Eye Contact

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Welcome happymusic - I share your WHEEEEE moment when you found this forum! I felt overjoyed to finally find the people of my tribe here! Especially when you've lived your life not even knowing they exist

I did my little unscientific survey on a mostly NT board. These were the assumptions I made:

Assumption #1 - Most of those here are NT (Neuro Typical) and not Asperger
(if that's not true and you answer the questions, please point out that you're not NT)

Assumption #2 - This is a good general pool of adults to ask these questions of.

And these are the questions I asked:

When you're face to face with another person, do you maintain eye contact?

How important is it to you that they also maintain eye contact?

Do you think less of someone - or believe they may have shifty motives or are untruthful - if they do not maintain eye contact?

When you are maintaining eye contact - do you break away or keep a steady gaze? Do you look at BOTH eyes at the same time or shift back and forth from one to the other?
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23 responses

When you're face to face with another person, do you maintain eye contact?

-- Not constantly.

-- Yes, I don't even think about it.

-- Yes

-- Yes at first, but not constantly.

-- Yes, always but off and on.


How important is it to you that they also maintain eye contact?

-- I donno.....I'm not usually looking at them.

-- As for maintaining it, I generally look at the person when I'm taking to them, I don't stare at their eyeballs, I just look at them. When I was a child I was always taught that it wasn't polite not to look at someone when you talked to them, and some childhood lessons stick.


-- I make a point of maintaining eye contact with people, but I'm also careful not to lock eyes, to look away from time to time. If somebody insists on locking eyes with me, I feel they're a little too demanding of me, it's as if a parent or tough boss was saying, "now you listen to ME!" If somebody doesn't look at me while I'm talking to them, I mean somebody who looks away the entire time, I feel flattened. Am I boring you? Am I talking too softly/loudly? I'll usually find an excuse to walk away.

-- It is important, however, I know some people who are a little shifty at it, and I have learned to take into account, as just being them. I look for more concrete things to base my opinions of people on. Breaking off eye contact for a few seconds can be a sign by me or another that it is time to move on.

-- I do maintain eye contact at all times and if I don't receive it in return I question the other person's credibility

-- In general I believe this is an important part of effective communication.

Do you think less of someone - or believe they may have shifty motives or are untruthful - if they do not maintain eye contact?

-- My grandmother told me that if someone couldn't look you in the eye while talking to you they were lying. I have found that to be true. I have met people who will look to the left or right of you, but not in the eyes, while talking to you. They have always been liars.

-- I have managed people for over 35 years and have found that employees who are very good at looking me in the eye are usually the least trust worthy.

-- One of my three stepmothers was Navajo and when we visited her family, eye contact was a definite No, No. I was raised in a predominately Mexican culture and it was also considered rude. This is really a cultural thing IMO. It is really hard to break out of a habit that is learned from infancy.

-- I do know that if I start to think about eye contact during a conversation, then something is making me self conscious.
Eye contact is ideally a flowing, natural, don't have to think about it kind of thing.

-- I would only resent someone not looking me straight in the eye if they obviously weren't paying attention to me.

-- No

-- You have to know the person. If a change occurs in their usual mannerisms, including eye contact, something might be going on. Some kind of subterfuge, might be happening.

-- If someone locks in on my eyes for a long time they had better kiss me or fight me.
On the other hand, if they avert direct eye contact , I mis-trust them.
(Southern culture)

When you are maintaining eye contact - do you break away or keep a steady gaze? Do you look at BOTH eyes at the same time or shift back and forth from one to the other?

-- I don't know of anyone who keeps constant eye contact. I don't because I become animated while talking. I often use my hands while talking. It's hard to do that while maintaining constant eye contact.

-- I do!! (shift from eye to eye) Especially if the person has some kind of obvious vision problem (like cross eyed) and I'm trying to figure out which eye is looking at me.

-- I break away from time to time. A steady gaze can make someone uncomfortable, I think. Or perhaps, a steady gaze can make me uncomfortable at times. It certainly seems that I am looking into both of their eyes at the same time.
As a conversation increases in length I have a tendency to start looking from eye to eye, or around their face, whatever, so as not to scare them away with my intensity. I enjoy intense conversations and have to watch that I am not getting too carried away.

-- break away, I had to go have a conversation with my neighbor because for the life of me, I couldn't recall. Safe to say I look at both eyes.

-- I look at the person's face more than eyes specifically. And I do break away rather than keep a constant gaze or stare but look at both eyes. And I'm 98% certain that I am NT.

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It seems from this very unscientific survey, that eye contact is generally associated with how trustworthy the person is, that most NTs hold a good gaze but look away often so as not to intimidate or get too much of a stare going on, and look at both eyes rather than one at a time.

Several mentioned the little "tricks' like looking at the center of the speaker's forehead, looking through them or past them, but I have found people notice those things and can tell that you're not looking them in the eyes. Faking it is very good, it will definitely increase the odds that NTs will accept you easier or think of you a bit more as 'normal' or 'honest', however faking it takes quite some effort. You have to concentrate, and it's difficult to concentrate on eyes and still keep track of the conversation. After a lot of practice it can come easier and and more natural, like the sequence you may use to drive a stick shift of a car. First time out it's very difficult but after enough practice you go into Auto Pilot and just do it naturally.

Unfortunately the gears on a car don't have a force behind them like a person's eyes, so it's not jarring only memorization that allows driving to become natural. I still get quite rattled by different people and different gazes or intensities that they put out.

NT input...
Hm...when I look people in the eye...I see the general way there eye shape changes, if they're laughing or something.
It helps if you don't keep looking people in the eye, but throw them regular looks instead.
Giving a person a look can mean all sorts of things, but I use mine to say "I like you" or "I think what you are saying is interesting" or "I am paying attention".
So I make a conscious effort to "tell" my opposite these things by looking him straight in the eye for a couple of seconds. Then I move my eyes elsewhere.
I think the only really rude thing is to watch other people while talking to someone.

I understand what you're saying, but I think the difficulty with it is that people are going to read you, whatever posture you take. It's hardwired into us NTs and impossible to suppress. Paul Watzlawick said "you cannot not communicate" and this is particularly true of body language. Trying to suppress it will probably communicate something like, "leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you" or "I don't want to be here". Which may be just what you want to communicate.
But if not, maybe it's better to proactively toss out a look or a gesture or two, to be able to control what you're saying.