Conversations where it's like you're not there

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I am the exact same way.

This is another one of those threads where I have this wonderful feeling of "Wow, I'm not alone!" and a terrible feeling of "Oh, no, lots of people other than me have to go through this awful stuff..."

I have definitely been in situations where the intention was clearly malicious, but most of the time, I don't think it is. I find that typical people find it very, very hard to read me properly. I don't make eye contact in a typical way, and many people think that means I'm uninterested in what they have to say; they don't realize that it allows me to listen to what they have to say. I don't keep up with the conversation well, so my body language must be as time delayed as my words. It's not just my mind and my mouth that are responding to what was said 5-10 seconds ago; my body is stuck in the same time warp. Plus, I'm not much interested in socializing when I go to the grocery store. I'm there to buy groceries, so if I meet up with people I know and they want to get into a conversation, I'm either a deer stuck in the headlights and can't extricate myself, or I manage to just say, "Hi, how are you, good to see you," and keep moving while my mind is saying "Flee! Flee!"

For dealing with groups of people, I've found that I can use my sense of humor to be part of the conversation. So I tend to be quiet a lot, but if something occurs to me that's funny and I can time it properly, it usually works and people enjoy it. I'm not like the class clown or anything; that would be tiring. I just make a joke and laugh and somehow that helps me find a zone in which to operate with people.

My wife kind of helps me out sometimes, too. If I say something and everybody ignores me, sometimes she will speak up for me and get everybody to listen.

That's exactly why I come here.

Yeah, comunication sucks, all the time, that's why I speak only when necessary

Yes, I get louder and louder until they can hear me and respond. Sometimes I wait or don't say anything at all.

It happens to me all the time, and I get up and leave the conversation, even when it is family or work or whatever. I just refuse to sit there and take it. Now, on conversations where they do listen to me, and I'm really excited about the conversation and can't put in all I want to because of interruptions, I realize that it is because I want to monologue instead of not being heard at all, and I do sit patiently and actively listen in those situations. But if I can't get the word "yeah, but" in, then I'm gone. Forget those people who obviously just like listening to themselves talk which is something they like to say about us. Funny when the pot calls the kettle black huh? It still makes you feel like a five year old trying to be part of the grown up conversation, and that's usually when I realize that five year olds often make better conversation.

Yeah this happens to me. I was told recently that people are "hijacking" conversations and it's the norm. To me it isn't good social etiquette and shouldn't be deemed as good social skills but I wonder if some people can't stand silence.

I usually don't talk much if around people I don't know well or if two people are having conversation just let them talk. I can talk someone's ear off on the phone now but that wasn't the case years ago.

Wow, this is interesting about the closed circle...this happens to me, too. Though, sometimes it happens very quickly, particularly with people I don´t really know; i.e., I have the feeling that people are turning their backs on me. I´ve been wondering if this has to do with my body language? It happens mostly in those group "mingling" situations. (But my friends don´t turn their backs on me- they know I´m a fascinating converstionalist, ha!)

This has been an interesting thread, and I think I learned a lot! I didn´t know that about the social hierarchy thing. I´m going to have to do some observing now...

Yeah exactly 'mingling' is the right word - where its not necessarily a group of your close friends its just a bunch of people who know eachother talking and people come and go in and out of the group. I guess it has to do with body language? I really have no idea because I don't notice it happening. All I know is that I did not move at all but I'm not in the group anymore. And at that point I would usually go "HEY! How'd I get out here?" And people would be like 'get back in here' (it was a known problem because I'd always bring it up) and make room for me. 3 minutes later... same deal. I don't get into group mingling situations any more but that happened every single time I ever did join one.

I DONT GET IT!!

I don't seem to be good at converstation, either. It is comforting to have an "i'm not alone" moment.

My personal wit is too obscure and/or dry, I'm told. I have dummied down my humor and vocabulary when with others and am better accepted then.

I am also frequently jostled in public and whoever bumped into me invariable says, "Oh, I didn't even see you." Sometimes, to retaliate, I pretend to not have noticed they bumped me. I just give them a puzzled look and ask, "What."

Well, I think that you are less boring than I am. You have more pithy, entertaining comments.

if it only worked like that IRL ;p thanks anyway

Happens all the time in engineering & sports & things where there is data. People start talking and establish who knows what, then the person who knows less defers to the other. But it's not just information & depth, they also negotiate personality. Like one person might not know a lot about a particular issue, but say something funny and the other person laughs and likes him more. So there is both negotiating who is the more influential in certain areas and also how much they like each other.

My girly girlfriend told me that girls chatter about clothes, shoes, etc. to exchange information about what kind of people they are... frugal, sophisticated, trendy, sexy, conservative. What kind of shoes you buy tells a lot about your personality, if you are a shoe person, apparently, also about who has more money and status.

Only I never really get this. In conversations, I just spew information like a robot. Unless I try very hard to be charming.

I'm with the rest of you, here. It happens all the time. Someone here suggested that being closed out of the circle may have something to do with your body language and eye contact (or lack thereof). I agree, but in my experience, if I make an effort to use more assertive body language and eye contact, then I get funny looks from people which make me worry that I've overstepped some boundary. You can't win.

The idea of establishing social "lice-picking" order is interesting. Many years ago I had a best friend/housemate who was quite an extrovert. She would invite her friends from work over, and they were all a bunch of redneck, Budweiser-drinking men who talked about nothing but the size of their pick-up trucks and the size of other men's pick-up trucks. Once in a while, for variation, they'd talk about the size of their barbeque grills or something like that. It would go on for hours, and I'd eventually retreat to my room, which seemed to baffle people. But it really was nothing more than lice-picking.

Very strange.

Yeah, I can agree with that... If we were all sitting around together talking about this, I would probably be dead silent.