My mind the void

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You mention feeling competitive, and winning the game. What's the prize that you seem to be coveting? Popularity? Women? Regard? Financial riches? Money and financial success is a huge one for a lot of people, but with different motivations behind it. Some people worship it as status and power, and some are looking for security and freedom. Many people will measure your worth by your paystub, but I think most people who do have lived a sheltered existence. They are the ones who followed the "plan" and it worked out for them, and they believe the cream always effortlessly rises to the top. I see that judgement often at work. They speak slooowly because I must be, and I see a contempt and dismissal in their demeanor. It is a sensitive area slightly, and I think those areas are the ones that seem to stick out like sore thumbs.

I'm wondering if this might be happening with those "buddies". I don't think it's fake so much as the difference between feast and famine. Social connections for most people are plentiful and easily found, so they're not going to put any extra effort into one. I don't think it's conscious for them, but there's a casual quality because you're one stalk in the field of grass. I know you want people to feel that pain of starving for what you see they have in abundance, but it just doesn't happen like that. That's why we all hover around WP, where someone might actually get it.

Selfishness. I think a level of selfishness is normal and healthy, but I think there's a less negative word for it. Doing for others over yourself is a beautiful concept, but you can only take it so far. Codependence is not beautiful. If you need to feel angry or selfish right now, then lose the guilt and do it. If you give yourself permission to express it, you might find yourself feeling better...cleaned out maybe. Then those loving feelings may come back. Relationships are so tangled. Someone can completely love you for you, but there's still those day to day dynamics and compromises to go through. The love is there, but there has to be a meeting of needs for both partners or trouble and resentment is going to rear up. How? Your guess is as good as mine. It's something I've been trying to wrap my head around lately, but I don't think it comes easy for anyone.

Using people completely is another matter. It's like there's a subset of people who view this as expected and acceptable. I just do my best to avoid them.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on that. It's not like I have it all figured out or anything, but I do my best to observe and learn.

All of the above I suppose to a degree. The main one honestly just being friendship. If I just had a group of friends that I could hang out with regularly be comfortable with and have fun with I would feel so much better. I guess I just want to have someone to confide in and hang out with without feeling judged. That is the thing. I always feel judged everywhere all the time even alone I judge myself for the thoughts in my head or lack of thoughts in my head like I said before. This feeling of constant judgement I believe affects me in so many ways hampering just about every aspect of my life.



Yes I see this at work every day. So true about those sticking out.



What area? Feeling slow?



Possibly with some but this particular buddy calling feels to me as if they feel they have figured me out. And I don't like whatever they have figured out. Figured out that I am lesser. Not that they are doing it intentionally to try and offend me. Whatever it is it just really bothers me and reeks of disingenuousness. Like they are doing me some favor with their pseudo kindness. I don't want their favor. Than again I could be completely wrong. Really I guess what angers me is when people write me off. And I feel like that is what they have done.



Agreed.



I don't think there is such a thing as a pure relationship. Maybe even pure anything emotionally speaking. Thats why I think not knowing someone personally or being away from someone I love is when I feel the most connection with them. Think of your favorite artist. How much would you like them if you actually knew them? Theres always going to be at least the consideration of selfish motives. I guess it's just choosing not to indulge in them. All the time anyway. I'm married by the way she's the one last stable relationship that I have. And in many ways that is not good. I am reliant on her for too much. And sometimes wish that I wasn't but am too scared to go it alone. Also i'm 23 if you were curious. Not sure if I put that down anywhere.



Yes I guess i'm just a resentful dude in a lot of respects. Life isn't perfect i'm stuck hoping for the idealized version.



Lol well thanks for doing your best in trying to help me sort some things out. I guess it really comes down to me. And how I am approaching and viewing the world. I've just become jaded, jealous and resentful over the years. While there may be some or a lot of truth in the selfish motives I perceive in people it comes down to how I react. More so internally than externally.

It's a pleasure. I love to hear other points of view. Sorry I couldn't get the quotes to cooperate...