The trouble with "passing" as NT

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I never know where the line is drawn between acting and not acting with me. I know I act to a certain extent, like for example I hate when it snows, and usually at home I will react more harshly when snow is being forecasted on the telly, and the people closest to me know that I hate the snow this much. But if somebody mentions at work that it will snow, I will just calmly tell them that I dislike the snow and that will be the end of it. This is acting, although inside I am feeling the same emotions as what I would do at home, but am displaying a different reaction on the outside to what I do at home. This is a subconscious thing. I just cannot act when at home, it is my own most safest comfort zone and if I can't let my emotions out at home then where can I let them out? I know this is unfair to other people, but I think everybody puts on a little bit of an act when out with their friends or at work. That's why most women like to wear make-up when going out, and then not bother too much about it when indoors and not going out that day. We all want outsiders to view us as a more approachable person in order to be able to fit into society, including keeping jobs. And so it is quite natural to let our hair down what in our own home surroundings. That does sound a bit mean to the people you are living with, but everybody does it to some point. With me being on the spectrum, I probably do this to a much higher extent. I am one person when at work or out with friends, and another person when at home. If I acted how I act at home when out, I would most probably lose my job or be sent to a mental institution or something, because obviously to a stranger or an outsider my behaviour will be misinterpreted as a very insane person. At home, my behaviour is considered myself, and it's what everybody's used to, and if I acted at home like I do when out or at work, my family would probably go thinking I'm having some sort of a strange breakdown and would most probably send me to a mental institution.

OK that sounds like I am some sort of nutty person, but I am quite normal in some ways. Sometimes I wonder if I have been misdiagnosed with Asperger's and just have a personality disorder. All of my mental problems seem to be based around emotions.

I have read several stories from people in the millennial generation where there friends knew before them. It’s unfathomable to somebody from my generation but it is great that the new generation coming in seems to have that much understanding.


I agree it is natural to act ourselves at home. That is why I feel bad for people living at home whose parents deny their autism or punish their autistic behaviors. The never get to be or know themselves.

No one with an ASD passes as "NT".

It's a stupid myth that needs to die.

I'd have to agree with that.

I have very mild AS by diagnostic standards. And yet, I cannot pass for normal. I try so freaking hard every day and yet people still are somehow naturally repulsed by me. I look totally normal, maintain decent hygiene, don't stim, and mastered eye contact. So I don't know what it is exactly that makes people so uncomfortable by my existence.

I still have friends though, friends who are NT who love me to bits. Most people don't like me though. I'm an extroverted aspie, which is a recipe for disaster.

The last bit me too! I have a co-worker who knew before I could tell him, his sister is a shy Aspie, I remember mentioning that I'm out-going, he wasn't sure how to take that lol

It can be done by some people for a period of time. That is what actors do for a living. But you see on the news how often a lot of them have difficulties despite the fact that they want to "pass". We are forced to do it. My success has a lot to do with the group of people I am putting on a act for. I have had relative success with quiet mellow people that I have had some common interests. I have had trouble with the preacher/inspirational type who has found the answer to their problem and who insists that I just try it and won't take no for an answer, people who like to bro slap/bro hug me or who function best in the morning, With them I immediately go into fight or flight mode which brings the autism out to the surface.

I hope the day comes we can be ourselves without paying great penalties financially and otherwise.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 02 Apr 2014, 1:04 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I have a learning disability but its not 'visible' and it doesn't affect my 'intelligence' (it's a co-ordination/speech disability) so I have experience with 'passing'.

I don't want my autism to make me different or feel isolated but there are things when I am at work and social life where I realise I don't quite fit in with the dynamic of what's going on but I am okay with that. For example if people are doing pranks on each other at work I am happy just being a witness and quietly smiling.

For me the ideal is not 'passing' but fitting in to an extent that I am not largely excluded, and comprehending the surroundings of social situations.

I don't think I could ever pass as normal in conversation just because I'm so quiet and painfully shy, I can't do small talk but I'm fine if it's direct questions etc

I don't understand how people can act normal and give someone a false perception.
I know I don't fit in with normal people and probably never will unless it's someone that actually understands ASD but how many people think High Functioning Autism = mental retardation ?
Probably 99% of people I'm going to ever meet in the real world due to where I live and me not living in an affluent area.

obviously just walking around and doing normal stuff people wouldn't realise but if they ever tried to interact with me on a social level it would be a dead give away.

I don't say anything inappropriate and understand social norms somewhat when it comes to conversation, I just don't say anything.


My neighbours probably think I'm the most ignorant person in the world when in reality I wish I felt like I could speak to them like a normal person would inside of saying "hi" and rushing past

I've had people in shops try to talk to me as if they are being more than helpful like they fancy me or something and maybe they do but I just keep a barrier up and avoid eye contact knowing what an utter fail I would be at trying to come across as normal and interesting.

I would agree with Joe. There is a fine line between "acting" NT or otherwise. Some NT's have very inflexible standards as to behavior--what's weird to them might not be weird to most NT's. Other NT's could care less, unless you're assaulting them or something.

I would say flapping one's arms and making animal noises when at a party would raise red flags--but discussing a special interest might not. I have met people who have weird interests; sometimes, they even seem obsessed with them. However, in all other ways, they acted NT; perhaps, this could be an instance of "passing" for NT. I'm not very good in social situations; however, I have learned to use my "oddness" to my advantage. I am "eccentric," but I'm all right. If I'm in a hypersocial situation, such as a fancy restaurant, I don't do so well; if this is where I conduct most of interactions, I would not be successful. Passing for NT is much more difficult within this sort of situation.

It really depends upon the context.

Maybe if it was like a dinner party at a fancy restaurant....but that would not be out of place at all when it comes to the sort of party I was thinking of. The only think people would find it raising red flags about is might be wondering if the person is on drugs or how much they drank or how stoned they are ect.

If you have the acting skill, the money,the looks, someone to dress and coach you, you can. I know. I did it. I was considered normal but quircky. When I no longer could, and my autistic extreme weirdness [how dare I fool them into thinking i was refreshingly unique] became apparent [ a very quick succession of circumstances where I lost money, looks, emotional stability,etc. all at once, and I became a pariah.] my life became a nightmare.

If I am ever in the place where I can "pass' again, I will not. EVER. I owe it to myself, I owe it to the Autistic community, and I owe it to even NTs',to be nothing less than my authentic autistic self.

Whenever you can? What do you do?

LOL......I wish I had a job like that!

Sweetleaf: You're absolutely right, they might wonder if the person was on drugs.

If it's a rhythmic stim, though, I think it would be at least somewhat likely that autism would be evoked.

I do try to pass... And I think to an extent my family have encouraged it. I want to appear normal, and to say/do the right thing. As I've got older I have learnt what is and isn't appropriate. But I still get it wrong. A lot of people don't know. My mentor at university said she wouldn't of known had she just met me - and said that I appear a lot more 'normal' than other people with as she mentors or has come accross ... For instance I make eye contact,and don't do typical as things like hands flapping etc etc.

Sorry it sent this before I finished. Haha, sometimes I make too much eye contact rather than not enough and get accused of staring ... Does anyone experience this? I get so confused with nts sometimes.... At one point it like I don't make enough, and thn get accused of making too much lol.

Some people have known I had as... One person I used to be close friends with knew because of another friend he had with as he noticed similar traits in. I think it is difficult to simply pass as nt. I think to most people they wouldn't know I had as but I would come accross as a little weird or odd.

Xx