14 year-old aspie son always yells "shut up"?

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definitely. also your voice (and sometimes voices in general) might be hard for him to tolerate.

still, your son needs to learn how to recognize this and speak to you more respectfully.

so .. i say it is both AS and being a (depressed) teenager at work here. and both things should be taken into consideration when confronting the problem.

Agreed. I used to do it too. But I can't say it will get better as he gets older because I don't really know him. Being disrespectful isn't an AS thing, but the miscommunication (thinking you're yelling) could very well be.

Personally I would want someone neutral like a psychologist to talk to the both of you and work on communication between the two of you. He probably won't like it, but if you make him stick to it until he opens up it would probably help.

I think you should make it clear that certain words are not acceptable. To begin with, disregard the bit about shouting and focus on his language. Make it clear that calling you names or using cuss words is absolutely unacceptable and that there will be consequences. Make the consequences meaningful to him, and ensure you always carry them through. He won't like it at first, but such language is unacceptable, both to you and in the wider world, and it's not doing him any favours if he's allowed to go round calling people such names, because he'll have an abrupt come-uppance when he goes out into the world. Just because someone is on the autistic spectrum does not mean they cannot learn some basic courtesy skills. Temple Grandin also has a lot to say about this, and I totally agree with her. It's true that difficulties with communication are very frustrating for people on the spectrum, and so we're more likely to feel angry in a conversation, but swearing and insulting are not an inevitable result of this. More appropriate ways of expressing feelings can and should be taught.

If anything I'd say him playing WOW is contributing to his lack of respect, as players of the game take advantage of the fact that they're separated by the internet, to behave atrociously to other people. His 'friends' in the game are probably more like the kind of gang you get hanging around in shopping malls, seeing as it is extremely rare to find anyone playing WoW, who gives a damn about anyone else playing.

I think the term 'festering cesspool of humanity' wouldn't be far wrong in describing it, because despite the game itself being rather good, with a complex world to explore, it's completely ruined by the other players. I've only stuck with it because I have 5 accounts*, can play as a full group by myself, and can largely avoid them, and because I've been very lucky to get into a guild of mature players (including several wives and girlfriends). Younger players simply don't get into that kind of guild, unless they can act as maturely as the rest of the players in them.

For the majority of players though, WoW is a world of trash talking, p***ing contests, immature humor, scamming, griefing, and elitism. Depression is largely caused by anger about your situation in life, and inability to do anything about it. Many people playing WoW are depressed, and it does give them something to occupy themselves and avoid a lot of their problems, but they still end up venting their frustration at each other.

On the other hand, he may be in a good raiding guild, in which case by interrupting him you are not only interfering with his gameplay, but with the other 9 or 24 people that he may be playing with at the time too. Younger players have a hard time in the game because so many parents just can't respect the fact that they may have made a time commitment to several other people when they play. You wouldn't be happy with someone as a group, if you'd commited to do something with them, and they suddenly had to go and do something that most certainly could wait till later, resulting in several people having to sit and twiddle their thumbs wondering when they're going to get back.


I'd say suspend your son's access to WoW for a few days, and if he can prove that he is mature enough to be around other people in real life, then he is mature enough to be around the kind of people that are in the game. Playing WoW can become a crutch, that in many ways is no different from drug abuse or self harming (even if it is a preferable way of coping than those things), and the only way to tell that, is if it's possible to go without it.

Games have always been a good way to let off steam, but since they have become increasingly multiplayer, they have also become a way for people to interract in negative ways to each other while doing this, and pick up the habit of considering that behavior to be acceptable.

The world we're in may well be full of idiots and a***h****, but that is no reason for anyone to behave like them, and A.S. should never be used as an excuse for that kind of behaviour.



*Paying 5 subscriptions, putting the time in to get multiboxing working, and levelling 5 characters to the highest level would seem to make me more addicted to the game than most, but the other people in my guild are the ones who have collected more mounts or pets than me, have progressed further into the game, and to be honest, they've spent more time levelling their 3 characters to the highest level than I have on my 5, because I'm levelling mine at the same time, not one after another. And they're the ones with jobs, wives, kids. You can play games fine as part of a normal life, but it's best to have that life first.

Last edited by polarity on 14 Aug 2010, 12:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I'm proud to say, that I weighed more than 120 lbs, at the age, of 14. I was 5ft 1, and that didn't hurt me. I'm also trapped in a female body.

I used to do this when I was playing WoW. The reason is that a good amount of focus and emotion is invested in to the game playing and when an external factor disrupts this "bubble" you turn sour and annoyed. But it's absolutely NOT your fault for trying to communicate with him. I'm guessing WoW gives him this alternate world he can focus on and escape from his real life issues, school, day to day live, friend issues. He feels that WoW is the true place where he belongs and can escape to. When he hears these external sounds he becomes reminded of his real life troubles and instantly becomes angry because it serves as a reminded that soon, soon he has to deal with everything that causes him pain.
I didn't have that much issues as a kid and when i was playing, but i also made my own efforts to acquire friends, so I had some. I wasn't completely alone but due to all the frustration and energy "wasted" ( /invested) in keeping friends I felt like WoW was a daily vacation where I left all that behind me.
I did yell at my mother as well, but I always knew I had to tone it down with the aggressive factor towards my mother because I understood that she never meant any harm, she was just being a mother.
One thing that also drove me crazy and lead to arguments was my mothers voice that I could never withstand since it was very high pitched and mean sounding, so I often got meltdowns from talking to her, and I would repeat "please can you leave" constantly when she disturbed me during game play. Now I'm older and wiser and thank God Blizzard ( the makers of WoW) banned me from the game so I can concentrate on bigger things and not be drawn back.

Every Aspie is different but I know how you feel since my mother was walking on egg shells as well during my time playing and the times I often was in a bad mood when disturbed.
As much as i liked WoW and playing it day in and day out I am also glad it's over since it brings less arguments and shouting into our lives.

I hope it works out well and you should ask him to have a sit down with you so that you can tell him your worries and issues in a kind manner. He will eventually give in and register some of the things you tell him, but I guess he's in his stubborn phase as well being 14 an all.

Much can be solved with good conversation. Sometimes you need to confront your child in a more adult manner to get some results.

I had some hellish moments with my mother but I finally understood that she always ment well, she was just worried like every mother when they see their child stagnate. My mother gave me some free passes at times since I was also very much in to graphic illustration and when not playing for hours I was drawing and making illustrations on the computer.

(The sucky part was for example when i had finished an illustration that took about 6-8 hours (straight) and then I sat down to play a little and mo mother would come in thinking i had been playing the whole day and started to yell at me,... unfair, but that's life.)

I don't know what to advise factoring in his size, but this is what I posted elsewhere to a parent about assessing when computer time is a positive thing, v. when it is not:

If the child gets more irritable, has more trouble sleeping, and otherwise increases in negative behaviors as a result of spending time on the computer, you have an addiction.

When the child gets calmer and happier, you have a wonderful special interest.

The lines may not be quite as clear as that, since AS kids also have issues with interrupted, issues with transitions, etc., but I think you can see where I'm heading with that. I have no trouble saying that my son's computer time is a positive thing for him. With my daughter - and me, for that matter - boundaries are needed. We get drawn into it PAST when we are actually enjoying it, and out of simple boredom or obsession or who knows what - and we get less pleasant to those in the family as a result. My son, on the other hand, may lash out if I try to interrupt him when he's highly focused on a problem, but if I say, "finish up that line of code and then let's go out for a bike ride," he (more often than not) happily does so (I do have to have read the potential breaking point correctly, of course).

Please don't blame your parenting; I don't know what I would do with a large and violent child his age (my son is 13 and considerably smaller). I got professional intervention at a key point in time with my son and was incredibly lucky he responded to it; without that, I don't know how things would be going. But you can still appeal to your son's logic. Is there anything he likes to do that is out of the house and away from his computer? Start with that. Arrange an outing. Let him remember what a good day separated from the false world of WoW can feel like. It might take a few tries, but don't give up. As you near the end of the day, you can try to have a logical conversation with him about computer time. Get HIM to decide that some limits are logical, and get HIM to want to enforce them. AS kids can be amazingly self-disciplined when they have made a choice with respect to their own needs; my son blows me away on that. The key is to get THEM to make that choice; until they do, enforcement is really really difficult.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 14 Aug 2010, 2:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

As far as I know, that's not necessarily part of his Asperger's. I'd think about looking into that as perhaps something else, which sounds VERY difficult to deal with, and additionally could mutate into a serious societal respect problem.

As an Aspie with OCD and ADD (both very common byproducts of Asperger's), I get really rattled and irritated if anyone interrupts my train of thought while I'm doing something; whether it be business or recreational thinking. However, Asperger's does not cause disrespect or deliberate rudeness, as far as I've read. A therapist might have you talk with your son and make a deal whereby he has a way to notify you that he's in an "important" though focus, and please don't interrupt. It sounds to me as if maybe he doesn't know how to explain that, or maybe you both aren't communicating fully. So maybe his only way to prevent his thoughts from derailing, is to shout those cusswords. My wife and I have a good system, which did not come easily, and would not have been possible without our therapist helping... She is NT, and I'm the Aspie. If I'm busy, and I don't want to be disturbed, I won't turn and acknowledge her for that moment. If I do acknowledge, it means that I'm now open to being interrupted. In turn, I don't abuse that system, and it's working fine. In the event of a true urgency, she will speak up, and I will know that whatever the issue may be, it's being done with the understanding that it truly can't wait, and I respect that. She will not abuse it by implementing a forced interruption to tell me that her sister wants to come visit two weeks from now.

Charles

Last edited by kx250rider on 14 Aug 2010, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

link


kids in games horror

Wow.

I've been curious now why you are so facinated with this stuff? You're always posting about child abuse or other crimes. Is this a special interest?

Good point Astaut.

Another thing is while obviously there needs to be some punishment if he is disrespectful, you need to help him by working on whatever makes him feel the need to do that. Like Astaut said, if it's poor communication, then work on his ability to express himself, so he can calmly say what's wrong rather than spitting obscenities. If it's lack of emotional control, find some ways he can learn to calm down.

He is disrespecting you, he is be an asshat, but you may be causing him extreme pain.

Tone of voice may not even come off as yelling. It may physically hurt him. There are some peoples voices that I can not be around.
Like nails on chalkboard x 10, 15, 20, 40 or 100. When someone like that speaks, I want to shut them up any way I can. So I leave if possible
or I ask to deal with someone else.
But it is not just voices, if someone scratches a knife or fork across some types of plates, I can't deal with it.

I wear headsets as often as I can so that I am not assaulted by noise.

It can also be caused by ear damage and infections.
An infection can spread to his brain.

You have had his hearing checked in the last while, I hope?

http://index.healthboards.com/hearingdi ... -my-ear/1/

If he is in pain, and you are adding to it, yes he is going to become angry and frustrated - because your his mother and not listening
BUT he will probably feel the same way about himself - you are his mother. it could really bother him that he is acting this way.

Or yelling = interrogation to him or cross-examination


As for his size, and not being able to handle him..
See if you and your daughter can have a 'mother daughter ' night out and take self defence classes.
Learn some take down skills.. neither of you may ever have to use them, but having the ability to, and him not knowing about it
may be 'comforting' and a surprise if you do.
Plus always good to know something if needed

When I was young I was as bad as he was (Mine was Runescape!), but I had a numerous of reasons to be that way (I suspect aspergers now, and suspected autism even then before aspergers was popular, I knew I was similiar in some way). However, I would still agree that you should start LIMITING WoW from his time if he disrespects you. Simply removing the interest entirely may cause much more damage for a longer period of time, and I can understand how much that would exhaust you. Limiting it more and more as he disrespects you will show that you are willing to give him his interests, but he needs to learn to respect first. He needs to learn that if he has a problem and is investing it into WoW, it is not going to help him in any way. I think many kids at this age already have the hormones to cause them to rage, but if there is something to be depressed about, and stressed about, it needs to be paid attention to. However, at the same token, too much attention will cause backlash, because he is still young and probably just like I was, is unsure of how to express his feelings entirely.

It has to do with a big black bear, if he see's one, then he won't yell shut up no more, my 2 cents.

Are you pulling him out of a preoccupation when you're talking to him? Because I yelled "shut up" when that happened, too. It's a shock to be suddenly approached when you are preoccupied, like being thrown into icy water.

It's not certain-- I can't say without knowing him-- but it's possible he's:
1. Really annoyed at you pulling him away from what he's doing.
2. Feeling forced into dealing with people when he's desperate to be alone.
3. Sensitive to your tone of voice in such a way that it hurts him to hear you speak, and he calls it yelling because the English language doesn't have a word for "your voice and my auditory processing are a compelling argument against the existence of a loving god."

As in, all three at once. And having been there, done that, I can say that just telling you to shut up is showing a good deal of restraint. It really hurts. Any one of those hurts, of course, but to pile all three on top of being a teenager who'd rather not listen to his parents?

Try to figure out if there's a better way to communicate. Prioritize; do you need to say it while he's playing, or can you say it at dinner? Try to come to some agreement that you'll minimize the pain. It might help if you come to an agreement that he'll listen and be polite, but you'll speak very quietly (maybe even whisper) and give him as much time as he needs to make the transition out of the game, process your words, formulate an answer and say it. Maybe ask him again if that takes him more than a couple of minutes. Maybe asking "is now a good time?" would work. He has to be willing to work with you and not abuse the possibility, but letting him say "no, ask me again in five minutes" (or whatever amount of time) might help.

If-- and it is an if, because I don't know how it is for him-- this is what's going on in his head, it's not (just) about boundaries or respect. It may also be hard for him to come up with something polite, and he may be trying to communicate but unable to engage the thought processes that allow him to be polite. And no matter how hard you work on that when he's not stressed, that doesn't translate.

It is definitely rude and will not serve him well. It's not an issue of ability so much as an issue of stress and pain. Minimize the pain, give him some time to get used to that and learn to be polite. Maybe suggest some phrases that he could use and memorize for such times, though that never worked for me; I never remember those in the moment. Really work on this with him when it's a good time to talk. Give it a good try of reasonable length.

If the situation does not improve at all, then it's probably about respect and politeness and whatnot, and I know absolutely nothing about that.

EDIT: I wrote this post without having seen your second post. I'm less confident of my answer now.