In Tears... Is this TRUE about Aspie?

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Wait a minute...

So if social interactions aren't supposed to be about exchanging information, then what are they about?

Wow. This completely blows my mind.

I was always under the belief that man created words so that ideas could be exchanged effectively.

To the OP:

Please don't let you get yourself worked up about this. It's easy to panic and forget that you do know already who you're SO is. All any book on Asperger's can do is to explain traits he already has, he will not suddenly magically manifest a whole series of personality attributes he doesn't have just because they are listed in the book. As others have said, 1. the book is a generalization and sometimes stereotyped, and 2. people with Asperger's are as diverse as people in the general population. It's like picked up a book describing the typical woman and saying - there! All women fit that prototype.

If you have known your SO for a year, then you probably already have a good indication of his personality. Have the two of you ever lived together before? If you haven't tried living with him, then things may change in some ways in terms of routine - he may need more time out/alone time, or perhaps a space of his own in the house. The increased interpersonal contact could be tiring. This will not change his feelings towards you, and will not suddenly make him non-affectionate towards you.

I'd also like to point out that even NT people frequently need time and space alone, and especially many men do. That's why the word "Man-Cave" was coined to describe the study, garage or workshop of most typical NT males. It's not like only Aspies need quiet time by themselves, right?

Speaking of which, you can't blame the current 50% divorce rate on Aspies either. I think it's ridiculous to worry about an Aspie no longer loving you, when the fact is that around 50% of NT men would dump you, cheat on you, or abuse you. No one reads a book about domestic violence and goes to their innocent boyfriend and cries, "OMG this book says you're going to beat me in the future because you're male!! !"

I don't think that you need to be worried. You already know your partner. You already know what level of interaction, affection, commitment and love you are experiencing. The book is generally well-regarded, and makes a generalized point about how many people perceive relationships with people with Asperger's, but this is not your experience. Attwood is not talking about how people change as they age, or how relationships develop (people with Asperger's are notoriously inflexible), but how many relationships are from the outset. If you have a happy relationship now, then it is not going to become unhappy in the future because of Asperger's.

>Although the couple are living together, conversations may be few, and primarily involve the exchange of information rather than an enjoyment of each other's company

Conversations are few. But everything that needs to be said can be on a regular basis.
Information can include: I love you. I was thinking about you today. I missed you.
And if this is presented as information, you can trust that it's true.


>enjoyment of each other's company, experiences, and shared opinions

An opinion doesn't have to be shared to be discussed.

We don't have to talk about the time we went out of town to have it mean something.

And if he didn't enjoy your company he wouldn't be with you. Enjoyment of each other's company? Why is this here, I don't even...


>'My pleasure doesn't come from an emotional or interpersonal exchange.'"

Discussing my co-worker's boyfriend with my SO wouldn't be a bonding experience for sure. It may be emotional or interpersonal for some people, but for me it is just awkward and demeaning.


These sentences also manage to leave out the fact that there can often be a loyalty and honesty in the relationship that is unheard of with NTs. That with fewer social bonds, the few that are maintained are often treasured and valued in a uniquely dedicated way. That long term interests and single mindedness with a focus on routine can mean that your partner will actually remember to tell you that he appreciates you decades down the line.

Not always true, but these things, I think, are as universal as what Tony describes.

The thing is with these sorts of books (I don't mean any disrespect to them), they usually seem to bunch everything into catagories, including people, even when they can't be catogorised effectively. They always seem to say "these sorts of people are like this and will therefore be like this and they will do this". I think these sorts of books are good for use as a guide, but one cannot simply live by them. You must take bits and bobs from various sections that suit you, as everyone is different. And no book can get everyone exactly right with it's description.
I sometimes feel like these books sort of forget that people with Asperger's etc. are still people with very different personalities, shaped by many things in their environment throughout their life, and a medical condition doesn't define a person.

My girlfriend is diagnosed with Asperger's, but this doesn't worry me at all in the slightest. I feel a deep connection with her, that I've never felt with anyone else. And I have absolutely no worries about the future either.

So my advice would be to just simply remember that your partner is a human being, and people shouldn't think of a list of symptoms when they think about people with Asperger's.

I've swapped emotional, romantic sweet nothings with partners, I've listened empathically, I've been a great comfort to some people by giving nothing but myself to them. Those have been the best moments of my life.

It took me years to get what the emotive thing is about, but basically anybody can do it.

Attwood exagerrates sometimes, and contradicts himself. He raises a valid point - he identifies just the kind of Spock-like crap that we can serve up to poor unsuspecting loved ones - but it doesn't have to be like that. If you want to learn to relate enough,. then you will get there.

I find this quite accurate. From the NT partner's point of view the AS partner will look distanced since the exchange of experiences,shared opinions and small talk will be almost zero.

The last sentence is a bit incorrect at least in my case. Yes, my pleasure does not come from interpersonal or emotional exchange when it comes in verbal form.. it comes from actions.

If you are experiencing the lonelyness or distancing from him when you try verbal communication you could try less talking and more doing. A hug may mean more to him than sitting down for 30 minutes talking about your relationship. Cuddling could very well be a lot more effective for emotional exchange than an hour long talk about feelings. Sprinkle some light verbal chat on the subject while doing the above and both of you can get what you want the way you want it.

I'll tell you this though.. if he did not enjoy your company, didn't love you or didnt like you he would not be with you. We're quite binary in nature.

This is what stuck out to me the most in this book and this scares me: "I observed a situation where a husband with Asperger's syndrome was sitting next to his wife, who was in tears. He remained still and did not offer any words or gestures of affection. Later when I discussed this situation with him, and asked if he noticed that his wife was crying, he replied, 'Yes, but I didn't want to do the wrong thing.'"

Last edited by CheshireCat1 on 24 Jun 2011, 11:20 am, edited 2 times in total.

[quote="CheshireCat1]"his wife was crying, he replied, 'Yes, but I didn't want to do the wrong thing.'"[/quote]

Don't ever lash out at him when he tries to comfort you and you will never have to worry about this.

Or if when you are emotional you always make a point of saying "I'm upset." or "I'm angry." If the situation is clearly defined there should be no issues as would result from emotional guesswork.

That's true. Thanks. That makes me feel a bit better.


Well I find that extremely disturbing and upsetting. You don't enjoy someone saying "I love you. You are so special to me."...? When/if you have a later on, your baby's first words would be, "Daddy, I love you". That wouldn't give you pleasure? How could it not? That is devastating. Hearing those words gives one an immense, immense amount of pleasure that I only wish you could experience that feeling at least once.

Good point... Aspies are known for giving direct and factual answers so you would find out exactly how he feels with a minimum of effort. I for one am highly driven by emotional and interpersonal exchange, but I am only half-Aspie with some NT traits too. I am highly affected by the social isolation and obsessions, moderately affected by the cognitive delays but only mildly affected in the communications related traits.

In that quote, I put in bold what sticks out to me the most. I'm a female aspie, but I can definitely relate. I really do care, and I often want to comfort people very badly, but my awkwardness and fear of screwing up will often make me hesitate. That doesn't mean I don't give a damn, and that could very well be true for your guy as well.

I might have some encouragement, and I will ask my wife to review this thread and comment as well. I have been in the EXACT SAME spot as the account you cited, with the Aspie husband unable to respond to the emotional wife, as he didn't want to "do the wrong thing". The problem is that I cannot figure out what to do unless I am told in words what the problem is, and how I can respond in a way that will soothe or help. I cannot read minds, or body language. Not even my wife's. But the good news is that with understanding and cooperation, we have (God willing), the best imaginable relationship, Aspie/NT or otherwise.

I appreciate on behalf of other Aspie halves of relationships, that you took the time to come here! I know if you did that, you can certainly keep and grow your relationship 100% successfully if you want to. You will find out that the strengths in an Aspie can outweigh the lack of empathy, and empathy CAN be learned. It just takes full understanding and patience. My wife hopefully can put some more on this, when she gets some time maybe later today.

Charles

Thank you so much for this post! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I look forward to your wife's input also . Thanks so so much!

You talk alot about what you fear but you have already been in this relationship for over a year. What has your experience in the relationship been like? Is he sensitive to your feelings? Does he he ignore them? Does he get quiet and seem confused about them? Why are you putting so much weigh into a book that is speaking in broad generalizations - and states as much in the preface. Asperger's is very much a spectrum with each individual having different strengths and weaknesses. The words in that books are meant to explain situations you may already be in - not predict the future.

Bottom line - many AS guys have lots of feelings. Part of the 'disorder' is that he doesn't know how to express them or becasue of past rejection and failures, he may be extremely nervous about how to go about it. If this is an issue in your relationship it may be as simple to work through as simply realizing - you need to connect the dots for him. He may not be able to connect the dots on his own. If you are upset and need his comfort - just ask. "Honey, I'm pretty upset. Could I have a big squeezy hug?", "Hold me, I'm feeling lonely..." - if you teach him these things, he will learn them. He will learn how to anticipate your needs. He may not understand it - because he does not experience emotions in the same way you do but that isn't an indication of how much he cares. He will most likely do whatever he can to make you happy. You just need to guide him to what that might be.

No book can diagnosis your relationship. Go with your gut feelings and try to remember - he most likely does not HAVE 'gut feelings' to guide him. That is part of the disorder. It does not mean he has no feelings or doesn't care - it only means that the programming your brain came with at birth to understand feelings in yourself and others was never downloaded into his. You may need to type the programming code into his memory banks manually...