Being attractive really is hell...

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I think the OP is sincere, actually.

I believe she is bombarded by male attention-----and she feels pressure to "justify" that "attention." And she feels pressure when she has to say "no."

I can understand where she is coming from.

But I still wish I was a 6-foot hunk who has to keep the chicks at bay......

Any reasonably intelligent woman knows how to (1) dress down to decrease her attractiveness, and (2) handle unwanted attention.

One of my dorm-mates would dress for class like she was going to a dance club, and then complain because men and women were looking at her and whispering to each other about her. She was a fine-looking woman to begin with, but when any woman puts her assets on display like that, they have to expect that people would notice and talk among themselves. She eventually began to understand that some stupid people just don't know how to behave, and she began to dress more conservatively for classes.

(No, I am not condoning harassment or other illegal behavior toward women, nor am I blaming victims. When any of our dorm-mates complained about physical assaults and lewd come-ons, the rest of us would confront their attackers and have a "nice little chat" with them. Few people bothered our dorm-mates a second time. We were a tight group. I miss them.)

You're doing that NT thing where people conflate social intelligence with intelligence.

If OP is telling the truth she's aspie/autistic and likely young. She might be socially unintelligent.

No, I'm doing that "thing" where I report personal observations of other people's behavior.Now you are conflating social ignorance with ASDs.Agreed. Social ignorance, while likely more common in autistics, is also common in neurotypicals. Just because someone objects to people's reactions to his or her alleged attractiveness, that does not mean that he or she is necessarily autistic.

No but if someone has social intelligence they know how to avoid it. Because they know the norms. It's fairly easy if you know what the social norms of 'attractive' are to avoid those or to do those. Obviously doesn't stop nature, some parts of being attractive are natural but other parts are socially coded.

If social naivety isn't part of autism then idk what is.

Not to say no NT is socially naïve just, this is an autism forum...

Also she might be doing things which are attractive but which she's doing for other reasons. Eg I didn't grow my hair to look feminine/young, I grew it cos I couldn't be bothered to get it cut while I wasn't going out (literally wasn't going out except to the doctors or relatives' houses for 5 years, the hairdressers would have actually been too much) and I didn't think a lot about 'what does this socially code as' until I got the reaction enforced over and over once I started going out.

So it might just be default things she's doing. Or her body language might suggest flirtation where it isn't intended because she can't do body language well.

Most things people do to be attractive aren't like that though.

What she'd benefit most from is probably practical advice as to how she's being read. Which is hard to do via a forum like this. Then she can choose which parts of her 'attractive persona' she wishes to keep or not.

There is also the possibility she isn't actually being read as attractive but as autistic. I remember being read as autistic and deluding myself (self preservation) into thinking I was being read as 'posh'. Maybe people are being nice to her because they see her as autistic or just as weird, maybe that's why they're keeping such a close eye on her. She wouldn't necessarily be aware of this.

Stay as pretty as you are because your life doesn't becomes easier if you are looking more ugly. NTs are quite nasty towards you now, they may become even worse and unity with this once your are looking less stunning. It's because their hierarchy thinking - the most attractive girls and guys are on top and they all want to be with them. The less attractive face mobbing or bullying instead. For this do learn to live with it and use your pretty look for your advantages and to make friends who accept you may be even just because of your beauty despite of your autism but skip all of those stupid thoughts of making yourself unattractive.

I must admit, I do get jealous of girls who get fancied a lot by lots of guys. I don't show it though, because I'm not nasty like that.

There's this girl at work who's in a loving relationship with a young man, but there's this other young man who fancies her really intensely. It gets on my nerves, because this guy is single and wants a girlfriend, but seems to just be after this girl who's not interested and is already spoken for. I mean, he's not going to get anywhere carrying on after her like that, when there are loads of other girls out there he could meet. She's not even that attractive in my opinion - she's overweight and not very appealing (NOT saying being overweight makes people unattractive but this guy says he likes slim girls). So I do somewhat feel jealous of this girl though, because she gets a lot of men fancying her. But I don't want to be nasty to her though, in fact we are acquaintances and I'm hoping we will become friends.

I can tell I'm bi cos I see those types of women and want them and get jealous of their men cos most of them aren't femme lesbians but straight It's been going on since school. Even the bi/gay ones just see me as a little kid and don't fancy me (I have had girlfriends including pretty femme girls, I'm just saying most people see me as younger than I am and aren't into aspies)

That's what's going on with an acquaintance of mine who I see most days, she's too old for me by about 9 years and quite a bit of life experience (I'm not in a stage where I want to be a step mum) but I think she's hot and she used to be nice. It was bad enough when she had a nice boyfriend but she's straight so I couldn't have her and at least she was happy with a nice guy. Now she has a guy I know to be not a nice person to put it lightly. I just wish she was bi so I could rescue her from him.

But she sees me as a little kid with special needs... At once as 'special needs' and 'too clever for the likes of us'. I think she might know I'm autistic cos those two things sum up how someone who doesn't know what autism is would describe autism as.

She sums up my theory that I can find women who are in their 40s to still be absolutely hot and not just hot for their age but hot. Like I said though, it's all subjective, everyone has their own tastes.

With regards to physical beauty. Some people simply are more than others.
Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes people are attracted not just by looks.

When it comes to physical beauty, i have to say that i can not help but notice beauty around me.
And this observation, isn't always due to sexual attraction but due to admiration.

As a guy in my 40's, i have to admit that i notice not only beauty, but how vibrant, fun loving and uncomplicated young people are. I know that younger woman are not of an appropriate age for me (and i am not talking about underage),
however, i still like to see beauty when i am in its presence.

It is a shame or even unfair that we age, and that some of us are less attractive than others.
But that's just how it is.

As for the original authors problems with attractiveness, i would say that i am afraid it is just part of her (your) lot in life. Perhaps the constant come on's from others isn't the worse outcome. I mean, compared to some who aren't considered attractive at all, who do not have much success with getting partners.

Although, again, this latter dynamic, there can be positive aspects to that situation. As for a spiritually minded Asperger with intense interests in music etc. not having tasty woman come on to me all the time, is a blessing in many ways.
Not that i don't get lonely, but i do like to spend a great deal of time on my own following my own interests.

And to be honest, if people were to come on to me all the time, i would likely isolate myself even more.
Not against relationships if healthy and well balanced. I guess i am just too unconventional for many and don't have the time to pander to every woman's whims, or bring up lots of children. Let alone afford the lifestyle that most woman expect.

Here's a commercial for all of you -- the title alone says it all.

I have a similar problem. People often admire my dress sense, in particular, and think my good looks entitle them to be overly intimate and familiar with me. I, too, have considered "dressing down" a little, but I have too much taste for fine clothes.

I do feel flattered, in a way, by the praise I receive but, like the OP, find contact with people exhausting.

Almost every woman under the age of thirty I get to know starts to "fancy" me. I know it sounds terribly vain, but it's true. I generally dislike it; I'm more interested in depth in my relations with my peers.

So hollowmoon if you haven't figured out from the comments, usually stating things that make it sound like you're tooting your own horn aren't real well received. It's rather easy to read it as "I'm too pretty, woe is me!". I'm giving a benefit of the doubt because we're on the spectrum and because trying to verbalize this sort of difficulty can be hard under normal (NT) circumstances. So on this basis maybe some of the other members could cut a little more slack.

I don't believe that being attractive is 'hell'; it has pluses and minus like any other level of attractiveness. I wouldn't describe myself as being an "extremely" attractive woman either. Sometimes I think I look beautiful and other times I don't. I recognize that even if I don't there are people that think I am and vice a versa. So this is the view point position I am (going to be) speaking from.

I have to say that I generally don't advocate changing ones appearance because of other people's dumb arse behavior. It starts to to fall in line with the same thinking of when a woman says she was sexually harassed/assaulted and then people ask her what she was wearing. That's bull crap. I don't care if the person is attractive or not so; we should be able to be and dress as our best selves without concerning ourselves how some one else is going to react to it. (that said if you walk around with your chest hanging out, you shouldn't be surprised if people are staring at it. Common sense here.)

To another point, again, whether you are attractive or not, haters are gonna hate. Those girls shunning you for their jealousy (or deeming you a threat) will also be the ones to mock you if you're not up to their attractiveness standards. If they befriend you, they will still undoubtedly always be making judgements about your looks and theirs. Those that admire you tend to create and ideal of who you are, and so when you don't live up to the perfect picture they've envisioned, you end up the crap head. Then on the other side, you have people putting someone down or just plain ignoring people for the unattractive or average appearance they have. And there's so many other people and scenarios I could make up. The point is, there is always probably going to be something.

So I tend to feel like we should just try to rock whatever we have and forget about the rest. Easier said then done in many cases though. Instead of trying to make yourself unattractive I would actually say you should try to make yourself MORE beautiful - on the inside. Be gracious, be kind, be confident, be sympathetic, laugh at yourself, be empathetic and remain unruffled by taunts. There are also some key response phrases that can be learned too. "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'm sorry I didn't meet your expectations of me". These sort of statements put other people's judgement of you back on them. In the end they might still think you're snob but they will have been sent a message that you were not going to let them make you feel bad about it.

There's one more thing attention should be brought to. As we are on the spectrum and not so great with things such as body language I would suggest maybe taking a bit of time to scrutinize your own. How you behave, stand, walk, etc, and take note of different tones of your own voice. You may need some help and feed back from someone you trust to get some insight. There is a chance that you could be giving off some signals to others that are giving an impression that you do not intend. The things you're complaining about might not actually be about your looks so much as how you carry yourself(or something else) or a combination of.

I know you were looking for a way to be more invisible but as someone who spent years trying to hide everything about herself I really don't recommend it. As I stated before you will always likely have to deal with something and for you it may be based on the fact that you're attractive, this is going to be a little bit of a fact of life for you. Making some changes to how you handle it I think is what will make some difference for you to not feel like its so 'hellish'

A Side note: The issues that come with being very 'attractive' and classically 'unattractive' may differ but ultimately they result in the same feeling for the people. Being unworthy. The classically 'unattractive' person feels less than, maybe like they're not even human because of how they look and that their lack of attractiveness is all that they are. On the other side for the 'attractive' person they are made to feel as though how they look is all that matters, their only worth. Stand still, smile look, pretty and no one needs to know anything else or more about you. Both cases make someone feel like an empty shell.

Also I really hate all this referring I'm having to do with unattractive and attractive. Attractiveness is all subjective.

Yeah, but it's same thing at the other end of the spectrum.

I know, this isn't much of a problem--certainly not "hell"--when compared with being physically handicapped or disfigured, or very poor and homeless, or terminally ill, or living in a war zone, or a myriad of other problems. ..but being very good-looking and autistic does create some special challenges.

1) First, the positive. If you're attractive, people are attracted to you. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I was severely socially incompetent; the only reason I had any sex life is that women were willing to make the first move.

2) BUT they were often put off by my inability to relate to them. Even if they weren't scared away immediately, my "relationships" typically lasted from one night to one month.

3) I never internalized the opinion of others. To myself, despite the fact that I was a model, got lots of female attention etc, I was always that weird, unpopular kid from high school. So I never really made good use of my good looks.

4) In professional and social settings, people stupidly assume that if you look good, you must be competent. Not in my case. Lots of disappointment for everyone.

Now I'm a lot more socially skilled, have a much better self image... but the looks are mostly gone. Alas.

I once saw a picture of Maroline Monroe (not sure how to spell her name) reading Ulysses and the people around me said it was staged cos she couldn't read Ulysses and look like that. I felt sorry for her - I always thought she put on a 'dumb' act but was intelligent deep down.

Very beautiful people esp those who aren't girl/boy next door types are stereotyped as dumb and the men as athletic.

I'm talking mostly about rare good looks here. Not what we see every day in real life (at least I don't) but what we see every day in the media.

My favorite tennis players all look like nice, normal everyday people, not plastic celebrities. I have read many times that Roger Federer has a big nose. I see nothing wrong with it, or Federer in general. Rafael Nadal has an aggressive look on court, but off court, he is much more relaxed and very nice looking. Of all the players, I think Denis Istomin is the nicest looking. He has an intelligent, calm manner. I read he got married this year. (Sigh!) I have never seen his wife. I imagine Denis is very respectful of her privacy.