Why do people use the phrase "Life isn't fair" to

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@marshall: Your pet peeve is practically my view on the economy -- in the most basic sense.

I think some people are confusing two totally different things here. One thing is a true statement and another is a manipulation. How to tell one from the other? By context. Eg: If you're sharing your pain with someone and they interrupt you with "Well, you have to accept that life isn't fair" they're actually telling you they're not willing to support you emotionally or with practical help. It's a way to shut you up, give you the bird. That's why it's unnerving. They could just as well say "Ok, now give me one of your lovely smiles" (this used to be a popular way to shut someone up about their pain or anger in the past) or "Everything will be all right", or "Don't worry, be happy".

ahhh good point; i didnt consider the empathy factor... doh! argh... mea culpa

i guess the point i was trying to make in earlier posts is that in my experiences, so many unfair things have happened to me, especially when it comes to me getting my way, and getting what i want, that the phrase is true; this happens to everyone; nobody gets everything they want.

if one dwells to long on personal unfullfillment, one ends up bitter and spiteful. this is my personal experience.

of course, it's healthy to vent. but to hang on to the unfairness for a long time certainly isnt healthy, and it's non productive.

@Greentea:

That's it! The trouble is it always seems like the latter case to me. It always sounds totally trite, unhelpful, and condescending. It's like they're saying "hey, look at me, I'm so proud of myself for having such great wisdom and insight, if only you could see the world how I do all your troubles would disappear". Yea right. I'd have to give myself a partial lobotomy to be able to ignore human injustice and mistreatment. Just remove all my emotions so I can sit around drooling thinking "everything is just fine".

NTs grasp the intent of the words and we Aspies grasp the words themselves (see my thread "NTs do things with conversation". An NT knows that the person is not trying to appear wise by quoting this truth, but is trying to gently/politely make them stop sharing their pain. The medicine to not get angry and stop having this as a sensitive issue for you, is to try and gauge someone's interest (or lack thereof) in hearing your complaints BEFORE they go to this resort of having to tell you to smile or that life isn't fair. If you can't, then at least know that they don't mean to sound wise, they just mean to cut your flow. Then you're free to choose if you will continue liking this person or not, in the light of your new discovery that he/she's not interested in listening to your problems. And then, when you start giving them as much as they give you, ie no listening, no caring for their troubles, they'll start respecting you and actually listening when you share. Such a very wise person as you, marshall, I'd hate to see you jump through this silly crutch loop NTs throw at each other and us.

I experience some of that myself.

Exactly. Same for me. But it doesn't anger me as much now that I'm free to take it as what it is: denial to give. Because it leaves me free to stop giving them too. In the past, what angered me was that I didn't understand they were denying me help, so I continued being there for them while they would always brush me off with some "just go with the flow", "life isn't fair", "now give me a smile" comment. When you know you can stop giving too, you don't need anger as your defense. It just happens naturally that you accept their attitude as you adjust yours.

I see dismissive responses like that as sometimes worse than the actual thing being talked about, because in not being supportive, the person on the other end of the conversation is allowing themselves to be complicit in whatever injustice took place.

It's also intellectual laziness to the extreme to say "life's not fair" and leave it at that. Yeah, natural disasters aren't fair. Luck or fate isn't fair. Natural causes of death aren't fair. But people? We INVENTED the concept of fair, and we have no excuse not to uphold it to the best of our ability. We might screw up sometimes, yeah. But using the "life isn't fair" comment gives humanity a license to be douchebags. It would be better to hold everyone to a high standard rather than letting them get away with evil because it's easier.

If the things that happened to us happened to the ones who say "Life isn't fair," they'd whine probably whine about life being unfair, or immoral, or that the liberals are destroying everything, etc.

timeisdead, in regards to this post, I know of a fellow Aspergian whom lives in the same apartment complex who, often says the following expression which you have stated in your post.Basically He(Donald) tends to look at life with a very dour perception and often has been on occasion to utter obscenities here and there. Yet, in some ways I can understand him for, he grew up in a time(1950's) when there was no such thing known as, Aspergers as such.. Along with this he also had to endure a great amount of bullying and later in life wound up getting severly injured on a physical level however, unlike Donald I choose not to be pessimistic as such. Yes, I've had a great deal of difficulty myself as an Aspergian but, pressing onwards I've been doing despite being bullied and mental abused by various persons throughout my life, I've not stopped from trying to find some serenity.

I hope that many of you here are able to find some serenity even, if it's not all that you seek??

ProfessorX

So what would be the best reply after someone says "Life isn't fair" ?