Diagnosed when older? The process of accepting the dx?

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I seem to be at the far shore of the 'Sea of Misery' stage of post diagnosis.

Initially I was relieved mostly to know why I'm not like anyone else around me, rather than going on the sense of simply being somewhere between 'not right' and 'mad'.

The realization that it'll never change or get better then crashed in, and think I've been teetering on the edge of depression ever since, which sucks because I'd beaten that and come off antidepressants 6 months ago and I don't want to have to go back there again.

It's not even depression as such, it's just a real deep apathy that sees me do very little.

Anyway, I know I have to break out of the doldrums, so I've sent away an application to join a local AS and HFA social group. I'm hoping meeting other aspies might help.

If anything, reading the descriptions of AS and life-experience here has so far given me a lot of comfort, and self-understanding, it's weird to see your deepest quirks and secrets being so accurately described by others, and like another poster in this thread has already said, that makes me feel a lot less alone, or isolated from the whole of humanity....

I agree, actually. I also would not want to change myself and i am relieved and glad to be an AS person. I suppose the main area of grief for me has been in the area of my career.....a number of years agao i started building up a painting career - after a lifetime pf floating and chronic isolation - and getting some success. But there is this jarring problem with people and openings and networking and being misunderstood and being too verbose which is often mistaken for me being "arrogant<" and in fact i am far from that. I have such low self-esteem and fear of the world and i just cannot fathom how others do life. At least here on WP there are others who do relate to this and understand. even a lot of other artists find me to be a kind of superbrain obsessive who rattles on and does her own thing and is quite odd. i do not fit. I am a true eccentric individual and it feels lonely at times. I would never want to change who i am, but i am realising - while there have been lots of improvements in my life in the past decade and lots of peace that has come with the Aspergers realisation, there is this deep sense that how it is, is how it is. There is nothing more I can really do to try to fit in than i have not already done. I had hoped I could somehow penetrate the art world more, but it is all too exhausting and tiring and i feel as if i would do better just to climb into my little Aspergers hole and keep painting for me and stuff the world. I actually spent time with people last week - other artists - and the result of that is that i must sleep to get over the exhaustion of social exchanges which i find tiring and unfathomable. (even though i can bluff my way through these days at 46. ....Soemthing i could not do until a few years ago, after a lot of Cognitive therapy.)

thanks for your posts people.

but aren't most artists eccentric?

For me it is interesting that you put emphasis on 'acceptance' of the diagnoses. I found it to be more like a 'confirmation' that made it 'okay' to be who I am and that I didn't need to hide in the shadows anymore after so many years of thinking that I probably had some significant mental disorder and was 'sick' in the head.
The fear that I would offend other people with my strangeness has held me back for decades from things I wanted to explore but was ashamed to do since it would make me more obvious to others.

I think the big realization finally comes when you realize that you don't need "to fit in" in the first place and that you are your own person and can do your own thing as they used to say.

NOT AT ALL Greentea!! Most artists are creative of course, but creativity does not equate wtih eccentricity! at the level I am at, it is very much about "networking, career trajectory, curators, who is who," and quite frankly, the scene is exceedingly conservative and very, very strictured in terms of HOW things MUST be done to "make it!" Those who "make it" these days are often great schmoozers --- which kind of puts us auties at a slight disadvantage! i am not a good schmoozer. eg. Last year - a curator started bragging to me that he had lunch with our Prime MInister in order to try to secure funding for a new regional gallery plan. Rather than smiling and looking beautiful and stroking his ego (which afterwards i was told is what i was supposed to have done) I actually said "oh yuck. and did you tell the Prime MInister how appalling and right wing his policies are and how odious he is to be doing what he is doing to our country??" Aspie foot in mouth! the curator avoids me these days!! I am glad i said it, but it does me no good. THis is the stuff i find hard about being a talkative aspie (i am not a quiet type.)

It is actually very corrupt, and it is completley unregulated. There are no cheques and balances that safeguard against nepotism and the like. and being an AS woman with a strong social justice bent, i tend to whistle blow on the scene! In the annals of art history, often the eccentric artists who show a lot of exploration and originality, have this kind of problem where they do not fit. I am in no way placing myself on par with someone such as cezanne for example. But what i do know, is the scene these days is run like a corporate machine which is all about starmaking and money. it is ugly and i cannot cope with it. I have even been bullied in the scene by other women artists who are threatened by me or simply do not understand why i am the way i am.

So, that is more the reality. I was actually on national tv in my own country last night on an art program. Because o fmy mindlblindness as my mum said to me this morning after watching teh show - the progam editors have a feild day because i say things without realising they are contentious or inflammatory. i am just being aspie honest. I do know a bit about the scene and it is not what it is cracked up to be.

thank you gary re that tweaking regarding "acceptance" and "confirmation." i see what you are saying. There is a lot of confirmation too of course. and that is where incredible releif comes in

I have tried desperately to fit in my whole life. ANd the As dx does give me some relief in that i am aware i do not need to try anymore. I wonder if that is more in line with being a woman with AS in terms of the cultural expectations that a woman of my age and generation is expected to mould themselves a little more to what others expect of them. I could never adequately do that, but it really was unconsciusly and subliminally drummed into me. That was hard for a tomboy girl who collected branches and pieces of wood and then attached them to fishing line and hung them from her sloping bedroom ceiling. (not the stuff of normal girldom!) But teh great chasm between who i am and was and what the expectations were and have been, led to a lifetime of confusion and utter panic about how to exist with others. (perhaps my saving grace has also been i have a mother who - wthout saying she has AS - acknowledges jsut how many traits she exhibits. And she is a superbrain mother of eight who was hellish back then because of severe meltdowns and rigidity and eccentricity.she and i relate a great deal now. )

I can certainly cease trying now. and that has been happening. That is very very good. I can nail all the branches to any ceiling that i so choose!! what i am saying is that i believe some of my dreams are crumbling now too. NOt a bad thing. BUt a new and quite unfamiliar process that will no doubt have its logical conclusion at some point in the future.

Geographical relocation is my answer for almost everything that bugs people on the spectrum. Even though we love regularity and routine we also thrive on change and grow most when we have to make changes. I've found that moving a lot, from place to place, has helped me tremendously. I call it the lifelong vacation. It keeps us from falling into deep holes.

Geographical relocation is my answer for almost everything that bugs people on the spectrum. Even though we love regularity and routine we also thrive on change and grow most when we have to make changes. I've found that moving a lot, from place to place, has helped me tremendously. I call it the lifelong vacation. It keeps us from falling into deep holes.

when reading these stories i sometimes wish i had a big space ship and could accommodate all who fall within the AS, and then we could find another planet, but then this world would become a dark place...

i dont know how, but i am amazed at how some of you guys have been able to handle the acceptance..i hope i am as brave in my transition, from trying to be someone i am not, to becoming myself....

now i worry though, will people and family understand?

and i wonder if my guilt from things in my past will fade when i accept that i could not have acted any differently.. as now i do have allot of guilt issues, and shame about things....

Somone your are not and then yourself. This is almost what I've felt all my life. For many of us we aren't really born with a 'persona' so we have to adopt one. I developed mine in great detail over many years. I'm still not sure I actually have a personality that comes from inside myself but what I have must do. It's a 'pathfinding' type of thing, making a way through life and it can be hard. I've been on the verge of giving up many times but then I realize that I'm actually way better than most people who just trudge thru life without ever questioning. I still have about a billion questions to ask and I expect to work out the answers myself if I can't get some help.