Does anyone get drained after going out?

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This is one of the most difficult aspects of having AS for me. Not having been diagnosed for very long, I look back and think about the crap this part of my being has caused. It ‘helped’ with the breakdown of my marriage as my ex-wife could never get her head around the fact I didn’t want to go out to pubs and clubs or loud venues. She took it personally, even though it was nothing to do with her, and it was cited in the unreasonable behaviour grounds for divorce. I didn’t challenge it as I didn’t have the words to explain – and in the end, after splitting up, I met the woman of all my hopes, dreams and fantasies anyway so it worked out fine. She has more understanding and is able to give me the space and quiet I need to re-charge the batteries; that is so wonderful for me. Most people have little understanding of how difficult they can be to live, socialise and work alongside, yet it is the 'outsider' who has to make the effort! Hmmmmmm!

The more I tried to integrate the more mistakes I made and the more difficulty and exhausting it became and badly impacted on my health, both physical and mental. This has directly led to a number of meltdowns for me, including breaking my knuckles punching a door, and they all could have been avoided if circumstances had been different. I have never really understood the games, the unwritten rules and the politics of relationships that so many people seem to demand. I am knackered just trying to think of how many balls I was trying to juggle earlier in my life. Luckily I am now of the age and disposition where this doesn’t matter too much anyway as people seem to think that my grey hair qualifies me to be a grumpy old man. I’m not really, I can be a wonderful friend if I think you are worth it. Does that sound arrogant? I don’t really mean it that way, but given how hard some human relationships can be, I have to know that all the effort will be rewarded with a mutually beneficial exchange and not some one-sided ‘psychic vampire’ type of thing.

My psychotherapist has told me that I have to value myself and my time and energy more than I do; I think that is good advice. Take the time you need, try not to be forced into things you don’t want to do wherever possible – I know that is somewhat easier to type than to do – and if you have to do something you know will be hard, then try and build some time for you afterwards as a trade-off. I do, and it works well for me most of the time.

Hi Denny,

Thanks for the reply, it is comforting that others, such as yourself, do share so many of the same types of experience despite the miles between us all. By the same token it is frustrating that so many of us still have to explain why we need the most basic of adjustments to live a 'comfortable' life. I refuse to use the word 'normal' as I simply have no idea what that means! I am learning so much from this website and the posts herein.

I am now in an office administrative job in a University earning £20,000 less than I used to, (approx $30,000), but they have been very good to me and appreciate that when they play to my strengths they get the best service possible. My boss liked the square peg in a round hole symbol and has helped me make the most of the bits where I touch the circle. I forced myself to attend an 'after work celebration' after completing the end of a particularly busy period and although I only stayed for 45 minutes, it was very much appreciated that I had tried to join in the team bonding session. He gave me the next morning off to allow me to have a lie in and rest.

I know I am very lucky in this regard and maybe my age does play a part in being able to demand support and changes to my workspace etc. I sympathise with younger aspies who may not have that option. All I can hope is that through education, the fatigue mentioned in the opening post and all the subsequent posts, can be appreciated for what it is; people trying and working exceptionally hard to live and thrive in an often hostile world.

Thanks also for the link to the article and book, I have ordered it today and look forward to reading it for hints and tips.

Take care of you and yours!
Paul

Hi Paul,

I think you are right about the age/workplace accommodation issue. Society has (especially in a schooling situation) begun to understand and accommodate us to a certain degree.

Reminds me of my wife's struggles with various Service Dogs through the years. At first no one seemed to understand the issue and we had various managers threaten to evict us from their establishment and call the police; and now she's greeted with understanding smiles wherever she goes. I'd say this happened across about 10 years, which tells me not only CAN society change for our benefit but the PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO CHANGE, IF THEY UNDERSTAND.

I think we have to show a AS public face NTs can relate to. The "Bridge" series is a perfect example. But I think we also need a separate "Einstein-like" ideologue as an example of the positive benefit to society we provide (kind of like a service dog) that people see as an huge advantage rather than a deficit. Maybe we should ALL wear "aspie" buttons?

Glad you liked the article; it was mind opening for me.

Best for you and yours,
denny

I get drained when coming home my wife always wants to stay out later guess just part of me being autistic and slow?

I think for me it's complicated by feelings of excitement which tend to keep me buzzing after the event if it's been anything of particular interest to me. I'm usually quite interested in any test of my social abilities, and as a lot of my social activity involves performing music (in which I'm deeply interested), it's likely that the adrenaline of the experience will mask any fatigue for some time. The only times I feel drained is when I've ended up being largely ignored and so failed any test of social performance. That most often happens when I've been drafted into some event that I wasn't expecting to do well at, and I've only been there to avoid inviting contempt, and have therefore predictably come out of it feeling rather abused. Theoretically it's possible that I could be dragged along to an event I didn't want to go to but then do surprisingly well at, but I can't remember any time it turned out that way. When you're tired but happy, it feels very different from being tired and sad.

Sometimes, if I've been in a public place. Strangers are the least tolerant or forgiving people, so in order to not receive unwanted attention I have to remember to follow rules more carefully, which can be draining.
I find it exhausting when I feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings openly, and in public settings you must keep most emotions inside and only express calmness, confidence, comfort and positivity. Otherwise people will stare, judge, laugh at you, etc.

So when I get home I don't like to go back out again that day, unless it's socialising with family/close friends or going to work.

I can only take so much.


The most draining part for me isn't the intensity, but sheer quantity of everything.

If the place is very busy and I get caught up with it, I'd drain faster.

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I totally agree when out with my wife I get soo drained but she can go back right away and I require a nap in the afternoon to revamp.I'am the only one with autism and dd.

I went out yesterday, and am still recovering now. It wasn't even a challenging day. I didn't have to leave early, so adequate sleep was easy enough (now, after years of anxiety.) I had to deal with a short phone call just after getting up. I had a freezing rain to start in, but it was mild. I had to drive two hours and pick up my order of health food, which was slow to access, but friendly and familiar. I only went to one other store instead of several, wasting most of my trip. I had a fairly scenic drive back to visit with my best friend, and then a late-dusk drive home through deer country. I saw two families in good time to avoid them. I've had two run right into the side of my car without time to react. It was still hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, and today all my routines are still hard to resume.

Of course, today was also special - the last chance to deal with my yard before it vanishes for months under snow. Springtime is sometimes like a second Christmas around here, as folks find missing tools, etc.

This second day back home, I gave up on my schedule and had a nap to finally catch up on my sleep. I'm still very chaotic on meals and generally disoriented.

I totally agree with you.