Social Skills Training for Adults

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This is how I view it. I cannot ever really conform to NT standards or be NT but I can use skills to make me be less obvious to my NT counterparts.

I am okay with that.

WRT the picnic, it is the case that I exclude myself quite naturally from big gatherings and just don't ever really give it any thought. I am so socially aloof that being alone at such an event is "normal" and also "okay" with me. idk... I think that is a good thing.

It was par for the course with me, too. But I always felt out of place...out of sync with what was going on and that caused anxiety. I have a lot of friends and associates in the Twelve Step world. I feel uncomfortable with being alone when we're at a purely social event, but the noise of the music and loud talking CAN be overwhelming - especially when playing cards. Still, I want to have a good time! This is a change from not wanting to go to such a gathering at all! Other people get all sensitive because they think I'm being anti-social when I do isolate, but this all affects my ability to do small talk and interact.

We're talking apples/oranges here. Your feeling "out of synch" means that you are aware of something being wrong. Until last Friday, I NEVER was aware at these events. Ergo... never cared. Last Friday I was aware and had a tiny bit of that "out of synch" feeling as I realized that THIS is not "expected" behavior for me. I contemplated what to do and realized that this event was the "perfect" place for me to practice my small talk skills. But I did not have the energy to do that at the time nor the interest. Instead I turned around and physically faced the group but stayed 50 or more yards away and then went into my own little world (mentally) right away and forgot about the "out of synch" thing pretty much right away... I'm telling you, my way of experiencing ASD is actully pretty nice...

Yes, it IS quite nice! I have my moments when it's that nice, too!

But a lot of the feeling out of sync comes from being comfortable alone vs. being told that I'm being anti-social and treated like less-than for it.

It IS a LOT better when I am able to do what you did at the picnic. My celly is a BIG help with that!

I can definitely relate there. Just because I'm sitting alone people assume I'm lonely. I'm actually out there, by myself, because I have no interest in what they are saying,doing, generally blathering on about and instead of being rude and zoning out mid conversation, I head off on my own and enjoy my own personal form of entertainment. Currently that is world and character building for my fiction writing interest. Much more interesting than the latest PTO meeting or pointless conversations about vacation plans.

That seems rude and insenstive and self absorbed to them. That is why I take every opportunity to 'say it outloud' here.

See guys now THIS is the thing I have to somehow figure out. I do not get called rude or insensitive like you guys do. People generally like me. There are some people that have not liked me but it is a very small minority of the people I run into. Most people seek me out. My shrinks have confirmed that I am a very "likeable" person despite my social failings. My friends and my own kids even just make friendly teasing with me about how clueless I am socially. That said they all have MAJOR repsect for me. At my last session the Doctor said that my very, very high IQ is partly to blame for this. He says that our culture values intelligence more than they dislike social clumsiness.

I am posting in the air btw from a private jet. Does that make me a member of the WP mile high club?

Private jet???? MILE HIGH Club????

Of course, I want to ask what kind of private jet (G550, Dassault, 757BBJ)...what configuration...d'OH STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!! !!

Among the people I'm around now, most of them really like me but there seems to be some type of communication gap or the other person doesn't "get" me. Others just like me, quirks and all. The major place I have trouble these days are at work. It was MUCH WORSE in the past, though. I do get random people who just decide they don't like me seemingly for no reason still. I have to resort to what are considered character defects to ward them off.

People in general don't seem to consider me rude unless I really lose my cool and just say something off the cuff becasue I'm flustered, unprepared or out of my element. Luckily, those situations are rare but they are spectacularly bad.

Those judgements are usually passed by my husband or family who are around me constantly. Other people don't seem to make too much fuss becasue our contact if fairly limited - they just see it as me being me. But the family sees it as a pattern and pass all sorts of judgements about it.

Well, I suppose mile high club status all depends on what you are doing...

That is an interesting question. Why are some autistic people generally well-liked and don't get called rude/insensitive, in contrast to many who are widely disliked and often called rude/insensitive? What sorts of traits make a difference? Intelligence might be part of it, but I doubt it's the whole thing. It also doesn't seem to be just a matter of 'autistic people who are more socially able are liked and not called rude/insensitive.'

(I am one of those in the 'generally well-liked and don't often get called rude/insensitive' group. I've sometimes thought this might mean that I'm not actually autistic, if I'm socially skilled enough to avoid doing things that people consider rude/insensitive. But kfisherx is good evidence that one can be clearly autistic and still be in that group.)

I am discussing this whole thing with one of my IRL and internet friends right now and have also had this conversation with several of my IRL friends this past weekend. They say that it is impossible to dislike me because I do so much for other people. They say I am a nuturing individual and even though I act out of social norm it is always for the greater good. It makes people laugh and have fun. I have to admit that while I do not "get" most people... I do find them largely amusing and do not mind spending time with them when I do have the energy. I am mostly a happy person and filled with much love for life and even more gratitude. Those are the things they say make me special much more than this ASD thing...

Cool... Now to teach others to have gratitude and hapiness...

well I didn't read your original post cause its 2:30 am. but read bits and pieces that were quoted. If your in a private jet i will assume you have money and either manage people or hire people.

I was in this situation. socially i felt fine employees seeked me out and loved to be aorund me and i loved to be around them I felt cured.

After i closed shop, i noticed that my personal life work and my special intrest life were all tied up so tightly that i never realized that out side that world i had few friends if any.

As soon as i left that environment, it hit my like a tonne of bricks. it was like being back in school. I had no small talk skills. people that i hired somehow understood that and made up for it. they would "set me up" for jokes, they would really go out of their way to make conversation go smoothly. in turn i regained confidence and may have improved.

geting out of that situation was socially crippling.

I did thorugh my lide greatly improve my socialization, i learnt all sorts of tricks, one of which was to not do small talk. I actually, only this year, learnt about the idea of small talk and became aware of how often important it is.

I tried s bit to improve it, but it seems like its something that cant be fixed, im not sure. but i freez up all the time.

anyways moral of the story, if NT see a benefit to be around you (like being the boss) you will never know that you have a problem. you will sudenly even be good at small talk ! Remember, NT's are smart socially to such an extent that is not even mentioned on many threads cause it is too advanced for us to understand.

Theres manipulation, we think they are good at. But the real NT's manipulate you and you don't even know it!

sorry didnt edit , its 2:45 am Safe landings!

I felt quite the opposite. Managing people was one of the most stressful experiences for me, and ultimately was a major contributing factor to my burnout and prolonged period of ill health and depression.

It never felt right but I pushed myself on regardless. I can see clearly now that I was never cut out for such a role, and if I'd realised my profound disability years earlier would never have gone down such a path.



I too noticed that my social life mostly disappeared after leaving work. But actually, I don't really miss it very much; I've always been quite content with just my own company.

I have also noticed a diminution of my social skills and general mental capabilities, though whether this is to do with lack of practice, depression or medication side effects it is hard to say.



Small talk is one of those things that I've always been able to see the value of to others, have always understood the rules and how it works but - knowing all this is not enough. There is a void in my mind that cannot be filled. It is interesting to follow this thread because here is someone with, apparently, a totally different perspective to mine.



I was always all too aware of the manipulation; they sense a difference in me and attempt to exploit it and sadly I don't have the mental agility to counter this.

I am a program manager and engineer more than a person manager at a very, very large company. It doesn't really benefit people to suck up to me. This company employs a number of private jets to shuttle employees around to its various campuses because it is actually cheaper to do that than to pay for us to fly commercial so much. While it is an awesome benefit to just pull up to the local small airport 10 min before departure and swipe a badge and be in the air, it sounds more plush than it is in reality.

People in high tech are just "my peeps". They are mostly all a bit "off" from more normal people and so I really fit in quite well. They are also generally "gifted" and so more tolerant of differences than the real world. That said, I have retired a few times from this business of high tech and each time ventured into other things that gave me companionship. Once I made it for a whole year and trained horses for fun/money. It was actually pretty profitable (I made a very healthy salary that year) despite being such a fun job but I realized that making your hobby a job leaves you with a need for a hobby. I did personal training for awhile and various other little adventures but I always got stressed from having to deal with people so much or just ended up missing the high-tech world and coming back. That said, I know that even if I don't come back one day that work is NOT the only thing in my bucket. I used to be like that in my early 30s and realized that was a bad thing to do so expanded myself into other areas.

Now I have friends in the fitness industry, the football field, as a musician in the classical guitar scene, in multiple volunteering scenes and also in my neighborhood. I am a very active person making things happen and helping the world be a better place. Sometimes it takes a really long time for me to be a part of a group. In the Porltand Guitar Society meeting I sat in those monthly meetings for 1.5 years before I started to actually talk to people. I just sat alone in the back of the room and watched people and enjoyed the music month after month. Now many of those people are actually friends to me and I see them outside of the meeting. Net is that I do not see me being socially crippled once employment ends.

I do NOT suck socially and my life is not in any sort of social dispair. I have more friends than most NTs in fact. I simply cannot perform the inane sort of small talk that happens at formal gatherings where you do not know people. The example is my guitar society experience. I did not even attempt to connect with people for 1.5 years until I felt comfortable in the enviornment enough to talk which is why I am doing this in the first place. At formal work events, I need to be able to talk to peoples wives, etc without coming off as completely rude. I am simply looking to step up my existing game...

Who said you did suck socially?

This is interesting. There have been periods in my life where I was at least attempting to be this type of giving person but I managed to get really burned by people so I ended up withdrawing. It seems that I was unable to differentiate between people that would appreciate my efforts and those that would simply take advantage and drain me dry. My naivete seemed to a target on my forehead. Too many things happened that eviscerated my capacity for trust and I've never been able to figure out anyway of rebuilding that.

I'm curious, did you experience a lot of bullying in grade school and high school? If so, it would be interesting to learn what things helped you get past that.

@kfisherx
Im curious to ask, particularly since the last poster just mentioned school as well, did you go to public school? And Im assuming you went to college to get a "High Tech" job? If so where at? If you don't mind my asking.