The definition of bullying.

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AdamDZ, Check a few posts back. I explained about that in my second post.

Sure, I agree with this, but you're kind of splitting hairs here. For gosh sakes, SOME reasonability and judgment has to come into play.

Oh, sorry. I didn't get that far. I should have read the whole thread first

i would consider that bullying, yes. it's no different from gossip, which is a powerful form of bullying.

No worries. I do that too. Who has time to read every post in every thread?

This is a really good point. Intentional behavior that is not meant to be bullying, is still intentional behavior. If someone makes it known that they feel bullied by it, and the other person chooses to continue, from that point on they are choosing to bully the other, even if the original intent wasn't to do that.

Maybe the distinction to make is not intentional vs. unintentional, but conscious vs. unconscious. A person who is unconsciously looking for a target to take out their aggression, might deny that they are being a bully when confronted because they do not want to change the behavior.

Some gossip is idle chitter chatter stemming from some very bored minds and some gossip is spread to hurt another. It varies.

Two scenarios:

1. The neighbours in my area are terrible gossips but are actually quite sweet and friendly sometimes (one helped me out without my asking recently and was really rather nice about it)

2. I have had rumours spread around about me by a group of internet bullies. The same ones who set up the blog about the other lady and the same ones who harassed another lady I used to speak to for a number of years. The rumours were false and were used as a way to incite hatred from others. This was not harmless gossip stemming from bored minds it was done in a most vindictive and vicious way.

For example. I posted a blog post about EVP (electronic voice phenomenon) and they took that, twisted it and declared that I was hearing voices. I did try to explain that what had occurred was nothing more than pareidolia (the recognition of patterns in random stimuli or events....or in this case the effect of anomalous background noises being interpreted by the brain as a human voice. It is the same pretty much as seeing a human face in the formation of a cloud and is a psychological process that is normal, not abnormal) but they insisted that I was obviously schizophrenic and started spreading that around.

I have never been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I do not hear voices or have hallucinations, I have been on antidepressants but not anti psychotics...my drs usually think me too reasonable when I meet with them in person. Neither have I been in a psychiatric unit of any kind.

I even provided them links about the phenomenon of pareidolia but to no avail. Now, either they have the IQ of an amoeba or they were being deliberately spiteful.

This is only one example of many I have from the same group of people and I am not the only one they have done it too. There are other witnesses.

Compared to those people my neighbours are not even an annoyance. They are just bored people looking for something to spice up their day lol.

Last edited by bumble on 01 Dec 2011, 10:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I understand where you are coming from, I'm going to play the devil's advocate for a second though. If gossip, which is usually between two or three people and said privately and among people who are receptive to hearing the "latest news" is against rules at schools and workplaces, wouldn't that be a little close to stepping on freedom of speech? People may have said the same things about banning racial and ethnic and religious slurs too, but those seem to be taken for granted as derogatory. If gossip is banned and labeled bullying, that would include something like "Julie told Patsy that she's pregnant again! I wonder when she's going to tell everybody" just as much as spreading a mean rumor wouldn't it?

How would anybody differentiate between mean gossip and just chatting gossip?

Frances

Sometimes they really do not realise that what they are doing is hurtful or don't realise they are bullying.

Sometimes they do know they are being hurtful and are making a conscious choice to bully.

Sometimes they are merely going along with a pack.

Sometimes they are trying to protect themselves.

Sometimes they are seeking power.

Sometimes they are seeking control.

Sometimes they are not bullying at all, it is merely just the way the recipient perceives it.

Sometimes it is a misunderstanding.

Sometimes there is a big question mark and everyone is sat there scratching their heads not really knowing what is going on lol

someone being sweet and friendly sometimes doesn't change the fact that their gossip can be hurtful and damaging. to another individual, what the neighbours have done can be extremely distressing. it may not have felt like bullying to you, but it's not necessarily the same for everyone.

Does this mean you do not want me to hint to your neighbors that you are a vampire?



(God, I hope I have the usernames right from the other thread. If I don't, disregard this)

Frances

Bumble used the phrase "...being deliberately spiteful." That pretty much defines bullying as far as I'm concerned.

I have a friend who has cerebral palsy. We grew up together. He twitched all the time and twitched more when he got nervous. He also gets tongue-tied. High school was a nightmare for him. I remember a teacher yelling at him because he wouldn't sit still. He couldn't. People weren't sensitive back then. The cops hassled him all the time because they thought he was drunk. His dad punched him when he thought he was jerking around too much. And when he got hot for girls, how do you thing they treated him? Talk about being bullied by life.

Was it right? No. Does that change anything? No. Did the bullies win? Hell no. He'll tell you he's ok about it. He knows most people like him were kept behind closed doors back then. He considers himself one of the lucky ones. I see him every now and then. No one would blame him for being resentful but he's not. He's a happy man because he chooses to be happy.

Which one? All of them?

That may well be so. It may be to do with perception.

The gossip usually gets back to me, people mostly think I am weird for various reasons...Well in that instance they are not completely off the mark, even if the actual content of the gossip is a little off as it's based on assumption and not fact. I am a little weird...harmless weird, but yes I am quirky and weird. It's a similar situation to someone walking up to me (as I am over weight at the moment) and saying "you are fat because you over eat and don't exercise enough". A lot of people would find that offensive, but actually the person is quite correct, I am over weight because I eat too much and don't always exercise enough, so I would not be offended by their statement and would agree with it. Even so, yes some gossip is highly inaccurate, but I look at not just what is said but why and how it is said.

However the gossip that was being spread around in the second example was not true and was aimed at me in a down right vicious manner (combined with other things, there was a lot of other stuff going on, not just rumour spreading).

Intention is an important factor to me when judging someone's actions. I ask myself:

Did they mean to hurt me? Was that their aim or did they just make an honest mistake?
If it pertains to gossip, why are they gossiping? Are they attempting to purposely ruin my reputation out of spite or are they merely bored or mislead. Are they gossiping to find answers to their curiosity (because as I am told, I can be a bit a bit elusive and because of that I can be a bit of a puzzle to work out) or are they deliberately trying to put me down and humiliate me.
Are they nasty to me in other ways? and so on....

It makes a difference to me because sometimes it is intended to inflict harm and at other times it is not, people are just people and do what people do...in the latter case it does not hurt me and I can merely smile about it, let it slide and get on with my day (although I might speak quietly to them about what they are doing if I feel it could unintentionally hurt someone in the hopes they may reconsider their behaviour).

Now the neighbours may gossip but they have not been nasty to me, have not directly attacked me and have kindly helped me out on occasion (which I appreciate). They gossip (some don't work and get very bored, I know this because one of them seems to like telling me all their woes) but they don't make my life a misery like those bullies did.

You have the user names correct!

I am hatching a dastardly plan to convince the neighbours I am a creature of the night as I type so feel free to hint away lol.

I could do with several props...

Some bats, the more realistic the better.
A short hunch back to play the role of Egor my butler
and
A large poster of Christopher Lee as Dracula in the Hammer Horror films on which I can write "I obey you, Master" on in red blood coloured ink, so that I can place it in an easily viewable strategic location.

Any more suggestions welcome lol.

------

On bullying:

(yes I will light heartedly tease people if I get the opportunity but only if it does not really hurt their feelings).

And I think that is the difference between someone who bullies and someone who does not, I would stop if what I was doing was really hurting someone or causing them real emotional distress. Always up for a bit of harmless fun though lol