Is This How A Person With HFA Is Viewed?

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wozeree
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05 May 2014, 1:43 am

League_Girl wrote:

AutumnSylver wrote:

wozeree wrote:

But my coworkers hate her as much as I do, but THEY HUG HER TO HER FACE. She thinks they adore her. Sometime it creeps me out, but other times I think it's better to have a good WORKING relationship with people then to not to. Maybe talking behind their backs is just for that reason. Why drag drama and hostility into a job when you can just say what you want when they are not around to people who agree with you? It wouldn't serve any productive purpose if everyone in the office pretended she didn't exist (my refuge from reality)..

There's a big difference between being civil to someoone you don't like, and being falsely nice to them. There are a lot of people I don't like once I get to know them, but I would never go out of my way to be falsely nice to them. I'm civil to them when I have to work with them (there's no benefit to being nasty to them because you don't like them, either).
I've had NTs be overly nice to me, to the point where I thought we were good friends, but I later found out that that person considered me just an acquaintance. That was the first time I started to realize just how fake NTs really are. Sometimes they're overly nice to you because they want you to open up to them and tell them something that they can then tell all of their friends and make fun of you for it.

And I do think that a majority of NTs view us in a negative light. (I read somewhere that someone said they overheard someone saying that they don't think a specific person has Asperger's, he's just an a**hole). They're just good at hiding it. They're fake to us just like they're fake to everybody else. (They always say "hi, how are you?" to each other even though they don't really care how the other person is doing. It's just a fake nicety). They do it so often that I don't think they know how to be genuine anymore.

Is it fake to invite them to something you are having like a baby shower or some party at your house because you're inviting everyone else at work or from the group and you don't want to exclude them and have them get hurt feelings? Would this be civilness or niceness?

I have this problem with that woman too. Ha, I just wrote out a big rant about it, then caught myself. But yeah, socializing with office people often carries the same political burdens as being in the office.

a_dork
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05 May 2014, 2:06 am

Aspinator wrote:

I was sitting in a lobby and overheard 2 men speaking about this person they both knew who had HFA. They both agreed that the girl was attractive but they wouldn't consider dating her because she was fxxxed up in the head and too mentally challenged. Is this how NTs view us?

What you heard was how two guys (from the way they described her, they're probably a**holes) view one girl with HFA.

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League_Girl
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05 May 2014, 5:24 am

wozeree wrote:

League_Girl wrote:

AutumnSylver wrote:

wozeree wrote:

If the person was toxic, I don't know what I would have done. Thank god I only know at least one toxic person in real life, maybe two now since I finally saw that person in real life when she had been toxic online. But I never see them so I have nothing to worry about.

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CocoRock
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05 May 2014, 5:31 am

Well, I'm female and have AS and I'm married to a man without AS. So, some people look beyond the diagnosis. But even those who don't initially, may well do over time, when they get to know us better and drop their preconceptions.

League_Girl
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05 May 2014, 7:03 am

This NT parent had the same experience of meeting these people and they were professional and nice but yet she somehow sees their texts and was shocked what they really thought. I bet she decided to not put her kid there.

http://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comme ... ee_from_a/

It can be shocking what people really think of you and never say it to your face. I knew someone at work and she had her kids taken by the state and after she was gone permanently, this other co worker said to the new co worker who took her spot "Maria bad mother, Beth good mother, never had her kid taken, Maria did, bad mother." That comment made me so uncomfortable because of how judgmental she was and she waited until she wasn't there to say it and I was shocked that was what she thought of her. Let's say I am lucky she speaks Russian and not good English so I don't even have to worry about not talking to her and being quiet about myself. I was just so glad I never talked about my husband being sick at work or how he hurt his back and all and how my parents had him until he got better because who knows what she would have thought. She came off as someone who easily makes assumptions and the worst ones and it made me uncomfortable and I was like "Thanks, now I know to be careful what I say about my personal life and myself" and it's easy because lot of people there don't speak primary English so they are hard to understand so they never talk to me and I never talk to them and there are no suspicions of me being quiet and there won;t be any suspicions of me being secretive.

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littlebee
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05 May 2014, 2:37 pm

skibum wrote:

I hope not. Maybe some do but not all. I have never met an NT, and I have met tons, who ever gave me the impression that they thought like that. It's likely that these guys you over heard were just super jerks to begin with and probably feel that way about a lot of people.

I am responding to this thread because it is very fascinating to me. To skibum (and others), why do you think/ feel these guys to be jerks just because they do not want to date a person who they think/feel is mixed up in the head? I think it could be seen as them showing integrity, actually, as some guys would date such a women, especially if she if she is pretty, and try to use her (presumed) vulnerability to play on her and try to have sex with her.

Also, we know nothing about how this person manifests and what they have observed about her. Several people have pointed this out, actually, so. how would anybody here know if these guys are jerks (though maybe the op knows)?

I am quoting skibum because her message was at least seeing there is another possible side of the coin, in that all nt's are not like this (but the question for me is--like what?--and if I addressed it to some other people who wrote on this thread, imo, they would be more likely to react.

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05 May 2014, 5:55 pm

I don't know these men personally; I was sitting behind them while waiting for a family member at the airport. I guess it stung so because I have been referred to as the same (fxxxed up in the head).

AdamAutistic
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05 May 2014, 7:13 pm

this makes me wonder what people say about me "behind my back".
how am I viewed?

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Last edited by AdamAutistic on 05 May 2014, 7:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AspieOtaku
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05 May 2014, 7:34 pm

Aspinator wrote:

YES!!

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dianthus
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05 May 2014, 8:50 pm

littlebee wrote:

Partly because according to the OP the terminology they used was not "mixed up in the head" but "f***ed" up in the head. That has a harsher tone and to me it shows disrespect.

I have heard a lot of men talk about women in general that way. Especially in terms of "I'd date her but..." or "I'd f*** her but..." and then the "but" is typically something like the woman is a "nutcase" or "psycho" or "f***ed up."

Quote:

I think it could be seen as them showing integrity, actually, as some guys would date such a women, especially if she if she is pretty, and try to use her (presumed) vulnerability to play on her and try to have sex with her.

It's also possible that one or both of those men has already had sex with her...or else tried to and got rejected. They said they don't want to date her. And that might not even be completely true.

I can only guess at the context, since I wasn't there, and didn't hear the conversation or see the guys, but to me it sounds like male ego talk that is typical of players, or guys who wish they were players.

AutumnSylver
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05 May 2014, 9:57 pm

littlebee wrote:

skibum wrote:

Try to defend them all you want, but most NTs, unless they have had personal experience with someone with autism or Asperger's, automatically think when they hear that someone has an ASD, that it's the same as mental retardation and that they have to talk to them slowly, or talk to them like you would talk to a child, or they have the stereotypical image of someone sitting in a corner, avoiding eye contact, rocking back and forth and flicking their fingers. They probably said what they said because they probably think that's what she's like when she's not around people.

cyberdad
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06 May 2014, 1:42 am

AutumnSylver wrote:

Most NTs I've spoken to have never heard of ASD and (quite honestly) I've yet to meet one NT who actually knows what Aspergers is!

Everyone's heard of autism. What does an average NT who has no direct contact with somebody with autism i) understand of autism and ii) what is their attitude toward people with autism?

My own experience is they must draw upon what they have been exposed to in the media or in school books. Surprisingly most NTs know it's a developmental disorder but a common misconception by NTs is that autistic people cant speak. Infact before my daughter was born I conceived that autism was synonymous with being mute. How wrong I was.

On the "ret*d" thing. Uneducated and unrefined individuals are inevitably going to classify anyone with social or intellectual delays as"ret*d". It's not that earth shattering that ignorant people will have backward attitudes. Educated people at universities tend to overcompensate on the positives and will often say how bright autistic people are/can be based on savantism.

LtlPinkCoupe
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06 May 2014, 11:38 pm

Surely not everyone feels the same way that those two guys did, OP - I agree that they probably say such things about anyone who doesn't live up to their rigid, impossible standards.

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