Should I or shouldnt I tell my son he has autism?

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The fact that you hestitate whether to tell him or not, suggests to me that you think of Asperger's as a stigma, rather than a different way of being and communicating. It would be wise to examine and come to terms with your own feelings first before telling him. You might otherwise transmit your own ideas to him, and make him feel that there is something "wrong" with him. Learn all about Asperger's that you can. Talk to other parents with Aspie kids. Not only for yourself, but also for him. He's bound to have oodles of questions.

One of the fundamental differences is that autists don't communicate as NT's do. With practice and provided that it is within their ability, autists can learn to do a reasonably good impression of being 'normally' sociable (whatever that is). That's just acting. It will tell you nothing about how the person really thinks and feels.

You wouldn't be the first parent to think that everything is allright and then suddenly be confronted with your kid throwing a tantrum (meltdown) over something trivial. Neither you nor he will understand what happened if you don't educate yourself and him.

First I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories and giving thier input. It's helping me decide how to go about this.

I think at this point in time there is soooo much more information about autism/aspergers and it changes things. So many more kids are diagnosed with it and its become a different scenario. He's not the only kid in his class stuggling with the same issues. I remeber in 1st grade his teacher spoke with the class and asked the other students to help Isaac out when he needed and it worked out great, he actually loved it. It seemed like the other kids understood and I think eventually kids are going to see kids with a disability as the norm. When I was a kid any kid with learning disability were not mainstreamed and were in the "sped class" so the main stream kids were not exposed to kids who were "different".

He understands that he needs extra help and he does not see it as a bad thing he just knows he has to try harder. Im terrified of what his adolecent years are going to bring, Kids can be cruel period, I was picked on as a kid because I wore glasses and I was super shy, I was misrable for years! I think I need to lean towards more helping him handle situations and thats what Ive been doing.

At this point I dont think the question is if im going to tell him but when...

I just want to be clear that I have known he was autistic since he was 2 1/2. Ive seen specialist and Ive talked to parents about it and thanks to that I made sure he was getting the services and extra pushes that he needed. I dont see it as a stigma or a bad thing just a part of life for some. As his mother and knowing Isaac I can just hear him say "im sorry I did bad on that test but its just that im autistic" He is fully aware he needs extra help but to label at this point in time might not be a good idea.

your 14! I am impressed about the level of insight into human nature that you display at this age

I was diagnosed way to late (this year) and my life in high school and university would have been so much easier if I had known. I have a son, age 12, whom I suspect is on (or near) the spectrum. Getting a diagnosis in my country is apparently not an easy thing, but I will look into it, to try and get him assessed.

Tell your kid. I was almost 30 when I figured out why life has been challenging in the ways it has. He deserves to known and it will make his life easier.

I would tell him. He is old enough to know about his diagnosis and how to deal with it. It might help him realize why he doesn't feel like other kids. I was about your son's age when my mom told about my AS. I was confused about what it was at first, but it helped me realize why I always felt out of place when I was younger. I never knew why I was in special ed classes before then either. After a while, knowing about my AS helped me understand some of the issues I was having. Also, make sure to let him know not to tell all of his friends that he has Autism. If he tells everyone, he might be ridiculed for it sadly.

Last edited by Einfari on 25 Sep 2012, 9:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

.....tell him

This is like not telling a mixed race person they're bi/multiracial

I also think you should tell him. I grew up knowing there was something different about me, but in my case, I was in my late 20's when I was diagnosed. If I had known about my Asperger's, I would have taken advantage of the disabled students services in college, since with one of the perks of priority registration, I would have finished sooner as I would have been able to get more required classes before they filled up. Telling him about the diagnosis would make his life easier in the long run as he would finally know that his brain is wired differently, and it's not his fault.

It's who he is and what makes him special and unique, he needs to know

Yeah, tell him. Just in case things ever start falling apart socially, then he won't tear himself apart trying to find out why he doesn't fit in.

You have a bunch of very very very good points.

If you introduce him to the idea of have asperger's, do it like this.

Dude I'm an Aspie (kid's edition)

Well, I'm certainly glad that he's in a better environment than when I was younger. I was mainstreamed all the way as a kid, even through junior high and high school. However, in elementary, kids were more mainstreamed in general, and the general populace of the school got more interaction with sped kids in general on top of it. So the kids were more tolerant. Because they were exposed to kids who were different and interacted with them on a daily basis. Heck, we even had kids from time to time come to the classroom (even ones from different grades) and explain their disability to us and how it affected their lives. And that helped tremendously.

Now, junior high and high school, they tended to separate out the sped kids from the rest of the populace, and not give them many opportunities to interact, and that's when the ignorance showed up 10-fold. Whether it becomes a tolerant norm in the future or not, is up to the schools, the tolerance taught to kids in general and such.

God, I wish I could just wash all the horrid memories of being bullied straight out of my mind. If I were to be picked on in schooling ever, I wished it was JUST for something as stupid as "being shy" or "glasses", but probably because they've become the norm now (computer-inflicted myopia is all the rage now apparently, and some girls are generally assumed to be shy now, I tried to fit in by masquerading as a "shy" girl but they knew me better than that anyway so they persisted), I just wish it was something so insignificant (at least to people my age) instead of being hassled for every reason under the sun as to why I stood out for whatever reason they could find, next to other people. Whatever reason I wasn't good enough, or was stupid, or inferior, or whatever. People literally made a point to make my life a living hell when I was in school. Like throwing up anxious, faking illness staying home fussing and secretly suicidal type of extent of bullying. It hurts to remember that stuff and I have a lot of anger tucked down inside hidden away in me. I remember things so well that I just wish I had the ability to forgive and purge those poisonous memories away forever.

I'm glad you also upgraded your "if" to "when" because you have realized that this is necessary for him to know.

Well, it's more than just part of his life. it IS his life. It's just he way his brain is constructed. And sooner or later, with proper knowledge, he'll realize this. Or not know about it, and blame himself and degrade himself for not knowing the truth about it.

I don't recall ever making excuses along those lines (I wasn't diagnosed AS until 17, but I was diagnosed as ADHD at 10 and I did know about it the diagnosis at the time because I took medicine.) I don't recall making excuses using ADHD. And too, if he's struggling with something regards to AS, it'll take some time for him to dig down to realize what in particular is causing him problems with something, not to make excuses, but to find a way around it to succeed. In that regard you need to think of it this way. If he is aware of what is going on, then he can start changing his approach to suit his ability to learn and master things. If not, the lack of awareness will hold him back and stifle his growth as a student.

Between 4th grade and 7th grade how the people around me treated me changed drastically as puberty started, and the other children started growing up in ways that I didn't really. I was much more polite, much more respectful, much more mature, but not developmentally the proper "age", that is when it became more noticeable.

At age 13 is when we learned about my autism, though I wasn't diagnosed formally until I was an adult, because that professional was not a specialist who could diagnose me.

Age 9 is a good age to learn about it from my experiences.

It might be different for him, but the relationship to puberty is something you should take into account with timing I think. Bullying does get worse around those ages.