26 and dependent on mommy

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That SO proves my point...

Because of all the patronising attitudes from the Professionals and Organisations towards us, parents are subtly encouraged to think of, treat and keep us like children, which actually makes us dependent, when they SHOULD be encouraged to think of and treat us as equals, one day capable of speading our wings and flying with the same independence and autonomy as anyone else.

The only difference is that many of us need accomodations and supports in specific areas...which isn't the same as needing to be a 12 year old dependent for the rest of our lives.

The catch 22 is that any attempt at being recognised as an equal and autonomous adult is likely to lead to us losing essential supports...because the Professionals and Organisations refuse to accept the reality that they have already intellectually identified which is that we are socially impaired, and intellectually equal or even often (perhaps in a compensatory way?) enhanced, and that if allowed to function on our terms, not forced to exist on theirs, we are more than capable of living independent, productive lives...

...and that until they condescend to "get" that rather obvious reality they are crushing us by the thousands in a way no human being has the right to do to any other.

Step one for them: Respect us as the equals we are and LISTEN to us directly (not through our parents)...it's so much more efficient than guessing.

Step one for us: Learn to demand and expect the above AS A RIGHT.


M

I'm 28, and you can say that while I'm not dependent on my parents all that much I am dependent on my husband. My parents did not teach me many things that I needed to know as an adult. My husband had to teach me how to drive (for the most part) how to make appts. how to fill the car with gas, how to write a check...the list could go on, and on.
There are things that I can't do. Things that most people are capable of doing without much thought. I'm going to use a concept that I read on someone's blog once to illustrate my point.
Let's say that everyday when I wake up I get 10 spoons. Each activity that I do costs x amount of spoons. Keeping my kitchen clean costs 2 spoons, taking care of my kids costs 2 spoons, making a phone call costs 3 (4 if I have to leave a message on a machine) spoons. If I have to do something out of my routine like go to a doc appt that's at least 5 spoons. Driving through a fairly metro area while fighting traffic, and remembering where I'm going costs me 11 spoons. I don't have 11 spoons, and I have no way of obtaining that many at once. Holding down a full time job while taking care of a household costs me more spoons then I'll ever possess at once. Social activities, and things that require my mind to multi-task take more spoons from my spoon account then I think that it does from a "typical" person's. It's not a bad thing, it just is. If I didn't have a husband to take up some of my shortages I can easily imagine myself still living at home with my parents, or very, very desolate.

Actually, at least in many places, gwenevyn's statements might be a bit misleading. So I will try to put it in perspective.

The US is almost treated like the EU. States have some autonomy, as long as they don't overstep the Federal boundaries, etc... Many landlords WILL "pull a credit report", and that might be harder for an immigrant to get, but many do. I imagine there is some carryover from your country of origin. It turns out that your income might not be released. It really isn't supposed to be. Even former employers are supposed to merely confirm pay, and not give it out.

MOST rating agencies will still give you a good credit score with 30% debt.

A decent apartment, from what I have seen, can vary from $400/m to just over $2000/m. Most are probably from $700-$900. The difference depends mostly on area, but I am talking about prices from decent areas. Some cost a lot less, like a room in south central LA, but I wouldn't touch those with a ten foot pole.

These numbers equate to(Assuming the apartment is 33% of your income): 14400(6.93/hour)-72000(34.62/hour) $900=$32400=(15.57/hour) That last one is probably the most realistic. $900 is about high average. It would be hard to get a place in bigger cities on the east coast or california for $900, but you still could. And $32400 is probably right in the middle for the average american salary.

Of course, I don't know what kind of job you are looking for. If you are a skilled programmer, it should be EASY to get a job for well over $32400, or even a few times that. If you want to be a grocery clerk, it is near impossible. Even a grocery clerk may be able to get a wage of $7/hour+ though.

BTW The MAIN reasons people here complain about this stuff is that MANY don't have health insurance. ALSO, the minimum wage was never meant to be high enough for people to live alone on, and some think it should.

BTW Don't forget OTHER costs! A new car probably costs an average of about $400/month(car+insurance. That is about $200 for the car, and $200 for the insurance. ). So you have to make $4800/year just for your car. Of course, many areas have bus stops within a few blocks, and they cost a lot less. As I recall, in washington DC it cost me like $20/month for transportation.

Luckily, I don't know how much health insurance costs now. It can cost a lot though. Higher paying jobs usually include it as a perk.

ALSO, I don't know about your abilities, immigration programs, etc... They DO have a program here to cut costs on housing by 80%. Where I used to live, for example, there were some luxury apartments that cost over $1200(That was back when a nice one bedroom in the san fernando valley cost about $600/month). SOME people got them for $240/month!! !! The landlord did that because they got preferential treatment on loans, permits, and taxes on the condition that a certain percentage were set aside for the "section 8" program. You have to earn below a certain amount to qualify though.

So there IS a lot to consider, but there are still opportunities.

I was with my mother until I was 24 and I am sure that had I not gone off with my ex, I would still be with her, going totally insane because she could not understand me as I am.

I am extremely dependent on my mom. She does pretty much everything for me. I have trouble talking to people I don't know. I can't talk on the phone to strangers. I am very much like a 10 year old girl. I like dolls & Disney channel. There is nothing at all "adult" about me. I truly feel I will be like this for the rest of my life. I could never live alone. I have a fear of being alone at night. I'll stay home alone during the day, but not at night. I do not date, as I simply have no interest. I consider myself asexual. If you were to meet me in person, you would probably think I was a little girl.

Don't feel bad. I'm very dependent on my mother as well, and I will probably have to live with my family members for the rest of my life. Some people with Asperger's can function alright on their own, but there are others like you or me who need help living day-to-day. There's nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for the info, saved it in case I get lucky with the green card lottery. Would be nice to be able to enjoy the low US taxes, it's not really worth it working over here with the 60-80% the government takes of your salary. Our government knows how to tax like no other. You pay slightly more than 30% off what you get from your employer in income tax, and before you get that sum, your employer has paid an equivalent amount in employer's taxes. Adding to that there's 25% general sales tax, though lower on some commodities as well as tobacco and petrol taxes. Depending on your income and spending habits, your remaining purchasing power is 20-40% of your salary. The government mostly just wastes the taxpayer money, you don't enjoy much more service here than in the US with health insurance. The $6.5 dollar/gallon petrol price would probably see many Americans choke if they came to visit.

There is nothing wrong with needing help and getting it, but there is EVERYTHING wrong with being brainwashed and conditioned to see yourself as a second class human being who cannot think or speak for yourself as the equal of any other adult.

M

Still, you have to take everything into account. I went to denmark when the minimum wage HERE was about $3-$4. (At the time I was making about $20/hour, so I didn't really think about it.) Anyway, I heard that DANISH taxes were 55%! *****BUT***** their minimum wage was about $10!(That was 60-70krone). And THEIR area was LITERALLY like a fairytale! Small areas, nice neighborhood feeling, the people didn't think about getting filthy rich, etc...(Even though cars cost a FORTUNE!) It looked nice and clean and maintained. And NO, that wasn't in the hans christian anderson area. But I was once in a VERY bad area, and people told me what STREET I was on when I encountered such bad things(Even though they were like a hundred+ miles away!). In the US, you could tell them it was in a part of town, and they couldn't narrow it down within miles. That is not to say that the US is all that bad, there are some areas where the US seems pretty nice also. That isn't thanks to the federal government though.

OH, and remember where I said the US is not TRULY centralized? Well, it REALLY shows in taxes! In some areas, an item that says it costs $10 costs $10. In OTHERS, it can cost over $11.10(due to sales tax). The same is true of cars. SOME have I guess NO local tax, others can have sales, luxury, gass guzzler, etc... As for income tax, in some areas it is only federal, and others may have state income taxes.

It WOULD be nice if someone made a list of all the differences, but I'm not aware of any. Besides, it varies in a lot of ways, and some subtle. Guns are legal in texas, less so in nevada, less so in california and, I believe illegal in Washington DC(The SAME area that displays the constitution that says they are legal!)! In some areas you can turn on red, others you can't. In some areas you can talk on a cellphone while driving, others you can't, etc....

I'm too under dependant on my mothers name, I still have problems doing my own hair, I can straighten it, but its hard, blow drying it is another story, just not possible for some reason. Still have problems cooking myself meals, still rely on mother for a couple things, and I'll be 23 soon. My mother knows though that some day I will move out on my own, right now I'm still emotionally and mentally a kid inside, still learning and still trying to find my place in this world. My brother who will be 25 soon, still lives at home too, he has ADHD, were both very immature, but we both one day will be very independant, just right now, we still need our mother. So I guess I'm sort of in the same boat, if that makes sense!

My aspie father left home at an early age to work and make his way in the world. He was never coddled in his life and coddled other people but he didn't have anything to say to me other than to tell me to improve my conduct so that I wouldn't "aggravate" my mother. My mother is NT and hasn't really worked at a real job and at home, she used to draw attention to her exhaustion having to take care of the entire family by cooking dinner every night. I am an aspie and I do not draw attention to my contributions nor have I been coddled and had a family secretary helping me with schoolwork or life's sundry paperwork. My brother is fragile x and is the one who acts like he cannot bring himself to take meals in the home and he must be asked twice (very annoying) whether he wants to eat a prepared meal. He also acts ungrateful and does not really acknowledge that he gets his hand held so left to his own devices, he hasn't replaced the empty tissue box in his room nor changed his sheets for weeks. I also highly doubt that he has sent out a resume and letters of reference that he needs for a job opening. He also needs to send in a check to cover an annual fee at his bank and he has made passive aggressive comments about "we should be sending that out." I'm done with my family so I have no emotions about them but I have noticed that he has taken to pounding harder and harder on my door. This thread compelled me to describe my family patter of the aspies being the ones who hold up at least their share of the sky.

CeriseLy, I'm not trying to be rude here, but I don't think that it's fair to just assume that your Fragile-X brother is just being lazy. I know quite a bit about Fragile-X, because both of my sons had been tested for it, and the tests came back pointing to an abnormal gene that is not yet mutated, but could in future generations. People with fragile-x always have autism, and most usually have mental retardation to some degree. Your brother does need a lot of assistance in everyday activities. If you can't assist him, and your family can't why doesn't he go to a place that can?

He just washed the dishes this morning after more than a week of my steering clear of him and he works a job for five years or more now where he provides customer service and regularly steps up to the plate. He is DEFINITELY mentally ret*d and emotionally young but the guy doesn't act passive aggressive about meals or pulling his own weight when he is with friends or at work. He curses when he finds a roach in the bathroom yet he and his mother leave their dishes out on the table nevermind not in the dishwasher so I clear their food encrusted dishes at 3 am every night. He is definitely pulling some passive aggressive stuff. I've read some messages on a fragile x forum where parents say their children are extra sweet but my brother has been manipulated by my mother so that the child's values are spoilt and I don't want to be dragged into anything with her by his treacherous weakness.

He won't detach from her and I can hear how his weakness feeds her rages but his lack of appreciation where he needs to get what he wants out of her and will suffer her games to get them but that actually tortures her because she feeds his lack of independence which makes her more furious at her burden so he does torture her in return. Palms facing up, I can't do anything for either one of them. I tried to get him to just apply to Landmark college and he pulled a severe act of passive aggression by bursting into tears when he was a lone with her and giving her the opening for a cursing tirade against my character. They were alone together in his room and it was such a farce. Enjoy the takeout orders four hours late, buddy. He's not so fragile x that he doesn't get what is going on and fragile x is not an excuse for his ruthless choices. That is all about character.

I am 32, and my parents take me out once a week for lunch to get groceries.

also it is very hard to make a living in america! you have to make atleast $45,000 a year here to live comfortably. i dont know what that translates into how much an hour you need to make at your job but still, it is no easy task!!