Aspergers and victim complex

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I've learned a few things from this thread.
But please know that I never actually dismiss someone's problem as "Not a problem".

Err.. I've never heard of them. That must have been someone else.

Intentions do matter, hale_bopp. Sometimes, even though our intention is to be good, how we word things is different from our intentions. That's why how people word things can often be the difference between being supportive or being, well, nasty. And I won't lie, I've done this, too. I have to be consciously aware of how I word things at all times, especially because I'm sensitive myself and I hate it when people word things in a way which upsets me. Some might consider that walking on eggshells. I say it's because I've had a bad life and I just want people to say supportive words to me.

Sometimes, in our heads, we picture saying this response that is well thought out. In reality, it may be well thought out, but the way in which it is phrased really changes the meaning. That may or may not be what's going on here. All I know is that people have dismissed me all my life, and part of being "empowered" and taking my life back is stopping people and saying, "NO! My feelings, thoughts, and experiences ARE valid, and so is this persons!" By stopping the same type of language used by people that have abused me, hurt me, and broke me, people begin to learn that what they say really DOES matter.

Also, sometimes certain word usage is so common and taboo to criticize that people don't even fathom it could hurt people. After all, if it's so common, people think it couldn't do that. Example: It's kind of like saying sexist stuff "accidentally". You pretty much just repeat things you've heard your whole life without really deconstructing it and figuring out it really is sexist. Therefor, you might argue that it's not sexist unless you take a critical view of it yourself.

LOL...you learn something new every day.

I've never heard the term "gaslighting" before today.

That's a terrible thing to do: create false memory, or deny true memories.

Also, sorry if I myself have offended anyone. I don't THINK I did, but sometimes when I feel hurt, well, I get a little nasty. This may be TMI, but it's also about to be "that time of the month", and I think I get into a warrior-mode when that happens.

Thanks. Bleh. This whole situation has me in a spin. My new "counselor" is young, not highly educated or experienced - very green, into forms and simplistic tests. Just one horrible example is that she decided I had agoraphobia - I had to show her pictures of how I grew up on the range and vast open spaces, vacation in that and love it! I was a a pilot, mountain climber, black-slope siker, big game hunter and fisher! I'm an agoraphile! So, talk about getting it wrong and deferring to "family" is really unreal. I need to get out of this. I am invalidated and feel unsafe/not listened to. But want to "leave my record", true grit and all.

Yes, there is the family/group projection problem you experienced. Sorry. Borderlines are very difficult. Mine were meglomaniacs/malignant narcissists and psychopaths. The results/effects of such can be the same. I went into intensive research on all this alone, no other help. One thing I can and would like to share with you all, if you've gone through such or feel vulnerable, is: www.aftermath-survivingpsychopathy.org. More info can be found at www.ponerology.blogspot.com (ponerology is the science of the study of evil) - I'd read "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, PhD in '09 when this crap was billowing upon me again. Clinically, at least 25% of the population has such anti-social personality disorders and it is written that such do seek marks/targets among others for their own gain. "Crazy making" is one of the techniques used. So, your insights/comments helped.

Self protection needs to be learned and developed. Aspies can be too trusting. Too late I tuned into such ASPD types. I see the clues now better and I need to listen to my "gut" when I feel I'm in sick situations. Appreciate the input, hang in there.

deleted cause it was mean.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Thanks, Bleh. So you've seen it and lived it too. Like the book "A Grief Observed" one can't "know" til one's been through it. "The Sociopath Next Door" is hard to comprehend.

Re narcissists, I've observed a number of types. The super dangerous are the "malignant narcissists" - con artists, manipulators. One can't see til one's caught in that spider web of theirs. It's hard to comprehend such calculated wickedness, mostly it seems a control/dominance issue. There are clues re how they speak, look, ask questions, treat others and get caught in lies.

I actually didn't want any "counseling" right now. I need to move because of expenses and to a new, if low, job elsewhere. Only thus did I ask, in dire straights, for family "help" to move - months ago after years of silent poverty - they are wealthy. Suddenly, helping for moving expenses got changed into 1st I need not only "counseling" (family sought to have me institutionalized for 6-12 months, I didn't "qualify") but all these prior conditions for me because "they care" about me suddenly - haven't even exchanged an X-Mas card w/them in a decade! It's all very weird but the "counseling" group is sucking up the "family" program.

Yes, it helped that I investigated and read as much as possible about such situations. Still, when one is alone and has no sounding board on it all, the perspective is difficult to grasp, or believe even if, maybe especially if, one is in it. I've been in an echo chamber on it all. You're spot on on the need to "escape" because such people know no boundaries once they're on you. Every aspect of life will be intruded upon, examined and critisicised., twisted and used.

Sadly, I've experienced some such before with certain boyfriends & a room mate who said they "picked me". That's a clue. So is the sudden come on, gifts, incessant friendliness and their "stories" (usually banal but engaging). Once you're locked into a position w/them, then the screw turns. You can do favors to hell and back for them but they will still say "you owe me" - another major clue. On wiki long ago there was info about psychological manipulation, some good advice. Am not so sure I'm so naive as am good hearted and can't fathom the wicked usury of others. I don't think that way and we aren't taught this.

Am not sure how many Aspies have gone through such, but I do feel the AS group is vulnerable. From a distance, psychopaths can spot a target. Once in college, among a group of some 10 other girls, I was "selected" by a pornographic photographer. Fortunately, I ran. Still, why was I picked? I was lovely, but quiet and seemingly shy. I look back on all of this now, plus readings to make sense. I hope no one else gets hurt as I've been. Much is avoidable. Best.