The site where they BASH Aspie husband and wives. :O

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Hate towards NTs is a rare occurrence here, and hasn't really happened in a while. I actually wouldn't mind if there were a special section where people could vent. Generalizations and misinformation are two things that you will never really be able to stop, considering nobody is ever going to have a perfect understanding of something (in this case neurology of NT and AS). All that you can really hope for is that people are educated enough to know that they shouldn't accept any rant at face value.

As for the pizzas, I ordered a supreme (the lot) yesterday. They're beast, especially with anchovies.

Doesn't it though? Communication and relating to your partner are pretty central to a relationship.

I haven't seen anything on that scale here...some ranting or venting, yes, but certainly not on the scale of what happens at AS partners, or a forum that is oriented towards racism. Granted I may have missed some of it here in threads I didn't read, or in another subforum, but I think that's why this forum is different. This is much bigger, more active forum, and it's inclusive of many different attitudes and perspectives. The occasional ranting about NTs has its place but it never becomes the predominant attitude.

Similarly if AS Partners had proportionally less ranting, and only the occasional hateful or prejudiced comment, I would just look at it as venting. I would shrug and go on my way and simply leave them to it. But ranting and venting is pretty much what their entire forum is about. It's not balanced out enough by different perspectives. It reads like a full-on attack against people with autism. I haven't seen anything even approaching that happen here.

What I find wrong about it is that despite being public, the environment there is VERY dogmatic and insular and self-reinforcing. They are not open to different perspectives. It's actually sort of like a cult.



I would agree, but it doesn't work that way. Unless a group completely cuts itself off from the rest of society, the people within it are going to interact with others and spread those attitudes. And as long as society at large doesn't tolerate it, that is part of what holds that behavior in check. Yes it will spread, but it will also be answered with disagreement.

On the other hand, if bigoted attitudes of one group are tolerated within a larger social sphere, and go unanswered or worse encouraged, it can indeed spread in a very ugly way. Or maybe not so much spread, but incite. There is enough prejudice and misinformation about autism floating around already.

I agree. Not only do they not know it, but people who visit their website, or who know these people personally in real life may not know it either.

It depends on the nature and extent of one's individual impairments, and how that meshes with the needs and preferences of a specific partner. Autistic people are not universally impaired in the same exact ways. And not everyone wants the same exact things in a relationship.

True.

I went back to the site and looked around a bit more. One person compared her husband to an artificial limb - attached but lifeless and foreign. Another said she didn't know why anyone would give up their well being by being with one of "them." Harsh stuff indeed. But I didn't find anything hateful. Just frustrated people sharing with each other.

I think an autistic person would be best to stay away from the site, but I find myself fascinated by it.. Like stumbling across a car accident - disturbing and enthralling.

I was told by one girl that there's "something missing" in me.

I suspect that "something" has plenty to do with me having autism.

One of my most enjoyable days with a woman was when we read books side-by-side for eight hours straight. We didn't say one word to each other. But we were confident that we were meant to be together

(unfortunately, a few months later, we broke up--but the breakup had nothing to do with parallel reading).

I thought it was so romantic that Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter used to read to each other before they went to bed.

However, to my detriment, I'm not really into that. I'd rather read on my own.

I don't believe most people in a relationship would want to spend their time together reading separately. But I thoroughly enjoyed that day.

My present wife doesn't understand why I like to spend many hours straight on my Kindle, doing various things (researching, listening to old music, browsing WP). When I'm on my Kindle, I hardly speak with her. Especially if she wants to talk about buying some article or other from Amazon.

She's really hurt that I don't like to socialize with her, watch her TV programs, hang out with her friends. She doesn't understand why I'm not into being with her 24/7. She knows there's "something wrong" with me. She doesn't really know about autism/Asperger's except for what's portrayed in the media (which is, obviously, erroneous)

She doesn't understand that, sometimes, I just want to "be alone." This is, primarily, because I'm on the Spectrum. It hurts her to the quick. She believes it's a reflection on her. In actuality, it's a reflection on ME.

If you reverse the genders, it's hard to imagine a man getting upset or hurt over a woman doing the same things.

Dianthus, there are some men too on the Danish version of it. They are fewer, but spew the same crap.
I think I've seen one man on ASPartners, but I don't recall his username or the thread.

I've even known an aspie guy once who would def complain about the same stuff (and more). He wasn't looking for support, he was looking for a mother!

That sounds perfect to me. Together but pursuing one's own interests and so thoroughly enjoying oneself.

A very different kind of relationship here, of course, but one of the nicest things I know is when my mother and I are both in the living room reading, or her reading and me on the computer.




Ugh, that sounds awful, K. I've never understood why couples 'have to' be into the same stuff all the time, it's healthy to do your own thing, and even more so for us. A couple consists of two individuals.

In general, I find NTs to be needy and clingy and way too much effort to even be friends with, and too unfulfilling to be worth the bother. I need my space and I just don't have the patience. I think we are usually incompatible.

I could only deal with a partner who was independent and had interests separate from mine and could parallel do things and do things separately a lot of the time, but also strong mutual love and doing some things together. What I'd really like is what they call companionable love, but this is another discussion entirely.

And it's not just the bad publicity. I gather a lot of those folks are still in relationships. If they simply deserted the relationship as a result of swallowing the hate-loaded misinformation, that would be one thing. But it's likely to be a lot messier than that, with some really harmful conflicts. Not just aggression from the NT, the ASDer's behaviour is also likely to deteriorate if they know they're being bad-mouthed behind their back. Recipe for a perfect storm, or what?

This notion that venting is a good thing, is all very well, but I'm sure it's a dangerous thing in the hands of amateurs and incompetent professionals. One guy I knew was advised by his counsellor to stop bottling his anger in his relationship. So he let it rip and it came out bigtime, did no physical harm but scared his partner and child so much that they locked themselves in the bathroom. A communal group I joined told of an occasion when they'd done a group session where they were asked to air their grievances, and a fist fight broke out involving several of them. And these website folks aren't just amateurs, they're angry.

But, if you make sure your partner knows you will never stop listening to their concerns and will always work with them to resolve problems (subject to it being reasonably mutual), you're safe from all that. At least I hope so.

The fact that some NT's will go to websites like that, only looking for information and then believing the misinformation is what concerns me the most about them.

What bothers me the most is thinking about how the children in those marriages are affected.

When you have a child with someone, half of that child's genetic makeup and who they are comes from that person. If you grow to really dislike that person, and/or you have a lot of blame or criticism towards them, it is going to fall on the child too. You are going to see aspects of the child's other parent in your child, and you're going to judge it. Even if you think YOU can keep it separate, your child can't. Your child is going to see aspects of their other parent in themselves too.

When a genetic disorder is involved, it's only that much worse. If the partner does indeed have Asperger's, it's very likely the children may have it too, or will at least have traits of it...maybe the very same traits you are criticizing and ridiculing.

Then if your child sides with the other parent...see how that happened?

^ I agree 100%, and hadn't thought of it before. If the members transfer that haven of disrespect into their dealings with their ASDer, their kids are more likely to go and do likewise when they grow up. And the insecurity of an acrimonious breakup ......suddenly I don't find that website funny any more.

I saw a post on that forum by bstn, where she says that finding out that her son has AS would be the worst thing in the world for her.

Poor kid.

At least my mom doesn't feel that way about me.

I doubt it would actually be the worst thing in the world for her, but it might be for her son.