BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES

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THE WALKING STICK INCIDENT IN THE DENNIS CENTRE IN CLARENCE AVENUE, GANTS HILL




I attend the Mitkadem day Centre in Clarence Avenue.

Once a week I go along to the Dennis Centre to do some exercises with my group.
However one day I got up from my seat because I wanted more space, but, in doing so I stood right in front of this man who's in his 90s. This enraged him and he acted aggressively towards me and whacked me with his walking stick, his own way of telling me to get out of his way because he thought I was blocking his view.
The exercise teacher seeing what happened rushed up to the man and told him off for acting aggressively towards me.
The upset caused me to withdraw into my seat and, as a result, took no interest in any of the exercises.
In fact I withdrew into the corner by the window to get away from people.

The man who whacked me has his own favourite seat, which is out of bounds to other people.

DAY CENTRE ADMISSION CHARGES


Fees have been introduced at the day centre in which I attend.
As soon as I walk through the door and into the centre I have to pay a membership fee of £4.00, plus £5.00 for dinner.
This is to keep the centre running.
Paying a fee could lead to not attending the centre for days on end in order to save money, and eventually to having to leave the centre altogether as paying a fee plus lunch money could lead to poverty.

THE VICIOUS ATTACK ON THE SUN


Just recently during the London riots yobs chucked fireworks at the sun, putting it out of action.
This plunged the world into darkness.

The sun's murder by hooligans meant that daylight couldn't exist anymore, so, the plan was to send the sun to hospital where it would have to have an operation to bring it back to life again.

The sun did in the end have an operation to remove deadly fragments that were stopping it from shining and to bring it back to life again.

Had the murdered sun remained in the sky it would have exploded causing huge masses to crash right down to Earth, engulfing the entire population.

Luckily the sun did have an operation so it could shine again. It also reversed it's murder, that is bring it back to what it was before it was murdered.

Whilst the sun was in hospital alternative arrangements were made keep the Earth alive.

Millions of light bulbs were installed in the Universe above the Earth.

The murder of the sun wasn't the only evil act committed by these yobs, they also dismantled a policeman as he tried to arrest him.
They took off his legs, head, arms, plus more, but made use of them after the demolition of the policeman, for the yobs used the policeman's head as a football, kicking it around the town. The hooligans even had a game of football where they used a human head (the policeman's head) as the football, kicking it down the street. They also made use of the copper's legs, using them as weapons to smash windows with, and his chest as a dining room table.
However the policeman got his own back for he re - assembled his own body by himself, picking up his legs, head, chest and arms then putting them back onto his own body.

It's amazing how a dismembered man could put himself back together again by himself, but he did it, for his body parts had a life of their own, that is, they could function independently of the man's body, this means that if a man's legs are removed they could walk on their own and human heads could even move on their own without the rest of the body.
Even the torso could have a life of its own for it could walk down the street without the rest of the body.

Now it's back to the rioters. They did torch buildings by chucking human heads through the windows after setting fire to them.
When the heads were set alight they let out a scream even though they weren't attached to any human body.

It's show's that human body parts, legs arms, chest and head can function independently and have a life of their own.
It's common to see a pair of legs running down the street on their own because legs can still run even after a man has had them removed.

THE WASH BASIN THAT GOT STOPPED UP




One day In Fishbrook Day Centre ,one of the members went to wash his hands when all of a sudden the wash basin overflowed and flooded the toilet out. One of the staff Mr>Fred Broker came in and was shocked to see a bird laying its eggs in the pipe leading up into the wash basin. He found the culprit – one of the members. His name, Joe Slammer. He was ordered to put his hand down the sink and pull the bird out from underneath.
The huge flood that the overflowed sink had caused resulted in computers drowning and giant six inch wide ants crawling into the centre’s rooms. One of these insects crawled up onto the office desk and gnawed its way through a computer.
Eventually the culprit was expelled
The expelled member ended up in another day centre- Redbridge Dropout in Gordon Smasher Road.
Redbridge Dropout was a day centre for no good people. It had a toilet with no wash basin, just a tap on the wall and salt to wash your hands with. The toilet flushed only once a day and took 24 yours to fill up so the user had make do with a tree as a toilet.
The dining room was very basic, no table, no chairs, you had to eat your meal sitting on the floor, served on a table mat instead of a plate, and the lunch money cost £400. Even to drink water you had to pay and that would cost anything up to £150, it’s no wonder everybody was so thirsty all day because drinking a glass of water was a luxury that only a millionaire could afford at the Dropout Centre.
In desperation a man put his mouth into the soil and drank the water, and that contained earthworms so he got hold of a vacuum cleaner and put it into his mouth to suck the worms out, so the only solution was for it to rain, and when it did he grabbed every raindrop that came down, by opening his mouth, but had to pay a fine for the air was private property. Even to breathe outside in the open air was a crime. You had to wear an oxygen mask so that you wouldn’t have to breathe in private air.
Because lunch was so expensive many members had to eat the floor leading to many holes forming.
Even the members’ own bodies were the property of the crown.
Even to touch your own body was a criminal offence for your own body didn’t belong to you, it belonged to the government.

THE DEVIL'S PUNCHBOWL TOILET



This is a toilet close to the Devil's Punch Bowl, deemed to be the biggest in the world, for the toilet is about five miles wide, 'used for visitors to the Devil's Punch Bowl who want to relieve themselves.

The Devil's Punchbowl toilet is a massive toilet bowl that can seat up to 500 people who have to sit down on this massive bowl which can reach up to a depth of two miles.

To prevent people from falling down into the whacking great big toilet, the biggest toilet in the world they are shackled to the side of the bowl with chains.

The toilet which is huge has to be flushed with 700 chains and five million gallons of water.

WARNERS SMOKESIDE HOLIDAY VILLAGE RESORT HAYLING ISLAND



This is a holiday camp situated in Hayling Island, Lambshire.
The holiday camp is well known for its open top chalets so sleepers could enjoy fresh air, but have to beware of birds flying overhead for they could poop all over you from above and straight into your chalet, with their droppings raining down on top of you as you sleep.
Many a times people in these chalets have had to clear bird droppings that came into the roofless chalets from above whilst they were sleeping, so it's advisable to use a sleeping bottle, a big bottle which you could climb into and nod off soon after putting the lid on top.
The sleeping bottles have holes in them in order to let in ventilation.
The bottles which measure five foot by two feet provide protection against being pooped upon by birds from above as the chalets have no roofs

The holiday camp smokeside has a theatre with swimming pool in front off the stage so theatre goers can have a swim whilst they are watching the show, for they could see the stars straight from the swimming pool.

The Avatar Coats provide the entertainment.

The nearest town to Hayling Island is Have Not.
Near Have Not is the village of Have.

THE LOSS OF MY FREEDOM PASS





The other day, on Wednesday November 30th, 2011, I lost my Freedom pass.
It happened on the way to my day centre.
It was with me when I got off the bus, but in the afternoon it was gone.
It only came to light when it was time to go home after spending a few hours at my day centre.
As I was about to leave I opened up my bag to look for my Freedom Pass, but no sign, it had completely vanished into thin air.
I rifled through my own bag in a desperate search for my Freedom pass, emptying out all the contents,but couldn't find it, it just wasn't there.
I absolutely went berserk and banged the table, shouting and screaming.

In desperation I had to buy an oyster card in order to get me home by bus.

Three days on and my Freedom pass is still missing.

THE DEVASTATING LOSS OF THE FREEDOM PASS





One day when Bernard Cheeseman got off the bus at Beehive Lane he had his pass with him, but, 'when he got to the centre it had gone, and what a mayhem he created over the lost bus pass. He threw chairs banged doors and chucked his bag across the room, narrowly missing one of the staff by inches.



"You, my boy, I've had enough of you, any more of that and I'll have you out of this centre.

You nearly knocked me over.



Listen here my boy, the only way to sort out this freedom pass business is to phone London Transport and District.



And, please make sure you have your photos with you when you apply for a freedom pass, if you haven't then you can go to the nearest phone booth and have your photos taken.



It's like Bernard Tisman when he lost his freedom pass.

It happened on Wednesday, November 30th 2011.



It's a while since it happened.

The person who lost his freedom pass was me, Bernard Tisman.

Because of this I had to buy an oyster card to get me home.
The oyster card cost £5.00, plus £2.50 top up.


The incident happened when I got off the bus.
I had it when I made my way to Mitkadem day centre, but by the afternoon it had gone.
If there would have been a bird flying overhead it would have swooped down and swiped it out of my coat pocket by grabbing it with it's beak and make off with it.


The freedom pass would have ended up as a tasty meal for the bird, most likely a crow.


My freedom pass is most likely dead by now, for without it's owner it could die.


Without the freedom pass I would have to pay fares when coming to the Mitkadem day centre on Wednesdays.

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LATEST NEWS


Bernard Tisman's freedom pass has been found dead.
It's body was found in Blenheim Avenue, Gants Hill.
It was a passer - by who found it dead. Not only that, the freedom pass was rotting away as well, found in an advanced state of decomposition.
It stunk.
In fact the smell of the rotting freedom pass was so foul that everybody who came out of their houses collapsed but soon recovered.
They had to cover their faces with hankies because of the terrible stink that was coming from the rotting freedom pass.
Not only that, a lot of foul smelling fluid was oozing out of the dead freedom pass which was rotting away quite rapidly

Bernard Tisman's cousin has been notified of the freedom pass's tragic death.
He said:
"I am sorry to hear of the death of your freedom pass.

A post mortem will be carried out to find out exactly what caused the freedom pass to die so tragically.

The cause of death at the moment is unknown.

It's most likely that the freedom pass could have died of hypothermia.
This mean's that if you do get a new freedom pass make sure it's wrapped up warm when you use it, and if it does ever fall ill call your doctor.

THE MAGICAL WARDROBE




Once upon a time a man finding that his wardrobe in his bedroom became overcrowded, suddenly discovered that his wardrobe started to expand many many miles and could now have as much space as possible to hang his belongings up.

On walking into the vast wardrobe that stretched for thousands and thousands of miles the man stumbled upon another door. He went through this door and walked right out onto the beach 1100 miles from home, even though he was only 100 yards from his bedroom, approached through the wardrobe.

The beach was right in the land of Banarnia, the land where every forest was made up of bananas instead of trees.

he walked right out onto this beach and went inside a beach hut. He went up to the wall and a door suddenly appeared, then went through this door and got whisked into outer space, landing on the moon Dunkers, where he entered a magical castle with marble floors and vast rooms, ruled by King Sirloin. He sat on a vast chair 20 foot high and 50 foot wide.

Soon the man went through a door in the castle and landed straight back in his bedroom where he climbed into the wardrobe from.

That night Sydney Jamjar, the man himself got into bed, climbed under the bedclothes and dragged himself to the bottom of the bed. There, he went through an arch into a magical kingdom, where he went straight into a castle, so vast that is stretched for 10,000 miles with loads of giant teddy bears and 50 - headed beasts.

The man walked into a corridor and stumbled upon a huge pool with women who had heads all over their bodies and long tongues stretching for 20 feet, ready to grab any fish that came out of the River Smax.

The creatures stuck out their 20 foot tongues and nearly grabbed the man ready to gobble him up but escaped just in time, by climbing into a bottle with both ends.
He came out of the other end and ended up in a bed 1000 feet long.
It was Prince Gaspian who slept in this vast bed, but he was away in Snoddia, his favorite country on a tour of the Dogacombs.

Prince Gaspian came from Snarnia.

The man crawled along the inside of the bed and landed up inside a toilet built into the bed sheets.
It was used by the owner if he was caught short whilst in bed.
The man then flushed himself down the toilet and landed in an underground river made of chocolate, passing licorice allsorts men on the way and giant 7 - headed mice, some with beaks.

A mouse with a beak, it's never been heard of, but that's what the man saw on his travels through the chocolate river.

The river led into the Burly Sea, with fish sitting up at tables eating their meals and trees urinating on lawns.

By now it was time to go home so the man tapped his feet on the ground and in a jiffy was back in his bedroom.

THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE







Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, "all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, "Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor.

In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room.
Meanwhile, outside,
People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man's flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room.


"You, you've gone too far this time.
I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police.
I'm afraid I can't take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room.
You're just a dangerous person who should be locked away."


The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years.
His crime:
Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake.
By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

THE FOOTBALL GAME THAT WENT OUT OF CONTROL



Once upon a time a man whilst he was playing a game of football kicked the ball so hard that it went right up into sky then crashed into the moon splitting it into two. So violent was the blow that the moon came crashing down to Earth landing, ‘smack! right onto the football pitch. One of the footballers, Nigel Chicken grabbed hold of the two halves of the moon and took it to an aeroplane depot giving them to the pilot, who hired a moon builder to see what he could do about the broken moon. He got hold of a tube of super glue and rejoined the two halves of the moon together, then went up into the sky and restored the moon to its proper place, but, what about the football that broke the moon into two?
The football was nowhere to be seen but eventually someone found it- in a porridge bath on the planet Rolo, two miles from Mars.
The game of football as resumed, minus the footballer who started this. He got sent off the pitch and told to report to the headmaster of Bigfoot Football club for splitting the moon into two.
He got expelled

THE COMPUTER CAB HORSE




Once upon a time there was a horse used as a computer cab - on legs, with the horse driver sitting at the front of the horse, and the passenger on the back of the horse.

Once mounted the computer cab horse passenger gave his taxi card to the horseman at the front of the animal, who then swiped the card on the horse's head to verify that the passenger was travelling on the computer cab horse.

Once he reached his or her destination the passenger paid his horse fare and got off the computer cab horse.


Even human beings can be used as computer cabs. This means that the passenger has to piggy back the human taxi for the whole of the journey.

THE MONTHLY YOGA SESSION AT WANSTEAD SWAMP FARM LIBRARY, ADJOINING WOODBINE CIGARETTE CENTRE



This monthly yoga session held over at Wanstead Swamp Farm Library next door to the Woodbine Centre, which means a day centre loaded with cigarettes, consists of exercises in which you have to throw your yourself up to the ceiling and spin your head, so fast that it eventually stop's working, bu after a few minutes it restarts.

You lie on a mat covered with ice packs to the body to stop you from overheating during a yoga match, because during the yoga session your own body can become as hot as a fried egg.

Exercises include the egg tree and the blue flush moon.

Yoga is accompanied by music from a brass violin and a string trumpet, performed by The London Fruitband Orchestra.

There are yoga matches between two teams.

Part of the curriculum includes swimming pool yoga where you lie on balloon mats and swim with swimming pool dolphins.

Additional music for yoga matches are supplied by the Gants Hill Station railway tunnel baby choir and The Mustard Boys.

The Mustard Boys are a yoga based pop group whose blend of music is well suited to yoga matches.

The Mustard Boys are so -called, because as part of their stage act they cover their bodies in mustard.

THE MAN WHO HAD TO HAD TO GET THE DIAL A RIDE



One Thursday In the Michael Den day Centre it was decided that we should all go to the park, Valentine's park, but for one man, Bernard Tismangle, he had to get the dial a ride which was due at any moment, 2. 45pm, so to save Bernie the bother of having to walk back and find that the dial a ride has gone off without him, it was suggested that the dial a ride bus driver could enter Valentines park and pick him up there, right by the cafe, so, at 2.55pm the dial a ride turned up inside the park right outside the cafe, facing the toilets.
Of course Bernie had to have his tea but there just wasn't enough time as the dial a ride was due to leave at any moment, so he was given a carton of tea, plus a cake, and once on the bus would consume it.

Before you could say Jack Rabbit the bus went off and took Bernie home to Goodfellows Lodge.

BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏


One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away.

On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie.

The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court.

On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats.

These were Bernie's birthday presents.

The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift.

Then came more presents.

Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine.

And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees.

Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.'

The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it.

Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse.

Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat.

For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on.

For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.

THE BIG DAY




Today is the day we've all been waiting for.
You can see why, because today is the day we go on our holiday to Uppestoft in Stuffolk.
We recommended it because it has a tarry beach and entertainment whilst you're asleep, plus a full English Breakfast covered in mud.


Uppestoft, as you all know was built by Sir Robert Punchbag in 1867 for Prince Spangles. From then on it grew until it stretched all the way to Scotland.

Uppestoft has 400 piers, each with it's own brand of entertainment, such as:

"What the Toilet Bowl saw and "The jumping Bus"


"Top entertainer Fred Needles often spend's his holiday here.

To get to Uppestoft you have to go along the A12.

For part of the journey the A12 cut's across farmland.
It even goes along a railway line.

Imagine the A12 running along the Railway line, but that what the road does.

The A12 road even takes to the sky, but after a mile descend's to Earth.

At Uppestoft the A12 road run's along the beach (the A12 road on the beach), and when it reache's Great Yarmouth it goes into the sea and dives under.

Once at the bottom of the sea the A12 run's along the seabed. This mean's that the driver has to endure fish swimming on top of him whilst he's driving his car on the A12 at the bottom of the sea.


At 7am that very morning Bernard Tisman get's up, makes his breakfast, washes up and get's ready because his cousin George Flag is coming to collect him.
He comes around 10am and it's off we go as we leave Teabag Lodge.

Once we reach Uppestoft we book in at our hotel, The Peter Bread Hotel.
We then unpack our cases and and make our way down to the Billy Pipe Lounge for our afternoon tea. We then drive down to the beach and eat sand, a common practice which generations of holidaymakers have done, then we head back to our hotel and get ready for our evening meal in the dining hall.
It's of cause a buffet meal served on plates two foot wide.

After dinner we head along to the theatre for evening entertainment, hosted by Kevin Crab Apple.

there are a number of acts such as the Bill Ding Combo and pop groups such as Bedtime, plus more.