Learning to handle playful teasing / witty banter

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Oh yeah...it took me a long time to learn that people interpret sexual teasing that way. I thought people just did it to be funny. I cringe now thinking of all the times, I would joke around with men and they probably took it as flirting or who knows what they thought.

I went to a private religious school for a few years as a teenager. It was very repressive so to deal with it, some of us turned practically every comment anyone made into sexual innuendo. That's where I learned it and in that environment it was all talk and no action.

It took me YEARS to realize that people in the real world, outside of places like that, tease and hint at things because they actually mean to do those things. Sometimes teasing seems lighthearted, but underneath it people have serious intentions about what they are saying. They are just covering it up with teasing to hide how serious they are.

So I realized that's why I don't like teasing, because it's basically the same as someone wearing a mask. I can't tell what people really mean by it.

Thanks for the tip, but I'm 45 years old and have been observing people doing this my whole life. I see people do this, but it mystifies me how they think of responses, let alone instantaneous responses. What's even weirder is that I'm the sort of Aspie that for the most part "passes for NT." Married, family, job, accomplishments, a friend or two, articulate, etc.

I'm the same way. People who always joke around wear me out quickly and I get very annoyed. To me, this becomes obnoxious, but most NTs like it, I think.

I'm surprised with the number of Aspies here who have no problem with banter / teasing, or who have learned how to do it. I'd think it would be a very common problem because it involves so much non-literal use of language.

I 've always had a hard time knowing which was playful teasing and which wasn't I think I can handle it a little more now than I used too but sometimes I can't and then get annoyed.

If you get to spend alot of time around someone considered 'good' at this sort of thing, you'll notice that they use the same comments and comebacks quite often. they are skilled at knowing how often they 've used certain jokes in certain crowds and they refrain from overusing a particular line. they are also great mimics. they have highly tuner radar, always keeping an ear out for a funny line and a great quip to use for themselves. there are some people who are just that quick witted but I think they are the exception, not the rule. Natural born comedians are a fairly rare breed. The rest of them are just socially skilled actors. Once you learn to recognise it, your whole perspective of social interaction changes dramatically.

I'm talking about the type of people who are never totally serious. I've run into these kinds of people all the time. It's the kind of person where I'm not comfortable asking for help or advice because the one time I did ask for help I got an annoying flippant response. I don't know if it's arrogance, insecurity, or what.

I mean, I've been involved in social groups where there's someone who's always funny and sarcastic, and it's turned out okay when I joined in with the banter and yukity yuk. They're entertaining and all, but if you ever actually ask something of them you discover "wow, this guy is kind of an a**hole".

One of the only resources about this sort of thing is on websites that counsel guys on how to approach and flirt with girls. Since I'm happily married, this is not of any concern to me, but the whole idea of engaging with other people with banter is. One thing that I can glean from reading those sites is that a key aspect is "role playing." In other words, one role-playing game is to go up to a girl and start teasing her as if she is your annoying little sister, saying things like, "You're such a brat!" or "That's enough out of you! Go to your room!" Apparently guys can learn approaches like this, and it breaks the ice. They are then encouraged to keep bantering on with their own creations... (GASP!) I've never flirted with anyone in my life...thank God it was not a big-enough turn off to my wife. She's always doing this stuff with other people (not me) and no amount of additional observation will help me understand how to do it...I've seen a ton! She definitely does not have stock lines -- most people who do this well are very creative and pull the humor out of novel situations.

So, I shared this insight about role-playing with my wife, and she affirmed that that's basically how this sort of joking around works: you basically set yourself up to deal with someone else as if they are someone else, or as if the situation at hand is not actually what it is. This is a huge breakthrough for me in beginning to understand how this stuff works. Taking a perspective like this is very difficult for me, because when I'm in social situations all my mental resources are devoted to trying to track, interpret, and respond to verbal and non-verbal cues...and towards not screwing up. I think because so much attention is devoted to that stuff, that any ability to step out and "role play" is basically tamped down so I can understand what is happening in the real world. I think I also have processing speed deficits because in group conversations I fall behind and have been called "slow" or "two steps behind." I think that's why even the mildest "teasing" causes me to freeze and panic as I try (in vain) to steer the ship in the other (humorous, non-literal) direction. For example, I recently was introduced to someone with the same first name as me. He said, "That's a great name!" As soon as he said it, I felt like I was slapped in the face and I don't know how to respond. The same goes for a similar situation, in which I asked someone how he was doing, and he came up with some sort of joking, non-literal reply. I again was speechless, unable to respond to the sudden jump out of the "real world" into the "non-literal world" of interpersonal banter.

I do feel, however, that if I could begin to understand how people come up with their responses, in terms of thought process, that I could at least mimic other's ability in a few situations. I could start out slow, and try to increase my speed. I'm starting to get discouraged, because I haven't found much in the way of process - people just do it. It's starting to seem to me that either you have an ability (active or latent) to do this, or you don't.

I still have problems with it, even though I've learned how to do it. Often it is the fact that you say something that you literally do not mean. I find double meanings fascinating (like with sarcasm or irony). I also didn't say earlier, but it's easy to make a mistake and say something that really offends.

I also don't do it like dianthus said above to broadcast things I want to do. I also hate sexual teasing and innuendo.

Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I used to be on a private chat server in the late 90s with a lot of people like this. They'd often respond with flippant jokes when I'd ask for help with something I genuinely needed help with (and was one of the reasons the chat server was there) and the lack of useful replies was a common source of meltdowns for me. I was already frustrated and had used up all my own resources, turned to someone else, and they turned it into a game.

Reading this thread I'm realising I must have learned very young that it didn't matter what anyone said, they were going to believe whatever was in their head to begin with. Another win for crazy parents. It's literally impossible for me to take seriously anything I say, it's just words.

I kind of envy that, because that causes me significant stress, and has for much of my life. Not the most, by any means, but a lot.

I hate "playful" teasing and stuff like that. I was bullied a lot in school and I'm barely able at all to interpret teasing as anything but bullying or I take it literally.

At one point when I was depressed I'd take the teasing and exaggerate it to diss myself. A lot of people found that hilarious and thus I occasionally do that nowadays as well. Maybe try it too? Though, that is ought to get you to become the target of 80% all jokes in your current group of friends for the rest of the time you hang out with them. If you're the slightest bit unsure about taking this role (because of being bullied in the past, for example) it's better that you don't take it. Personally, I find it that it's more free to be the weirdo of the group since then everyone takes all your idiosyncrasies as jokes and thinks that on the inside, you're not actually that odd at all.

Hanyo,

I hear ya loud and clear. I wonder if I simply never developed the ability to banter because I took all teasing, including playful teasing, to be mean. I don't like people "playing" with me because I have always thought it to be negative at its core. Even playing that simply suspends reality for a second and is non-personal in nature. The teasing that is negative, you can turn to your advantage with a skillful comeback, which I seem to be incapable of doing either. I was also bullied and negatively teased a lot, starting in grade school and getting worse through high school, and because I never learned appropriate ways to respond, it battered my self-esteem. A couple of months ago, when I first brought this subject up with my wife, I actually said that "All teasing is mean and people shouldn't do it. It's no fun at all." That perception is why I don't playfully tease others, and when I do, it's usually misinterpreted because I'm so serious all the time. She was surprised that I felt that way, because that's not what people usually intend...it's a sign of acceptance, not rejection. I just saw it as rejection all the time.

My thought processes were actually pretty simple for these two responses.

The second response was me taking the comment seriously, thinking that Mom had started drinking for real. That was why I said that it is the much more likely response. I didn't even recognize any joking in the comment to produce this response, but the response is probably still funny, because I seem so gullible saying it.

The first response was me recognizing the comment as a joke and defaulting to the easiest way for me to respond. As soon as I hear the comment about Mom drinking, I see an image in my mind's eye of my mother drinking and ending up drunk, which I have never seen before and is indeed ridiculous and funny for my mother. So I just imitated what I saw in this little video clip, and it would probably be funny as well. This way, I don't even have to think of anything bantery to say. It's just repeating me what someone else said in a visual way, and as soon as I have responded, the pressure is off me, and it's up to someone else to carry on the banter. The way that someone else carries on the banter will be related to what I just did, so in the second round of the banter, when it's my turn to respond again, it will be easier for me to think of something bantery to say. It's like my little act gave me control of the banter, even though I was not the one who started it. If I had to respond on other people's terms, like if a third person was there and said something to take control of the banter before I did my little act, then I don't think that I would know how to respond at all.

I'm glad this came up. I almost forgot that I always felt this way throughout my life. I don't know what to do with this special kind of conscience, it would be always in the way to be able to get and do witty, playful banter. I lies so deep in my soul.