed individual for feeling this way.

I can understand this i think, because i feel the same way...