Not anything...

Post Reply New Topic

There are likely to be patron-of-the-arts groups in your area that cater to people with these interests. But there is a catch and you have probably already discovered it if you joined such a group or joined a special interest or hobby group. The catch is that people won't talk about the exhibits, theater, interest, hobby exclusively. They will want to converse about it some and always want to do standard small talk and talk about their lives. The exception might be an Aspie support group. But that comes with the catch that unless you go to an Aspie support group where some people have the same special interest as you (which is possible, since yours are diverse), you still won't be able to talk about the things that interest you.

There is a price to pay for other people's company. The price is conversations about topics you may not be interested in. The odds are vanishingly small of finding a person whose interests match yours so exactly and whose need for companionship also matches your exactly. The odds go up the more groups you join, the farther you travel, the more people you meet at a deeper level than just being polite on the bus. But the odds still aren't high. Wozeree as well as other posters spelled this out and I agree You can't tailor-make people to your specs so you have to either loosen your specifications, travel more to increase odds of meeting such a person, or accept the loneliness. You seem pretty upset by the loneliness so I advise loosening your specifications and joining more groups to increase your odds. You won't find the perfect person but you might find somebody of at least some compatibility. But it really is unlikely you will find somebody who matches what you want so exactly.

I wouldn't be so quick to say that... I was actually just about to post and suggest she specifically seek out an AS friend with mutual interests to see if meeting and talking about a mutual special interest or two might make socializing seem a whole lot more natural.

I say this as someone who's closest friend of the last few years is also AS with many mutual special interests. we've spent countless hours talking about them, teaching the other, learning from the other. But there are also stretches of time where he or I need our solitude more than the others' company and we don't see each other for weeks or even months at a time even though we live very close to one another, and then when we do see one another again we pick up right where we left off - practically mid-sentence - and carry on as the close friends we've become. This was all much more prominent when my symptoms were stronger. Now I'm always down to hangout with him, but am respectful and accommodating of the solitude he still needs sometimes. It still continues to work out pretty awesomely. I couldn't imagine having a better friend match. Ever.

So, I wouldn't count out finding an Aspie with mutual interests just yet. I'm living proof that it can and does happen, even by complete accident/coincidence as it did for me vs. seeking one out. You'd think actively seeking one out via online classified ads might make it even easier to find one.

I know this is hard to do, but maybe you should try finding people that have the same vibe as you. You probably wouldn't find those people at bars and pubs. When I manage to do that I can participate in smalltalk without getting bored. Even if we don't have very many interests in common.

Looking for people who share your interests is ALWAYS a great idea, but it's not cure for the fact that very often people will want to talk about things besides those interests. Possibly if the person is an Aspie, but must of us here including you and I and Bumble, clearly want to communicate with others about our lives, how things are going, what we feel frustrated about, what makes us happy, etc.

(At least you didn't tell her to go on your diet again! )

But of course. while I described that we can talk for hours about our mutual interests, we also talk about ourselves and our lives & everything else under the sun - as friends do, AS or not.

annnnd if you didn't notice I didn't suggest she dive into the diet at last mention, I suggested she try an epsom salt lotion to deal with the salicylate sensitivity first & foremost. Next mention I'll just skip straight to telling her to stick a tube up her arse and fill 'er up with apple cider vinegar 'n filtered water. Or perhaps a garlic infusion blended with a nice organic coffee. I joke, but at the same time I'm absolutely completely dead serious about having done these things for myself to heal the digestive issues that caused my neurological ones.

I like my no so strict paleo influenced diet. I am not OCD enough for your dietary changes as they are too, well, strict, limited and include things like supplements and bizarre rituals which I prefer not to use.

I just eat normal foods, keep my diet as clean a possible by cooking with fresh ingredients and try to stay away from too many gluten grains (touch and go on that one).

I know I have obsessive tendencies but I don't get on with things that require too many routines or adherence to strict rituals. To explain, i see liking sameness and routine as two separate things. When people say routines I hear 'boring chore', when I say a sameness it means I like something the same or like to do things the same over and over and over and over again because I like it that way, not because I have to. I also don't like being tied to the clock. A routine would be cleaning the house a sameness would be eating my ice cream in the same way with the same spoon (have a certain spoon I prefer to use) every week.

Your diet doesn't sound practical for me and I don't think I'd stick to it. I struggle with paleo, especially when my brain wants its usual 10 inch hog roast baguette from bocadillos everytime I am in North Walsham (I don't even need to tell them what my order is anymore....), Id struggle with your diet even more.

Especially as I don't really want to be like other people...I want to be accepted for myself.

I think it is terrible that we live in a world where a person is considered weird or ill because they want to go out and sit by themselves in order to draw or read a book, rather than make social chit chat for example. People in the pub think I am odd because I sit alone? What is wrong with wanting to sit alone?

I don't mind chit chat sometimes and I often let people talk about whatever they want, I don't mind this, what I do mind is that I NEVER get to talk about the things that interest me...with anyone. I am ALWAYS doing and talking about what other people want. I get bored with socialising because it is NEVER any fun for me because when I want to do something I enjoy no one is interested.

This is not really fair, especially as I have spent hours do thier thing for their sake so as to be friendly and polite. No one can return the favour and humour me for 10 minutes whilst I rattle on about something I find interesting for once? No one?

Sharing the same vibe is good, but I appear to be so eclectic that this is rare for me to find. I keep looking though.

I am in distress over a number of things lately.

My disability is up for review soon and I am concerned about reapplying again, especially as, other than testing out CBT therapy I am refusing any other support for my diagnoses at the moment. My official diagnosis is Social Anxiety and Depression but I gain nothing from going to support groups for these conditions.

For example, and please don't take this the wrong way if you are a depressed person, but I find their belief system offensive. To think that any life is worthless or that anyone deserves to be treated badly or inhumanely or with a lack of general respect? Oh dear no, that is not for me. I have very strong moral objections towards such a belief system. The only time I would ever be disrespectful of another person is if I felt I was being bullied by them and wanted to defend myself and that usually only ever happens online or after years of abuse by them (I have been bullied a lot in real life and the internet and I get tired with people treating me like dirt. After a while I can want to hit back if it has been going on for long enough). In person i walk away and burst into tears when I am alone or leave the area or when I was younger I changed schools a lot to try and get away from the bullying. Occasionally there has been a misunderstanding and an argument breaks out but if this comes to light and is the case then I am more than happy to appologise sincerely to the person.

I also find it their belief system and support distracting. For example I went to an interview with a careers adviser recently (I want to get back into studying and wanted to get information on what courses were available to me) and she seemed to get 'side tracked' in regards to my 'mental health issues' and kept rattling on about support that was available for that. She also kept trying to reassure me by telling my achievements academically were very good even if I hadn't finished my degree etc.

Um excuse me but I know this already and that was not why I was there, I didn't require reassurance and I didn't want to discuss support for my mental health either. I wanted information about available courses that I would be able to study and/or information about funding for them. Information I did not get because she got side tracked with the whole reassurance thingy *sighs*. Now I will have to contact any local educational establishments myself and get the information I wanted the long wayI I have already visited Norwich City college but can't really make a move on that until I have contacted student loans and also figured out what is happening with my disability (financial considerations). I could do a home learning course but I like going to lectures. I just don't like doing group work really. No one listens to me and I can't get anyone to understand what I am talking about when I work in groups. I had the same issue when i was at university some years ago. I even showed them an essay that I got an A grade for and which the lecturer said was very well argued and beautifully written but I still couldn't get them to grasp what I was rattling on about. They said they couldn't see how the thing I was trying to explain related *sighs*

Plus people seem to talk amongst themselves and leave me out. I keep trying to contribute but don't know when I am supposed to speak. Then people complain I am too quiet. UM I was trying to say something but no one was letting me talk or listening to me.

And this worries me too if i have to go back to work...I can also get bullied a lot both at school and at work because I am not always able to fit in socially (it was not too bad at college...more academic types to chat with...I love college environments as long as the hallways are not too crowded. I miss being at University). I have a history of not being able to stay in various jobs because I was bullied or ostracised by the other staff members. My ability to do the job was not under question, I excelled at that side of things, was always highly praised for that side of things (ergo why i don't need reassurance thank you...I am aware of my skill set, no need to keep patting me on the back) but socially I was a walking disaster. Ergo I worry that I won't be able to support myself if my disability comes to an end, which it may well do if i keep refusing support because I don't find it beneficial to me.

Also with the getting upset and hitting myself on the head thing, people in mental health groups think i like to self harm. This is not the case at all. I do not cut etc and have no desire to want to hurt myself. The hitting myself on the head thing is hard to explain...it is all so complicated to explain and I am even struggling to do so here. Oh dear.

I just get overly upset...I feel overwhelmed by things that are going on or my own emotions if I am very hurt by something or by too much going on around me and boom....I start ranting to myself and if i get upset enough hit myself on my head with hands or pull my hair. I don't want to hurt myself as such, I just get very upset or overloaded (I call them my overloads for that reason...it is a feeling of overloading if that makes sense...too much too much too much too much ...does that make sense? I ask that in a curious way as it's so hard to find the words to explain this. I am not trying to be partonising or anything) and find myself doing it. I cannot identify with people who just want to self harm. I am trying to avoid getting so upset that I hit my head which is another reason to avoid socialising. The pressure can cause an overload. And overload causes me to hit myself when I don't want to!! !! !

I cannot talk to anyone as they don't understand and this just adds to my frustration and makes things worse.

I have tried explaining it and I can't, not in a way anyone understands. It's awful as I feel trapped in a world I can't explain to anyone. I want to but I can't...and its very very frustrating sometimes.

There is more, I am not explaining myself well and I am going to go and watch coast for a bit. There are no buses today so I can't visit beautiful blue like usual. Ergo I shall say hello to her on dvd instead..

And that is another thing..people are critical of my bus riding to and fro' the coast. I don't want to stop bus ridding...I like it and I like seeing blue. It is fun. I am already looking forward to getting back on the buses and am just passing time today until the bus service is running in my area again. There are worse things I could be doing...I could be out committing crimes or something so why the wold gets annoyed with me over such a thing I will never quite understand.

I'll write more if i feel so inclined later.

Being eclectic kind of helps me find people that have the same vibe. I tend to get along with artsy eclectic people and intellectual types. I don't get along with people who are too extroverted, athletic or shallow. I still have to participate in smalltalk with them, but it's smalltalk about stuff I care about. I actually enjoy smalltalk with some people. When people have the same vibe as me they tend not to talk about boring stuff like TV, gossip about people I don't know or sports. I feel so NT when I'm around those people. It's like I magically gain social skills I thought I didn't have. Unfortunately I have a hard time finding them.