What to do when you find out your Husband has Autism

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I am AS and I can totally identify with this. I sort of shut down when I learn of something horrible that has happened to a loved one. I don't know what to say or do. I'm afraid if I talk to them about it they'll just get more upset so I usually say nothing or say something completely insensitive. Last month a family member told me he has been living with AIDS for that past several years. I blurted out, "So you have to take medication to keep you alive for the rest of your life?" I realized it was the wrong thing to say right away but could think of nothing else at the moment and now I'm afraid to say anything about it ever again.

I think you should bring up the issue you've been harboring all this time and give your husband a chance to talk about it. Mostly we aspies are afraid of saying somethine wrong. You could start by saying there's nothing he can say now that would upset you, that you just want to get your feelings out and listen to how he feels about the whole thing. I'd give anything to have my family member approach me in that way about his AIDS because I've been obsessing about my response for weeks and I want a second chance to talk, and will never have the nerve to bring it up myself.

Re. Autistic people and interest in sex--Most autistic people, like most NTs, are heterosexuals with a typical sex drive. However, as far as I can tell, there does seem to be a somewhat higher proportion of gay/lesbian, bisexual, and asexual* people on the spectrum--but that's by self-report, and it could just be that people on the spectrum don't internalize prejudice against being anything but straight, and thus are more likely to come out early and be open about their orientation.

* ("Asexual" is a term that indicates that someone does not experience the desire to have sex with another person. Asexuals represent anywhere from 1% to 5% of the population. Many desire platonic romance--romance without the sex--and a relationship between two asexuals looks a lot like a close friendship. Asexuality is part of the normal spectrum of human sexuality.)

Ok let's clear something up my relationship with my husband in the run of the mill everyday things seems fine, he likes me to watch whatever he is doing etc just to be there, he is happy to sit on the lounge everyday in silence and hold my hand and watch tv, but if I want to do something or be intimate that's when the trouble starts. If I make no mention of my needs or desires we are completely harmonious. This is the crux of the problem. Please note I did not diagnose my husband a doctor did, I simply asked the question after a major incident on our 20th wedding anniversary. I have only recently on reflection drawn the conclusion I am his problem it seemed a logical conclusion for me, perhaps not. I don't know anymore and I truly resent the inference I expect others to rescue me/us as a pattern. I have spent our marriage creating the pretence of the happily married couple/family and have remained silent until now, because now I am terrified that this really wi never change. For the negative responders thanks for making this that much harder with your supposition and judgement.

We're autistic. Honesty and bluntness are pretty much how we do things. What you get is our actual opinion, not empty politeness and walking on eggshells. If you ask someone their opinion and their opinion is that you're in a dysfunctional relationship, they'll be honest. Maybe they're wrong; maybe they're right; but they're not going to lie to you. After a lifetime with such poor social skills that we're caught every time we try to lie, we've learned that any attempt at deception is going to be detected--so we just don't try anymore.

I don't know you and I don't know your husband, so I don't know if you have a dysfunctional relationship. What strikes me most about your situation is that your doubts and fears and worries seem to have come out only now that he's got this diagnosis--either you feel free to talk about them now, or they just recently started. Might you benefit from thinking about what this diagnosis means to you--what you believe about disability and about autism in particular, and whether this affects how you see your husband? Has this diagnosis allowed you to feel free to admit to pre-existing problems; or is the diagnosis scaring you so that you're seeing your problems as worse and more permanent than they are? I don't know. I do know that the very fact that somebody has been diagnosed with something is often a huge change in their life and the lives of those around them, because of the social implications of diagnosis and all the baggage it brings with it--even though all it is, is a label on something that's been part of that person the whole time.

I guess the diagnosis has polarised my thoughts, my fear of the diagnosis stems from the fact that my son has Adpergers and he hates me, well that's what he says but he always comes to me when he needs me do not sure about that really, my son was diagnosed at 15 I had always been able to explain away his early behaviour and then on my anniversary I saw myself looking at my husband in the exchange that was had and with clarity the same lack of appropriate responses from my husband. I am a reflective person so things happen and are said I examine afterwards my heart, my responses, my words and assess situations that way and if I am wrong I make restitution and apologise, I have always been this way. My fear has nothing to do with the past it's done. I have coped with everything and basically assumed the role of dominance because I could not get him to take the lead, except financially he obsesses about money. My fears are looking forward knowing its not going to change. Yet somehow still trying to find an answer. I understand what you just said about lying as well, he is awful at it I never look for lies or evidence of them but I always find out about them. Is it unusual then for him to be comfortable talking to others about his life issues? He seems to be able to talk to anyone except me?

Your husband obsesses about money? In what way? Does he obsess over saving and be all cheap about spending? Does he fear about going broke and act like you guys are poor?


I have noticed from some NTs that their aspie partners obsess over money and it makes me wonder if it's just a coincidence or part of AS?

Not bragging but at one point we had a lot of money in the bank and he still obsessed about money, before we got married we were packing up his room and he had several unopened pays under his bed. It's just another source of aggravation for him he does not spend money and neither do I really but I buy quality he hates that. Although if he knows he has upset me he will buy something expensive I have looked at. Which confounds me, I want a cuddle but he will buy a gift instead.

Hi Beth, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can imagine how lost you feel as my husband and I are also going through a very hard time. I've read several books, ordered more last night and per the advice I've been given am going to seek out help from a therapist that specializes in AS. I plan to go alone first and then asking my husband to join. I don't know that I have any advice at all, as I am searching, but hope you find some direction as well.

By the way, in my experience my husband obsesses about money, has little to no sex drive (I refer to our marriage as sexless) and our biggest challenge is his short fuse. When he gets upset he says really horrible things and over time they've chipped away at me a bit. With that said, he can be extremely emotional, we both really love each other and want very much to figure out a way to communicate better as we also have a fourteen month old baby.

I really hope you find the help our answers you are looking for!

This, and several of the other things you have mentioned, reminds me of my dad (well. technically stepdad, but he did raise me). I have actually started wondering if he might be on the spectrum too. For what it's worth, my parents have had a good marriage since the mid 1970's despite his unusual quirks and odd way of showing love.

That brings me to another question my son with Aspergers is a ticking time bomb constantly, yet Greg is quiet he rarely raises his voice has never called me a name or hit me, he was very aggressive with my son mentioned though they hate each other which is just another source of conflict. Gregs solution to any conflict is to simply not speak about it. But he is spiteful with his words and let me assure you it's bewildering coming from a calm man who doesn't swear either. Is Gregs seeming calm normal or Tremaines volatility?

Neither. Just like NTs, we're very diverse. There are NTs who yell, NTs who sulk, NTs who cry or withdraw. Same goes for autistics. Some of us are quiet; others are loud.

An autistic meltdown isn't quite something that most NTs experience, because there's really no control over it once it's started; but we're individuals in every way, including what tends to happen when we get too overloaded to cope anymore. Some of us have our explosive meltdowns, but learn to get to a private place first; others just shut down, staring into the distance with our brains out to lunch. A few, mostly those who haven't yet learned how to predict and deal with meltdowns, have them in public or in places where they can hurt people; naturally that's a major problem. It's very embarrassing to cry like a baby in the middle of a supermarket, especially when you are twenty-five years old.

Autism is just one facet of a human being--it colors everything, but human beings are too complex for "autistic" to ever describe anyone. Your son and your husband are two different people and they're as different and individual as any other father and son.

Meltdowns and shutdowns do tend to become less intense as a person grows up and learns more about how to prevent them, usually by dealing with overload and stress before they start to short-circuit your ability to think and deal with your surroundings. Many people still have them into adulthood, though the frequency decreases and they often learn to get themselves into a private place so that they don't end up embarrassing themselves. For some people, meltdowns tend to turn into shutdowns as they get older; this is what has happened for me. When as a teenager I used to cry, fall to the floor, scream, hit myself, and generally be obviously distressed, now in my late twenties I tend to quietly curl up on the floor and just disconnect from the world for a while. I don't know what caused the change--I don't even really think of it as a positive change, except that it isn't as embarrassing if I can get someplace quiet early enough. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that, as an adult living on my own, I am far less likely to have people trying to intervene and stop the meltdown by shouting at me or grabbing hold of me--things that, naturally, make things much worse. I honestly don't know what my parents were thinking--after the twelfth time it failed to make a difference, you'd think they'd get the clue that they ought to just back off, ignore me, and let things calm down on their own.

I hate spending money too, I only use it on bills but always want to save it. I would still spend it of course on fun stuff or things I want. It was driving my husband crazy and I would chew him out for when he spend literally a dollar so he took over the finances and said I couldn't handle it. I also fear going paycheck to paycheck or surprises that would cost us money so I save to be prepared for it all. I just figure it's an OCD thing I have but I keep hearing sometimes about an aspie obsessing over money too and also being cheap and it makes me wonder. Thing have been better between us about money ever since he took over. But I still don't spend it much.

If my wife asks me to do something while I am doing a special interest of mine, I have a hard time saying yes. But I have learned it is alot easier for me if she asks if I could do it in 10 minutes, because then I will have time to detach from what I am doing, and prepare for something new. Multitasking and quickly switching from one task to another is a known problem among Aspies. He may not know this, and he could start answering; "No hun, but I can do it in 15 mins, ok?", or you could try asking him about doing tasks with a timelimit or a specific time it should be done, while allowing for some minutes to pass before it needs to be started.

It rarely happens anymore, but if my wife asks me to come with her to a dinnerparty in only one hour, it is impossible for me 19 out of 20 times. I need atleast a 2-3 hour heads-up, preferably 1-2 days. The times she, most successfully, gets me to go with her is when she has asked/talked about it a few days in advance.

When it comes to intimacy, try suggesting(read: explicity tell him in high detail) you'll be intimate at 21:00 the next evening. This will give him time to prepare and wash up as he see fit, and it will also get rid of the painful process that is called a surprise.

Aspies have a need to know what is going to happen in advance, some might need more time than others to prepare mentally for unforseen tasks. Intimacy can actually be one of these unforseen tasks that creates uncomfort. Not because of reluctancy to be intimate, but just because of the need for a schedule.

I sure hope you two will understand eachothers needs better soon. The clue is to talk about it, but given he just recently got the diagnosis, he might not even know what sort of needs he actually has.

Last edited by Blownmind on 02 Jul 2012, 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

There are some love-languages. Most people have one primary, and one secondary language of love. My primary is Physical Touch, while my wifes is Acts of Service. To us, this means I unconsciously physically touch her when I want to signal her I love her, while she shows me she loves me by bringing me a cup of coffee or similar act of service. According to this theory, I should have brought her a cup of coffee for her to know I love her, but this is not my instinct. And similar for her, she should have physically touched me to make me feel loved, not bring me a cup of coffee.

There are 5 love-languages according to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the ... languages/ (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch). However, when you are aware of these things, it is easier to appreciate that cup of coffee or that touch for what it actually is; It is affection.

In your case, his primary love language might be recieving gifts, which means he tries to show you he loves you by buying a gift. However, it might also be that he has learned earlier in his life that it is the social convention to buy a gift to appologize.

Like others have said here, some of your issues may have to do with Aspergers, while other issues are just regular issues.

Omg the last 2 responses have floored me with guilt and I can only say thank you for the revelations, the person that spoke of her parents and meltdowns, I never understood and am truly filled with horror at the separation I caused with my son trying to control his temper outbursts as I thought they were. To the gentleman that just spoke of his need for scheduling, that is exactly what happened to our anniversary, I spoke to him a couple of days before and told him I was quite certain I had promised to look after our nieces on that evening but on the actual day I phoned my sister as I was about to leave for work and she told me I had the day wrong, I rang Greg all excited because we could do something together when I got home. In my mind he had 40 minutes to have a shower and get ready and be as excited as I was, didn't happen when I got home he was still in his work clothes and playing music on his laptop preparing himself for an outing he was taking the following night. He never got ready and actually fell asleep, this hurt me deeply because I thought he didn't care. Then I got angry when I got home the next day and he was dressed ready to go out, I didn't understand and asked why he couldn't have done the same thing the day before and he said it was too late, this angered me further because I had rung at 4:30 in the afternoon for me it wasn't late. And then to my utter bewilderment on the Friday when he left work he sent me a message asking if I still wanted to celebrate with him when I got home.. I said more angry, hurt confused words .., but yes Greg is extremely routine this knowledge has absolutely levelled me. I feel awful and simply because I didn't understand.. Thank you for sharing

You are very welcome, I'm happy to be of help.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you didn't know. I take this approach with my children, if they do something wrong, and they didn't know it was wrong at the time, they will get no punishment or yelling. Do not dwell on past events you didn't know were wrong at the time, look forward and take advantage of the newfound knowledge.