Funny literalisms

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Literally speaking topic

Some of the literalisms are really amusing, such as the old adage 'one swallow does not make a summer'. I used to think of it as some sort of beverage, like koolaid, that we would only have in the summer months, and we would not have much of it until the weather got really hot! (We would not be swallowing much punch until we were sizzling!) Later I learned that a swallow was a bird, and there would have to be a proliferation of these feathered fliers before we could really be sure that summer was upon us!

Actually, theses expressions can be understood literally, and visually. An example is 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.' I would imagine holding a bird and then imagining two hiding in the bushes. I could trade the bird I was holding for what might be in the bush. Of course, there was no guarantee those birds were there. So I learned not to take risks. Better to have one real bird than two possible ones! Needless to say, I do not gamble, ever!

And I agree with the posters who harbour a disdain for small talk. Litter-ally garbage!!

Yesterday my dad told me, "I'm going to get up the same time as dawn tomorrow."

I asked him, "but how do you know what time Dawn's getting up?"

Actually, this probably doesn't count because it was a joke. I don't take things literally half as much as I used to, so no funnies today.

I don't like it when people at award shows ask "Who are you wearing?" I think it just sounds stupid. The first time I heard it I was so confused...are they wearing clothing made out of people? how the hell is that possible?! !

Okay...literalisms...I'm especially good at these.

Today, my boss sent out a mass email talking about HIPPA regulations. "In order to maintain privacy on your computer when looking at client files, tilt your screen slightly downward or move your screen in a direction that non privy parties cannot see."

Okay, what's a non privy party? Is that a party not in an outhouse? My boss wrote back. No, it has nothing to do with outhouses. Thank God, I hear those parties are really not attractive! (And kinna stinky, too). I really had an image of a bunch of people standing outside an outhouse having a party. Two signs. Privy party on the outhouse. Non privy party on the other party. LOL.

I was really distracted when he sent that. Often my literalisms come from being distracted and not paying attention to what is going on around me.

Last night my daughter and i were watching an old Jimmy Stewart movie. There was a scene where he was carefully and slowly following a lovely girl in a car through meandering neighborhood streets in surveillance. After watching this for a while, my daughter said, "That's the most boring chase scene ever." I proceeded to explain in detail that it was just a surveillance tailing and not a chase and why. When i was finished and after about 2 minutes of silence, it dawned on me that she may have been speaking in irony. I asked if she was joking about it and she said yes. Then the comment was suddenly funny.

Our house was very organized when I was a kid growing up, everything had its place and we were expected to put things back where we got them. One day my father needed the scissors and couldn't find them. They weren't where they were supposed to be. We all had to make a thorough search of the house to find them. I found them under my bed with my paper dolls and proudly took them to my father. He gave me a long lecture about always putting things back where I found them. After the lecture he looked at me and said "Now where are you going to put the scissors?" I said "under my bed." He laughed his ass off.

I had a classic literalism moment today.

I was with a couple of friends, and somehow we got into a discussion about Noah's Ark. We were talking about how the huge animals got in there, why the lions didn't eat the gazelles, where the food was stored, all the practical details that nobody else would really think of.

Then, out of the blue, one of my friends said "who shut the door?"

I looked round and said, "I did. On the way in."

I realised a split second later that he was obviously asking who shut the door on the Ark. D'oh.

Oo, i got a new one yesterday. A couple of ladies were talking and one said that someone-or-other "lost his job because of cuts". The first thing that came to mind was that he was disturbed and had been cutting himself-unacceptable to any employer, i'd think. But i know these people and that man is middle-aged and conservative, so i realized she meant "job cuts" as in layoffs. It all happened in seconds but was kind of funny to think, even for a second, that someone like that would be emo.