Why do people just not get what aspergers is?

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[quote="anneurysm"

Plus, AS is not inherenly obvious to most people, since we tend to look like everyone else and have no physical differences...so they'll just assume it's a personality defect (e.g 'you're too shy!') rather than a neurological difference.[/quote

This is so true. My doctor just wrote a referral to my specialist mentioning that I have mild autism too and in his letter back he says that I'm a shy girl!

^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^


I don't really "get" it even after having invested a considerable amount of time trying to get it (although less time than any NT researchers/health care workers/teachers). The differences are so profound yet so subtle that from the outside they can look like very small differences ("shy") which leads to projection ("lots of people are shy").

You really nailed it with the observation about social skills. Prior to having an autistic child, my concept of "social skills" was the colloquial one- what NTs (who are not familiar with autism) mean by the term. The colloquial use of "social skills" means "codes of social conduct". You have to teach a little kid to share and say "please" and "thank you". You don't have to teach an (NT) little kid to gauge Mommy's mood just by looking into her eyes. That knowledge comes hard wired. And so this very profound difference can externally present as a pretty minor difference, easily overcome with a bit of education and trying harder. A rigorous explanation that focuses on the actual wiring differences is the only way for an NT to come anywhere near something like understanding.

Were I to tell you that I am colour blind, would you know what that means, and how it affects my life day to day?
Chances are even if you say yes; you’d be lying to me or to yourself or both. Unless you have it, you can only think about it in the abstract, and unless you have it you’d not have a bloody clue.
So don’t get all bent out of shape because someone not affected by Asperger syndrome, doesn't understand your lame explanation of a random bunch of thing that you don’t fully understand yourself.
Without using any colour descriptives, comparatives or colour related superlatives
Explain to me the red of a rose or the blue of late summers evening. (and don’t try and explain wavelength or light temperature as even you cannot tell me that a colour feels like in the 400 - 700 nanometers wave length.
Accept that people don’t understand and move on; learn to explain in a frame of reference they can understand.

That's why you need to make sure you know who to tell that too. I assume you just didn't walk one day on the street and told that woman. It takes time and patience to determine whether that certain person will undertstand. I know I am a good judge of personallity so I know who to trust and who not to. If I were you I would tell only my closest most best friend/s about AS. And only if I know those friend/s will understand.

VERY well said and i totally agree

I have tried a few times to explain what having mild aspergers is to this lady I know. She is very nice, and well meaning, but she doesn't get it so I finally gave up.

I told her how in school I had trouble making friend because of my AS, and she says things like "well everybody feels awkward at that stage. I think people don't realize that everybody feels awkward, and not just themselves".

That may be true but there are clear difference between normal awkward stages of growing up, and dealing with AS. I had no friends, other kids did. I couldnt develop normal relationships with women, other boys/men my age did.

Why does she just not understand this? Why do people in general just not understand, even after you explain it to them? I really hate it when she says stuff like "everyone went through what you did"...NO THEY DIDNT, YOU IDIOT!

Why do people like her minimize what AS is?

Above:Copied

If everyone goes through the 'same thing', the same processess then 1) we really are just this big, homogenized group of humans (which, of course, is a horrible denial of the undeniable reality that humans come in many 'varieties') and 2) that all those experts who've 'discovered', diagnose, and 'treat' Asperger's have perpetuated fraud to the public at large - to the world! --Imagine all the shock and horror and indignation for that last item especially. Glad I didn't invent the concept/term of 'Asperger's'.

Frankly, I've decided that I'm not the 'default' educator-of-the-ignorant regarding Asperger's just because I 'have' it. Because I 'have' it, I may actually be the least-effective source for teaching others about it (at least, those who are verbal-centric). Citing one or more sources for the questioner to get answers from (in the way more/most conducive to them) has, several times now, kept me from the stress of giving out so-called 'lame' answers AND has diverted questioners from arguing (while still uninformed about Asperger's, the nerve/arrogance of that...) that I don't 'have' it. If they go away, then come back having done some of the 'homework' (i.e. took a few moments to look up one of the references, for instance), and indicate interest in still pursuing a friendship with me, then I can see there's a definite possibility of a positive result. If they don't do such as that, then I turn the encounter into just me having been tipped that the questioning was done out of idleness or as an ingrained (knee-jerk) reaction...with little thought or intent to follow-through and I react/respond accordingly.

I am not exactly bothered if someone doesn't understand Aspergers, but if someone is making fun of me because I have Aspergers, that's when I get pissed.

You completely missed the entire point of my post. Congrats.

No, I don't understand what it's like to be color blind. That's why I wouldn't say something like "Lots of people have trouble with colors". That would be ignorant.

Now apply "Lots of people have trouble with colors" to "Lots of people have trouble making friends". understand why I'm frustrated now?

Next time try to pay attention a little better before going off into a rant about my "lame explanations". If you want to make a point about how I can explain myself better, by all means I am happy to read to what you have to say. But again, you missed the point. I DON'T PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE COLOR BLIND, and I expect people who don't have AS to PRETEND that they understand what it's like either.

But people who don't have AS do INDEED pretend to know what it's like. I don't do that. Do you get it now? Because obviously, you didn't comprehend my original post whatsoever.

Have a nice day.

If you are not part of the solution maybe you are part of the problem.
All these people who don’t understand you, do you really honestly think, I meant really think, deep down that it is everyone else’s fault, honestly hundreds of bright switched on different people who are well intendioned, bright, friendly, and patient enough to listen to you and still not able to understand. Maybe because you didn't make it clear, you expect people to understand you, yet you fail to post/explain it in any kind of rational way.
Try taking a deep breath and explain it in a calm and rational manner.

You don’t like it when people pretend to understand your explanation of what it feels like to be you and what it is to have AS?
Or is it that you feel they are making light of it?

I’m 47 and I don’t understand what it is like to be me and to have AS, so how could anyone who doesn’t live inside my head understand it.
Men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men, 99.9999999% of the world doesn’t understand what the other 99.9999999% of the world think.
Contrary to what you may feel/pretend to feel not understanding is all too normal, however not throwing a hissy fit, and stomping off (which doesn’t help anyone) and slowing and surely educating people is the only way to improve your lot. Try and explain it to yourself is the only way to see if what you are saying is what you really mean to say. If you don’t understand it, then how in blue blazes is anyone else meant to?

Typing in capital letters (shouting) and claiming to ‘own’ some other poster does not engender any kind of adult response.