the pain runs deep

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Run don't walk away from this person. You are not a "project" for someone to fix or change to suit them. If you are struggling with parts of life write yourself a to do list and start working on things you want to see happen for you. Schedule it even so it is manageable and you don't get overwhelmed. Some of this is stressful and hard but you will feel a lot better about yourself if you give yourself tools to make your life better. And by better I mean better to you. Living your life to please someone else will only cause you pain and regret. I stayed with a guy for five years who was always trying to fix me. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone again and it was the first and to current date only relationship I'd been in. I now regret being in it for that long and wish I'd ended it much sooner. I found out later I missed some opportunities to form relationships with others that would probably have worked out much better. There is a difference between helping you help yourself and controlling you. Honestly you would be much better off getting assistance from a professional who understands AS than someone you seem to think you're in a relationship with that doesn't seem to know this.

A lot of what she was saying and how she was saying it was really mean spirited. She repeatedly puts you down, and talks down to you -- I wouldn't put up with that.

Anyone can "strive to thrive" but taking a harsh, overly critical tone with Aspie or NT either one will get you nowhere. If an NT hates it what makes you think it would do an Aspie any good? We are all human beings despite our differences!

I see you added this while I was writing my previous post -

You can't change things caused by Asperger's. You can learn coping skills and adapt and work around them, but that takes cognitive effort that can accumulate additional stress over time and lead to burnout if there's never a break from it. Some things are a matter of not knowing because it's implicit, rather than explicit knowledge. That is stuff that "everyone knows" because they pick it up. I know I have a very uneven pattern of these, and many of them I do not know until I am explicitly told. Once I know, I really do know, but if I do not, it's not because I am being obtuse or stubborn.

Also, your scare quotes aren't really necessary. If he has AS, it's a very good chance he really was confused and not "confused". I find that things many people consider to be "common sense" can confuse me, and I think that this is actually typical for people on the autistic spectrum.

Anyway, I'm not going to argue what he can or cannot learn or which skills he can or cannot improve. I do not know him so I cannot predict. However, treating him as if these things are personal failings on his part, as if he's oppositional and defiant and simply choosing not to improve these things is not going to improve anything. If you're deciding what he is and is not choosing to do and what he is and is not capable of and telling him these things you're not doing him any good and certainly not helping much.

All too often, friends and family members learn that someone has a particular condition (ADHD or AS, for example) and misunderstand that management is much more work than just deciding to do things differently, and start making incredible demands on the people with these conditions, refusing to or failing to take into account the fact that people with these conditions have cognitive limits and tend to hit exhaustion after much less effort than neurotypicals. NTs then see us (people with these conditions) able to do things we actually enjoy for hours at a time without pause and don't understand that there are legitimate neurological reasons why some activities are much easier to perform than others, and that it is not as simple as deciding to and executing the decision to change. It is a lot of work, and often we're left to do this work on our own with little or no support, but a lot of expectations that we should be able to fix things on demand. But because we can do some things easily and others are very difficult, we are treated as if we're being oppositional or stubborn or lazy or otherwise morally flawed, and the truth that these are actually disabilities that cause impairments in daily functioning get ignored or forgotten.

I am not saying these things are impossible to do, not in the least. Learning new skills is definitely possible, but learning one has a diagnosis is just the beginning.

And reading books - especially on a schedule set by someone else - is not going to provide most people with all the tools they need to improve the skills they need to work on. Just finding book on Asperger's Syndrome is going to - at best - explain what Asperger's Syndrome is like. Many have suggested strategies, but those take time to implement.

I don't think an NT could learn and change as fast as I have seen NTs expect from autistic people. How do you change a lifetime of ingrained habits in a matter of days or weeks? How does that work? How does it work when change itself is difficult? How does it work when the most supportive person in one's life is doing nothing but hurling insults, invective, and tearing down every effort?

Last edited by Verdandi on 30 Jul 2011, 4:21 am, edited 2 times in total.

Screw her. She doesn't give you any respect, so why bother with her? She has no right to say those things to you, because she is the NT one. She doesn't understand what it's like to have Aspergers.
In conclusion, screw her!

Ok I am a woman, a feminist at that...and I think this woman you have falling head over heels for is really toxic to you. She in an abusive control freak! She is all worried about having her picket fence dream with a strong protector/provider and she feels stuck with you trying to turn you into Mr Surburbia. However she says she studied all this about AS but misses one point. It is a developmemtal/social disorder...you cant just wave a majic want and make it go away. It is part of you. You really dont need her. You think you do because you dont want to imagine life without someone one right now. But lonliness is not near as bad as putting up with abuse. Trust me if you stay with her, she will only get worse, your self esteem and self worth are at risk here.
Abuse is abuse. whether it comes from a woman or a man....she is going to kill your self esteem if you stay with her. Verbal/emotional abuse is alot more damaging in the long run than physical abuse. Bruises heal, broken bones mend, but some words can not unheard.

Btw, you sound like a nice guy, although you seem to have trouble with exeutive functioing disfunction...which you cant b*tch someone to get better at. B*tching never "healed" anyone.

ditch her, it will hurt, but maybe she will be glad you took the initative.
She is not the great person you think she is...she is rather narcisistic if you ask me.

Jojo

I've only read the first few posts but I've seen enough. This woman is nasty and abusive. Nobody needs someone like that in their life.

In fact I could not read all of her comments to you toward the end...it just made me physically sick to my stomach. You really need to leave her, she is a crazymaker.

He says he doesnt think he has Aspergers. So maybe he just has difficulties with alot of things

I used quotes with the word confused because when I asked him why he signed a paper agreeing to go to court with the manager....he just gave me a blank look. So I took that as he is confused. But I'm really not sure because he never said. He didnt know what to say. This kind of stuff happens alot of the time with him unfortunately. So instead of watching him get screwed over again and again, I have tried to help him find ways to handle certain situations. Cognitive thinking. He also sold a guy his car, but didnt get the title transferred over. So he gave the guy the keys BEFORE the guy paid him for the car. And before he switched the title. You can imagine what happened. He actually had to go to court for tickets that the new owner had racked up. But because he never transferred the title, it went on OP's record. Also he has tried many times to get the money owed to him for the car, but the guy ignores him. Yes, again, he got taken advantage of. As a friend, it kills me to watch these things happen. These are some examples of things that need to be worked on. But I guess now I will decide to stop helping him. He refuses to admit that he has Aspergers. A doc even mentioned to us both that he probably has that. But what do I know lol!

OP dont be with a girl that has no patience for your setbacks. I know that you two were only friends, but it seems you convinced yourself it was more. When a girl tells you that she only wants to be friends, you have to understand that. Also, find someone who is more on your level is my only advice.

That kind of thing happens to me all the time. People think I'm being rude or stupid, but it isn't the case. I'm taking a long time to process what has been said, or I can't form the appropriate reply as the words just won't flow.



Again, happens with me all the time. Executive dysfunction. Bad planning. Sometimes you'll miss steps or get them in the wrong order or your mind wanders when you are doing something, because issues with working memory and concentration are common for those with aspergers. Nothing in the world is ever going to make me any better at these tasks as it is a physical difference in my brain. All the will in the world will achieve nothing.

Like others have said, the best you can do is learn about yourself and your weaknesses and find strategies that will help.

Charlie Brown, your girlfriend sounds INCREDIBLY like my (shortly to be EX) WIFE! Her hatred for you seems pretty clear to me!
Even though I was already married to her when I got my diagnosis, and she claimed to accept it, she talks hateful to me most of the time, and is putting her complete trust in one of my ex- girlfriends (who obviously hates me), and basically letting that ex girlfriend tell her everything to do (to divorce me)! I've told her she cannot be trusted, but she trusts her more than me!
I've caught my soon to be ex in several lies in the past few months, too.
I KNOW how it feels to be both used and abused....

Even if he's not autistic, it's possible to have a condition like ADHD or sluggish cognitive tempo that causes executive function difficulties similar to what you've described.



I don't understand what you mean by "Cognitive thinking."

It's certainly good to help, if you are being helpful.

One thing I find frustrating is that I am aware of things that confuse me and even how they confuse me, but when I am in the middle of being confused I don't typically have the ability to step aside from the frustration and confusion and deal with it. I usually have to leave it alone so I can come back later, possibly having worked out how I am supposed to do it, or have help.



From your previous post, it sounded like you expected instant, immediate changes - like, "You know what the problem is, stop letting it happen." Which has happened to me, and for many things is simply impossible.

And I have done so many things like what he did with selling his car (but not selling his car, nothing that expensive). It is pretty frustrating when I realize my mistake afterward, but in the moment it is extremely easy to miss those things because the information for each step may not be explicitly connected to the other steps. I am not sure if I can even probably describe that, but it comes across as lacking common sense, because the information - despite being information I do know - is not available to me at that particular moment.

Anyway, I am not advising you whether you should stop helping the OP or not, I was trying to describe the kinds of help that cause more harm than good.

If people really want to help him why not encourage him to ask for help, rather than berating him for not knowing something? The kind of verbal abuse posted by the OP (assuming he is truthful) is extremely counterproductive. I mean, why the hell would I ask for help with learning life skills issues if I constantly live in fear of being condescended to, berated, and basically called an idiot to my face?

Oh, indeed. I've spent years hiding the gaps in my skills. I remember on one occasion I accidentally let slip one little thing and the person I was talking to who is someone I still like and respect, and as far as I know still likes and respects me (or did three years ago, we haven't talked since because I lose touch with people), started to say some extremely judgmental things, and since I had no way to explain it I just laughed it off.

If the woman is approaching or over 30, it's pretty easy to understand why she's freaking out. Even if she's ranting and raging, she brings up some pretty important concerns that will make or break the future of any relationship.

My apologies to the OP, but this woman is ready to settle down and raise a family. If you love her, let her go. You'll both be happier in the long run. She's not breaking up with you to "punish" you for doing something wrong, she's breaking up with you because you two are heading down two very different paths in your future.

I completely agree with Buck-oh