"You can't be autistic, you can speak/write/have a job"

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There is still a big difference between people like the OP and me: I (NT) had a decent upbringing, never any depression or severe illness, lots of good moments and relations, a pretty relaxed life, and am feeling quite O.K., apart from having lost the custody of my child because of truly sick people three years ago. I feel very fortunate, but I dont expect everybody to feel basically like I do, unless he is someone who is in great pains and dying from cancer. I do pity the OP for his negative experiences and the pressure he has. I take other people s suffering in general quite seriously - even if it is just for someone like me and my child who are allowed to see each other only / at least two hours a week or my friend for whom I will call the social benefit woman tomorrow, so that she can hopefully pay her next month s rent. If we care about the less dramatic problems, and be it often only by showing our understanding and compassion, and helping out a little bit here and there, this will have lots of positive effects on others, and if most people would care more, this could also dramatically change the lifestyle of low-functioning people - including their becoming much more eligible as a friend, employee or romantic partner. This might be not a very satisfying outlook for you, because the big change (or single breakthroughs) will probably not be for this life of yours, but still it is the best we can go for ...

Last edited by Evam on 26 Jan 2016, 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ugh, it took me a long time to realize that all that nonverbal stuff was even happening, let alone working out what it meant. I got in trouble with Mom a LOT because I didn't pick up on hints, or sighs, or looks that apparently meant something like, "pick up your shoes. Don't leave the teaspoon on the counter." It sometimes feels like I live in a world of telepaths and I can't tell what anybody is thinking.

I'm still pretty clueless at figuring out my wife's needs sometimes, so I try to cover things by randomly asking her if she needs anything, coffee, help with chores, or other random comforting thing. She's got some physical disabilities, so I actually do need to help her with certain chores that require more strength than she has. We're also learning how f**d up my communication differences are--last night's fight basically came from her reading some sort of subtext into something I said, when I really didn't have a hidden meaning. I don't do subtext, but sometimes people think what I say has additional, unspoken meaning (must be that telepath thing, just kidding). She had triggered my PTSD with a comment, and I started into a panic attack, and it went downhill from there. We've agreed we need counseling, NOW, because this just happens too much.

I'm glad to hear you guys are doing better. I sometimes wonder if I have what it takes to make this work, but this gives me hope.

And why is that? I was diagnosed at age 43 after a lifelong struggle with not fitting in. When I was a kid, there was no Asperger's diagnosis available to clinicians, and autism was believed to be a rare condition that was so severe that very few kids would have fit the diagnostic criteria. I was socially impaired just enough to fly under the radar, but that doesn't mean I didn't struggle mightily throughout childhood and adolescence.

I've had decades to learn coping skills, and I can pass as normal most of the time with a sufficient expenditure of mental energy. But that doesn't mean I "grew out of" being ASD. Nobody does. We just learn to survive in the absence of support that younger generations enjoy today.

I suspected I was on the spectrum as much as a decade before I was diagnosed, but since I had to pay for my diagnosis (I'm in the US, where adults don't get free screening), it was some time before I could afford to pay out of pocket.

There are many reasons why adults don't get diagnosed later in life. That doesn't make our pain and struggles any less real than yours.

Seriously? This is a thing?

I've only just started looking at ASD and considering that I may be on the spectrum as I recognise many traits in myself. Some things don't seem to fit so I'm confused. But this? If this is actually what NT people consider normal and what ASD people struggle with then sign me up for a diagnosis!

Before even thinking about ASD, my first reaction would have been - you're passive aggressive, you're not being direct, he's not a mind reader.

After learning about ASD, my reaction is, hmm... I would have responded the same way. Is that dialogue what most NT people consider normal? And could most NT people pick up the hint that you want them to shovel snow? How? There's no logic.

Apparently it's a BIG thing, and one of the hardest things for me to grasp--that there's a hidden language of signals that most people expect us to pick up on. My wife is better about stating her needs than most people, just from experience with me, but even then I get the impression I may have missed something and she's resignedly putting it into words because I'm too thick to pick up the cue. She also tries to signal me with her face when she's trying to tell me something behind someone else's back. This is especially true when we visit Mom. My wife and Mom don't get along well, so my wife tries to signal me with a grimace behind Mom's back to not tell Mom something, or to get us out of there, and then mouths the words, and I'm sitting there shrugging at her, Huh??

It used to drive Mom crazy, because she never liked to state things directly. She'd be doing housework, and then slamming things around because she wanted me to pitch in, then sighing, angry sighing, and finally an angry outburst because WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE SHE WANTED HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK? I'd be sitting with my book saying, "Huh? why didn't you say so??" The sound of vacuuming still makes me slightly anxious, like I've done something wrong and need to hide in the bushes outside

It's that much of a thing? I don't understand why people can't just say, "Please shovel the drive/take the garbage out/whatever it might be?" Especially among people they know well and feel comfortable around.

GodzillaWoman, I relate to so much of what you've described. I'm pretty much in the same place you are so I can't offer any helpful suggestions just yet, but you're definitely not alone.

Yes it is
Communication - What Percentage is Body Language?

Passive aggressive is...

Me making the snow statement and making my husband's life a living hell the rest of the night and not telling him why I was angry. I never did that.

The car is low on oil, and I tell him. P/A is letting the engine burn up.

P/A is I make an indirect request, get pissed, then shovel out misery.

When my husband didn't get the nonverbal, "I'd like to have a conversation with you, I'd like your company..." I'll be honest, I just stopped trying, because NTs will pick up on those nonverbal cues. In the NT world, not to be acknowledged except when you are making a direct request is a big f**k you, I don't value you. You are not worth my time to remember likes, dislikes, or putting in any effort to acknowledge you.

A relationship is not one of just direct requests and sex and a pay check. If I have continuely have to ask for all my needs, why be in that relationship? Not worth it.

My husband lost his job (a major reason), because he never asked his coworkers if he could help out/or they needed help. When he had interactions with clients, he did. He would ask if that was all they needed. The reason being someone told him explicitly to do that. He never learned at age 8 or 9 that people ask others if they need any help or are they doing okay. Because he did that to the clients, not them, they thought he was being a douche bag.

My husband is really sick right now. I will go out and get him Cola, two cheeseburgers and some Timbits (donut holes) because that is what he wants to eat when he is ill. I will not do stuff that aggravates his sensory issues because his eyes hurts. I washed the bedsheets, because he likes the feel of clean sheets when he is sick. I'll make a run to get some extra Tylenol because we are low.

Now he could have made a list and told me all that, but he didnt. I know him, and remember all those things and what situations to do that.

The "Man...it snowed outside..." I wanted a conversation with my husband. It wasn't about him shoveling. (he has a bad back). I just wanted to shoot the s**t with him, and very few wives go, "Husband I would like an intimate small talk moment with you, is now a good time?"

Almost all his crashes and burns have been him not picking up social cues and getting judged (wrongly).

So yeah..jobs and relationships can sink from something as little as, "Do you need anything, can I help you."

I don't think the not offering help thing is an autistic thing.
I usually offer help to others or ask them if they need help with something.
Some NTs never offer help to others, I have noticed.
I often encounter this situation of offering help or asking for help, because there are many such situations in the lab.

It's really disturbing to see your experiences in someone else's words. It's making me rethink almost everything and I'm not happy with what it reveals. Not distraught, but wow....really makes one wonder just how much more is there to peel back.

So many things to ponder. Especially since I'm the only common denominator.

My husband has face blindness, and very poor theory of the mind. He bomb that story about doll in the basket. The social test looked like Coventry during the War. A bombed out mess.

Yeah, before the testing, I thought he was a self centered douche bag, and I was the idiot staying. After going all testing with the psychologist, I felt horrible. It's like screaming at a blind kid for not know what the color orange is.

I failed the doll test too, and I offer help to people all the time.

Generally speaking, I feel pretty much the same. But only partly with my ex-boyfriend: I got a pretty good understanding on how he functions in the partnership after all, and he should have accepted that I wanted to separate from him and could have avoided to work himself up into a psychotic state (the forensic expertise made by the family court made it clear that he had experienced something similar before and that he had worked through it with a psychotherapist for some years). He should have refrained from taking the custody of my/our child away from me, or give it back to me later. So he is not only a self-centered idiot, but also vicious.

What I wanted to say: you might very well blame yourself too much, and see him as more positive than he actually is. He is not a kid after all.

From my personal experience, people actually ask me to do things or tell me they need me to help or do this. Huh?

Why not just be direct with him?

People also ask me to do things or ask me for help or sometimes just tell me to do things without it being a question. I don't have to infer most of the things since they say it out loud, especially having to do with a task that for work or household task.

I think there could be many reasons for not offering to help, and I don't think it is so simple as autistic ToM problem. I have plenty of ToM problems constantly, but I do help people a lot and offer to help.