Reconciled with any bullies ?

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I have bumped this becausw it is topical for me. With the advent of Facebook etc whilst I haven't seen my former bullies in person the web of friends that a social networking brings means I have seen their profiles and see that they are friends with some of my friends etc. Even seeing their name brings back floods of memories for me I get anxious and severe anxiety as a result. My mum says "just get over it" it doesnt work like that bullying is emotionally damaging and it doesn't matter how long ago it was because incidents like this can bring up old stuff.

I'm now friends with several people who bullied me in middle school- and I'm just in high school. It seems to have just been a lack of maturity that cause the earlier issues, but now they seem to have grown out of that.

One bully (by no means one of the worst) did apologise to me and I forgave him. The others I haven't seen since and don't want to see them. I've never been invited to any school reunions and wouldn't go - I don't want to see my peers from that period again, not just my bullies but not my 'friends', either.

Yesterday when I was on bebo.com I came accross an old bullies profile page. She bullied me 4 years ago when I was at high school. I actually decided to send her a message to say hi and see how she was doing. Turns out she doesn't even remember who I am! We talked for a little while on msn and I even gave her some advice on how to deal with peer pressure (much to my surprise)...but i'm not sure if that would count as a reconciliation since she didn't even remember me, as I guess it would be like talking to someone you've never met before from her side.

I had one childhood bully apologize to me a few years ago, just right out of the blue. I was impressed that she came to regret her shoddy treatment of me and sought me out to let me know how bad she felt. She actually even followed my career choice. I forgave her (she certainly wasn't my worst tormentor) because she had the courage to admit that what she did was wrong without any prompting from me.

Then I had two HS bullies who tried to continue to bully in college for old time's sake. One didn't put too much effort into it, thank goodness, but the other one was downright scary and stalker like. My now ex-husband actually went over and told the guy that there will always be someone bigger and stronger, and that if he didn't cut it out now, he would find out what that means - the bully did come to see the wisdom in that . That is one of the nicer things I can say about my ex, although he did turn out to be a bully as well, sigh. Its a strange world when bullies fight over their victims.

I have been told, when I have missed the HS reunions, that those who didn't treat me well then have "matured". I have also been told they remember me fondly. Personally, I think they have just forgotten and in their memories that have remained, the world has been painted a nice shade of rosy pink, sigh. If the bullies give me an apology and mean it, I will consider granting them forgiveness, but otherwise, its like saying that it is okay to be abusive, and that can't stand.

I met some bullies I'd left at elementary school about 7 years later. I was shocked to discover that she bullied me again. Same with a guy whom I knew also in ES, until 4th grade. He still tried to bully me on the streets a year ago, although I had not seen him in 9 years and was nicely saying hi and trying to talk to him.

Ive met some people who gave me a hard time and they just act like nothing ever happened now. It makes me wanna hit them or something.

I have.

A few have apologized -- the ones that seemed to become more mature with age.

Some have gone right on bullying (I guess in more adult-style ways -- false gossip and the like).

I have never encountered my old bullies yet. No one should hate their chioldhood bullies because kids change as they get older. It would be unfair to hate someone for what they did to you when they were seven. It would be like kids hating me still just because I teased them or did something to them that made them mad when I was eight. I would tell them "I was eight for pete's sake, get over it. People change as they get older. I don't hate my brother for dropping a bag on my head when I was four. How fair would that be to him if I still hated him for something he did when he was only a year and a half?"



Sure some children grow up to be adult bullies but lot of kids bully and they do grow up to be nice. Heck even kids don't always know they are bullying, they think they are having fun and they thinking teasing is fun or they are doing it to just fit in. Yet there are kids who do know they are bullying but they just don't care.

No I haven't, and no I won't. Even if one of them made the first move, I wouldn't trust them.

I'd trust some of them.

I've found people who've hurt me in the past to be extraordinarily varied as far as whether they're willing to hurt me in the present -- ranging from people who used to just sort of toy with me and now wouldn't mind really harming me, to people who used to do real harm out of immaturity and have grown out of it.

Like someone else pointed out, kids aren't born knowing how to behave, and a lot of them learn lessons as they get older about how to treat others. Even adults can change their ways.

On the other hand, some of the people who've bullied me in the past have deceived me so often and so consistently that I've actively avoided any further advances to me -- they've just smacked of insincerity when they've tried to appear friendly at all. And I've been burned too many times by them coming back and saying they've changed only because they wanted to do something else to mess with me and they know I trust people too easily. I had to learn the hard way that wariness isn't a bad thing with some people, even if it seems bad to not give them another chance. Every time I defy my gut in situations like this it gets me taken advantage of at best.

I don't hate any of them though, that'd be a waste of my energy and it'd harm me more than it did them anyway.

And some of the ones who've really changed I actively like now. I've had my own lessons to learn too so I understand about that. Anyone willing to take responsibility is fine with me -- and I've noticed the ones who take responsibility act different than the ones who don't. It's hard to describe but they've got integrity rather than sliminess and the differences show throughout their words and actions. And I'm pretty incapable of holding a grudge even against people who do really want to hurt me, let alone people who've stopped.

I ditto anbuend; I feel the same. I am tremendously forgiving, maybe to a fault. Like some above wrote, if one is accountable for their actions, with a genuine 'I'm sorry,' then ok. And, yes, kids are somewhat 'exempt,' in that they're just kids and don't know otherwise. BUT adults who tease/bully - I've met them, should know better. I do not mean the occasional mistake - that's totally forgivable, but like anbuend stated, repeated pattern of purposeful hurtful behavior - that's bad! Employ avoidance techniques.

But I don't let 'them' hold me back. I've been given some seriously bad/hurtful 'advice,' etc. by neuro/psych professionals, for instance. The word is: IGNORE. But their words do hurt. I forget 'them,' their identity, but the hurt stays. Some can be very reckless with their words and do not realize the lasting effect. I think our kind are especially sensitive.

there were 5 boys, not even friends, but horrible when put together with me.
now, 5 years later, I know that:
1. killed himself. serves him right. bastard.
2. is in jail.
3. is in some sort of asylum.
4. lives from stealing bicycles.
5. is on the run, because he's afraid of being suspected of a murder only he could've done.

so, they're all pretty pathetic. reconciliation? no way.
it seems quite heavy, but its all just bad luck. that these people got together in the same class.

I actually wrote to one tonight a friend of a friend on facebook telling her that I was Dx with AS she is now a nurse apparently. Therefore she might realise what she did to me in high school she was the head bully.

one saw me downtown and actually came up and hugged me O.o
me: 'No touchie!'
her: 'I'm sorry Forgived?'
me: *looks at her oddly* 'treat me bad from grade 4-9 and this is it?'
her: 'uh... yep... I don't know what else I can do but I feel TOTALLY bad' *attempts to hug again*
me: 'No. No hugs. You are forgiven but no hugs.'

She mocked me for my social 'clumsiness' and basically made life hell for me because, although I hung out with the popular kids (my foster-sister was one of them and we were close) I was obviously not normal and therefore every time I screwed up she'd make sure I knew I did for months, once even going so far as to continuously 'accidentally' push me our whole grade 8 trip.

The other I will never forgive. She was not even in the same social group as I was and would torment me about every little detail of my life, my social issues, she constantly touched me (poke, 'accidentally' push or prod me, put her hand on my shoulder/arm/whatever she could touch cause she knew I hated it). She mocked me about my parents and how the family I lived with wasn't even mine. She once took my clothes after gym in grade 9 and threw them out (and being a suspicious person I always kept two extra pairs in my gym locker). She would make fun of my clothes, my backpack, when we went on field trips she would attempt to partner up with me and then attempt to make sure I failed the project. When we went on a history field trip she constantly kept trying to one-up me (but knew nothing about the medieval times). She actually tried to get me kicked off not only our grade 8 grad trip but also every other overnight trip including the grade 9 Quebec trip and the Toronto trip. She called me names every day and made sure others at the school hated me as well until at one point I had to stay indoors during my recesses and lunch so that I was safe.

She is now in jail for part in another teen's accidental murder and has sent me 3 letters begging for my forgiveness and help with the guilt she carries. I sent a letter back saying I would not forgive her for the basic torture she put me through for so long. I forgave her once and that panned out to me being locked out of my room with all my stuff on the grade 8 school trip and having to sleep in a different room that luckily contained a few people I didn't mind (we didn't get to choose who we roomed with it was alphabetical by gender).

I wouldn't be able to do that with any of my Ex-bullies. They didn't respect me, so I won't respect them.