Mountains out of ONE misphrazed/misunderstood sentence!! !

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You need to move on and don’t bother IMing that girl.

You telling the girl about your AS and it causing you to be that way sure made it sound like you were using it as an excuse. Never tell someone you have AS. I never tell anyone I have it. They just have to figure it out them selves or ask me what my disability is or if I have one and then what is it. After being in aspie groups for three years I have learned telling people you have it gives them the wrong assumption you are using it as an excuse for your behavior and you don’t wanna change it. I don’t ever wan to make it sound that way if I told people I have AS so therefore I keep quiet about it.

Keep on IMing her you will become a stalker to her.

>she said I am on the mildest 0.5% of aspies. Yet, the experience shows that other aspies have FAR better social skills than I d<

I think that part of your aspergers happens to be very severe in that area and the other aspies you know about, they aren’t effected in that area by it as much as you are.
I have talked to other apsies online and they seemed less naive than me and not as literal as me. I am not as naive anymore as I used to be. Me being literal, that part of my aspegrers is one of the worst. I see other aspies less literal than me because they pick up more sarcasm than I do and body language and facial expressions and they seem more aware of other people’s feelings around them and I am effected in all those areas more than them but I have gotten better in the last six years. I have picked up more sarcasm and I know when someone is joking because they laugh after saying something so I assume they’re joking. I laugh too after I joke so that’s how I would know someone else is joking too when they do the same.
I have a hard time understanding language and grasping on what is being said while I have seen lot of other aspies understand better than me.


>How can I say ANY of those if she isn't talking to me? You see, I did X wrong, therefore she isn't talking, therefore she wouldn't listen to a,b,c or d, therefore as a prerequisite for a,b,c, or d, I am forced to go back to X and force it on her.<

You don’t. Just use that advice on the next girls you talk to on IM.


I don’t know why the girl didn’t answer you but she could have been very busy. Just because people don’t always respond to your IMs, doesn’t mean they are ignoring you. Their computer could have frozen up, or they have lot of IMs and the more people you’re talking to, the slower you are to responding to everyone. But if this was happening every time you were talking to her, I would start to assume I did something wrong. I IM them and apologize if I said something wrong or did something wrong. I move on. I had an online buddy who lived near me I only saw once as a store where I worked at and we would exchange emails back and forth and chat on IM, then one day he stopped emailing me and IMing me and whenever I IM him, there be no answer so I IM him and there was no response, then I said I hope I didn’t scare you away. If I did I’m sorry. I don’t know when I’m doing things wrong until people tell me.
Few minutes later, he IM me back and said I’m busy. But I didn’t buy it. I’m not that naïve anymore as I used to be. My Instinct told me he was just saying it and doesn’t want to tell me the real reason. I’m busy too at times but I do not abandon my online buddies. I get on when I have the free time and if I was too busy to chat or didn’t feel like chatting to anyone, I wouldn’t come on IM at all. And if someone did scare me away and that person asked what he or she did wrong, I’d be glad to tell them but saying ‘I’m busy,’ sounds BS. I never IM my buddy again. He still hasn’t IM me since so it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be my buddy anymore. I move on. If people dump me, so what, I figure they weren’t my true friends after all and I move on and not dwell on what did I do wrong? I can’t learn from my mistakes if no one ever tells me.

I don’t know why she got upset when you had to go or had to go to bible studies or got offended by the picture stuff. I never get upset when people have to leave or sign off. I don’t know what her problem is but it’s in the past so move on. If people don’t wan to talk to you because you have social problems and are not willing to help you understand, they’re not your true friend and not worth the friendship.

Do other aspies or auties refuse to talk to you too or just NTs?

The conversation was very one-sided right from the start. Even before it got going she was responding very little. When this happens in an online chat, I realise she doesn't really want to be 'bothered' so I respectfully stop the chat.

Stupid NT b***h. You should never had told her about Asperger's at so early a stage. 95% of NT's can't handle that.

Roman, there are two phrases you need to memorize and repeat (to yourself). They are "oh well" and "next". When you encounter a situation like the one you described, you need to tell youself: "oh well", meaning you tried your best, but if didn't work out, it's now beyond your control. Then you gotta tell yourself "next", meaning you can always find another girl to talk to. A girl you talked to for just a few minutes is not worth the emotional investment you're putting in.

Roman, reading your IM the way you acted could have been me in any number of situations-- miscommunicating and then not being able to rectify the situation, giving the wrong information at the wrong time. I can tell you as an objective viewer that the girl seems very b*tchy and not even the tiniest bit worth agonizing over. She doesn't deserve your attention or worry. Find someone who will treat you as the valuable person you are!! I know this is a while after the fact, I hope you are not still obsessing over what happened.

Roman, I have to say.....you sure dodged a bullet that time!

If she's that quick to pass judgement on a little comment taken out of context even after you kept correcting yourself, she ain't worth your time of day nor is she anyone you'd enjoy hanging with much less being your girlfriend. Believe me, if this little IM conversation stressed you out this much, just think of what a full-fledged relationship would do. And she also sounds like she's dumb as a rock, too!

You seem to be obsessing not only over this particular girl, but all your past "failures" this recent exchange has brought up. You're taking this as proof you'll never find someone. And it's making you desperately cling to this girl like she's the last life raft left keeping you from drowning. However, from the looks of it, that life boat sure has some holes in it.

Roman,

From a female point of view.

1)You came across as pushy and as someone else has said, desperate. Both those things from someone I was talking to would scare the crap out of me.

2) She used you leaving, consequently as an excuse to break contyact with you again.

3) Your persistance scered her even more. She told you you were trying too hard. You continued to talk to her whichy led her to react, in a classic way when a nice request to stop doesn't wotrk.

4) Calling you names, saying she doesn't care, insulting you, swearing at you.

TYhe message is plain: Leave her alone. Contact siomebody else, and it may be an idea to explain in the first 15 minutes of a sentence that a social diability may make you seem rude and that as IM doesn't convey face or voice expressions, it can be misunderstood. Tell thenm to let you know if you come accross as rude and why, so you can know why it seems rude.

Also, try to do these things when there is nothing you AVE to get away for and if there is, warn them *ASAP* if there is. I. E if you have a bible study in an hour, tell them early on "I have got to go by *insert time here* and THEN remind them 54 minutes before.

JulieArticuno

Roman, forget what anyone else has told you your entire life.

FIRST:

There are billions of other girls on this planet, and if you try to carefully control every detail of their opinions of you, to be sure that everything is absolutely perfect... if you try to ensure that every tiny detail of what each person understands about you is absolutely accurate... you'll go mad. It's impossible to do that.

Instead, you'll have to settle for, at best, "vaguely accurate", and be prepared to shrug off the more likely horrific mis-understanding... prepared to leave that misunderstanding completely behind, and move on. Don't bother explaining yourself - no normal person will ever be truely interested, and it's actually counter-productive (the more anyone explains him- or herself, the more alien he/she will sound; and so, for that reason, you'll rarely find normal people explaining themselves in normal conversation - that only happens when something has gone terribly wrong!)



You'll need to change the way you think:

Selfishness IS a virtue.

You ARE the most important person in your universe.

The opinions, feelings, and thoughts of other people are NOT very important.

(That might sound outrageous and offensive to you at first... it's not always comfortable for me to look directly at, either. But I've found that, whenever I think that way and act on that model, I feel more sane, more in-control, more focused, and more responsible than I do when attempting to think and act like the world's servant....)

"NT's", I suspect, understand all this implicitly without ever thinking about it or articulating it (though perhaps they might be terribly insecure and uncertain about how true or appropriate it is for anyone to think so.) When they've told you that you need to stop thinking so much about yourself and think more about other people, what they really meant was they wanted you to try harder to stroke them, personally, the exact way they wanted. They were saying that you weren't rewarding them enough for their efforts to get what they want from you. They can't imagine any other possible meaning to their request.

You, on the other hand, can understand the literal meaning far better than their implied meaning, and so you took them literally - they mistakenly have convinced you that your existence should be defined entirely by the approval of others. And so you imagine that what that girl thinks of you is important. STOP THAT. Your (well-meaning?) obsession with her opinion and understanding of you and how you think and act overwhelms all else in your thread, and that, more than anything else, suggest the sense of abnormal desperation that colours your text. Relax, let it go: what she thinks or feels about you isn't important to her.

And, until it is important to her, it should not be important to you. And don't worry, when it DOES become important to her, I'm sure she'll let you know about it in the most ridiculous, rude, and implausible way imaginable (and beware: she'll actually want nothing more than a short answer she can easily forget along with her curiosity.) For example, when she finally pays attention to YOU, she might ask: "why do U write so much??? it is 2 long!! !" The wrong answer is to explain about Asperger's Syndrome and how it makes you feel (trust me, she's not interested and she never really wanted to know, and an actual explanation is the last thing she wanted); the right answer is just to say "I just enjoy writing. What do you like to do?"





And there is the secret to what the "right" thing for you to do should have been in that case: forget about explaining yourself, and instead request simple explanations for simple things from her... "what do you like to do?" ... "oh? gossiping about your friends sounds like fun. who did you talk about today?" ... "yes, that was funny so, where would you like to live?" ... "oh, so you like the city?" ... "well, the city is OK with me too, I guess, but these days I prefer some peace and quiet. I mean, don't you ever feel like things are too noisy and crazy?" ... "yes, that's so true. wow, it's getting late and I need to get up early I guess you're getting sick of me yakking so much, anyway!" ... "oh, you had fun, too, then? I'm glad. I hope I can talk to you again tomorrow?" ... "great, good night then"

She doesn't want to understand you, she's got "problems of her own" to worry about. She doesn't want to know you exist, and how you exist, and why - she's painfully aware that you and everyone else exist and have places in the universe... it is her own place in the grand scheme that she is uncertain of and which haunts her every moment of her waking existence. She only wants to be certain that you are secure and in control, and that you know she exists: she wants to enjoy the "high" of believing that an absolutely normal, strong, and well-adjusted human being is perfectly aware that she thinks, feels, eats, drinks sleeps, and breathes the exact same way as anyone else, and that that person is willing to tell her so. She wants you to be normal, well-adjusted, and stable, and she wants to "fit in" with you and through you. Like a dog, she has a pack mentality, and wants little more than for the pack leader to pat her on the head at the right times and tell her she's a "good girl" (and explanations and apologies from the pack leader are freakish, abnormal, and should be completely out of the question.)

Sure, maybe that form of communication IS shallow, inane, stupid, and irritating to you... or perhaps even monstrous and nightmarish in its implications. But, until you are prepared to deal with that (and deal with it in nearly every line of every conversation with her for the rest of your relationship)... until you can accept that, you should be happy with your own company alone, and stay far away from dating "normal" people.

To be honest, there was a time when I communicated with girls online like you, Roman. And got the sort of responses you did.

Then I realised it was indeed not worth the emotional investment, and learned to take a more objective, balanced view of things.

I'm also a Christian, and joining a church and making a group of friends there got me over the obsession I had with online girls (i.e. I realised I didn't need the obsession). Just wondering, how do you get on with the people at your Bible study/church?