Do you keep your problems to yourself?

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Yeah, I try and manage on my own as long as I can but eventually I blurt out a lot of stuff.

CockneyRebel, much thanks for presenting this post as, there has been times when various "NT" persons would constantly want to know why or what is bothering me despite their since attempts I'd not address such inquiries but, rather instead act as if I did not notice such.. For me in a personal sense, I've never found anyone that I felt comfortable with in speaking about problems whether they're large or insignifincantly small in nature.. Honestly, I'm not good at make rational judgements in whom to Trust So, the case more than not works out where the other party(ies) involved simply give up on talking to me altogether.. I'm aware that communication is vital but, once I had read in one of those tips on dating books it stated that you did not wish to burden your girlfriend,mate,prospective wife with way too much anxieties or concerns so, these days. I tend to remain quiet unless there is good cause for me to talk or type that is..

ProfessorX

I can't visualize my life without doing that.

Oh mylanta does this all sound familiar! Yes, i keep it all mostly to myself doing all the over-analyzing, etc., but have learned a few things about that. This is all based, of course, only on my own experience with my problems and my experience from the "other side" trying to connect with an Aspie child when he has problems and "get on the same page" with mutual understanding and mutually acceptable solutions. And cuz i'm just older and have had to fight through it all sans diagnosis-survival skills.

1. Sometimes, upon reflection, there really was no problem, i just misunderstood someone or something due to comprehending only the usually inaccurate verbal part of an exchange or incident or circumstance (which experts assert only accounts for about 20% of all communication). So keeping it to myself provides a valuable service to solving the problem by keeping me from opening my mouth before i really understand which would likely make it worse. ("our" and "we", etc. henceforth meaning the Aspies of my home)

2. The problem is often due to our stress over change or sensory issues or illness and simply identifying that and dealing with the true issue is better than also making it someone else's problem. E.g. laying blame on someone else for the fact that i feel stressed or crummy when the actual problem is simply, in fact, the way i have responded to something difficult for me. (I am in no way assuming anyone else is doing this, just being honest about what we can tend to struggle with here in my house.) Even simply sharing those issues can "wear out" those who can't possibly understand, so i save the telling for problems for which i truly need assistance. When the issue is one caused my various sensitivities, i just tell people i'm tired or something and that i'll get over it shortly and then remove myself or the cause if at all possible.

3. When a problem has been identified that actually has any cause outside ourselves, we then have the extraordinary difficulty of even approaching someone to work out a relational problem or to ask for the help we need to get a problem solved. It can feel impossible. I have found, though, that the more i practice at it, the better i get.

Once someone has been approached for reasons i have decided are valid based on the analyzing and self-grilling process, it is then extremely difficult to effectively communicate to them what we mean or what we need. It is, of course, doubly (or more) so if it involves any strong feelings, like Chamoisee conveyed. Again, though, i have found that practice results in improvement each time. There is naturally also much more likelihood for success, if the other party already understands the "Aspie-ness" of my communication and can work to meet me half way.

I have learned one very effective tool for this-analogy. It took some effort, but i have learned to come up with an illustration the other person can grasp to help them understand how they or the issue is affecting me. For instance, if i know that rap music makes them want to tear their own hair out, i'll remind them of that feeling by saying something like, "You know how you feel when you hear rap?", and then explain that is how this 'whatever' affects me/makes me feel. It's been invaluable to me as the only tool to vaguely help an NT see what i feel without me having to understand the feeling or name it.

Like CockneyRebel, i also find it most beneficial to give an evasive excuse like being tired or feeling unwell (which is always true at such times anyway) until i have gotten through my analyzing and then only share with those who can be trusted. I do have to be patient with them, though, (and they with me) while i work hard to get us to understand each other fully. In short, i think that it is mainly a fundamental communication problem and that we have to take additional steps in communication in order to ever be fully understood. On the upside, i also think that we're smart and that we can learn how!

I hope this does not come off as 'pat' answers or an assumption of all the answers. These are just the things that i have learned and found helpful and hope will be helpful to someone else.

Sry so long.

Same here, im the exact same way. People tell me i overanalyze, think too much and so on. ITS THE WAY I AM FOR GODS SAKE!

This has led to me keeping stuff to myself, or ranting here after i found this site. I cant stand having people questioning me about my issues, having to explain stuff over and over only to hear a comment like: "you overanalyze stuff". So i tend to just say: "im fine " And ive gotten quite good at faking fine as well.

Yes.
And then they build and build and build and then something huge happens.
A massive argument, meltdown, self harm or worse.
It can't be change, its just how I am.

No one gives a rat's @ss about anyone's issues except their own. And they say WE have no empathy. Even those who are PAID to help others deal with problems are not motivated to do anything other than push the same paperwork they shuffled yesterday.

What earthly point is there in talking to anyone about the broken glass in your gut? They'll either one-up you with their own woe that's sooo much bigger and more urgent, or pooh-pooh yours as inconsequential (easy to do as they weren't really listening anyway). The only time they hear you is when you scream it in their face and then what you're saying isn't important because you're being completely irrational. I can't talk about what I really feel, even to my therapist, for fear of being locked in a ward and fed medication, which wouldn't actually solve anything. But then, what would? Sadly, I know the answer...

If no one gives a r___ a___, that would include everyone here at WP. Anytime we speak in absolutes we cannot be speaking truthfully. I think you are speaking that way because it is how you feel, but i hope you can believe that this statement only speaks of your painful feelings and not actual fact. I am so sorry that the feedback you have received has made it seem this way to you. But i have known and know many, many people, mostly NTs, who care very deeply about others' issues, often at sacrifice to their own needs.

The problem has been that it is so very hard to either tell them my trouble in the first place, or that when i do, i communicate it in a way that does not sound as severe as it is because i lack the accompanying show of feeling that most people recognize. They have often mistaken that to mean that things were tough for me, but that i was doing just fine through it. There certainly are many completely selfish people out there, but not all. I believe, though, that we have to do our part in working to communicate in a way that can be understood or at least met half way. Yes, we probably have to work harder than "they" do, but i think it is important enough to try. I hope you find a way to connect with those who truly care. In the meantime, i hope you at least believe that we on WP do.

yep.

There's nothing that anyone can do about how my brain is wired (or miswired or whatever) so there is no point to it.

yeah i keep my problems to myself but i get called things like a grinch or a grumpy prick etc