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Katatonic
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07 Jul 2010, 11:17 pm

I only feel dead inside when I'm not sitting in my room away from the rest of society. My room is the only place I can feel "whole" if you want to call it that.


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katzefrau
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08 Jul 2010, 12:46 am

Valoyossa wrote:
marshall wrote:
I feel like I'm not wholly engrossed in the world and the people around me like other people are.

It's like an existential WTF kind of feeling that I've had ever since I was 15 or so. It took me that long to realize how strange it is that I exist at all, or that anything exists really. The world is always kind of fuzzy/hazy, like a dream I might wake up from some day. Nothing is ever totally solid or makes total sense any more. It's that odd dreamlike feeling that seems to dampen any positive emotion I experience. It's like the feeling is there but not quite. I have to be intensely focused on something before I can distract myself from this feeling.


Exact.


yes. alive inside, but no lifeline to the outside world. like i'm a character in a video game.


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DerKodeMeister
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09 Jul 2010, 1:10 am

marshall wrote:
I feel like I'm not wholly engrossed in the world and the people around me like other people are.

It's like an existential WTF kind of feeling that I've had ever since I was 15 or so. It took me that long to realize how strange it is that I exist at all, or that anything exists really. The world is always kind of fuzzy/hazy, like a dream I might wake up from some day. Nothing is ever totally solid or makes total sense any more. It's that odd dreamlike feeling that seems to dampen any positive emotion I experience. It's like the feeling is there but not quite. I have to be intensely focused on something before I can distract myself from this feeling.

I can sort-of remember getting up before my parents were up when I was 6 or 7 years old and waking out of sleep. I remember how solid and bright things felt then. It felt like my family, my bedroom, my toys, etc... all those aspects of my surroundings would be there for me indefinitely. I couldn't think far enough to notice how strange life really is.


I go through these thoughts/feelings very often as well, almost exactly as you describe them.


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alexptrans
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09 Jul 2010, 3:45 am

MotownDangerPants wrote:
I feel like I've already lived my entire life AND the lives of many different people inside of my own mind.


Wow, that's exactly how I feel from time to time.

However, I do not feel dead inside - for me, there is a lot of comfort to be found in the world of nature. Just watching birds interact with each other on my porch is hugely satisfying. Or a lizard getting a sun bath. Or finding a tortoise in the field near my place and following it for a while to see what it does. These things fill me with an immense sense of joy and wonder - maybe that's the feeling NTs get when they interact with other people? I don't know.



ShadesOfMe
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09 Jul 2010, 4:15 am

are you perchance on risperdal? That's how it made me feel. I had no emotions.



Kiseki
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09 Jul 2010, 4:26 am

I don't feel dead, but sometimes I look in the mirror and can't believe this is the body I am living in. I used to get this feeling as a kid and it would scare me so bad I had to sit down on the bed. It's almost like I'm in my mind so much I forget there is a physical part of me!



Rakshasa72
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09 Jul 2010, 4:33 am

Like a sine wave I just feel slightly out of phase with everyone else.



Exclavius
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09 Jul 2010, 7:42 am

Kiseki wrote:
I don't feel dead, but sometimes I look in the mirror and can't believe this is the body I am living in. I used to get this feeling as a kid and it would scare me so bad I had to sit down on the bed. It's almost like I'm in my mind so much I forget there is a physical part of me!


I can certainly identify with that comment.
I don't know... but I think sometimes in those moments, i WISH that there was just a mental part... but, then I come back to reality... And am glad there is at least a physical shadow here.



marshall
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09 Jul 2010, 10:33 am

DerKodeMeister wrote:
marshall wrote:
I feel like I'm not wholly engrossed in the world and the people around me like other people are.

It's like an existential WTF kind of feeling that I've had ever since I was 15 or so. It took me that long to realize how strange it is that I exist at all, or that anything exists really. The world is always kind of fuzzy/hazy, like a dream I might wake up from some day. Nothing is ever totally solid or makes total sense any more. It's that odd dreamlike feeling that seems to dampen any positive emotion I experience. It's like the feeling is there but not quite. I have to be intensely focused on something before I can distract myself from this feeling.

I can sort-of remember getting up before my parents were up when I was 6 or 7 years old and waking out of sleep. I remember how solid and bright things felt then. It felt like my family, my bedroom, my toys, etc... all those aspects of my surroundings would be there for me indefinitely. I couldn't think far enough to notice how strange life really is.


I go through these thoughts/feelings very often as well, almost exactly as you describe them.


It's nice to know I'm not alone. In the past I've always had this perception that other people are like robots.... always busy, busy, busy with their lives, their friends, their families, their television shows, thier social occasions, their kids clubs. Like nobody else ever questions their very existence. They're too "in tune" with the rythm of life and other people to feel that way. I visit my uncle's family and feel this way about them... people from my own family.

It's hard because I always see other people as all being the same. It's a sad curse to see the world this way. Where I feel like I need to wear a mask just to be around other people. The world is just too unreal to me, and sometimes the bleakness is hard to bear. I wish I had less time to think... but the world never engages me enough. Nothing's ever enough for me. I'm always somewhat empty and just drifting along in my mind.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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09 Jul 2010, 11:07 am

Exclavius wrote:
Kiseki wrote:
I don't feel dead, but sometimes I look in the mirror and can't believe this is the body I am living in. I used to get this feeling as a kid and it would scare me so bad I had to sit down on the bed. It's almost like I'm in my mind so much I forget there is a physical part of me!


I can certainly identify with that comment.
I don't know... but I think sometimes in those moments, i WISH that there was just a mental part... but, then I come back to reality... And am glad there is at least a physical shadow here.


I used to do this all the time as a kid. I would just lay there on my bed and eventually I would stop feeling my body at all. It was always very comforting and coming out of it was disorienting.


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09 Jul 2010, 1:03 pm

Yes, in some ways as, of a great many unpleasant things which have happened resulted in me being more aloof & distant unto others even people here on WP.Though I try to remain human and not let my internal demons cause me to inadvertently hurting someone from a mental or emotional standpoint that is.. There have been people in my life whom thought I could or did not laugh sense, I did not tell jokes or outright laugh at other people's sense of humor yet, I can laugh and find humor in the world just, that I may not act or react in the manner one is expecting..Lastly, I look deep down inside myself to always find the serenity to enjoy each & everyday..



DerKodeMeister
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09 Jul 2010, 2:10 pm

marshall wrote:
DerKodeMeister wrote:
marshall wrote:
I feel like I'm not wholly engrossed in the world and the people around me like other people are.

It's like an existential WTF kind of feeling that I've had ever since I was 15 or so. It took me that long to realize how strange it is that I exist at all, or that anything exists really. The world is always kind of fuzzy/hazy, like a dream I might wake up from some day. Nothing is ever totally solid or makes total sense any more. It's that odd dreamlike feeling that seems to dampen any positive emotion I experience. It's like the feeling is there but not quite. I have to be intensely focused on something before I can distract myself from this feeling.

I can sort-of remember getting up before my parents were up when I was 6 or 7 years old and waking out of sleep. I remember how solid and bright things felt then. It felt like my family, my bedroom, my toys, etc... all those aspects of my surroundings would be there for me indefinitely. I couldn't think far enough to notice how strange life really is.


I go through these thoughts/feelings very often as well, almost exactly as you describe them.


It's nice to know I'm not alone. In the past I've always had this perception that other people are like robots.... always busy, busy, busy with their lives, their friends, their families, their television shows, thier social occasions, their kids clubs. Like nobody else ever questions their very existence. They're too "in tune" with the rythm of life and other people to feel that way. I visit my uncle's family and feel this way about them... people from my own family.

It's hard because I always see other people as all being the same. It's a sad curse to see the world this way. Where I feel like I need to wear a mask just to be around other people. The world is just too unreal to me, and sometimes the bleakness is hard to bear. I wish I had less time to think... but the world never engages me enough. Nothing's ever enough for me. I'm always somewhat empty and just drifting along in my mind.


Even when I am engaged in the world, my mind is usually racing, thinking, analyzing etc. I can recognize things that I think are beautiful and people that I find interesting, but there's just a noticeable stroke of oddness or strangeness to it all. Like you said, just being alive at all or existing through our individual consciousness sometimes seems very strange and odd. It raised a lot of questions I had when I was little that no one seemed to be able to explain, although I think the current research in neuroscience will provide some conclusive answers (pertaining to consciousness).

I often feel alien to the world even when I'm with my friends, in a way I can best describe like this: have you ever edited a photo, where you can use a tool to make one selected area very clear and have the rest of the image completely blurred out? That's how I often think about things when I'm out in public or meeting strangers; if familiar people are there, then the spot where we are seems very clear to me, but everyone else tends to just appear as if I was in a non-lucid dream; faceless and hazy (which is hard to say, because I know they aren't faceless or hazy; my senses can recognize that, but my mind makes me think that way.)

Strangers sometimes will come up and talk to one of my friends or me and I am just kind of taken aback by it, and I begin to feel extremely anxious and awkward, even though I can usually ignore it and hold a standard conversation. Sometimes my brain even jumps perspective on every day social situations and makes me "see" what's going on as being very strange and awkward. Some people describe me as appearing "hazy" now and then, just moments where I look spacey or whatever. I can function, and act and work just as usual as anyone, I just think that my brain likes to assess situations by jumping between any perspective I can imagine, both real and theoretical (hypothetical?) ones. When I think about things from a made-up point of view, things begin to seem kind of odd, and through that I can sometimes point out small details or come up with an idea for solving a problem before anyone else sees them or thinks of them. It's hard to describe, but it's almost like an internal, thought-based synesthesia; theoretical things and ideas just seem to "stand out" to me more. I wish I could understand it better, perhaps I need to do some serious reading on neuroscience.

Sorry for such a long post.


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MotownDangerPants
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09 Jul 2010, 4:22 pm

DerKodeMeister wrote:
I often feel alien to the world even when I'm with my friends, in a way I can best describe like this: have you ever edited a photo, where you can use a tool to make one selected area very clear and have the rest of the image completely blurred out? That's how I often think about things when I'm out in public or meeting strangers; if familiar people are there, then the spot where we are seems very clear to me, but everyone else tends to just appear as if I was in a non-lucid dream; faceless and hazy (which is hard to say, because I know they aren't faceless or hazy; my senses can recognize that, but my mind makes me think that way.) .


This is EXACTLY how I feel and exactly how I've always felt when i'm not altered by medication in anyway and in my natural state. THIS is what I always called "it" before I knew anything about AS. I just knew something was different. Can I ask you, do you think this could be anything OTHER than AS? I want to ask you because you described it so perfectly. I see things here sometimes that describe me so perfectly and if I feel this way too I don't really see what else it could be.



DerKodeMeister
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09 Jul 2010, 4:44 pm

MotownDangerPants wrote:
DerKodeMeister wrote:
I often feel alien to the world even when I'm with my friends, in a way I can best describe like this: have you ever edited a photo, where you can use a tool to make one selected area very clear and have the rest of the image completely blurred out? That's how I often think about things when I'm out in public or meeting strangers; if familiar people are there, then the spot where we are seems very clear to me, but everyone else tends to just appear as if I was in a non-lucid dream; faceless and hazy (which is hard to say, because I know they aren't faceless or hazy; my senses can recognize that, but my mind makes me think that way.) .


This is EXACTLY how I feel and exactly how I've always felt when i'm not altered by medication in anyway and in my natural state. THIS is what I always called "it" before I knew anything about AS. I just knew something was different. Can I ask you, do you think this could be anything OTHER than AS? I want to ask you because you described it so perfectly. I see things here sometimes that describe me so perfectly and if I feel this way too I don't really see what else it could be.


I'm not quite sure. It could be something along the lines of Depersonalization Disorder, although my symptoms are not nearly as severe as the Wikipedia article suggests. It could be a byproduct of AS, or it could just be The-way-our-brain-perceives-and-processes-information-is-different Disorder.


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Cynthia92
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09 Jul 2010, 6:54 pm

Yes I totally feel dead inside.

Ever since I started high school, I hated the fact that I could not pick up social hints. I was portrayed by other people as being cynical and weired. So I decided to use my brain instead of social Intuition as a means of communicating with people. I would watch lots of teen TV shows and I would go to the mall to see how other people interacted with each other. I am much better at communicating with people right now but I still feel like I am being fake and an actress instead of a real person because I "memorized" all the social hints.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost :(



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