Have you ever felt suicidal in your life?

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thank you. I guess that's why I am not at risk for actual death from suicide because I don't know any other existence

Off and on for... hmm, I think about 15 years, since the start of junior high. Been hospitalized for depression/suicidal thoughts I think a total of six times now. The only things keeping me from offing myself are my parents and one friend, who would actually be deeply affected by that. Without them, no reason not to, I’ve had very little joy in my life and am really just a burden to others and society since I can’t even work or anything - no point in sticking around and just continuing to make others take care of me.

Parts of my childhood were truly horrible, but I was rarely tempted to kill myself. When the emotional pain was to great, I just dissociated. Nowadays when I feel glum I remind myself that if I am desperate enough to end it all, I am free to get on a bus and go somewhere where nobody knows me and start over.

Last edited by Romofan on 30 Jul 2020, 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your post resonates with me a lot. When I was dumped by my first boyfriend just over six years ago, I cried. Eventually though, I had no more tears left but the pain still persisted. I finally found something I could do to make the pain go away. I started drinking small amounts of toxins for about 5 days straight just because it numbed the pain. At the time, I didn't care what happened to me because I felt I needed to punish myself for not being as supportive of him as he wanted and therefore causing him to leave. Nothing happened to me except it gave me a dangerous sense of empowerment.

Now, more recently, I have struggled with some issues that are not the same but similar. I had a student that I worked with everyday during school and more so, during the shutdown on the computer. Having worked with him in person for a year and a half it became hard for me to cope with the fact that he was at home and sometimes in pain, stressed out, hungry with no one to make him a hot meal (he's almost 10 and therefore too young to use the stove while his mom's at work), and exhausted. It felt like a lot for me to take on his issues which were impossible to truly solve through the computer. It was really hard some days to look him in the eye and tell him that although I cared about his ailments, I couldn't stop them through the screen. This kiddo has depression so it was hard for both of us. Plus, I knew that he would soon be leaving and going off to middle school which was tough for me to understand that I would be saying goodbye to him soon. So, I did what you did. I wrote a long, 32 page epic poem detailing my feelings during this whole experience. I never read it to him but I just found it sort of therapeutic to write even just a paragraph or 2 per day about what had happened with this kid and how painful it was to experience. Plus now that he's gone I will forever have something to read if I miss him to remind me of my time with the child who was like my son. Some of the things he said were heartbreaking. During this time, my mom also had her 4th stroke. I'm not one to bother people at all or even ask for professional help for my issues as I believe there are many people worse off than I am. However, knowing that nothing bad truly happens to me, I'm ashamed to admit that on a few occasions I have gone back to drinking the watered down toxins in small amounts. Nothing bad has happened to me but I just feel so much more energized when I do. It also makes me happy. Not fake happy, REAL happy because although it's not good, my mind and body know I am actively doing something to cope with the stress. I know it's bad to do even in small amount but what one has to understand is that sometimes it's hard when you have negative feelings that you don't want to stress others about and your mind is telling you that it's okay to do these things once in awhile as long as your careful about how and when you do them. Also it's like my mind is telling me that if I truly cared about this little guy like he was my son as I always say I do, I would take a swig.
I don't know if I'll ever see him again because he's going to middle school next year and even though I signed up to be his mentor, there's still the matter of his old mentor and, of coarse, the shutdown which may not even let mentors see the children even with social distancing and masks.
So, I don't know if I'd call it suicidal. Let's just calling living on the edge, doing some dangerous stuff once in awhile to coop with pain and stress.

I felt suicidal at the age of 15, in 1990. I felt that I had no future and nothing to dream for. I also felt suicidal in the early months of 2007 at the age of 32. I lost a friend on a certain site. I haven't had those feelings since 2007.

I take a large amount of medication to stop me from feeling suicidal

I was depressed from 12-16 years of age. I was admitted into the hospital and kept for 2 days after having suicidal thoughts. I considered breaking my leg at 14. I thought about suicide everyday for over a month at 16. Yet, the best thing that happened to me was my first girlfriend breaking up with me last summer. I am very emotionally sensitive and and yet I felt the only route I had was up. It was a slow reaction, but it was spurred by looking at my issues through a whole lot of different angles. I think it's safe to say that as of now, I'm doing ok. I'm very lonely, but I enjoy the company of family more, and overall I'm better than I was a year ago. A lot better. I don't think there is a cure to depression, since it would have to be a disease to have a cure. I think it's a very complex state of mind that is near impossible to escape from. A person can always relapse and find themselves hopelessly entrenched. It's wishful thinking that it won't ever come back to me, but for now, I'm just OK.

Suicide was the main risk in my social circle for a long time, and while I did get very depressed and thought of suicide, I never got as far in planning as some others who didn't follow through. There were some years when my main reason for staying around was to leave my work tidier for the next person to take it up. The Hindu teaching is that we just come back to the same situation, to solve it eventually.

This.

I've had many thoughts of dying but I was only really suicidal, as in actually at risk, for one period in my life. It lasted for a few years. Though it felt longer than that because I was still very depressed on ither side of it for a very very long time.

Yes. I had my strongest suicidal thoughts in 2012/2013 and again in 2015. I got diagnosed in 2012/2013 (I think in the winter). About to graduate high school, I was trying to determine why I was so different from everyone else around me and why I had no friends. I also had extreme self image issues at the time. In 2015, I was again struggling with my place in the world and feeling hopeless. I almost swallowed a whole bottle of ibuprofen pills the second time, but I ended up calling my parents. I flunked out of college that year. Something in my brain snapped into place when that happened and I've been unbreakable ever since.

Never once, not even a fleeting thought of topping myself. I've been lucky that my life has never been so terrible. It's been pretty rotten at times, but nothing like what a lot of people have to go through. I've never even been clinically depressed as far a I know. I've often likened myself to a man on a raft - my feet are always wet but the bloody thing never quite sinks. Just the usual "healthy" ennuie from time to time. My mother used to talk about suicide occasionally, but I don't think she ever really meant it, though the feelings were no doubt real to her at the time. And my dad just wasn't the type to let life get him down that far. There's no family history of depression that I ever heard of, though I'm sure there's some history of ASD.

I suppose what would have tipped the balance for me would have been prolonged rejection from everybody. I've skirted dangerously close to that a few times, and it's been rare that I've felt I had enough friends and enough of the warmth that comes with it, but by some weird bit of luck my loneliness has never been complete or long enough to do the trick. Considering the paltry effort I put into developing friendship, it's surprising. But there's always been somebody or other who was there for me before things got too bad. At least, so far.

I guess I've been properly suicidal a few times. I still have fleeting thoughts about it, but it's not really anything I'd go through with at the moment, more like an intrusive thought I get? I have planned things in the past but thankfully I over plan everything, so they're not really conducive to impulsive actions.

That is your depression talking.
There are some simple routines people can do to help with that. <hug>

I have had a very bad dissociative disorder, in my past.
Thankfully I am over it.

Yes, of course.

Paradoxically, what helped me was allowing myself to really think it through and take it seriously instead of feeling guilty and making it taboo. I even researched the most suitable method and planned accordingly and it had a liberating effect on me: knowing I have an exit strategy if I want it. I kind of chose to live afterwards instead of "having" to, it made me better at living.

Let me be frank with you:

I've had an EXTREMELY rough childhood, and even though I'm an adult, my life is just STILL as rough as my childhood. There have been many, MANY instances when I want to be suicidal. No matter how many times I've tried to tell myself, "Oh, c'mon, Dan, lighten up. Things will get better", somehow the world around me apparently just gets worse. Even though I've been suicidal sometimes, I couldn't actually bring myself to commit suicide, mainly because 1) I instinctively just can't self-terminate. I just can't. And 2) Even with all the chaos that's been going around, there are still some family and friends who are close to me and cheer me up, and there are still people who care enough to do what's right. This, maybe, will help me keep on living, and probably follow their example, but I also want to live the way I want.