Therapist says I have to act like an adult

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My personal feeling is that you shouldn't blame anything on anyone.

Just move beyond that. And into your new life in IT.

I know I shouldn't blame all my problems on other people, it's just that I spent so long blaming myself and it made me feel like crap. I think I just have to learn to let go of the past and focus on problems that exist in the present.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 15 Dec 2014, 11:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's a terrific place to start. We can only change things for the future by actions we take in present time.
Good for you! There's a saying in the therapist world "the point of power is always in the present". You seem to have realised that all by yourself

It's just that sometimes it seems like I can feel better about the past by changing the narrative, by changing the cause for the effect. I think we all have our personal narratives that aren't 100% accurate. We all form narratives as we attempt to makes sense of our lives even though our lives aren't narratives. But I probably shouldn't do that either since trying to rewrite the past won't help me let go of it.

Yes, everyone does have a personal narrative. If you can look at yours, carefully and objectively, you may well be able to identify parts that

-were true once but are not longer true
-were never in fact true
-were always and are true
-are true now though may not be true in the future.

Life is a dynamic process. Growing into our best selves is a dynamic process. You sound more than ready to take the journey forward.

I never knew the past was so dynamic.

I think some people are forgetting being told to act like an adult can mean 2 things. Personally, I feel the advice given by OP's therapist is highly useful and great advice. Hygiene is incredibly important, keeping a clean house is important, cutting down on alcohol is important, and those are 3 things everybody should work to do.

If he said "Be an adult" as in "Stop liking the things you like, stop watching those TV shows, you're too old to not have a driver's license" that's terrible advice. But he did not give any such advice.

Anyone who talks about acting your age deserves a stern talking to and possibles you should ditch him.

Well...

Seeing a therapist is like having a coach in sports. They are supposed to let you know objectively how you are doing. And sometime you get the "you need to step up your game" message.

There are some people that need help with self care. It is beyond them to bathe, brush teeth, dress themselves in clean clothes, make food and clean up afterwards. I'm sure the OP does not fit in that category, when she is feeling better.

Overestimate for time.

1 hour to wash up/shower whatever and add in brushing teeth.

30 mins to get dressed.

Figure 90 mins/day for food plus clean up. (single person, scratch cooking)

That is under three hours per day for basic life skills. You can probably go every other day bathing. So comb hair and brush teeth is 30 min tops. Eating take away cuts down food prep/clean up time.

This is what fuctioning adults do every day to take care of themselves. That leaves at least 21 hours to do with what you like.

The OP's therapist wasn't saying go out and be dynamic, it was more her baseline fuctioning is so low, that 3 hours a day of self care is beyond her. Acting like an adult here means taking care of the bare minimum in a westernized society. In the US, it is expected you washing a minimum of three days a week, brush your teeth, comb/brush hair and put on clean cloths when your old ones stink. That is what adults do if they are not so impaired to need 1:1 care.

I don't think it was unreasonable for her therapist to say, what's going on, when you roll into a session with looking unkept.

That therapist is stealing your money and time. I would walk out of that office and not be back.

I only use alcohol because one good, stiff drink clears up my stutter almost completely.

*looks down at his third drink for the day*

Umm...yeah.

Goodness it doesn't take me that long to do all those but I don't cook and I just put on anything and I don't make big messes when I get something to eat. Plus when you cook, you just leave it and do something else while it cooks and check up on it

There's a psychotherapist writer, very humane, who has written books that always impressed me as wise and insightful. One of them is called "How To Be An Adult". Maybe look up David Richo online. It's not a "how to" manual that says do this this and this, but a careful look at what adulthood means and what trips people up on the way to it, and reflection on his own difficult journey to a more mature state.

Keeping up hygiene is a good idea, esp. tooth-brushing.
Finding things to do is also good.
Messiness may be a personal preference for you, but it's good not to let food trash build up.
Overall, I would say that your therapist is giving good guidance, and it is a good idea for you to try it.

I don't like the words "Act like and adult." But I do agree that you should do the best you can to keep your house clean and to have personal hygiene. These are very important things to do if you can manage them. I know these are very hard for you but even if you are able to just do a little bit it will help. It's so much easier on the mind and processing if you can manage to have order and cleanliness rather than filth and clutter. But you just do what you can and don't stress if you can't do it all.

But as far as acting as an adult, I don't think that is a very encouraging thing to tell someone. I would have rather your therapist have just told you sternly to try to clean up rather than make some comment about acting like an adult. But just do the best you can. If you do a little tiny bit as often as you can it will get easier.

Amen! It's the word choice that really bothers me, not the actions.