Something bizarre happed with a previous bully!

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That was quick!

How do you feel about his email?

Wow... ! !

I'm not sure tbh... I'm glad he responded and hopefully it will lead to some closure. I don't particularly want to meet up with him. I think I'm still processing his reply..

One thing though.. I never actually said I forgave him in my message..

I just ran across something else. It turns out that the list of born again christians includes the "Son of Sam" killer, David Berkowitz.

http://www.nndb.com/people/278/000025203/

What comes to mind when you think of "Son of Sam"? A possible satanic reference? As you'll see this story's potential for coolness was far under-fulfilled . It turns out that this guy tried abdicating responsibility for his actions by shifting the blame onto his neighbor's dog, and "Sam" was his neighbor, to whom he wrote a letter saying basically "See what you made me do?". That's the best he could do. Why couldn't he come up with anything better than that? Unfortunately the thought never occurred to him "Gee, this story is so lame and stupid, I'm not even gonna do it."

So there you go, your bully is now in the company of the likes of David Berkowitz and Jeffery Dahmer, not exactly what I'd call an enviable position. Likewise, it doesn't place you into an enviable position to write letters blaming people, even if they've wronged you in the past, for your current condition because it's like you're telling them that they've won and that things they did are still affecting you. I wouldn't have recommended that you write any letters to this guy, but now that you have, I'm glad you'll get some closure, but I recommend that you move on without further contact with him.

Last edited by sgrannel on 10 Mar 2011, 12:04 am, edited 3 times in total.

My advice:

Just leave it where it lies now. He apologized, and hopefully you can get closure from that.

I'm just concerned with him wanting to meet-up and whatnot. He may be looking to show you how (pardon the expression religious people...) holy he is now. There is still the very real chance that he hasn't really changed, and may react negatively if you don't react in ways that stroke his ego.
Example: "Oh my gosh! You've completely changed. It must be the Christian stuff. Can you please teach me this Christian stuff?" <-- he may be looking for that, and get upset if it's not received.

Last edited by j0sh on 09 Mar 2011, 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I noticed .

Whilst everything's up to you, I wouldn't recommend meeting up without exchanging at least a few emails. He's essentially a stranger, and not one you have ever had any reason to trust so far..

.

As I've been reading this thread, it occured to me that in my 37 years I've spent many of them being selfish or unkind...being a bratty kid, being a rebellious teen, being an ill-mannered youg adult, making misinformed decsions and not realizing their implications. Not purposely, but as a human being, mistakes are part of the growth process--and I don't believe the 'growth process' ends when we reach physical maturity.

Maybe your bully just outgrew his bullying? Perhaps it took him a while to grow up and realize how he wanted to live in the world. Some people never get to that point. I still get frustrated by bullying (I still get bullied) but I try to keep in mind that we're all just trying to live.

I saw a former workplace bully in the hall today, and it was much more pleasant than I could have thought, which makes me feel good. Perhaps she's growing up, or is over some stress in her life that was making her behave like a nasty and manipulative person a couple of years ago. In this instance, for me, it doesn't really matter what the reason was..

Ok, here is my reply:

"Hi XXXX,

Thanks for your reply, it was much appreciated!

I am glad to hear you have changed for the better! Please don't think you are in any way responsible for ALL of my problems (undiagnosed Asperger's can cause problems all on it's own)! I am doing much better now.

Good luck to you and your wife for the future,

XXXXX "

I wanted to reply assuming he was actually sorry, but I also mentioned that he didn't cause all of my problems to a) be realistic and b) to take power away from him assuming he hasn't changed at all. I'm just going to leave it at that, I am not going to meet him or anything.

I was struck by how often he used the word "I" in his response. It gives the impression that he realizes he was a real ass but hasn't really worked through the guilt yet.

I would be very cautious about meeting him. He may be viewing you as a potential convert and that could be awkward (to say the least).

Forgiving him is more about you than him. He won't likely think much about you in the future. When you happen to think about him, if it evokes a huge wash of negative emotion, it will continue to drag you down. You can feed that negativity and want vengeance, justice, retribution or whatever. But you will never get it. Or you can let it go. Forgiveness puts the vengeance to rest and takes the power out of the negative emotions.

Of course forgiveness is never easy. I still find huge pools of rage inside me born of bullying and abuse. I guess its a process. But nursing that rage into hatred turns me into an ass as big as my abusers. I don't want to walk that path.

A girl who used to make false accusations against me back in college is now a Vegan, fighting for animal justice.

I am not emailing her. To hell with her. I'd rather ask her to go "f**k herself"

I have heard through other people that 2 of the people that bullied me in High school have regretted what they did. Some bullies are mean, but then you get other ones who are just really messed up and take their problems and aggression out on others. Some change when they get older and some never do.

It can be difficult to find closure from them. I guess the comfort is that they are in the past and they cannot harm you anymore.

Don't ever let the label "Christian" fool you. It does not magically make the person good.

...
I'm glad that this guy saw the wrong that he has done.

You should stop by his church and pay him a visit one day. He can tell the stories to the youths and they can learn a good lesson. This could turn into a good thing. You 2 could even become friends!

He was rewarded for bullying (he gained respect) and now he is rewarded for changing (more respect.) Win-win for bullies.

Here's another option: ask him for four million dollars. That is how much his existence has cost the world.

In a rational society the costs of bullying should be measured. Let's say that the bully is active only in school years, and only seriously affects three people a year. That's around 40 damaged people. Let's say each person's life is impaired by ten percent. Even if we only restrict ourselves to financial results, 10% lower earning capacity across 40 lifetimes. The average westerner earns around 1 million dollars in a lifetime (40 years x 25k - yeah, I would love to be in that bracket, but that's another topic). x 40 x 10 percent: Each bully costs FOUR MILLION DOLLARS.

The same principle applies to all bad behavior. It has real costs. The fact that our laws tolerate this shows that our laws are economically illiterate.