Offended my aunt with my thank you card

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Um. Nothing against your dad, but this simply suggests he doesn't much like your aunt. You shouldn't take him at face value. That you rarely see your aunt doesn't mean it's perfectly okay to hurt her. It wouldn't be okay to hurt a total stranger either, it doesn't have anything to do with how often you see people! So I think it's a good thing you apologized for your mistake and I really hope you and your aunt are going to be okay.
It sounds to me like your dad is upset you are upset about your aunt being upset (what a sentence *lol*) because for him this feels like you are "taking her side" in some sort of underlying family conflict. It's often that if someone dislikes another person, they expect others to dislike that person as well. (Actually, this is how outsiders are made - ONE person who is popular decides to dislike someone, and their friends simply follow and exclude that person.) This could be the case here.

Spot on, Eller.

And it was not a "mistake". It was a faux pas. The kind that we Aspies make all the time. We innocently tell the truth and, without intending to, uncover a whole nasty web of politics. In this case, family politics.

And if they don't forgive you, it's not true that it's "their" problem. It's ourproblem, because we're the ones who become isolated from society if we don't think many times whether to say something or not. Not to mention that, with this "it's their loss" attitude, we wouldn't be able to earn a living, forever depending on others for sustainance.

As I said above, it's important to have a direct relationship with the relatives, and not through the parents, especially once you're married and become a separate household from your parents'. This is the reason people make a wedding and invite the relatives. It's the day that a direct relationship between the two households is formed. This is also why you're later supposed to invite them over to your new house (even if they decide not to come). The idea is to create a new, direct relationship. This is symbolism used by NTs. You can choose, of course, not to learn NT ways and never to work, and to isolate yourself and your small children when they come from NT society. It's perfectly OK if you're clear that's what you're doing and you hold yourself responsible for your choice and its consequences.

LMAO.
Bad, bad wording. Cheap is not the same as poor. XD
Cheap means "doesn't want to spend money even if they have it". (With an implication of "especially on stuff for other people")
People want to be thought of as generous, which is the opposite of cheap.

I agree, this has probably been a long-running rivalry that you accidentally stepped into. That probably also contributed to your aunt's hurt-- the "disappointment" bit might have been that she felt like you had joined the "gang" against her, and that she'd hoped you wouldn't. If she did know about your AS, it may have contributed to her hurt even more, she might have been expecting you to be the one who would understand about being an outsider? Then when she interpreted your comment as hurtful, even if at some level she knew you're not good at knowing what would be hurtful, she still felt like someone who understands not being understood had joined the thing against her. (Does that make sense? Like that she'd been hoping you wouldn't join the pack mentality. That may have been part of the reason your parents didn't say anything about what you said in your letter at the time. THEY wanted you to join their "pack.")


That argument would only work if it were an issue of semantics; it wasn't. Stating repeatedly that your opinion is fact, as you continue to do, is not semantics.


Of course you apologize if you unintentionally hurt somebody. It would be nice if her aunt had thought of the possibilities, but she was probably hurt, and she said so. Perhaps she will apologize when she understands the situation.


Again, you do not know that. Again, you have stated that it is a fact that her aunt wrote the letter to hurt her. It's not, it's your opinion. If you know something I don't about her aunt, please share. Otherwise, you're just stating your opinion and repeating over with the continued insistence that your opinion is fact. Perhaps if you had said those words, they would have been intended to cause hurt. That doesn't mean that it was true for her aunt.
Most people would call someone cheap with the intent to hurt them. That wasn't the case here. You can't guess her aunt's motives in sending the letter based on a small piece of that letter being quoted on a forum.
Again, nothing semantic about your assertion that your opinion is fact. Everything else you say continues to back up that you do consider your opinion fact. It's possible that it was intended to hurt. There's also a strong possibility that it wasn't intended to hurt, or that the intent to hurt was precipitated by her own hurt. When there are multiple plausible possibilities, no one of those possibilities is a fact. It is not a fact that the letter was "wrote" to cause pain, and it is not semantics to tell you that.

It's a possibility I guess my dad doesn't like them and I was unaware of it. I don't know if there is a rivalry in my family. All I know is they don't come out to family reunions that is out of Wisconsin and they didn't come to my cousin's wedding but if they had it in Wisconsin I am sure they would have come like they did with the '92 family reunion. My mom said they go to the reunions in Wisconsin but not anywhere else. I still think this whole thing was a misunderstanding because when I said cheap I meant it literally and she took it the other way thinking of the insult. I just used the wrong word and she didn't know what was going on in my head.

Yeah that makes perfect sense. You would think an aspie wouldn't side against you or pick on you because they have been through it themselves but I know that isn't always true.



I don't think my mom is mad at her sister. Sure she was mean to my mother growing up but my mother understands why it happened and she hasn't said any bad things about her. She has said they are shy, she met her first boyfriend and got married to him and still is, didn't get her period till she was 18 and a woman's body till her twenties, they don't go out much like to the reunions.

My parents didn't even know I put that in the card until I told my dad about it yesterday. It wasn't easy because it was so embarrassing and I wasn't sure how they'd react. My dad acted like it was all okay and said I was trying to be funny and put some humor in there and it backfired and it happens to everyone. I told him I was serious and it was a compliment I thought. Could that be why everyone laughed at the wedding? Because they all thought it was a joke? Instead it gave me the wrong idea. Even my own husband thought it was a joke. And everyone laughed even more when my mom asked me "And who taught you to say that Beth?" and I said "Dad" and my mom went "Bill, Bill," and he goes denying he said it and everyone keeps laughing. hen I start laughing because they were. But my husband says everyone laughed after my mom asked me it so I guess we both remember the situation differently. If his memory is more true than mine, then maybe my mom asked me it to jump to my defense so no one would think I was being mean because I heard it from my dad and she wanted everyone to know that. But them laughing gave me the wrong idea.

You have a very good mother. My mother was always too selfish/insecure to care about me looking good to the family, she only cared that the relatives didn't by chance get offended AT HER for my faux pas, so she was quick to blame me.

What is this "literal meaning" of "cheap" you speak of? The dictionary says:
1.[adj] relatively low in price or charging low prices
2.[adj] embarrassingly stingy
3.[adj] of very poor quality
4.[adj] tastelessly showy

I meant that they don't spend their money to travel far because maybe they can't afford it. Maybe they make enough to pay their bills but not enough to travel far and still be able to pay their bills if they travel far. I always called poor people cheap too because they have to go to goodwill and thrift stores for clothes and stuff they need because they can't afford new items from stores. I thought cheap meant being frugal with your money and you are very careful how you spend it so you aren't in debt or owing any money and you are still able to pay your bills. You are trying to save money on items when you get stuff. You look for items that are on sale and look in the clearance section. My mom calls that cheap and has used that word on herself. She has even called me cheap and told me "Being cheap isn't always the answer." "Don't be a cheap skate." "You're being cheap."

The correct word for what you are trying to express is "economical", I believe. As far as I know, "cheap" means something more along the lines of "stingy".
When your mother uses it, she's using irony, not really using the word in a serious context.

Of course it's semantics, i've already stated that my veiw is an opinion (The fact i have stated this changes the meaning of all my statements, wether they are wrote in a factual form or not), yet you are only interpreting my statements as having only one meaning, even though i continue to point towards other meanings. You're basically choosing my "position" for me and then arguing against that position.


When you haven't actually hurt someone, and they are attacking you for an alternative reason, you owe no apology. The letter spokane sent could have just as well stated exactly what had happened with no apology. Infact, it would have been better to send an explanation rather than an apology, because it would allow spokane to learn more about the situation.


Actually, i do know that. If you are unable to see the overall meaning, as opposed to the narrow semantic meaning of each individual word, that is your problem not mine. Wether the letter was intentionally wrote to convey the negative meaning (it obviously has by the way!) or not is immaterial.


Actually it is semantic, i offered a possible explanation and interpretation based on evidence. You're the one who insists that there is only one narrow meaning (Semantics!).


You are holding spokane girl to a much higher standard than her aunt that doesn't make sense. Spokane meant no offense with her statement and spokane should not have to internalise her feelings.


The way in which the words are wrote are indeed wrote in a way that would cause pain.

Spokane_Girl, my life if full of misunderstandings like this one. I really exhort you to copy paste your explanation to me here and send it to your aunt (unless it's practically the same as the explanation you gave her already). I believe strongly that it's terribly unfair for us Aspies to lose connections because of our symptom of not understanding the non-verbal meaning of words. I'd hate for your aunt to even have the tiniest bad memory about you due to a misunderstanding that is typically caused by your AS and absolutely nothing else.

The reason everyone laughed at the wedding and some of us on this thread too, is that purity+innocence cause a laughing reaction in people - I don't know why. I think it's because it makes people happy that there still is innocence in the world, and often when we're suddenly happy we laugh. Like when a child or a loved pet do something cute and we laugh out of an awww feeling.

One more thing: not attending a wedding but sending a present means, in NT non-verbal language: "IT'S NOT PERSONAL, IT'S NOT AGAINST YOU, WE LOVE YOU BUT FOR PERSONAL REASONS CAN'T OR WON'T ATTEND. WE DON'T WANT TO SHARE RIGHT NOW WHAT THOSE REASONS ARE, BUT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE CARE FOR YOU." When it's personal, they don't send a present.

I hope to hear back from my aunt about the apology I sent her, if not, I'll try and get her number to call her to see if she got it and what she thought. The worst thing that can happen is her hanging up on me when she finds out who is calling. I could send her another letter after that and the worst thing she could do it toss it out without reading it. Then what else could I do if those things happen? Maybe send my relatives after her to tell her for me, even my own mother.

Could you phone your aunt and talk about this in person? It really is all just a big misunderstanding . Her hearing you say "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" could go a long way towards mending this mess. There is something about hearing it spoken that carries more weight than a letter.

Bingo, I got her number on the whitepages.com. Now I will wait a few weeks or a week to see if I hear from her, if not, then I will call her. Like I say the worst thing she could do is hang up on me. This thread is pretty much the end.

If she doesn't want to kiss and make up after you explain that you had misunderstood the meaning of the word "cheap" all your life to mean "needing to be careful with expenses", then indeed it's HER loss, and there's nothing else you could or should do anymore. But I'm almost sure that won't happen. Anyone who knows Spokane_Girl even a bit, knows you're a very nice person. And the faux pas is so huge that it's obvious it's a mistake and not ill-will - it just needs explaining in 1-2 sentences.

I wish I knew what my faux pas are, so that I could explain to people how they happened, what I had misunderstood. My problem is that I don't discover what I did wrong until it's too late, sometimes decades after, when it's useless to apologize. This happens often to Aspies.

Do you seriously expect anybody to believe that you know, to the extent that the difference between your opinion and fact is pure semantics, the intent of a letter written by someone you don't know to somebody you know on a forum, based on a sentence quoted from that letter?

Or are you just being nasty for the sake of it?
I don't get it.