The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/com ... bromyalgia.

It's not just curabee psych pushing a product. Autistics have discussed extensively connections between fibromyolgia and Autism.

They weren't talking about a link between autism and fibromyalgia. They were saying that the stress of having an autistic partner can cause an NT to have fibromyalgia (or breast cancer, etc.).

Why is it so hard to accept that autistic people don't make good partners?
I read through the ASPatners thread where it is claimed that we cause stress in others which can lead to diseases. I was struck by how awful the behaviour was of the partners in these posts. "I'm scared I'm going to die." "Don't worry I wouldn't be so lucky." Autistic people are not always good at being supportive.
I think it's great that ASPartners exists - these people need an outlet just like we do.

To pretend that we are not difficult to deal in a relationship is disingenuous.

I may be answering you too literally here or overlooking a typo, It's hard for me to accept that autistic people don't make good partners because I'm sure it's too much of a sweeping generalisation. Aspies are certainly not everybody's cup of tea, but my fiancee and I are still more than content with each other after something like 2 years, so it can clearly be done for that long at least. I think it's healthy to be wary of the likely problems, and to steer clear if you don't feel you could manage them.

I guess if I had no knowledge of autism and was contemplating a relationship with an Aspie, I'd find the following advice useful:
1. Be careful. Find out about AS and how it impacts on relationships from the calmest, most unbigoted sources you can find. Some of the traits could drive you up the wall if you don't understand them.
2. Just like with anybody else, don't commit until you've both demonstrated for quite a long time that you can share your feelings, resolve conflicts, support each other emotionally, share interests, and regenerate the relationship so it won't go stale.
3. If it does start to go wrong, remember that it was your choice to get involved, and focus on how your judgement etc. failed, at least as much as you dwell on how your Aspie failed you. If you decide you can't live with Aspie traits, that's also your choice.

One odd thing - deepdown those folks on that website must have been very attached to their Aspies. They must have been getting a lot out of it to have so much trouble quitting that they tolerated all that pain from we "jerks." Yet they don't speak about that. Pride, I guess. Hopefully they'll be more open to enlightenment (I see one of them meditates) when the pain subsides. I guess I can see why they do it. It just looks so wrong from the outside. I just couldn't do it their way. I'd want to vent my spleen, but I'd not be able to shake the feeling that I was just playing the blame game and talking hateful rubbish.

Jerks indeed! [toddles off muttering something resentful about defamation of character]

I am autistic and I make a damn good partner! To generalize all autistics like that is really unfair.

It's like saying all NT's are the same in every way. It just makes no sense.

That example has nothing to do with being aspie. That's the kind of comments someone only makes when a relationship has been toxic so long they no longer see anything good about their partner and are beyond caring.
Even so, I find it cold. Just shut up instead. It's just too serious to make a comment like that to someone facing a possible death sentence.

Same with the one whose reply was that 'we're all gonna die'. OMG!

If someone I loved got a serious disease, I would be as devastated as them. I don't know how supportive I would be, showing those kinds of things is hard, but I would be beside myself with fear of losing them.



NTs are every bit as difficult with their finicky ways and over sensitivity. If it's not done the "right" way, they have they tantrum. A late family member was a prime example of that. I feel bad even saying that, considering they are dead, but its still true.

My husband thinks I am a good partner.

Yes it is a generalization and obviously there will be exceptions. But the symptoms associated with autism directly impact one's ability to participate in a relationship. Sure autistic behaviour can be worked on, but that doesn't change who a person is.
Autism effects one's ability to behave effectively in a social relationship. It shouldn't be a surprise that our partners get frustrated with us.

I agree with what others have said, that rants expressed in that way should be private. Public rants that anybody can view should be controlled, or the result is an uncomfortable atmosphere and chaos. An uncontrolled public rant is much like if you were to witness a person yelling/screaming in a restaurant because their food was warm rather than hot, it just isn't desirable for anyone.

When a rant is public, it's open to criticism, and there is bound to be a mass of conflict. Online, some may argue that you should close the page and go elsewhere, but that makes no sense, as it promotes division rather than an attempt to develop mutual understanding. Imagine that every time a person was racist in the past, others said 'just ignore it' or 'close the page'.

Except that on the website they're egging each other on because they all feel injured by the same agency. One of the warnings that a counselling centre I used gave out was that venting was acceptable but that they wouldn't reinforce the client's prejudices. I agree with their philosophy 100%, and I think anything else is plain unhealthy.


It's very sad, but I've read of cases like that where the Aspie breaks down so utterly that (s)he can't help. A stereotype mainstream female NT must feel colossally let down, if there's any truth in the idea that women have a vital need for their men to protect them when there's a serious threat. The abandonment isn't down to indifference, it's down to caring too much and maybe also being too logical - "I'm not a doctor, therefore I cannot help" - if the Aspie hasn't yet realised that emotional support works wonders, or just doesn't yet know how to give such support. My fiancee is always thanking me for emotional support. I must have worked out how it's done, but I always feel surprised to be thanked like that, because I still find it hard to believe that a bit of listening and a few caring words and gestures could make a difference. It's as if we're all babies or something.

I also agree with that philosophy, but some may argue otherwise.

As an example, honesty is regularly promoted in a way that is pathological. The people on that forum may view their behaviour as perfectly acceptable, as they feel they are being honest to themselves/their experiences. To not express themselves honestly would be disingenuous, hence why I believe such rants are healthy if controlled. An explosive rant is rarely negative if kept private, but when public has the effects you have observed - a one sided battle where the ranter has not controlled their behaviour. To those people, it may not be reinforcement of another person's prejudice, but the spreading of valuable information.

If I had an ASD, I would not be personally affected (of course my values disagree) by their crazy rants as long as they're contained to that forum. If somebody visits that forum they have willingly decided to do so, and if they happen to be NT and agree with what the others say, so be it, that person is not worthy for a person with AS to date regardless.

I hate thinking about all this because there are so many perspectives and contradictions. There are so many variables involved with personal values.

Have you read much of this thread?

It's not hard to accept. It's simply not an absolute truth. Some autistic people can be great partners. Some don't. Same as people with any other kind of disorder, or NTs for that matter.

Yes autism that impacts communication and the ability to relate to other people. But that does not automatically make someone a bad partner, or unable to have a good relationship.

Most of the people posting on that site do not know for sure that their partners even have Asperger's. They freely admit that and some even say that they don't care. It doesn't matter to them whether the label is accurate or not.

So when you read what say about their partners, remember that they may not even be talking about Asperger's.

Some of what they talk about sounds like the partner may have a different disorder. They describe traits that sound more like NPD or psychopathy rather than Aspergers.

Some of the other stories sound like common relationship issue that have nothing to do with Asperger's in particular. And some of what they talk about just sounds like asshattery or idiocy on the part of their spouses, not associated with any particular disorder.



Most of the behavior they are talking about in that thread is not specifically related to Asperger's.

There is actually a racist forum that exists and I just ignore it and not go to it.

I ignore those forums too. If a group of people share such backwards ideas, I'm not going to go there.

If there were racists on this board, that would be a different story. Perhaps private and public aren't the best terms to distinguish what I think. It's more that hateful behaviour concerning a particular group of people should be kept to those individuals that share the belief, rather than spread. It's how I have felt when people have been hateful towards NTs on this forum. While this forum targets autistic individuals for its main audience, it isn't exclusive, and NTs are still welcome. If it were a place for people with autism to rant uncontrollably about NTs, then I would not visit it nor would I care for it.

I agree. When I vent, I can feel the pressure drop. That same counselling centre encouraged it, though they only encouraged it as a client act, they didn't join in and share the hate. Just showed that they weren't shocked or disgusted.


I guess it's basically a mutual support group for divorcees from a special category of relationship, and just as a similar but general group for divorcees of one sex would host material offensive to the other sex, so does this group post material offensive to ASD people, because it's patently unfair on the "good" ASDers and gives us a bad and inaccurate press.


I agree they may think that. They don't always know that they're actually spreading disinformation. If there is any danger, I think it's in that.

Yes, which is the greater morality, freedom of speech or allowing (as if we could forbid it) a bitching session to be in the public domain? Best leave 'em be, I think. I like to think that the members who eventually drop their prejudice and hate and look at their own problems will do better next time, and that the others will be forced to have a re-think when they discover that they still get relationship problems and that eliminating the ASDer didn't solve as much as they were led to expect.


Indeed, and of course we won't change the reported situation one bit. Hmmm.......freedom of speech includes right of reply to them. I can see how that could work, but I think it's more likely to make things even worse. And where would I find such a great comedy website?

I also try to ignore such forums, Norny. Same goes for websites (non-forum websites) which contain things that I know are going to upset me. People will continue to use the internet to voice their opinion, one doesn't have to agree and of course it can be used to do harmful stuff, but in the end, it can be simply ignored or questioned by other people. The sane people who inform themselves about a topic first before they believe whatever was written on the internet about it (including autism and this particular example) will quickly realize that one can't generalize such stuff that easily.
I learned quick to just avoid that kind of stuff as it isn't any good for my health at all (one can take that literal) if I just get upset all the time.
And wow, this thread is still going? I remember when it started in May.

About the NT-hate/venting: Maybe this forum needs a special, non-visible unless you click ok on the warning-popup forum for venting where people can just go nuts?
No worries, I'm not really being serious here.
PS: At Norny: Never tried supreme pizza, but I agree with pepperoni and margherita!