I don't let it define me, though my probable AS does heavily influence who I am. , and the course of my life. There are very few people I discuss my (strong) AS suspicions with. At my job, I endeavor to act as NT as I'm capable of acting, but I'm definitely not 100% successful at this. I work as a "floater teacher," at a preschool, providing coverages to the teachers there, filling in for teachers who are out, and providing breaks and prep time to teachers when no teachers are out. Presently, I am filling in in a classroom where there's a vacancy, as they continue to interview for a teacher to take that classroom. I'm already working there, all my credentials in order, but the higher-ups don't even seem to have considered giving *me* that position. When I first started working at this school, last Spring, one of the teaching assistants who had been working there a long time told me that I should have my own classroom by Fall, because they were opening up new classrooms. She said that they generally promote from within before looking to the outside, and since I have all my credentials, she expected that I should have my own classroom. It's December, and I'm still a floater. There were three teacher vacancies this past Fall. Two have been filled by people from the outside, people they have less knowledge of than me. At present, there is one vacancy, and they are still interviewing to fill it. There has been no talk of me filling any of those vacant positions, even though the children and staff already know me and the children at least seem to really like me. I also have all my credentials, I've never once been out or late, and I always put forth my best effort in teaching the children, and trying to be a team player. Clearly, those in charge of the hiring have noticed that *something* is different about me, because if they hadn't, I'd have my own classroom by now. I just seem to fall below the radar of virtually all the adults I work with.
Throughout the entire course of my adult life so far, I've noticed that I don't seem to command much in the way of respect, certainly not from other adults. Based on the way I'm treated I get the sense that the people I work with know something is off about me, even if they can't quite put their finger on it, and they generally see me as being less capable than other people. It can be quite frustrating, especially since I constantly strive to be the best I can be, and it's never enough.
Okay, this has turned into something of a rant. My point is; I make every effort not to let me probable AS define me. However, even though I haven't disclosed my suspicions to anyone other than the people closest to me (and no one I work with), and I really try to pass for NT, people still seem to view me as "different," and they treat me accordingly.
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"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad./ The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
09 Dec 2009, 1:07 pm
