Coping with an AS Co-worker

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sinsboldly
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11 Jan 2009, 4:03 pm

marla wrote:

Just wanted to give everyone an update...

I (and my co-workers) have been making more of an effort to include our possible Aspie co-worker, and we have definitely been less critical of her behavior, which seems to have helped all of us.

Another co-worker (whom she is closest with) took her to lunch the other day and basically had a "heart-to-heart" talk with her about how her behavior makes her co-workers feel, etc. (with no mention of AS), and why we (the NTs) react the way we do, etc. She told her in a very loving, caring way - more of a "let's try to work on this together and make your experience at work a more pleasant one." Our (possible) Aspie co-worker was unbelievably appreciative, and I am very hopefull that we will all have a much better working relationship going forward.

Marla,
I wanna come work in YOUR office! :lol:

What a wonderful group of people to work with. You have come up with a lot of 'out of the box' thinking that has made it a win-win situation for all of us, even people that don't work in your office. I wonder if I can bring this up with some friendly people in MY office?
How would you suggest I broach the subject? How would people like to be talked to about this?

Merle

marla
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11 Jan 2009, 5:09 pm

Merle -

I first have to thank you and all your fellow Aspies for all your advice. It was really was very helpful. I know that during the past week, many of us were more direct with her with what we needed (based on the advice from this posting) and tried not to use "subtle" hints -r "imply" what we wanted, etc. - it really made a difference.

Basically, we knew our co-worker wasn't a bad person - we just didn't know why there was such a problem communicating with her.

I would love to tell you that if you tell your co-workers you have AS, they would be understanding, etc. But I know that's not realistic. As with any job, there are understanding compassionate people and there are jerks. There are those who will want to find out more about AS in an effort to get closer to you, and those who will think it's just "weird" and write you off. Unfortunately, that's a call only you can make.

(I know if someone confided in me about a condition they have, I would first be honored that they trusted me enough to tell me and I would want to do whatever it was that they needed from me...but again, others may not feel the same.)

Whatever you decide, please know that you have this NT's deepest gratitude for your honesty and courage in trying to help bridge the gap between Aspies and NTs. I mean, no matter how differently our brains may be wired, we all want to be treated with respect and dignity. And don't ever settle for anything less!! !

Ticker
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11 Jan 2009, 5:26 pm

marla wrote:

Wow Marla that's just incredible what you have done. For the sake of this possibly Aspie I want to thank you for being gentle with her. I wished I worked at a place where people are understanding like that. I hope that you all continue to work in a positive manner. Also realize approaching everyone gently, including NT's, makes for a better work environment. Just think how much time you spend with your co-workers versus family and then one sees how important it is for everyone to get along. Plus it makes business sense as everyone is more productive if they get along. Also adds to the quality of the product or service no matter what you are in the business of doing.

Ticker
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11 Jan 2009, 5:36 pm

Nan wrote:

Ticker wrote:

IActually, no, it's not. The ADA rules you are worried about here Ticker deal with hiring only. An employer is not allowed to ask someone if they have a disability during the interview process. Co-workers making inquiries are not in any way covered/not covered by the ADA (or any other USA workplace rule of which I am aware).

You may be right about ADA. But if it got too out of hand wouldn't inquiring co-workers be tip-toeing into harassment territory?

Nan wrote:

But I agree that you won't want to just confront her with your thoughts on Asperger's. It could be a large number of things that cause her to behave as she does. It could be cultural, it could be the way she was reared by her family, it could be many things. And, yes, it's miserable when you have workplace failures. Thinking that her co-workers think "there's something wrong with her" might not help her stress levels if she's aware that she's not fitting in.

This is all very true. While this story seems to have turned out okay in the way Marla handled it others have to be careful should they chose to try to intervene a co-worker. What I'm trying to say is its entirely delicate procedure to approach a co-worker whom everyone else has already determined on their own has Aspergers. I mean you would not approach other co-workers accusing them of alcoholism or schizophrenia even though both those conditions could also influenece how they act on the job. Aspies shouldn't be pounced on in the workplace for not fitting in anymore than anyone else would. And 9 out of 10 chance IF the woman in question has Aspergers she probably doesn't even know about Aspergers.

Nan
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11 Jan 2009, 7:25 pm

Ticker wrote:

Nan wrote:

Ticker wrote:

You may be right about ADA. But if it got too out of hand wouldn't inquiring co-workers be tip-toeing into harassment territory? It would have to be ongoing and severe, and she would have to have been identified as disabled formally, I ~think~ (it's been a while since I took administrative/HR law classes). And at that point, it would not be an ADA issue - ADA is primarily equal access and non-discrimination in employment. It could run afoul of individual state labor laws, again, sorry, my memory is just too fuzzy. Possibly a Civil Rights case, as it would be in cases of sexual harassment.

Nan wrote:

I agree. There are entirely too many variables that could be at play. Addressing the behavior is not out of line, though. Just leave the labeling to those that are paid to do so.

Nicely done, Marla.

nettiespaghetti
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12 Jan 2009, 11:32 am

Nan wrote:

Ticker wrote:

It's also entirely possible that she's clueless. If you do want to actively do something, give her feedback. It's entirely possible that nobody has actually told her how she's coming across - in her entire life. People seem to want to avoid conflict, and so they will smile and walk away or make some "oh nevermind, it wasn't important" fluffy statement when, actually, it was something serious. It's not unheard of for an Aspie to make it well into adulthood and have no idea that they're acting differently than "the norm" or that people have negative perceptions of them.P.

Very good point. My mother is one of those entirely clueless people. Even though I've tried in the nicest way possible to help her she still is fairly clueless of how she drives people absolutely crazy if they are exposed to her for a very long period of time. Sad but true. And these people like my Mom will either ignore you or have very hurt feelings, but little will ever change.

_________________
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former - Albert Einstein

JoJerome
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12 Jan 2009, 8:19 pm

I too want to work for/with Marla! Where do I apply?

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