Dealing with a 17yo with Aspergers

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Yeah really, at first I thought it was him.

But I think it's something more than just laziness, I don't think most people would explode because of just being asked to clean their room. It seems to me that he is depressed, possibly major depression, and is keeping sane by playing video games. And anything that takes him away from them takes away his sanity. I'm a bit similar, so I should know. Whatever you do, do NOT take them away from him, it will only lead to disaster in the current situation. You've already seen what happens when he doesn't get his way; there's no way taking away the video games will get him to study.

its easy to tell you what you are supposed to be doing dude you are supposed to go college/uni and try to make live better for you! sure its not easy but how else you are supposed to have some money your apartment and live out for yourself?
even i used to get disability money when i was studying but you cant live out purely from those, this is why ill try my best!
if from nothing else to get a place to live

It's actually very difficult to clean a room, especially a very dirty one.

I was not able to do it until my late teens. I know that there are people who are adults and still cannot do it. For reference, I am a biomedical engineering major in college, so I am generally pretty good with problem-solving.

Here's my method--it might illustrate how much actually goes into cleaning a room, and why it is so complex to learn:
How to Clean a Room

I need medication to be able to clean my room and I can't clean other areas of the house afterwards. Too exhausted. I almost had a breakdown when I tried to clean out my wardrobe.
There are disorders where it's hard for people to clean up after themselves. I'm now a cleaning robot and I have to clean up the mess my mum makes. I suspect ADHD because I know that people with it have trouble cleaning up after themselves.
But at 17 I didn't clean up after myself and I forgot to my chores, so I looked like I was lazy. Hell, I couldn't even make my bed because my motivation wasn't in it. It was like my legs were made of lead. Now I can do it, probably because on medication I turned that into a routine.

People on the spectrum aren't always lazy. Take for example my fear of change. I want to work but the thought of such dramatic change is crippling to me. Same goes for moving out. And just because some people know it's hard but can manage it doesn't mean everyone can. For one, I don't have AS I have autism - that's for those people that say 'you can do it' because no no I really can't. I will crash and burn. I can't even be in public for 10 minutes with out having sensory overload and then start acting like a 6 year old child.

As for taking away his games. Bad idea. My only way to calm down from stress and possible outbursts is to immerse myself in my special interests. If I had them taken away from me I would instantly hate the people responsible for that and have about 10 meltdowns a day.
Even tonight when I couldn't watch Stargate SGU, which is a part of my special interest, I felt like running away and felt like hurting the people that got in the way. In fact I'm under such stress from my own mother that I have considered running away.

Also when my dad had cancer I distanced myself. I didn't know how to handle it. I freaked out (internally) in the hospital. My brothers and sisters were seeing him everyday and again I immersed myself in my special interest to escape. It's not that I didn't care about him, it's that I didn't know how to handle the situation. I even cut classes and hung out with my friends all day or just walked through the city. After he died I had depression and I drank and slept around. I felt like everyone was going to die and there was really no point to life. I couldn't see any bright future for me.
So yeah, stressful times in our lives make us act out or go even more into our world.

yeah i know the big picture, duh. but the decisions and little responsibilities are suddenly dumped on me and they make absolutely no sense and when i ask for help i get yelled at.

anyway guys, obviously i'm not this kid, i'm an undiagnosed 18 year old female! idiots!

Dont say I didnt tell you so...

People who explode when asked to do something, are often people who find that task incredibly hard, are pushing themselves to try to do it anyway (because they don't want to be lazy like everyone calls them), and then... something happens. When you start pushing yourself in the direction of a skill that doesn't exist (or does exist but is very very difficult), you're likely to either shut down or blow up. It's not manipulative, it's not lazy, it's not "not wanting to do things". While there are lazy autistic people, you do not ever start with that explanation. Ever. Because usually it's inability or difficulty (often mixed with years or even decades of baggage and emotional problems because of never living up to other people's expectations) rather than laziness. I wouldn't blow up at the OP the way that one guy on this thread did, but I totally understand why he did.

But you know he has aspergers, and possibly other mental problems.......and yet you think using a completly disiplinary approach is the best thing. I mean I think maybe the kid needs some support or maybe therapy of some sort. I mean it seems like the approach your supporting will do more harm in the end. I mean the kids 17, which means not an adult yet and it was suggested that his parents come up with excuses why they cant give him rides home or do anything for him......sorry but that is kind of neglect when you are dealing with a minor especially one with mental problems that could hurt themself or someone else.

In a Whanau (tribe) society like polynesian NZ, having the child spend long lengths of time with relatives is fairly common. Even giving up your child to a grandmother or such, is not frowned upon as much as wh***y western culture dictates.

The downside for wh***y is that dysfunctional families soldier on with no recourse such as sending him to auntie X who has a real talent for kids.....

Your paying employer parents so far have no fault in this boys problems?? Check

To me it seems the parents are struggling to cope ie they hired you.

You are cast as Canadian Farley Mowat (hired by Government to prove wolves damaged deer stocks, reported back hunters and government were the problem), in this family drama, and need to report back to your income producer that responsibility may lie more with them.

Most 'normal' families are sick in many ways...

People have already covered the issue of laziness pretty well, but I just want to add that another problem with it is that people seem to assume it 99% of the time there is such a conflict. And, that isn't good because it tends to end any further attempts to figure out what's going on.

Also, while his mother's situation is difficult, and yes, she doesn't need more stress, I don't see anything about how he might be feeling. Ok, maybe you can't tell because he's not talking about it, but I don't even see speculation about it.

I.e. telling him to say "bye," as his mother went out. I get why you did that, and why you would commonly be expected to do that. But that would've p*ssed me off, especially at his age. I'm not sure if I can explain why, though. People's usual assumption seems to be that if you don't say it, then you don't feel it, and I always found that insulting. -- Especially at times (shutdown/overload) when getting words out is difficult, and/or almost like having to turn myself inside-out in a really uncomfortable way to do it (for lack of a better way of describing that).

And then, to have someone act as if they know that I don't care by telling me to verbalize -- that would be really maddening, and would feel patronizing as well. But, I might force "bye" through my teeth (and through the overload/shutdown/'exposure') to keep the pressure/punishment/assumptions-of-not-caring from getting any worse. (And not that you necessarily thought he didn't care, but he might not know that.)

Ok, so what to do about it? I don't know. I don't know if trying to let him know that you think he's under a lot of stress and people are misunderstanding why he does what he does, will help or backfire. Or, if to try to explain why people are doing what they're doing: concerned about his future; that the world isn't going to understand him and will thus be hard on him; are worried he doesn't care about helping his mother while she's weak & ill due to the cancer, will work or backfire. When someone says, "I love you," that's not bad, but maybe it would be better to be more specific (his father to explain why he wants him to do his homework, maybe). I don't envy your job, but I do hope things get better for everyone involved.

Yeah.... you might want to go to the parent's section and check out some of the threads there about people his age and cleaning rooms and see how well this pure punitive approach has worked out for them... I'm sure they've never heard any of these phrases like "just lazy" or "taking all his stuff away" or any of that punishment to make him behave stuff before. And please by all means feel free to use those words in there! Oh and please please I beg you to mention this 'natural punishment' method to the parents there, I want so much to read their replies it gives me pangs right in my chest.

Look, I personally think this approach is going to push everything into one giant big meltdown that's going to wreck what seems to be a very obviously fragile situation that's held together mostly by everyone's denial of reality. But hey, all I can do is say what I think is gonna happen, can't make anyone do anything. I just don't think your approach will work because experience has shown that it generally seems to end up with the person with AS in a psych ward or jail and other than that nothing's really changed for the better and a whole lot is significantly worse. And the messed up thing is that usually it didn't have to happen that way - but people had to stick to their guns without even once checking if their methods even worked to begin with. But well, who needs organization, a reward system, transitional devices or detailed explanations when we can just punish unwanted behavior out of someone with AS? Because that never ends poorly.

When this all blows up you'll post again and let us know how badly it went?

(to the OP) yes, yes, please do...

Seriously. You've got a board full of people telling you that this is wrong -- some just "NO THIS IS BAD" and some with detailed explanations. It might, just might, be that we know something you don't. It just might be that taking the usual approach to a situation with an unusual-neurologied person in it is bad news. It just might be that we all have experience with people who think the way you do. But what do we know, we're just autistic people and parents of autistic people who've been living this all our lives(/children's lives). I really hope you don't manage to do too much damage, because this is someone's life you're toying with here, and it can become life and death if you push it.

I second this post and its sentiments wholeheartedly!

You're probably going to do him more harm than good with the assumption that he can just up and do everything you think he should do.

While you're pondering that, I suggest reading up on "executive function" and especially how it impacts the ability to organize and direct one's attention/focus. Autistic spectrum disorders are associated with certain kinds of executive dysfunction, and 75% of those diagnosed with AS also fit the criteria for ADHD, which is virtually defined by executive dysfunction.

For someone who has executive function difficulties, "picking up your own rubbish in your room" may very well feel like rocket science.

Also, I'll echo what everyone else has said in this thread. I said you'll do more harm than good in my first sentence, but I will agree with others that you will actually make things worse and push toward an explosion. Your strategy is not going to work.

I tend to agree with pretty much everything you guys are saying, and I have expressed my concerns with the parents and the health team we are working with. But regrettably I'm not the one who makes the decisions, I'm the one who enforces them. I will point out that the family has, from what they have told me, tried everything. This boy started getting booted out of school at 7, and has attempted to use knives and other weapons on his family and friends. He is also stalking a girl who is frighted for her life from what I'm told.

Things are going to get worse before they get better, but something has to change before he hurts himself or someone else. I will be keeping a very close eye on him as things unfold. After reading all your comments about the lazy issue, I now feel i was wrong, I did not think his issues go that deep, I guess I need to keep in mind that something that may be simple for me, may not be so easy for him.

On a side note, I'm worried about what I say in here; because I don't want to offend anybody. This is my first case like this. I will keep updating you all.

if you're worried about offending people, then listen to what said people are telling you. DURR