List The Ways You Mask

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It's hard for me to decipher when I'm masking and when it's natural. I don't think I need to mask too much. But here's some things I do that do feel like masking:-

There are a few small things that aren't offensive really but I find offensive if said to me (maybe because of my odd thinking?) and I used to get all angry when these certain things were said to me. But when I'm around friends or colleagues or even my boyfriend and one of them says something that only I find offensive, I pretend like it doesn't upset me, even though inside I'm thinking "why did you have to say that for?". I count that as masking.

But I find I have to mask more when I'm out in public places than when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. The judgement from strangers seem more intimidating to me, and I feel like I can't express my feelings or anything when I'm in public. The rules are more precise, and I feel like I've got to keep up this confident, chilled body language and barely show any emotion. I call that masking and it's the most exhausting masking I do.

I have a way of looking like I'm making eye contact, but blurring my vision. So, I'm facing the person, my eyes are open and pointed in the right direction, but I'm not really connecting. I probably look like a psycho, but whatevs.

I'm quiet, fold my hands in my lap. But the whole time I'm thinking of a noise I'd like to make.

My most successful means of masking thus far has just been to throw myself into the work. Who can really find fault with a hard worker?

And smiling...

When people are telling me things, I smile and nod and try to laugh the right places even if I haven't really understood.

I try very hard not to punch people in the face when they tell me to "cheer up". I sometimes walk around with a deliberate stupid smile, just so people don't get too upset with the usual "resting b*tch face".

I have developed secret stimming, so I keep my hands and sometimes feet out of sight while undergoing a complex series of movements. I try not to tap anything if anyone is in the room.

I actually do try to engage in small talk, even if I'm not interested in what whoever is talking about. I keep reminding myself to ask things like "how was your holiday?" If Mrs Trueno asks me afterwards... what did you talk about... I haven't got a clue. Did you ask if his mother has come out of hospital? No! How do they remember all this stuff? If they wanted to talk about old episodes of Red Dwarf I'd be right on it.

Smile and nod has become my preferred modus operandi.

I avoid things that are socially inappropriate, like hand flapping. I try my very best to apply the social skills that I learned in therapy, like if someone doesn't reciprocate on a particular subject, they probably don't want to talk about it.

Besides that, I don't try to mask that much, I don't feel like I should hide who I am as long as I do my best to be functional. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not just to realise that people will avoid me anyway. At least now I know better who I want to spend time with and who I don't.

Besides, what's the big deal. Yes, I differences, but I also have qualities, they're just more pronounced than most people. Yes, I usually don't like working in a team, but who's going to to that allegedly boring, repetitive, socially isolated job that most people try to avoid and actually enjoying it? That's what I thought...

Anyway, that's a roundabout way of saying that I mask what I need to be socially accepted, but I don't hide myself anymore.

Better Than Life

Back to Reality is my personal fave... but now I've got an itch to watch the whole lot again...

Dwayne Dibbley ?

"Is there anyone here called Dwayne Dibbley?"

Got to be one of the funniest moments ever. The Duke of Dork. I think I identify with him somehow... maybe it's the sideways-ironed flares I used to wear... they used to flap together when I walked.

Did you have a thermos

I always have one in my duffel bag.

I go mute and only speak when spoken too, with single one word answers or in the simplest way possible.

I've had to do this at one of my old jobs when I had guests complaining about me because I would say inappropriate things. I did the same with my Dad's cousin too because she kept getting provoked by me.

I also stopped approaching people because I kept annoying them somehow and making myself be unlikable. I will just wait when someone comes to me or invites me into their conversation.

Today I walked through our town shopping centre and I felt odd. I was too aware about everyone around me. I found that I very much stood out. It occurred to me that I have lost the ability to mask. It feels very wierd and unsettling. I feel uneasy and on edge. I have lost my confidence. It was not busy. I am concerned.

Masking successfully rquires a lot of energy...I doubt you've lost the ability. Sometimes its just not possible, other times it is.