aspie small talk

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I almost always tell people exactly how I am when they ask that question. Depending on who it is, I will go into detail. Excruciating detail. The lady at the grocery store now knows to expect that. If I'm in a bad mood, people get "Fine, yourself?" but otherwise, they are gonna know!

The thing is, I KNOW they don't really want to know, but it's like I will explode if I just don't answer it. It's the same feeling I get when I don't point out an obvious mistake that I feel really needs to be corrected. I also know that at times people really want to know, like if you have just had a tragedy in your life and a close friend asks you how you are doing. Then, I know it's socially acceptable to tell them everything. I don't wait for that opportunity. I go for it every chance I get usually.

This kind of thing is how I got the reputation for being strange. People get used to it.

Frances

I should probably wear lots of black and sneer when I come across any garlic.

Yes. I prefer large talk or silence. It confuses me when friends or acquaintances seem bored or angry when I bring up certain subjects that are normal to me. "Critical thinking" (apparently this is all my thinking) seems to not be able to casually enter a conversation. As stated before this "casual" talking is rather boring. I rarely ask people about how things are going in life, but if I do I over do it. It's either a 15 minute conversation with 1 or 2 people, or complete silence. I can deal with 3 people at most, and that's only if I know them closely. Any more than that and it's just silence. Never in between. Either carry on a long intelligent conversation or say nothing at all and look at the ground.

> I go for it every chance I get usually.

That's what she said.

Today, I was telling two friends of mine about strangelets and quark stars, and one of them replied with how she got a new discount on jeans - which not only seems unimportant, but also further uninteresting to me as a male. The other friend noted the oddity of the significant difference between the two topics. I think this emphasizes the difference between how NT's and Aspies enjoy a conversation. I've trained myself to use greetings through repetition though. For example, when somebody asks me "How are you?" in a situation in which I expect them to I'll answer with a sort of subconsciously responsive "I'm well" from repetitive experience. But if, say, a stranger asks it or somebody I know asks it in a situation I'm not familiar with I'll either ignore it, or I'll give a lengthy response, mostly because I don't have that scripted response and expectations based from daily patterns. I'm usually described as most awkward, and to myself most nervous after a vacation because of this; since my daily pattern has changed. I remember in 9th grade, I had to make up a test I missed in my school's library. The librarian, whom actually seems to like me now that she knows my personality type and natural social difficulties, was VERY insulted because I didn't respond to her greeting of,"Hello, how are you?" and when I instead inquired about how I would go about taking my test. I absolutely couldn't understand why she was so angry with me. It persisted on my mind for much of that day. Good thing I knew the memory-based material on the test, because if it was required for me to implement any analytic skills I would have done horribly from this distraction and confusion. I've been instilling upon myself that if something doesn't make sense, and I've already asked multiple people why it occurs with responses that are similar as a result, just accept it as natural, store it in my memory, and move on. For the most part this has helped, but in other situations it can actually be a detrimental process. Regardless, I will never be able to participate in small talk in groups. Usually when that occurs, I just let the other two or more people converse among each-other until the topic switches to something more substantial.

As much as I try to practice "How are you?" it's usage in small talk bothers me enormously, although for the opposite reasons as you, Stefan.

I often use the "how are you" to gauge a person's current emotional state. If they describe being in a pleasant humour, I feel that I do not have to tread carefully around them and tone my natural inclinations down. If they describe an ill humour, or describe bad events that recently happened, I try to make more time to listen to them today and not share my special interests and revelations with them today, or crack my corny jokes at them.

But, oftener than not, a person merely responds with "I'm fine." The standard response. They load "I'm Fine" with facial expressions and tone of voice that are supposed to indicate that they are, in fact, not fine. Since I don't pick up very well on these things, if their "I'm fine" sounds slightly "off"¹ or just too automatic, I will typically say something along the lines of "That didn't really sound "fine." Is anything matter?"

Or worse, they respond with "Not much," which is an answer to the question "What's going on?" a question I didn't ask. This upsets me. I have grown to the point where I rarely reprimand someone for answering the wrong question, but still it annoys me. When someone answers "How are you?" with "Not much," I have learned that there is little point in talking to them today. They won't be listening.

If this happens with an individual often, after a time² I will let them know that I am asking that question sincerely and honestly want to know how they are feeling.

-
¹ Ways in which "I'm fine" can sound insincere: Low pitch to voice or mumbled (indicates sadness), Hard, quick and nasal (frustrated or angry)
² Perhaps two consistent weeks of insincere responses

When someone says "How are you?", I am able to easily say "Fine" just to get it over with because chances are I don't really want to talk and I know they are just fulfilling a predetermined ritual anyway. I have more trouble with a reciprocal "How are you" because I really wasn't wondering and again I really don't want to talk. Although, I know that chances are the other person would likely respond with a a simple "Fine". It just feels false. I much prefer a simple "Hi" to acknowledge the other person and then to move on.

Yes, "Hi" is very effective in passing. Polite, yet aloof.

"How are you?" is better to set the tone before a real conversation, though. Such as when you are about to begin work on a project with a person or group of people.

I'm somewhat good at restraining myself and avoiding the urge to launch into a verbal dissertation about the dysfunctional way Sprint implemented their wimax-EVDO hand-offs, Linux kernel architecture, high-speed rail, feline cancer, tornado activity in South Florida, the dangers of deflation, or some other topic I've amassed huge amounts of knowledge about and limiting myself to answers like "fine" when somebody asks how I am, but that means I have a really major problem keeping a small-talk conversation alive. I can ritualistically keep a SMS conversation alive for hours (I've entertained the prospect of trying to automate it with an Android app to analyze a recent conversation history and suggest responses based on what I've already said to them), but my real-life small-talk conversations tend to just kind of flop around like a dying fish on a hot sidewalk when they say something, and I can't think of a good response.

In small groups, my best weapon (carefully rationed, used sparingly, and almost 100% effective) is "That's what she said". Laying in wait and watching for the opportunity gives me something to do besides bite my tongue and fight the temptation to try and change the topic to something more interesting (to me), and it seems to work amazingly well as an ice breaker. As one person put it, it's the universal all-purpose joke, capable of working in almost any context besides a court trial for sexual harassment

One thing I've noticed is that if there are a couple of other aspies in a mixed aspie-NT group, the aspies will latch on to it, and 6 minutes later every other sentence ends up being "That's what she said." -- ultimately, escalating into a vigorous game whereby the aspies try to trick a NT (especially one with ADHD, but not Aspergers) into saying it in response to something inappropriate that makes it sound like "she" was making fun of them. It gets even more fun when/if the girls decide to join in with "that's what HE said" (exceptionally rare, but it happens occasionally), because then it's even easier to try and trip someone up with the wrong response

The true purpose and point of small talk is everything in Burnbridge's posts (too numerous to quote). It is most likely why small talk evolved in the first place. It serves a similar community-building purpose on WP even if the content is somewhat different. The entire Random forum is pure small talk, rather than deep information exchange. It even sometimes has threads about the weather.

First of all, I need to say that this site is so amazing. I'm seeing topics left and right where people are talking about the same things that I'm experiencing that have made me feel so alone.

quaker, I feel you. Small talk is usually about trivial things. My friend put it to me this way (paraphrasing): "People are uncomfortable with silence, because they feel that the other person is expecting them to talk all the time. That's why we talk about the small stuff". Small talk is basically there to make you and the person you're with feel more comfortable. Silence is just awkward.

This isn't to say small talk isn't good. It can actually say a lot about the person. Someone might say something that sounds like small talk, but they really want you to ask them about themselves. Like, I may start the small talk with "So....what kind of music do you like?". It may not be because I really want to know what the person likes, but because I want the person to ask me what I like, so we can eventually get to tell them about my burning passion for music and being a musician. It sounds selfish, but it works both ways and it can turn into some amazing conversations.

That took me forever to understand and I still have a hard time not thinking of it as trivial.

Do you also have a hard time starting small talk?