Fellow Aspies, Need help with possible Sociopath.

Post Reply New Topic

I didn't know much about sociopaths until I read this blog: http://country-of-liars.com/ It's about a man who has several sociopaths in his family, including an ex-wife and a sister, both of whom have targeted him and turned the rest of his family against him (including his own kids!) When I found it, I was shocked and fascinated. I guess sociopaths became my next "obsession"? I had to read all about them (if you're interested, I highly recommend the book "Evil Genes" by Barbara Oakley, btw.) I noticed they were pretty much my opposite in every way, so it took a while for me to make sense out of what it must be like in their heads...

But the study has served me well. At my last job, the store's owner was a sociopath. He took great delight in coming in, controlling people, yelling at them, and throwing hissy fits worthy of a 3 year old. He was the owner, he didn't have to pretend to be nice or hide his true self. But he loved manipulating people.

I used my knowledge to my advantage. I knew he searched for weaknesses. When he yelled at someone, he loved their reactions. I kept a stoic face, maintained eye-contact (despite it being so awkward), and didn't react. When he gave me a task, I got it done immediately and properly. It made him become bored with me, so he'd find other people to push around.

You have a different situation, and you should feel lucky he isn't your boss! (Though those types of people tend to find their way into positions of power, so be glad you're on his good side for now.) Do not allow him to see your weaknesses. Do not accuse him of being a sociopath! That's the number one way to become his next target. It seems right now that he knows you're different (but can't put his finger on why), but if he finds a reason to have a problem with you, he will find a way to make your life Hell.

It comes down to how comfortable you are. If you think you can handle keeping your true feelings to yourself and not showing him anything he can use against you, then there's no reason to break off from him. Just remember that it's a very dangerous walk to take. You can never truly call him a "friend", because he can very easily turn on you and throw you under the bus. He, himself, is #1 in his mind. You're just a useful person around him. If he does think you're like him, however, and actually seems to treat you better, there is a slim chance it could work out for you. For example, if he does get promoted and you're the next closest person to him, you're probably the next person he will grant power to. But like I said, it's a dangerous path. If you feel the risk is worth it, study up on the condition and be prepared to hide more of yourself than normal.

It's completely understandable if you're uncomfortable with that, too. In which case, back off politely as others here have been saying. I just figured I'd play "Devil's Advocate" for a moment and offer an alternative option. Either way, read up! We may not be able to put ourselves into their shoes, but understanding a bit of how their drives and desires work helps us understand and avoid troublesome situations.

CanisMajor,

Thanks, very informative, you are right, he seems to get very agitated when he does not receive the response he was looking for. It still bothers me that the others who are not aware of what he is can not defend themselves, and I however do not think it is right to tell them. This is so amazing and scary in way. Because I almost admire his ablity, but know he has evil intentions. It just reminds me of an Arch Nemesis of a hero out of a comic book from somewhere. lol - The thing is, some Aspie somewhere has hurt an NT before, but not on purpose, SP's do it intentially on purpose. But in the end, can we blame them for being the way they are, should we hate them? Our brain is wired differently just like theirs, should we not disown them for their differences, but keep them at arms length. Because we are outlawed in the normal world just as they are.

Yes, be careful making value judgements about good and bad in such circumstances.

People like this don't necessarily do things to be hurtful. That's just a side-effect. They do things through a desperate desire for success - it's all self-promotion to appease their own ego. They simply don't understand that the emotional consequences of their actions may be destructive, or indeed consider why that would matter. To them, it doesn't. Anything they do is automatically justified, because they're the one doing it and they ARE more important than anyone else.

All success is theirs personally, all problems are somebody else's fault.

They deserve to do better than you, because they ARE better than you. If they are ill, it is a national crisis - if you are ill, it is a weakness. Favours only work in one direction. Need I go on?

You're dealing with someone who is incredibly good at finding and exploiting weaknesses. Or, if they can't find a natural way in, of using the little information they have to CREATE artificial weaknesses, to promote their good reputation by damaging yours. For example, let's say you mention something trivial about a third person at work. They then create some elaborate rumour about you but include your words quoted out of context to lend it authenticity - "and then they said this" (which you can't deny) "... so it MUST be true".

Charming, manipulative, perceptive, intelligent, and with no regard for others except as tools to be used. The safest place to be is far away, but if you can't do that, stick to factual things regarding work and don't share anything else, or react in any way to anything that happens. Be useful, but not too useful. Not too subservient, but not a threat. Play everything exactly by the rules - if they instruct you to do anything, get it in writing. Try to always have someone else in the room as a witness.

Yes, it is that serious.

P.S. Forgot to say...

Interaction between Sociopaths and Aspies seems to be particularly perilous.

In many ways the two couldn't be more different. There's an almost inevitable tendency towards conflict, yet both seem to find each other fascinating, like moths to light bulbs.

Aspies tend to think they can figure out sociopaths, and adjust to work round them. We tend towards logic, consistency and order, to an unusually "black or white" degree, and being faced with someone who defies logic is fascinating and unsettling in equal measure. We may perhaps feel there are mutual lessons to be learned - skills to exchange. Perhaps a little charisma and public confidence might rub off, and we could offer some advice on planning ahead, not over-reacting, and thinking things through?

There are some similarities, too - fascination with the behaviour of others (from a rather detached viewpoint), above average intelligence, obsessiveness, difficulties forming or maintaining friendships, a certain naivety if wrong-footed. The underlying reasons are WAY different, but some of the behaviours are the same. So there's potentially some 'outsider' kinship mixed in with the morbid rolling car crash fascination and our desire to impose order. And sociopaths, being predatory, will exploit any opportunity they can get.

Don't be fooled. They've not really got anything in common with you. You won't be able to figure them out or pigeon-hole them, and nor will you be able to adjust your own behaviour and make compromises like you might with normal NTs. Any exchange of knowledge will be strictly one-way, and exploited for maximum impact. Above all else, no matter how much of a glorious mess their life may appear to be, you cannot 'fix' them. Co-dependency is a very real risk and you need to be aware of it.

If things at work are really getting unbearable, you could do some hard research, get all the facts together to support your line of thinking (both the textbook psychology side and your own day to day examples), and then ask for a confidential one-to-one meeting with an HR advisor senior enough to understand the problem, or at least take it seriously enough to read up on it.

Unless something has gone seriously wrong, the company won't be able to impose disciplinary proceedings. Plus what's the point of disciplining someone for behaviour that's hard-wired into their very existence? They might, however, be able to introduce measures to mitigate against the worst of the risks, and monitor the welfare of those working with this individual. Better still, if they are clever they might be able to manage the situation in a constructive way, by playing to the sociopath's strengths (which are also their weaknesses). Given that it's all about the ego, make sure they're always on "special project" duties. Send them on every training course imaginable. Try to avoid putting them into situations where it will be in their interests to compete aggressively with other employees. Set impossible deadlines. Above all, keep them so busy that they don't have any time left to plot against people or stir up melodrama.

You'll be hoping for a very understanding firm, a brave and clued-up manager and a whole heap of luck for all that, though. Might be a damn sight easier to just keep your head down, avoid socialising with them, and hope they get promoted quite quick (which they probably will). Or just leave. Seriously.

WOW!!, Very interesting, and intense. This explains why I feel an intense link with him. Scary stuff. I believe if I back out now, from all contact, he will be upset. Let me explain the setting,environment, we work on a military base. The company we work for employs about 1000 people. Out of them all, I am the only person he hangs with after work hrs, besides women we work with. I am thinking if I change any behavior now, I will become a primary target, his mission, his obsession. He will start to wonder why the sudden change, and start digging for information. Unless I ask for a transfer, as of right now, it is not that serious, but hearing everyones knowledge of these people, it is best to try to avoid him at all cost.

Sounds to me like the best thing you can do is ask for that transfer, and if possible, don't let him know that it wasn't a surprise to you when it comes through.

Oooh, military base? Ouch. You can transfer, yes, but that field (and any field that offers power and control) tends to be a magnet for these types of people. You're very likely to run into more... Except this time you'll have to figure them out from the beginning again.

As a "military base" would you not need to prove that you are fit & well in order to work there & last time I looked don't they discharge sociopath.

If your not bs, then tell who ever is in charge about him. By the way they might end up evaluating you.