Are friendships painful for you?

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Yes they are painful, because it is hard to tolerate waiting for them to call, the anxiety of not knowing if they have lost interest in the friendship, etc. The open line of contact (between my phone # and theirs) in itself causes anxiety because I never know when they will call! Of course, I could call, but have difficulty doing so... Then, setting up a date, I have trouble planning for an engagement that may or may not happen because the 'friend' may be a flake. It is hard to plan for an event that will turn into a no-show. So in all, they aren't worth the trouble most of the time.

I think even for NT's, friendships aren't entirely painless. What matters is whether or not the good outweighs the bad.

You can often opt out of sharing the things that bore you or make you uncomfortable. Sharing and common purpose is everything with friendships, but if it's not there for a particular activity, it makes little sense to go through the motions, except maybe to prop things up until there's something worth sharing. It's not pleasant to have to tell somebody you don't want to do this or that with them, but it can be done gently.

One painful thing I experienced with my ex was that she would take on too much, always thinking that she'd muddle through somehow, and then I'd have to watch it all go wrong for her. Before I met her, I thought there were some sources of sorrow that I'd managed to dodge because of the way I'd learned to live - living well within my means, avoiding debt, avoiding job promotion so the expectations on me wouldn't get too much, and generally playing things very safe and solid, anticipating the difficulties in plans - and it was very painful to have to share her experiences of what happens to anybody who hasn't learned to be careful. It felt as if all the sacrifices I'd made to keep my life reasonably free of crisis had been made in vain. Of course it wasn't me it was happening to, but I suppose empathy must have come into it in a big way.

I know it makes it worse that I don't have any feeling of accomplishment in any area of life. It just puts pressure on anything I try to do because it seems like one more thing I'll fail at. Another reminder I can't function and I don't know how to handle anything. People who are successful in work, write great stories, make people laugh, etc. All of that builds there confidence. It's like a cushion for the times they do fail. Where with me, when my wings start to melt, I'm in free fall every time. When you can't even communicate it's so hard to feel safe or capable in your abilities.

I told myself to not wallow in depression and self-loathing like last year. I haven't been very successful. Holidays, traveling, hearing about other people, takes such a toll on me. Seeing other people functioning in a way I can't. It's hard to even feel human. My consciousness, or maybe I should say awareness, is so vast that's it's always overwhelming. I used to be a little more comfortable. But as I grow older I just feel so deficient in every way. I should cut myself some slack. I'm not normal and I shouldn't expect myself to be just like them. But it's so difficult to tune that out when you're so connected to it all. So tethered to this world and it's infinite challenges for a mess of a person like me.

Waiting for a response gets to me too. I'm so paranoid people will hate me out of nowhere or get at mad at me for some reason. Then I'll be upset with myself too. I need to get back to a healthier state of mind. Sometimes I'm there but it's so hard to remain there. If I'm not always thinking ahead and trying to protect myself I'll get hurt again.