My nt-as marriage

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That's at least one commitment she still recognises then. If the counsellor seems right for both of you, that could be a good anchor. If you have to split up for good, they should try to help you do that without unnecessary suffering.


I can see how it could end the stress for you at least, though getting her out of your head could be hard with the continued contact (child access). It must be very hard to cope with the precarious look and feel of the current situation. I hope it stabiises at least.


If she is still wearing a wedding ring, that would be a sign that she's not ready to move on. Frankly I think she'd be extremely rash to just go and get another man so soon after getting to this watershed with you. I don't mean it can't happen, just that she'd probably have a hell of a lot of emotional baggage to try to come to terms with first, which could make for a rocky future love life for her.

Main thing I guess is to try to keep listening to her, reassuring her, putting on a brave face could help. It's a tall order for an Aspie to try to influence the atmosphere, but if you can, it could work wonders. She isn't sure that she's had enough.

Okay, I just want to say that my girlfriend and I have been together for 12 years, and I was able to check in with some NTs about their relationships. That's how I know that not everything that might not seem quite right between us is about the Asperger's. After this many years together, we've come to a very normal stage. As the two of you deal with things, remember this: Love is not just a feeling. The best poets throughout history have only been able to talk about it, not definitively pin it down to what it really is. It's too profound and rich with many things. The "in love" feeling can come and go. I lacked it for a couple of years while going through stress and a depressed stage. But I knew to wait, because I "knew where home was", and I still had respect for her. My girlfriend, on the other hand, was unaware of this normal thing. She lost the feeling and felt guilty, trying to force it back again, which just makes it all the harder to regain it. It has to come back naturally, in its own time. We're still waiting.

In the meantime, I'm reading Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome and have already read Living Well on the Spectrum to help myself and our relationship. I'm being patient and not pressuring her at all. We speak openly, but I try not to belabor anything. Talking too long at a time can be stressful. I'm also doing more fun things with her again and giving her evenings to herself while I go out into the world to find other things to do. It gives her the house to herself, which she needs. It's different from simply leaving her alone while still being at home with her. I think all this is helping.

Stay positive. Being relaxed and cheerful can be very attractive to a partner. It takes the pressure off and lets that person see more of what they liked about you to begin with. I know it's easy to worry, but do your best to let this play out naturally, only guiding it as much as is really needed. The rest will happen by itself, whichever way this goes. Oh, and also think about how you'd fare independently, should things not work out. Your confidence, once you've figured out what you'd do, will make her feel less trapped by any dependency on your part, and that may make her feel more free again. That will help her see better if love is still there.

Good luck!

I am wearing my wedding ring still, I don't think she is wearing hers at this stage.. But that doesn't worry me. Because I have to sort things out without her. The more and more I hear from people the only thing I can really do is hang in there for the moment, and make improvements for myself... I can't be cold, but neither can i be clingy.. Our counsellor said to me that my job is to sell you to your wife... let's focus on behaviours that you want to change that can do that...

and the hard thing for me is that this will take time..possibly quite a bit of time.and i have no control over what will happen. but the reality is I have to do this for myself....
i believe that some of our problems were just men-women issues, but the big ones were due to my AS- i need to be more emotionally mature and that is what I am working on...
I find this forum extremely comforting because many people don't understand the issues we are having beacuse of the AS, so it is good to hear from people who understand me (AS) a little more.

Whenever I think I am feeling down I repeat the following to myself..
-You are doing things to better yourself..thats a good thing.. the seperation is a time for her to reflect... but no promises understandably
-if she can't see that you have grown and give your relationship another chance then you know you have done everything you can and that's her loss...

my gut feeling is that there is definite hope, but hey Im an aspie so i could be totally wrong

The easy option on the seperation is just to call an end- won't do that.
The other easy option is to sit at home and pine for her return / beg for forgiveness... Now I know that will never work...

The hardest option is what i am doing,.. changing for me... and giving her space..

Yes! Exactly! And keep sticking with us, ozman. We'll give you support. I can only wait and do my best too, as I said in my post. So, I know how hard it is. Just check in to let us know how it's going. I've heard of others making it work in the end before this, so I know there's reason to hope, even if there's no guarantee. I'll keep rooting for you to succeed!

Thank you so much... I have found that support from friends, my face to face aspie support group and now online thru this community has been absolutley invaluable to my own mental health. I will have good days, bad and probably awful days while I am on this journey and I will definately post how I am going...Work is hard at the moment as I am distracted and people have noticed how sad I look, but I am focussing on doing things after work and in fact I am busy mon -fri most nights.. weekends are a little quiet.. I can handle the space with my wife, even though when I see her I just want to give her a big hug... it is the constant saying goodbye to my son that really kills me. Every conversation I have I view as a learning experience.

Good luck with your realtionship and if there was anyway to help, I honestly would...

and yes i know someone whose husband had mental health issues, she left him with the kids and promised him nothing... They eventually with a bit of work resumed their relationship after many months so there are certainly positive stories out there that give me hope

One final word- My logical ( cynical/realist) friends say be careful... she is spending heaps of money setting up the new house and not interested in being with you again. This group is the minority, most people are focussing on positives. The reality is that i am comfortable with things so far... reality is all valuable assets are in joint names or my name only so unless things get nasty or its clear its over i don't need to go down the splitting of assets road. Any attempt to do that now would not be received well and I absolutely think would kill off any chance of reconcilliation, but I have to be aware of all options.

It's all kind of ironic because I'm separated from my wife and she "wants me back," and we're currently looking at counselling options. I see the chances of our reconciliation as extremely low, and I've warned over and over that counselling isn't particularly about trying to hold a couple together. I'm so scared of getting sucked back into her life that I'm looking for an advice service that works by email rather than personal visits, but they all seem to want us in the room so they can see our communication problems at first hand.

Her "crime" was abandonment too, possibly fuelled by her Aspie traits - inability to put herself in my shoes and see the likely emotional effect of doing that twice without explaining why. It's weird.......I'm an Aspie myself but her behaviour towards me has made it so that I cannot feel that she cares about me any more. The hardest part is trying to give her closure without raising her hopes. My gut reaction is to cut her dead but the protective thing in me never seems to die.

By the way, I put "wants me back" in quotes because while she was with me she showed very little evidence of wanting to be with me to share stuff and have quality time. I feel that she mostly wants the marital status back, a box to tick and then get on with her life as an individual.

No idea whether any of that matches up with your wife's feelings about you. Just saying I know what it is to feel unable to forgive Aspie abandonment. There was even something of the "hour of need" feature like in your case. I'd just been diagnosed when she walked. Anyway, enough of me.

Thats a tough one... I wouldn't like to be strung along,, and my wife won't promise me anything but she also won't rule it out either... She is basically sitting on the fence.. I could go two ways... cut my losses and leave or do what I am doing which is improve and hope that she recognises this change and wants to begin again... Of course this could take a while, but it certainly wouldn't be forever.

As for me I really do want to change who I am... for myself and not for my wife.... And I would change regardless of any outcome.. The way I behaved in a relationship was terrible. end of story.. I should thank my wife because the seperation is making me look at myself and want to change for myself... I never would of otherwise.

In my case I ruled out reconciliation, but she had to come and pick up her stuff, and while talking she asked me if I thought there was absolutely no chance at all. Instead of giving her a white lie (spot my disability!) and simply saying no, I told the truth.........that I can't be absolutely certain but I think the chances are very very small. I keep reinforcing the message but I don't know if it will ever sink in. I warned her so often when she moved out, "this is not a marriage"......in one ear, out the other. I told a friend who said "she can't be allowed to string you along like that." And I guess that's it - if my wife is being strung along, it's her own doing. I just can't pull the trigger and blow her head off. She's been really cruel to me, over and over, but she doesn't seem to know what she's doing.

The problem I have is that my wife is fence sitting 50/50 because she has said her heart is neutral, no relationship at present but cannot rule out one as we are only seperated. Just needs space to think. While this is the case I will keep hanging in there in some form , growing as a perons . She also makes a point of not promising me anything. People take my hat off for how I am hanging in there ( but also getting on with my life). Some of my male friends would of just written her off and moved on to other women. I do get the feeling that within 6 months my wife will know one way or the other if things can restart in some form, and by that I mean restart from the beginning, not lets just move back in... The support of the councellor will be invaluable if this happens... I should say that when I ask people's honest opinions in what they think, mostrespond with you are doing all that you can, your wife will see this and we think you have a real good chance. If not, thats her loss and she deserves to give you closure. Mind you I think I will be mightily disappointed/angry/ticked off if she doesn't want to try again in some form.

You know the money thing is also hard... My wife has just spent nearly $10 000 of our money buying stuff for her new house... She has gone on a shopping frenzy , and the reality is there really nothing I can do but suck it up.. she is not buying luxuries, it costs that much to furnish a house and she consults me on each purchase... just hurts because all this cash was our savings...and I have our son to consider...

If I tried to stop her by freezing the accounts, then getting in lawyers then world war 3 would break out with no chance of reconciliation. she really needs to live in this house to heal...
If things go pear shaped then there is less money to split up I guess....

My insecurity comes to the surface when I think of her in the new place.. but i have to ignore that as hard as it is..

I also struggle with the fact that most of our friends are now more her friends in this interim phase.... I want to do things with them and our son but I get the feeling I am on the outer a little... I am a little depressed today one thinks...

That's the problem with living apart--it just takes more money. If you'd been the one to move out, you'd have had to use some money to furnish your own place, too.

But think about it: Why did you save up to begin with? Because you knew that at some point in the future, you were going to need extra money, right? Well... now, you do. This is one of the things you were saving up for. If you don't use your savings when you need them, then there's really not much point in saving to begin with.

very true and that is something my aspie side couldn't see
.. today is just one of those up/down days...as will many in the future
I just try to keep focussing on the positives as hard as that is...change for me equals a change for the better and possible repair of relship..
no change = depression = no attraction = divorce = lonliness

In a general sense:

It's a difficult yoke as two thinking processes are different. I don't think it is uncommon that "marriage" in these type of circumstances are a result of "special interests." It's very sad to say that, but once the momentum is over, the interest shifts and the tunnel vision on the novel new interest.


It takes much work on both ends, and a diagnoses would help out. It would certainly bridge the gap in misunderstandings.

My wife said she is finally used to it after 10 years - the zoning out and 'lost into things, and the other quirks with the package.

There's nothing that is going to change the way the cognition is with this - the nature is inherently embeded. The cycles continue, but I'm more aware her needs via communication - I am better cognizant to act.

Last edited by Mdyar on 25 Jun 2012, 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I guess it keeps coming back to the concept of whether my wife can
A- accept that I will always be an aspie
B- recognize that I am seeking change for me through counseling
C- will change her view on what she is going to get from our marriage.
d- be prepared to offer a second chance

Of course e - all of the above take time .
I spoke to a woman at work whose husband had anger management issues - and he got another chance as have people who have had affairs. Is being an aspie worse than that?

Being an Aspie isn't even bad, let alone worse than things like having an affair.

Either Tony Atwood or Baron-Cohen said that they think Aspie special interests are basically erotic (which surprised me when I saw it), and I've seen websites that refer to immersion in hobbies as emotional infidelity, so I suppose what you did was a kind of infidelity, though not IMHO so serious as an affair with another woman......had you done that while she was in hospital, I expect you would be toast by now.. Just being an Aspie is not "bad" in itself, and I think it's very important to fight any guilt feelings about who you are, and focus instead on behaviour.

Your wife is spending a lot of your collective money and you fear your son may suffer as a result.........I agree that she would need to fix up her place a bit, and it all depends on what agreements you have about money, but I hope she ran this past you beforehand. There's also this "retail therapy" thing you mentioned before.......not necessarily worrying in itself, but it would be interesting to examine the power relations between you two over finances.