Why are special intrests such a bad thing?
passionatebach
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Joined: 8 Nov 2009
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 447
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa
22 Mar 2010, 10:35 pm
I often fight with my family about discussion of my special interests. At one point it caught the negative attention of my boss, when I had a picture related to me special interest on the desktop of my computer. It was in many ways also the death knell to a 25 year friendship.
I have had a interest in the flood that devistated my community two years ago. I had been very active in local politics, volunteerism, and a number of activities related to the rebuilding and recovery. Quite specifically, I follow the flood recovery efforts of the community of Palo, Iowa, in which I spearheaded many of the efforts in that community.
Having an interest in the flood is not uncommon unto itself. 1/4 of Cedar Rapids was impacted and it still is the subject of many conversations. The problem lies in the intensity that which I want to be involved and talk about things. A long time friendship is basically over because I got over involved in my friend's community (he was the mayor) and I made a number of people uncomfortable, including his wife with my overzealouness about helping his community (this was also due to the fact that I did not live in that community). Tranversely, I came up with a lot of suggestions that had never been tried before that were considered innovative and have been picked up by other communities dealing with similar disasters. My parents and sibilings have expressed to me numerous times, that they are tired of hearing, especially when flood conversation comes up in news, about "what we did in Palo". They are also tired of hearing about my problems that I have been having with my friend.
I do agree, if channeled properly a special interest can be a gift to assist people, provide recognition and opportunities.
elderwanda
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Joined: 17 Nov 2008
Age: 59
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Posts: 1,534
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
22 Mar 2010, 11:05 pm
I can understand why you get frustrated with your son, because my mom and best friend sometimes get annoyed with me. They sometimes feel that I only care about my interests, and being both sensitive people, they sometimes get hurt and think that I don't care about what's going on in their lives (since I never ask). It's not that at all. I just get absorbed in my own little world. But keep in mind that your son has a very strong NEED to ramble on about his special interests. And he most likely doesn't care much if you're paying close attention. As long as my mother and best friend acknowledge what I'm saying somewhat, I'm happy. I know they aren't particularly interested in the details of my special interests, but I NEED to get them out and tell others about their wonder. So, it's equally annoying and frustrating if the Aspie is blocked from giving monologues. So, what you maybe could do is give your son half-an-hour or so each day where he is allowed to talk to you nonstop. And maybe he could find a "Doctor Who" forum online to join during the times you're doing other things and are too busy to talk. Be very clear with him which activities (paying bills, watching TV shows of your own, etc.) are "off-limit" times for him to ramble, but also let him know that you are interested in hearing his thoughts at designated times. The most hurtful thing for an Aspie is being cut off during a monologue.
-OddDuckNash99-
Good suggestions. I get really upset when ppl do that to me, cut me off, especially if they're nasty about it. I'm older (40s) so I try to limit the rambling to online forums and ppl who share my interests, but that wasn't something easy to do when I was younger.
~Kate
His bedtime ritual involves him talking about his special interest while he's lying in bed. I sit close, and listen. It goes on as long as he needs, pretty much. He's always had that. Unfortunately, it causes problems for his brother, who is there in the room and can't fall asleep with all the talking. Our entire family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation, mostly because our AS son never stops talking. My husband made a costly error on some health insurance paperwork because our son was talking to him about special interests while he (my husband) was trying to concentrate on filling out the paperwork.
I understand that my son has the need to talk about his special interest. For the most part, I allow him to continue. But I also have a need to be alone with my own thoughts once in a while, and not be talked at.
23 Mar 2010, 3:19 am
Some special interests are cool, some are not.
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23 Mar 2010, 3:25 am
I can understand why you get frustrated with your son, because my mom and best friend sometimes get annoyed with me. They sometimes feel that I only care about my interests, and being both sensitive people, they sometimes get hurt and think that I don't care about what's going on in their lives (since I never ask). It's not that at all. I just get absorbed in my own little world. But keep in mind that your son has a very strong NEED to ramble on about his special interests. And he most likely doesn't care much if you're paying close attention. As long as my mother and best friend acknowledge what I'm saying somewhat, I'm happy. I know they aren't particularly interested in the details of my special interests, but I NEED to get them out and tell others about their wonder. So, it's equally annoying and frustrating if the Aspie is blocked from giving monologues. So, what you maybe could do is give your son half-an-hour or so each day where he is allowed to talk to you nonstop. And maybe he could find a "Doctor Who" forum online to join during the times you're doing other things and are too busy to talk. Be very clear with him which activities (paying bills, watching TV shows of your own, etc.) are "off-limit" times for him to ramble, but also let him know that you are interested in hearing his thoughts at designated times. The most hurtful thing for an Aspie is being cut off during a monologue.
-OddDuckNash99-
Good suggestions. I get really upset when ppl do that to me, cut me off, especially if they're nasty about it. I'm older (40s) so I try to limit the rambling to online forums and ppl who share my interests, but that wasn't something easy to do when I was younger.
~Kate
His bedtime ritual involves him talking about his special interest while he's lying in bed. I sit close, and listen. It goes on as long as he needs, pretty much. He's always had that. Unfortunately, it causes problems for his brother, who is there in the room and can't fall asleep with all the talking. Our entire family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation, mostly because our AS son never stops talking. My husband made a costly error on some health insurance paperwork because our son was talking to him about special interests while he (my husband) was trying to concentrate on filling out the paperwork.
I understand that my son has the need to talk about his special interest. For the most part, I allow him to continue. But I also have a need to be alone with my own thoughts once in a while, and not be talked at.
I understand where both you and your child are coming from.
I actually feel bad for your kid though, as the reason he tells you all about it is because really no one else will listen.
Also, it might not just be letting him talk...but showing him you're actually paying attention to what he's saying. It might help him appreciate it more, and when you tell him you need time to do other things, he may understand.
CockneyRebel
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Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 51
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Posts: 121,239
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23 Mar 2010, 4:00 am
I can understand why you get frustrated with your son, because my mom and best friend sometimes get annoyed with me. They sometimes feel that I only care about my interests, and being both sensitive people, they sometimes get hurt and think that I don't care about what's going on in their lives (since I never ask). It's not that at all. I just get absorbed in my own little world. But keep in mind that your son has a very strong NEED to ramble on about his special interests. And he most likely doesn't care much if you're paying close attention. As long as my mother and best friend acknowledge what I'm saying somewhat, I'm happy. I know they aren't particularly interested in the details of my special interests, but I NEED to get them out and tell others about their wonder. So, it's equally annoying and frustrating if the Aspie is blocked from giving monologues. So, what you maybe could do is give your son half-an-hour or so each day where he is allowed to talk to you nonstop. And maybe he could find a "Doctor Who" forum online to join during the times you're doing other things and are too busy to talk. Be very clear with him which activities (paying bills, watching TV shows of your own, etc.) are "off-limit" times for him to ramble, but also let him know that you are interested in hearing his thoughts at designated times. The most hurtful thing for an Aspie is being cut off during a monologue.
-OddDuckNash99-
Good suggestions. I get really upset when ppl do that to me, cut me off, especially if they're nasty about it. I'm older (40s) so I try to limit the rambling to online forums and ppl who share my interests, but that wasn't something easy to do when I was younger.
~Kate
His bedtime ritual involves him talking about his special interest while he's lying in bed. I sit close, and listen. It goes on as long as he needs, pretty much. He's always had that. Unfortunately, it causes problems for his brother, who is there in the room and can't fall asleep with all the talking. Our entire family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation, mostly because our AS son never stops talking. My husband made a costly error on some health insurance paperwork because our son was talking to him about special interests while he (my husband) was trying to concentrate on filling out the paperwork.
I understand that my son has the need to talk about his special interest. For the most part, I allow him to continue. But I also have a need to be alone with my own thoughts once in a while, and not be talked at.
I understand where both you and your child are coming from.
I actually feel bad for your kid though, as the reason he tells you all about it is because really no one else will listen.
Also, it might not just be letting him talk...but showing him you're actually paying attention to what he's saying. It might help him appreciate it more, and when you tell him you need time to do other things, he may understand.
Talking about it to different people helps so that no one will ever grow board because you are not talking about it to the same people. I know how hard it is to quit so that's why I started avoiding people in my teens because they were boring. Now I have a habit to not talk about mine and prefer to keep them to myself. I have about one friend who I talk about it with and my husband. But it got easier to not talk about them.
As a child I wasn't allowed to talk about mine because my mom didn't want to hear it. My mom would tell me she didn't want to hear it. Yelling worked. I hated being yelled at so it shut me up.
23 Mar 2010, 10:55 am
I believe it's about moderation and refraining from being absorbed by it.
Yes it's about the way the special interests can be difficult to regulate, at least for me. I'm extremely lucky that my biggest special interest is music, because there's at least a result that "normal" people can admire. There's nothing wrong with the interest itself, just that the rest of my life can go out of the window while I'm focussing on the interest. I can usually tear myself away, but it hurts.
elderwanda
Veteran
Joined: 17 Nov 2008
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,534
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
23 Mar 2010, 11:08 am
I can understand why you get frustrated with your son, because my mom and best friend sometimes get annoyed with me. They sometimes feel that I only care about my interests, and being both sensitive people, they sometimes get hurt and think that I don't care about what's going on in their lives (since I never ask). It's not that at all. I just get absorbed in my own little world. But keep in mind that your son has a very strong NEED to ramble on about his special interests. And he most likely doesn't care much if you're paying close attention. As long as my mother and best friend acknowledge what I'm saying somewhat, I'm happy. I know they aren't particularly interested in the details of my special interests, but I NEED to get them out and tell others about their wonder. So, it's equally annoying and frustrating if the Aspie is blocked from giving monologues. So, what you maybe could do is give your son half-an-hour or so each day where he is allowed to talk to you nonstop. And maybe he could find a "Doctor Who" forum online to join during the times you're doing other things and are too busy to talk. Be very clear with him which activities (paying bills, watching TV shows of your own, etc.) are "off-limit" times for him to ramble, but also let him know that you are interested in hearing his thoughts at designated times. The most hurtful thing for an Aspie is being cut off during a monologue.
-OddDuckNash99-
Good suggestions. I get really upset when ppl do that to me, cut me off, especially if they're nasty about it. I'm older (40s) so I try to limit the rambling to online forums and ppl who share my interests, but that wasn't something easy to do when I was younger.
~Kate
His bedtime ritual involves him talking about his special interest while he's lying in bed. I sit close, and listen. It goes on as long as he needs, pretty much. He's always had that. Unfortunately, it causes problems for his brother, who is there in the room and can't fall asleep with all the talking. Our entire family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation, mostly because our AS son never stops talking. My husband made a costly error on some health insurance paperwork because our son was talking to him about special interests while he (my husband) was trying to concentrate on filling out the paperwork.
I understand that my son has the need to talk about his special interest. For the most part, I allow him to continue. But I also have a need to be alone with my own thoughts once in a while, and not be talked at.
I understand where both you and your child are coming from.
I actually feel bad for your kid though, as the reason he tells you all about it is because really no one else will listen.
Also, it might not just be letting him talk...but showing him you're actually paying attention to what he's saying. It might help him appreciate it more, and when you tell him you need time to do other things, he may understand.
Who said he doesn't talk to anyone else or that I don't listen when he talks to me? He talks to his brother, his dad, and kids at school. I listen when he talks to me, unless it's necessary for me to be doing something else. I'm done with this thread, though, so don't answer if you don't want to. I simply feel like I need to defend myself against accusations that I don't pay attention to my kid when he talks to me.
passionatebach
Velociraptor
Joined: 8 Nov 2009
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 447
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa
23 Mar 2010, 12:29 pm
My best friend whom has AS has a special interest in the emergency services (police, fire, EMT). He has a portable police scanner that he carries with him everywhere. He once had a meltdown with me when I told him that he couldn't carry his police scanner in the auditorium when we went to see President Bush a number of years ago.e was afraid that he would miss something, I let him know that the secret service and the police would allow it. I understand him, but it is a little embrassing when he carries it with him everywhere including while shopping and eating. He also likes to be the first to know when an emergency situation happens, and has been known to drive to the scene. I have warned him of the danger of many of these situations. I am afraid to see him get arrested or worse by him going to these scenes.
jojobean
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Gender: Female
Posts: 3,341
Location: In Georgia sipping a virgin pina' colada while the rest of the world is drunk
23 Mar 2010, 1:31 pm
Meercats....what are meercats..plz tell me?
my special intrest is fiber art which is coiled basketry, needlefelting, knitting, learning to spin fibers in to yarn...and anything involving fibers including fiber sculpture. I dont like crochet though...confusing. I usually dont get the usual...go away about fiber art that you would about meercats, or the kinks. People just tells me...thats nice and keep going. My other special interest is poetry...which I am working on getting published in some journals. I usually like artsy fartsy special interest because it is what I do well and make me feel like I can do something. My other interest or part time interest is self sustainability and permaculture...which gets complicated.
I dont think special interests are bad at all. They give us oppertunities to dive into a subject so deeply that we are experts in it. However, I do think that you should go to school...study animal biology...get a degree and work as a meercat specialist...biologist, conservationist or behaviorist. But you should make your passion bring you a living and an adventure. Plus you can work with other people with the same passion.
_________________
All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
-James Baldwin
23 Mar 2010, 2:00 pm
I can understand why you get frustrated with your son, because my mom and best friend sometimes get annoyed with me. They sometimes feel that I only care about my interests, and being both sensitive people, they sometimes get hurt and think that I don't care about what's going on in their lives (since I never ask). It's not that at all. I just get absorbed in my own little world. But keep in mind that your son has a very strong NEED to ramble on about his special interests. And he most likely doesn't care much if you're paying close attention. As long as my mother and best friend acknowledge what I'm saying somewhat, I'm happy. I know they aren't particularly interested in the details of my special interests, but I NEED to get them out and tell others about their wonder. So, it's equally annoying and frustrating if the Aspie is blocked from giving monologues. So, what you maybe could do is give your son half-an-hour or so each day where he is allowed to talk to you nonstop. And maybe he could find a "Doctor Who" forum online to join during the times you're doing other things and are too busy to talk. Be very clear with him which activities (paying bills, watching TV shows of your own, etc.) are "off-limit" times for him to ramble, but also let him know that you are interested in hearing his thoughts at designated times. The most hurtful thing for an Aspie is being cut off during a monologue.
-OddDuckNash99-
Good suggestions. I get really upset when ppl do that to me, cut me off, especially if they're nasty about it. I'm older (40s) so I try to limit the rambling to online forums and ppl who share my interests, but that wasn't something easy to do when I was younger.
~Kate
His bedtime ritual involves him talking about his special interest while he's lying in bed. I sit close, and listen. It goes on as long as he needs, pretty much. He's always had that. Unfortunately, it causes problems for his brother, who is there in the room and can't fall asleep with all the talking. Our entire family is suffering from chronic sleep deprivation, mostly because our AS son never stops talking. My husband made a costly error on some health insurance paperwork because our son was talking to him about special interests while he (my husband) was trying to concentrate on filling out the paperwork.
I understand that my son has the need to talk about his special interest. For the most part, I allow him to continue. But I also have a need to be alone with my own thoughts once in a while, and not be talked at.
I understand where both you and your child are coming from.
I actually feel bad for your kid though, as the reason he tells you all about it is because really no one else will listen.
Also, it might not just be letting him talk...but showing him you're actually paying attention to what he's saying. It might help him appreciate it more, and when you tell him you need time to do other things, he may understand.
Who said he doesn't talk to anyone else or that I don't listen when he talks to me? He talks to his brother, his dad, and kids at school. I listen when he talks to me, unless it's necessary for me to be doing something else. I'm done with this thread, though, so don't answer if you don't want to. I simply feel like I need to defend myself against accusations that I don't pay attention to my kid when he talks to me.
I didn't mean to imply anything; I was trying to relate it to my own situation as best as I could so I could offer some hopefully helpful advice...guess it didn't work this time; sorry about that.
23 Mar 2010, 4:10 pm
The thing is that NTs certainly have obsessions and "special interests" as well, they're just different than the ones that Aspies have. I live in a town where (American) football is a religion to many people. They talk about it constantly, even in the off-season, and deck themselves out from head to toe in team regalia. Some people even have the team's logo tattooed on themselves. I know people who turn off all phones and computers in the house during games, so as not to miss anything. Personally, I don't think being obsessed with meerkats or 1960's mod culture is any wierder than that. I have a co-worker who talks non-stop, all day long, about her family and friends. She shares all sorts of details, some of which are really none of anyone's business, and will ramble on whether anyone is paying any attention or not. She also has an all-consuming hobby which none of us share, and she talks about that ad nauseam as well. This woman is most assuredly not ASD; in fact she's pretty much NT with a vengeance. (Looks you straight in the eye, gets in your personal space, and talks about you behind your back - you know the type.) So why is being obsessed with meerkats or '60s British rock or dead languages (one of my special interests) any wierder than being obsessed with reality TV, sports, or the love lives of celebrities? Why is it considered acceptable to ramble on about your family problems when no one is really paying attention, but to expend the same amount of verbiage on mathematics is considered odd? This is the real question, and one I've been pondering since I was a little kid obsessed with Star Trek, robots, and Gustav Mahler.
23 Mar 2010, 10:43 pm
I think my grandma once said it best, in relation to baseball: "well Russell, everyone likes baseball!"
Basically, special interests are perfectly fine if they're common enough that others share them; the minute you actually become unique...then yer weird.
23 Mar 2010, 11:25 pm
tonmeister said:
"I have a co-worker who talks non-stop, all day long, about her family and friends. She shares all sorts of details, some of which are really none of anyone's business, and will ramble on whether anyone is paying any attention or not. She also has an all-consuming hobby which none of us share, and she talks about that ad nauseam as well. This woman is most assuredly not ASD; in fact she's pretty much NT with a vengeance. (Looks you straight in the eye, gets in your personal space, and talks about you behind your back - you know the type.) So why is being obsessed with meerkats or '60s British rock or dead languages (one of my special interests) any wierder than being obsessed with reality TV, sports, or the love lives of celebrities?"
tonmeister, that's a really good question! I always assumed that what made NT obsessions different was the way they talked about them, i.e. when they ramble, they make sure other people are listening, and they leave space for other people to express enthusiasm about it, too. I figured it wasn't just about the "normalcy" of the interest, because geeks with weird interests or "goths" with their really involved subculture can also be NT.
Your coworker doesn't sound like a typical NT to me. She sounds like she has pretty terrible social skills, even though she doesn't have AS. So, I dunno how much we can generalize from her to your typical football or celebrity fan.
